chapter Fourteen
TIME FLIES WHEN you’re having fun and after a few blissful days in Nice, we traded in the beach for the more calming atmosphere of Berlin. We were definitely hopping around but we’d decided to play it by ear and the feeling felt great.
Instead of a great apartment overlooking the beach, we had a studio apartment in the heart of the city. I wouldn’t have wanted to exaggerate but I loved the feel of Berlin mostly because it was just so different from the south of France. Colin and I settled into the city quickly and by the second day, we had enjoyed a tour of east Berlin though it was considered dangerous due to the skinhead and neo-Nazi activity, he was willing to risk it for me. Despite my degrees, I’d always had an intense love with photography and thus we had a whole photo album to put together when we finally made it back to the States.
I took photos of the old crumbling estates as well as signs of all the gentrification that was happening too. Many of the neighborhoods deemed safe enough to rescue had high-rises, new buildings and businesses built. It was fascinating and yet scary at times as Colin and I did run into a gang of skinheads but they slurred in German under their breath as we passed and Colin turned around suddenly. He said something in German back to the skinheads and a blond one who looked like he was a leader of sorts answered back in hurried German.
Colin whipped out a butterfly knife and said something in a low voice in a language which I did not understand. The main skinhead said something back to him before he replied in English, “Hey, man—we meant no offense. Just enjoying the view of your lady friend. Everything’s cool.”
I saw the smile as it registered on Colin’s face. “No harm in enjoying, mein Freund…but just know if you touch, I will filet you like prime piece of swine.”
The skinheads laughed nervously before they continued on their way and we continued along ours. I wrapped an arm around Colin’s waist. “Hey, how about we spend the rest of the day somewhere safe and pleasant like Alexanderplatz, for instance.”
He chuckled as he wrapped his arms around me as soon as he had put the butterfly knife away. “I can’t think of a better idea. Come on, sweetie, on to Alexanderplatz we go.”
AFTER A VIGOROUS day of sight seeing, we ended our day at a hole-in-the-wall bar which served decent bratwurst and excellent beer. I’d managed to capture some great photos and despite the incident which had happened earlier that day, I realized I’d enjoyed myself immensely.
It was refreshing to know Colin and I could have fun doing the most mundane of activities and we made each other laugh more than I had in a while. Not since before my father had been murdered.
“So, I take it you agree coming to Berlin was a good thing?” Colin inquired before he swigged from his huge beer stein.
“Absolutely. Just think about the excitement we would have missed out on if we’d gone straight to Amsterdam,” I responded in a sarcastic tone.
We stared at one another and I realized I never ever became tired of looking into those endless pools of crystal blue before we both burst out laughing.
“So, what was earlier about, Rambo? I didn’t realize you could throw down,” I continued after I drank from my beer stein.
“Oh, you thought this posh boy from the Ivy League couldn’t fight?” he questioned out loud. “What can I say? I have always known all types of people—both rich and poor. Unlike my brother, I don’t judge anyone based upon what their parents do or what kind of car they drive. When you know all kinds of people, it makes it easier to learn how to defend yourself when the time is right. No one is beyond the hand of violence and not being able to fight is a sign of stupidity and weakness,” Colin explained with a determined look in his eyes.
“You truly believe that?”
“If you make enough trips here to Europe, it should be your motto. In case you haven’t noticed, the new Europe isn’t your parents’ European experience.”
I smiled at that statement. “Well, seeing as my adopted mother grew up in a pretty rough part of England, I don’t think this place was ever our ‘parents’ Europe, just the popular places they decided to visit. I am not opposed to going off the beaten path but I don’t want to be injured or murdered behind an unneeded excursion.”
“Neither do I,” he replied as my Android began to sound off with my sister’s ring tone, “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga.
I quickly answered as soon as I saw Caitlyn’s number, “Hello?”
“Hey,” she responded with a hint of bite in her tone. “Can you talk?”
“It depends. We’re in the middle of a loud bar and it isn’t really an ideal time,” I responded in a snarky tone.
My sister scoffed audibly on the other end of the line. “Perhaps you oughta get up and walk outside then where you can have a little privacy. You might not want your lover boy to hear what I have to say to you.”
I rolled my eyes before I pressed the mute button. “Looks like Cait is having a ‘drama’ moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Take your time. Want me to order you another lager?” he inquired.
“Yes, please,” I called over my shoulder before I walked outside.
I continued to walk as smokers crowded the awning and I would probably be tempted to bum a smoke from someone if I stood too close.
“Are you still there?” Caitlyn inquired crossly.
“Yeah, I am, what’s up?”
“You tell me.”
“What are you on about?”
“Why didn’t you disclose to me you f*cked my boyfriend?” she questioned in an angry voice. “I don’t exactly appreciate the fact that we are about to become intimate and he decides it’s true confessions time and thinks I need to know you two had an affair.”
I almost laughed out loud but then realized that wouldn’t be the smartest move to make. “I’m sorry—what did you just say? Liam and I didn’t have an affair, Cait, we had a one night stand before he started seeing you and I started dating Colin. That, my dear, is a huge difference and if you don’t see that then more fool you.”
“Is that the excuse you’re going to use this time?” My sister inquired derisively on the other end as I could slowly feel my beer buzz fade away and my heart thud painfully in my chest. “It wasn’t some kind of wham bam thing, Deirdre. He told me he spent the night with you, what he did to you, how you insisted he wear a condom because he wanted to bareback—he was completely open and honest with me so my question is why couldn’t you have been.”
I was going to need that cigarette after all and bummed one off two guys speaking in quick German. I knew enough of the language to ask for a cigarette and one obliged me quite welcomingly before he lit it.
I inhaled the smoke and exhaled as I replied, “Where is all this going and what does this have to do with the relationship you now have with Liam? He told you because he didn’t want there to be any lies or deceit between you two or maybe he told you because he thought I would tell you as a way to warn you away from him? Who the f*ck knows why guys do what they do but I am telling you this now: that night between us wasn’t a mistake but it’s not something I ever want to happen again. Does that satisfy you or at least make you feel better about the situation?”
“No, not really because you didn’t tell me the truth. I realize now I would have rather heard it from you than him and I know…I know it happened before we started dating but I still feel a sense of betrayal from you and when Colin finds out, so will he,” she explained.
I knew she was quietly sobbing on the other end. My sister was one of the strongest people I knew but when she broke down and her façade cracked, it was ugly. She would sob and the worst part about the whole situation was she still wouldn’t admit to her weaknesses. She would claim something was in her eye, she’d worn her contacts too long and needed to rest her eyes—any excuse she could think of except she was upset and she needed to cry.
“I’m sorry this hurt you so deeply because it was not my intention at all. As I said before, I didn’t cheat because you two were not an item and neither was Colin or I—”
“Are you going to seriously stand where ever you are and tell me you didn’t like Colin the same night you f*cked Liam?”
It was my turn to scoff. “Of course I did but that didn’t mean I was ready to spread my legs for him—”
“But you were willing to spread them for Liam so I guess that makes it all right?”
“Goddamn it, Caitlyn, wait!” I screamed but she’d ended the call.
It took everything in me not to throw the phone against the wall but I gathered my courage and walked back to the beer hall after I’d finished my smoke. I knew Colin smelled it on me because we sat in a booth and he slid his arms around my waist and held me closer. Fresh beer steins had replaced the previous ones and we both had full glasses of lager to drink.
“Uh oh, someone has been a naughty girl,” he whispered as he kissed my neck.
His warm lips on my numb skin seemed to bring it back to life. And that is when I really considered my situation and how Caitlyn felt. She had no real reason to be angry with me unless she wanted to keep the size of Liam’s cock all to herself. Fat chance that would have happened as half the women in Seattle probably knew the size and girth of said cock in question.
So why had she decided to attack me? Because I was close and now I was in a healthy relationship with Colin. To her, it wasn’t fair. How dare I have a passionate one night stand with the man who now belonged to her and then move on to his brother! It was such a whorish thing to do and I would be the first to admit the error of my ways but at the time of the incident, nothing was written in stone and there was absolutely no proof Colin and I would end up together, European vacation regardless.
Colin turned my head towards his and I stared into those endless crystal blue eyes. “What’s going on? What did Caitlyn want?”
“To shame and humiliate me,” I responded before I swigged from my lager in a greedy manner. “What can I say? She succeeded quite beautifully.”
“What did she say to you? What ever happened has hurt you a damn sight more than you are letting on and I want to be here to help you, baby, you know that, right?”
I breathed deeply and realized I would not get out of this situation without telling Colin but would he think I was a whore too? Would he no longer want me and consider me used goods despite he was only the third man I’d shared my body with? Having a long-time friends with benefits who was a former boyfriend had its rewards. It meant I didn’t have to look for random guys to f*ck and it also assured me that I’d been loved, even when the act was purely physical.
That was until Liam came along with his hidden charms, bedroom eyes, irresistible personality and large cock. Sometimes a woman couldn’t say no and despite the way my sister acted that night, I would never regret my decision, not yet at least. However, Colin could definitely bring me down to size and make me regret anything.
“I don’t know if you truly understand the magnitude of what you’re asking me because it is awful and my sister has reduced me to shit about it. I didn’t tell her that though,” I responded in a soft tone that could barely be heard against the loud music.
“Come on, let’s go outside.”
“But what about our beers?”
Colin smiled. “This is a ‘roofer free’ zone.” He pointed to a sign in German. “That’s what it says. There are cameras everywhere and the whole point is for people to feel okay with leaving their drinks so they can go outside to have a ciggie. The rules are posted over the bar. This place has been around for a while and I love visiting here. I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t know the staff and how they operated.”
I nodded and we both scooted out of the booth on our perspective sides and walked outside. As soon as we stepped outside, Colin offered me yet another cigarette and I took it even though I didn’t need anymore nicotine. Once I got back to Seattle, it would be cold turkey again and absolutely no more smoking.
“So, what happened?” he wondered out loud.
We could speak in normal voices and that was definitely a good thing because I certainly didn’t want to shout out what I was about to tell him.
“My sister…she called because your brother has decided what ever they have is serious enough to risk talking about his past and the past in particular concerning him and I.”
Colin’s blue eyes never changed yet I knew the truth dawned on him like the sun coming up on a bright, blue, cloudless day. “What about you and Liam?”
“We…” I trailed off and flicked the ash from my burning cigarette. “Before you and I got together officially…we slept together. It was a one night stand and although it lasted all night and there were multiple times of us…well, pleasuring one another, it only happened that one night.
“I can’t even pretend to blame it on the drink or say I was too drunk to know what I was doing. It’d been a while since I’d been with anyone and I found him sexy and attractive. I wanted to sleep with him because I didn’t want to ruin what we had together and at the time, if I had chosen to have sex with you, I don’t think we would be couple now.”
The truth was finally out there and as my eyes reached for Colin’s again, I wondered why he didn’t react in the same way Caitlyn had. Instead, there was an utter calmness and acceptance of the situation. It was almost as if he had expected me to tell him something like this and that made me feel all the more like a piece of shit.
“I’m sorry,” I continued in quiet voice. “God knows if I could take back the past, I would. It was a stupid f*cking thing to do but it felt great at the time and I made him wear a condom because I didn’t want there to be real physical intimacy between the two of us—”
“Regardless, I’m still positive he pulled out all the stops, didn’t he? I’m sure he ate you out and did everything with you we’ve done. Am I wrong?” Colin interrupted in a neutral voice.
“No…you’re not wrong.” I sighed. “Caitlyn seems to think what ever happened between us I did on purpose, as if to sabotage their relationship but I swear to God when it happened, neither one of us were with anyone. We were both single adults enjoying the pleasures of carnal knowledge. I’m not twenty-two but I have only been with three men in my life. For a long time, there was just Drew, only Drew. I used him as my bootie call way after our relationship fell apart because I didn’t want to be a whore. I didn’t want to be ‘that kind of girl’, know what I mean? The kind you couldn’t introduce your grandparents to because I was an embarrassment and my p-ssy had seen more traffic than Grand Central Station.
“I’ve always tried my best to be a good girl, a nice woman. The type a man could take home and introduce to his family proudly. Granted sleeping with a pair of brothers isn’t the most ideal thing to do but if I had known what was going to happen between us then I would have been much more careful with my choices and decisions.
“I hadn’t slept with anyone since Dad died. That’s why I think I fell for all of Liam’s charms and I wanted him to be you in the worst way but at the same time, I was so afraid of wrecking our friendship, I couldn’t risk it—wouldn’t risk it. Alas, in life, there are no take-backs and perhaps you hate me just a little bit for what I done but I only want to be with you. You’re the only man I see in my bed at this moment and this is where I want to be. You’ve got to believe me.”
I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears continued to roll down my face and Colin threw his cigarette along the pavement before he wiped my tears away and slipped his arms around my neck.
“Baby, I don’t hate you. It happened and people make mistakes. I’m not calling the night between you and Liam one because if that is what you wanted to do then you did it, we accept it and move on. It isn’t the first time he’s stolen a girl from underneath me but he won’t ever have that chance again—not with you. I promise.”
I threw my cigarette to the ground and crushed it underneath my shoe. “Are you sure you’re okay with this because my sister made me feel like crap and I can’t have you hating me.”
“I’m not okay with it but what can I do? I still love you like I have never loved another and I can get over it. You’re the one…I know it…and yeah, I hate Liam knows what you look like without any clothes but it isn’t the end of the world.”
He slid his hands over my face as we looked at one another and the way his thumb caressed my chin, I knew we would be okay.
“Come on, let’s go back to the apartment,” I murmured.
Colin gave me a look of incredulousness. “Um, not without finishing our beers. Then we can go back to the apartment.”
I smiled and nodded. “Fine. Let’s go finish our beers and then go back to the apartment where you will peel off my clothes and make love to me.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Our foreheads pressed together and I knew there and then we would be all right.