My heart hammers as I wait for her response. She was the one who wanted me to leave in the first place, convinced it would be good for me, for us. And I’ve been okay with going on the dig—been grateful for the job, even—and the dating thing Liv and I are doing has admittedly been fun.
But ultimately it all means that I’m away from my wife. When the only place I want to be is with her.
“Oh, Dean,” Liv says. “You know I want you to come home. We need to be together, but—”
“No. There’s no but in this conversation, Liv. I’m coming home.”
“Frances told you to stay, that it was good for your career.”
“I don’t care what Frances said.”
“She knows you’re doing well there.”
“Yeah, I’m doing well here.” I shove off the bed and start to pace. “I’m doing well because I know how to work. But nothing I do here is going to make a damned bit of difference if I have to abandon you. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being away from you, not seeing you, talking to you only once a day, jerking off every night because I can’t be with you… No. Fuck this, Liv. I’ve never hidden before. I’m not going to start now.”
My chest heaves. I press a hand to the wall and suck in a hard breath.
“Liv.”
Suspicious silence on the other end.
Oh shit.
“Liv, don’t cry.” I bang my forehead against the wall. “Please don’t.”
“I’m not.” Her voice sounds thick. “Dean, please… look, I know it seems like nothing is within your control, but—”
“It doesn’t seem that way,” I interrupt. “It is that way. It’s been that way since last fall when things got so fucked-up and I couldn’t fix them. Then that mess with my parents, the miscarriage, this bogus charge against me, the suspension… Jesus, Liv. I told Frances I’d quit my job to stop this whole thing.”
“You told her you’d quit?”
“What the fuck else can I do? Stafford’s forcing me to sit on my ass until he finishes his investigation. You’re getting dragged into this shitstorm right when you’re starting a new business. And I can’t give you anything, Liv, not even a guarantee that I’ll still have my job next year. At least if I quit, I can stop it from getting worse.”
“For God’s sake, Dean, you’ve never quit anything in your life. But you’re going to let that girl force you out of a job that you love?”
“Damn right I will, if it’ll—”
The words stop abruptly in my throat.
Silence vibrates.
“If it’ll protect me,” Liv finishes.
Goddammit.
Anger breaks inside me. I grip the phone harder.
“Look, I’m not going to apologize anymore,” I snap. “Yes, I want to protect you. You’re my wife. I’d fucking kill for you, Liv, and if that makes me a possessive bastard of a husband, then fine. That’s what I am. I’m not going to change either. I love you too goddamned much.”
“I know you do!” she cries. “I know you would. That’s why it scares the crap out of me to think of you back in Mirror Lake before the investigation is over.”
I stop. “What?”
“Dean, I wanted you to leave because I knew you wouldn’t be able to stand doing nothing here, but I also…”
“What? You wanted to stand on your own, right? Well, you have. Now you still don’t want me to come back?”
“No! That’s not what I—”
“Not what you meant?” I stalk across the room. A thousand sharp edges cut into my chest. “What did you mean then, Liv? That I should stay away until it’s convenient for you that I come back? That I should jerk off and talk dirty to you until you finally decide it’s okay for us to be a married couple again? That you don’t want me to come back because you need to do everything by yourself now?”
“Dean, would you shut up and listen to me?”
She’s crying. My throat aches.
Is that it? Have I been stifling her so much that I can’t see any other way? Is that why she insisted I leave? Does she really think she can’t do anything with me near her?
I stare out the window. The courtyard blurs in front of my eyes.
Do I love my wife too much?
“Dean? Dean… are you there?”
“I’m here.”
I’ll always be here. She could rip me open, tear me apart, and I’d still crawl back to her. She’s had me whipped since the day she stood in front of me on the sidewalk with her hair all windblown as she asked me about medieval knights.
And while I’ve been trying my damnedest to give her what she wants—I’d promised her I would—I can’t stand the thought that she’d ever believe us being apart is a good thing.
I try to breathe. My heart is racing. The walls are closing in.
“I need you to listen to me, Dean.”
“I am.”
Liv takes a breath. “When I asked you to leave, when you left, yes, I knew it was a chance for me to stand on my own. And I have. But I also…”
“What?”
“I knew… I knew that if anything happened here, if Maggie started spreading rumors, if something got out about the charge, I knew you’d be safer if you were gone.”
I sink onto the edge of the bed, all the wind knocked out of me.