I laid beneath him, tears streaming down my face. Hoping, praying, he would return to me. His muscles tensed, and I felt him empty inside me, collapsing on top of me.
After he had regained somewhat—normal breathing, his head rose from my chest. I could hardly see; my eyes were slits as I fought for consciousness. But it was enough for me to see recognition return to his eyes, followed by shock, then overwhelming sadness before I passed out.
I awoke sometime later in my familiar bed. It was neither comfortable nor warm, it was cold and empty. Just like I was.
He wasn’t there, and I didn’t need to call out to know for certain. His side of the bed lacked body heat.
Gone.
A shiver ran through me. I moved to sit up, but my body cried out in protest, and I looked down to find handprint-shaped bruises blossoming on my arms. There was a stinging sensation on my waist where I found crescent shaped gouges from his nails, along with more bruising and dried blood from where he’d broken skin.
There were other yellow spots forming on my flesh. I sighed and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I stood up, my legs wobbling, and I stumbled, swaying back into the bed.
A piece of paper crinkled beneath my hand, and I looked down to find Nathan’s handwriting across the page.
Lila,
I can’t do this any longer. I refuse to hurt you again. Please keep your distance, and I promise I won’t come to you anymore. We’ll act like we never happened.
Nathan
I read and reread the words on the page, though I had already known. His mind was made up.
He left me.
Weak. You’re weak.
Stupid. You actually believed he had feelings for you?
I stopped breathing, my chest felt as if it was being ripped apart from the inside. The pain was excruciating, doubling me over.
I wasn’t strong enough. Strong enough to fix him, strong enough to heal him, strong enough for myself, or strong enough to hold us together.
Another wave of pain lanced through my chest.
Oh…this is what a heart breaking feels like.
All the walls I had built to hold the crushing dark abyss gave way, trapping me in its suffocating black depth. I was sent spiraling into the dark, the light fading, my strength gone.
I wasn’t strong enough.
I wasn’t enough.
Never enough.
CHAPTER 24
Days, minutes, weeks, years, hours.
I didn’t know how much time had passed, nor did I care. It was peaceful in the black.
Voices called to me, whispered echoes surrounded me. I could make them out, if I concentrated. But I didn’t want to concentrate. I wanted the peaceful black.
Most of their words were lost in the depth, mangled, but I could hear the murmurs all the same.
Caroline, Andrew…and Nathan.
I could make out the tenor more than the actual words. Nathan didn’t say much, for which I was thankful, but I could hear Andrew; he was angry, screaming and cursing. Caroline was pleading.
I shook every time I heard Nathan. His voice threatened to pull me back.
I didn’t want to go back. The calm darkness held the pain at bay. I didn’t have to feel my heart shattering in there.
Though the pain came through anyway every time he spoke.
It wasn’t often, but it was there. He stayed silent, and I couldn’t help but wonder why he was there. Didn’t he leave me? Break me? Wasn’t that why I had resigned myself to the darkness?
More voices came, an urgent tone, unknown. I couldn’t feel my body, but I could tell I was being moved.
More time passed and voices came and went. Some familiar, others not.
Dr. Morgenson? He was angry, yelling at someone.
No more Nathan. He was gone. I couldn’t feel him anymore. He left.
A feminine voice, smooth like Nathan’s, showed up at some unknown point. She didn’t talk around me, or about me like the other unknown voices did, but she spoke to me. I couldn’t make out most of her words, but I could tell they were sweet and encouraging. There was a hint of sorrow in her voice as she apologized, but I couldn’t understand why this unknown woman would do something like that.