I made a fishy-face at him, cheeks sucked in and my pursed lips opening and closing. That improved his mood, a laugh springing from his chest before he too made fishy-lips at me and pressed them to mine.
I loved moments like that: sweet and tender. They were the times I was happiest, the times when Nathan was just Nathan, if only for a moment.
It was halfway through the next week when the relationship between Sadie and Will came out, no longer a rumor. We were all gathered in one of the large conference rooms, crammed in the small space, as Jack made the announcement that Sadie had submitted her resignation.
He informed everyone the policy was still in place, and Will would stay on since Sadie had resigned before action needed to be taken.
My mind began wondering what would happen in our case. I wanted to believe things would be fine, but I knew the reality of the situation. I surreptitiously looked toward Nathan; he was staring at the ground, mulling something over. Perhaps the same things that were on my mind.
“They’re getting married next week,” Andrew said next to me, his voice cutting into my internal ponderings. “Just a small civil ceremony. I talked with Will and he said Sadie’s going to be a stay-at-home mom.”
Stay-at-home mom. A foreign concept to me, but it made me wonder: would I ever be a stay-at-home mom? Would I ever marry and have children?
I shook my head. Yeah, right. Who would want to marry me?
That was a pipe dream, something I would never obtain.
No one wants you.
Why would anyone have you? You’re worthless.
I cringed at those words.
Without conscious thought, my eyes moved to Nathan. To my surprise, I found him looking back. I was unable to decipher the strange look on his face due to Jack’s voice booming out that he had another announcement, drawing my attention away from Nathan.
He introduced us to the new hire, fresh out of law school, and she looked like she was going to fit right in with the Boob-Squad.
Great, another one to fight off.
A shift occurred within a few days of Jack’s announcement, and I didn’t understand what had caused it, but my gut was telling me that things were changing.
Nathan had been…off for days. It was subtle at first, and then one morning it became glaringly obvious.
He had become withdrawn, and wasn’t talking as much. He was short with everyone, including me.
It wasn’t only at the office, it happened at home as well. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and when he did, I saw either sadness mixed with a little disdain, or he would attack me sexually, his need so great at that moment that he couldn’t hold off. But even in his moments of need, there was a wall forming.
After a few days of that behavior, I was awoken by screaming.
Blood curdling screams of pain and agony ripped out of Nathan.
I shook him, calling out his name to wake him. His eyes snapped open and he threw the covers back. His leg was stiff from sleep and it caused him to stumble on his way to the bathroom. I chased after him and found him leaning over the sink, splashing cold water on his face.
I was staring at him in the mirror, willing him to lift his eyes, but he wouldn’t.
I called out his name, stepping toward him, my hand reaching out for him, but my call was ignored.
He toweled off his face before heading back into the bedroom and crawling back into bed. He walked right past me, shied away from my outstretched hand, and retreated, shutting me out.
Things deteriorated from there.
I’d overheard Shelia ordering that month’s birthday cake, listing off who would be celebrating that month. Nathan’s was mentioned, and I put it on my calendar, thinking about what to get him. A few days before the date, I asked if he wanted to do anything special. I was shocked by the expression on his face: vacant and bone-chilling.