An Act of Persuasion

chapterR ELEVEN



“DO YOU WANT TO HEAR the heartbeat?” the doctor asked Ben.

“Yes, please.”

Ben watched Anna lean back again and tried not to think about what he really wanted to do between her legs. It was almost unseemly given their current surroundings. He’d been worried since their date over the weekend that he was somehow losing his connection to her. After they had woken from their rest he’d sensed a change in her. A certain distance. Like every time she looked at him now she was reassessing her feelings for him. Examining them in some new light.

Maybe entirely rethinking her claim that she loved him.

She was probably right to question her emotions. He couldn’t recall one moment during their long working relationship when he’d done anything to merit her love. He was a fair boss. Yes, they were friendly with one another. Probably spent more time together than other employers did with their employees outside of work. He could honestly say the bounds of their relationship had transcended beyond that of merely professional. Certainly even more so when he’d gotten sick. He’d depended on her then. Leaned on her in a way he never had with another person before.

But love? Had he been love-worthy? He never remembered her birthday, she always remembered his. His Christmas gifts to her were typically impersonal gift cards, while hers were always thoughtful. She’d found an out-of-print copy of a book that detailed spying strategies during the American Revolutionary War including those of Nathan Hale. The guy who regretted only having one life. Ben had loved that book.

She gave him six weeks of Italian cooking lessons once, because he’d made an offhand comment about wanting to learn how to make pasta. He had, in fact, learned how to make excellent pasta and he could remember having her over to dinner to enjoy his cooking, never once thinking that she thought those invitations might have meant something more.

Every year she found the thing he wanted most without knowing it.

Every year he gave her money to places like Ann Taylor Loft and Barnes & Noble.

It was a crazy idea that she loved him. But when she’d confessed why she’d taken his dismissal of what had happened between them so hard, he grabbed on to it with both hands. If she loved him, she wouldn’t leave him again. If she loved him, she would let him be with this miracle child.

If she loved him, she would marry him.

Yet when that didn’t happen instantly he had to resort to proving his worthiness and so far he found himself coming up short. Chinese food and some books on pregnancy seemed like a pale version of romantic gifts.

There was the other thing he’d bought for her when he feared he might die. He’d wanted to make sure she had security if he wasn’t around to provide it for her. But when she left him and he didn’t die, it seemed like a thing she might not want to have from him. Maybe too clumsy of a gesture. Maybe too much. He couldn’t say because he didn’t know women that well. Didn’t know Anna well enough.

But now he was here. The doctor was putting something on her stomach and then turning up the dial on a monitor. The whir and bump of something moving at a high speed caught his attention.

“That’s it?” he asked, feeling a creeping sense of awe fill his body. It was like seeing the Egyptian Pyramids for the first time, only so much more intense.

Bump, bump.

“That’s it. In four weeks you can make an appointment for your sonogram and at that point you’ll be able to know if it’s a boy or a girl.”

“Shhh.” He’d done it unconsciously. He didn’t want any noise interfering with what he was hearing. Was it normal that it beat that fast? Did it sound like a healthy heart? Did boys’ hearts beat faster than girls’ hearts and if so, how did this one sound? Because he wanted...he didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted this life.

“He’s still coming to grips with the whole thing,” Anna said.

The doctor took away the device and Ben almost snarled.

“Sorry, but she’s all checked out,” the doctor told him. “Make sure you pick up a sample cup before you leave and I’ll see you in four weeks.”

“Thanks, Dr. Connelly.”

“No problem. And congratulations.”

Ben nodded and waited for the door to close. When he looked at Anna, he thought he had no words.

She reached out and cupped his face and he pressed her hand against his skin. “I know. Crazy, right? It’s alive!”

He laughed as he imagined was her intent. But the intensity of the moment wouldn’t leave him. He’d been staring death in the face four months ago and now he’d helped to create life. It seemed so miraculous.

And yet completely mundane. Something couples did all the time.

“Please marry me,” he whispered. The idea of not having her and the beating heart inside of her body as his was incomprehensible to him.

When he looked to her for an answer, she smiled at him gently. “No. But I will go on another date with you.”

“I’ll take it. Let me take you to lunch.” He helped her off the table and watched her hide that precious belly under pants that he could now see were definitely too snug. Women, he decided, could be ridiculous about things like going up a pant size. He made a mental note to pick up some things for her. Something stretchy that she might like.

“Can’t. Have to get back to work.”

“Then dinner tonight. My place this time.”

She had to think about it and he wondered at the hesitation. She’d promised to give him a chance. That meant dates. Plural.

“What?”

“I don’t know. Maybe we should keep it to a restaurant.”

“Last time I took you to a restaurant for dinner you upchucked in a public bathroom. I would think you would prefer the privacy.”

“It feels like we’re moving a little fast.”

This frustrated the hell out of him. Of course he was moving fast. He had only five months left to convince her to tie herself to him for the rest of her life. Reining in his impatience he used sound logical reasoning.

“For almost four months you practically lived with me. Now coming over for dinner is moving too fast?”

She shrugged. “That was work. This is a date.”

“I’m not going to pounce on you if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Not that he didn’t want to. Hell, he’d been a few steps away from sinking his fingers into her and making her come while she lay on an examining table in a doctor’s office, of all places. Pouncing was the least of all he wanted to do to her.

The very idea of having her in his house—potentially wearing a comfortable pair of yoga pants—was enough to make him salivate. But he was determined to move at her speed. Which meant what he wanted didn’t matter.

“Fine. Then a restaurant.”

“Wow, you caved pretty fast. That’s not like you.”

“I call it compromising.”

“That’s not like you, either.”

“I’m growing,” he growled.

She laughed and it sounded sweet to hear. How long had it been since she’d laughed with him? Even though she was mostly laughing at him. He was her straight man and in the beginning of their relationship he’d found it incredibly annoying that he was so amusing to her. After a while, he would purposefully say things he knew would inspire her humor. Just so he could hear her laugh.

“Okay. I’ll come to dinner at your house. But we agree no funny stuff. I’m not ready for that yet. Not like you had a chance after you called me fat anyway.”

“I didn’t call you—” Enough. He’d won. She was coming to his house for dinner. It was all that mattered.

* * *

ANNA LOOKED AT the computer screen on her desk then at her cell phone she placed next to it. Then at the screen—which hadn’t changed—then at her phone again.

It would be the easiest thing in the world. She could call him and tell him she wasn’t feeling good or was too tired and simply cancel their night together. It happened. Dates got canceled. It wasn’t like she was shutting him off completely. He would, no doubt, ask for a rain check and she would gladly give it.

They could reschedule for the weekend when she had more free time.

They could reschedule for next month when she wasn’t so freaking freaked out.

Anna dropped her head back and moaned. That’s what was happening. She was scared and she couldn’t really define why. Watching his face when he realized he was listening to the beating heart of his child was like nothing she’d ever seen before. Not out of Ben Tyler.

Ben Tyler was stoic. He was whiplike smart. He was responsible and in charge of every element of his life.

A man in firm control.

That he should find awe in anything didn’t feel right. Not for him. Yet it had been plain to see he’d been shaken to his core by the sound of a heartbeat.

Then he’d proposed again and she knew with that proposal only the child occupied his thoughts. She couldn’t blame him. When she listened to the sound of that beating noise for the first time it got to her, too. She instantly wanted to take it out of her belly so she could hold it and sing to it and say, hey, you’re my baby.

It was crazy because she never thought of being a mother. Maybe it was a result of being raised in different foster homes. It wasn’t like she felt any link to her past that needed to be continued into the future. She was Anna. She was on her own. She’d never felt any urgent need to procreate.

Added to that were all the other natural concerns. Many people parented their children the way they had been parented. Anna’s mother and father abandoned her. While she didn’t see that being something she could possibly do to her child, she knew in the deepest corners of her heart that, in many ways, she’d abandoned Ben when he needed her most.

She could tell herself all day that she’d left him because she’d given him her heart and he’d dismissed it out of turn. But deep down in her soul where she didn’t like to go very often because it was a scary place, she knew that part of the reason she left was fear.

Fear of losing him. Fear of being left behind. Again.

Running from that fear made her a coward.

Sort of like canceling on him at the last minute would make her a coward.

So fine. She would go but she wouldn’t pretend that anything he said or did wasn’t all about the baby. It had nothing to do with her. It would be crazy to think otherwise. Not after all the years when she hadn’t meant anything to him other than being a competent employee.

A competent employee who looked decent in a pair of yoga pants apparently.

* * *

LATER THAT NIGHT Anna rang the doorbell and braced herself. She was edgy. Once she’d made the decision not to cancel, she’d started feeling as if any minute she might snap at someone. Like suddenly all of her patience was gone, and she was this raw live nerve. She’d gone home after work and changed out of her uncomfortable pants, deliberately putting on a pair of stretchy pants that, while they were not the yoga pants, were pretty darn close.

Looking down at herself she could see the bump of her belly under the tank top she wore. That the thing making the noise in the doctor’s office was, in fact, growing inside of her body.

It was so utterly strange when she thought about it.

The door opened to Ben who wore a loose, short-sleeved shirt and jeans. He looked good. Better today than when she’d first seen him after his stretch of quarantine. And he would only continue to grow stronger and fill out even more. Back to the old Ben with the broad chest and the steely blue eyes that she could get lost in for hours when he spoke.

It dawned on her that this could be problematic. She’d been able to get away from Ben at half strength. Ben at full strength? It was hard to know.

“Come in. I’ve got the grill on out back. The humidity has died down so it’s not so bad out there.”

She followed him through the house for a stop in the kitchen where he offered her a variety of non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated drinks. In the end she went with club soda and lime. Following him outside, she picked a lounge chair on his deck and settled herself in to be wowed and amazed by the act of Ben cooking. For her.

No, for the baby. This was all about the baby. She needed to repeat it over and over again like a constant loop running in her brain so she wouldn’t think that he was doing any of this for her.

“How did the rest of your day go?”

“Fine,” she muttered.

“Any new interesting cases?”

“Nope.”

She watched him take out the tongs to turn the grilling meat, probably thinking up several more innocuous questions that might trigger a pleasant conversation.

“Mark told me he’s helping you find your birth parents.”

“Yes, so?”

He tensed then slowly shut the lid on the grill. “I would have helped you if you had asked.”

“I didn’t.”

“Why now?”

“You know.” She pointed to her belly. “The whole genetics thing. I mean, if I have relatives out there somewhere, I should probably know about it. If there are any medical conditions we need to know about, it’s important to have that information.”

“I’ve thought about that. I’ve been doing some reading and we can save the placenta after the birth. Freeze it and, in case there is ever a need, the baby will always have its own stem cells to use.”

That had her eyes widening. He was already worried about their kid getting cancer. It was thoughtful, but the thought of freezing her parts after they came out of her body... “Gross.”

“No, smart. As a precaution.”

“Fine. But I still think I should find my parents if I can. Or maybe even their parents. Obviously my mother had addiction problems. But we should see what else is out there.”

“Do you remember her?”

Anna shook her head. It was more accurate to say she didn’t want to remember her. If there were memories—and there were a few—she forced them out of her head until they were gone. Like the sound of her mother’s voice calling her name. Or a lullaby she knew had been sung to her. None of it needed to be remembered, because in the remembering there was only pain.

“Then how do you know? I mean, about the addiction.”

“The smell.” Sickly sweet and awful. It had filled the room where they lived and Anna had instinctively known it was a bad smell. Maybe melting crack or heroine. She remembered how it made her feel scared because after the smell came, her mother would be different. She couldn’t touch her or talk to her. Then all those very vague memories filled with a sense of wrongness.

“Can I ask another question?”

She shrugged.

“Why Mark?”

“Why not Mark? He’s an investigator.”

“I mean, why not me?”

“I don’t know. I guess with everything going on between us, asking you for a favor right now seemed a little over the top.”

He frowned. “We’re supposed to be starting a relationship.”

“Trying to start. Not in one.”

“And you felt more comfortable going to Mark for help.”

“Yes.”

Everything was more comfortable with Mark. Because he didn’t make her feel this way. He didn’t make her feel any way. He was her boss. She wasn’t in love with him. They could talk about anything. Everything was easy between them. Not like this.

As if making a deliberate attempt to back off, Ben returned to the grill and lifted the lid, studying the contents within very thoughtfully.

“I’ve got steaks on. I hope that’s okay.”

She wasn’t sure where this need to fight with him came from. But the dark edginess she’d been feeling since she decided not to cancel the date had taken up residence in the pit of her stomach and it wouldn’t let her go. It was taking over and she didn’t think she wanted to beat it back. Let him see this side of her. Let him know that it existed.

“Um, do you have anything else? I’m not really into steak anymore.”

He stopped and she could see his mind spinning. How long had he prepped the steaks and marinated them in some special recipe he’d found? Because he knew she liked steak. She’d always loved steak. Of course he would think enough of her to serve what he knew she loved.

“I have some chicken breasts. In the freezer.”

“Okay.”

He looked at her then but didn’t say anything. “You want a refill on your drink while I’m inside?”

“No, I’m good.”

He headed inside. A few moments later and she could hear the beeping of the microwave as he unthawed the chicken she didn’t really care about. When he came outside with a plate of pale meat and barbeque sauce she grimaced.

“What?”

“It looks weird.”

“It’s raw chicken. This is what raw chicken looks like.”

“Okay, but I want it plain. No sauce.”

“You love barbeque sauce. You put barbeque sauce on French fries instead of ketchup.”

“I don’t like it now,” she argued. “I want the chicken plain. Is that okay? I mean, I am a guest, right? You want to please me, don’t you? That’s the point of this whole shebang.”

“You’re more than a guest.”

“Right, sorry. I’m also the mother of your one and only child.”

“Anna...”

She spoke over him. “How long do you think it’s going to take us to eat? Because The Bachelor is on television tonight and I don’t want to miss it.”

“The Bachelor?”

“Yeah. I know you don’t watch unreal reality TV. But I do and I don’t want to miss an episode.”

“Isn’t that what a DVR is for?”

“Yes, but then I can’t tweet at hash-tag Bachelor with everyone else watching at the same time. Talk about what the girls are wearing, predict who is going to get the boot, that kind of thing.”

That was doing it. Now he was getting annoyed.

“We’re supposed to be on a date. I hoped we could spend the time talking, not watching television.”

She shrugged. “Sorry. This is me on a date.”

“This is you in a snit.”

Perfect, she thought. Anna moved her feet over the edge of the lounge and stood. “Look, if you don’t want me here, I can go.”

But moving a little too fast she tripped over her flip-flops and the glass in her hand fell to the deck shattering around her feet.

“Don’t move,” he barked at her.

Anna stood motionless while Ben bent to pick up the largest of the jagged glass around her feet.

“Sorry about the mess,” she mumbled.

He said nothing. Simply picked up the pieces and took them inside to throw away. When he came back he had a damp towel in his hands. “Sit down.”

Anna sat on the lounge chair while Ben crouched in front of her. He carefully removed her flip-flop and then used the towel on her ankle and foot picking up any stray bits of glass that might have hit her. He did the same routine with her other foot, picking it up, running his hands around the bottom of her calf and ankle checking for the tiniest pricks of blood.

Then he used the towel on the flip-flops making sure not a single shard remained. When he was done, he slid the shoe on each foot and looked at her.

“You want to tell me what this is about?”

No, she really didn’t. “I think I should go. I’m obviously in a mood. Let’s blame it on hormones and call it a day.”

Ben straightened and cupped her face in his hand. “It’s not hormones. You’re acting like someone who has been backed into a corner against her will. You’re frightened. I know fear when I see it. But why? I told you I wasn’t going to jump you as soon as you walked through the door. Even though you and I both know you wore those pants to be provocative.”

Anna stood and Ben was forced to step back from her.

“I wore them to be comfortable.”

“You wore them to tempt me. Or maybe test me. I’m not sure. Did you really think something as simple as clothing would make me break my word to you?”

No, it wasn’t that. It wasn’t any of the things he thought. She simply didn’t want to be here with him. It was too hard. It was too much to think about and worry and wonder about. It was too hard to keep her wits about her when he was rubbing her feet and checking for small pieces of glass in the event she might have been pricked. Too hard to remind herself that he did that because of the baby and not because he cared about her.

He cupped her face again, moving closer until she could see the individual hairs in his eyebrows, and the new gray streaks that were appearing at his temples as his hair grew in. “Anna, talk to me.”

“I want to go,” she said quietly. She felt weak. She felt so impossibly fragile. She felt as though if he continued to touch her the way he was doing, then she would shatter, just like the glass had.

“You mean run. Again. Only this time I won’t let you.”

“Because of the baby.” She swallowed. “I knew it. I’m trapped with you because of it.”

She saw a faint reaction in his eyes. Pain. Pain she’d inflicted.

“Why are you doing this? I thought...I thought you said...”

“What? That I loved you?”

“Yes.”

“I thought I did.”

“Thought. You. Did.”

Anna caught his wrists and pulled them away from her face. She couldn’t look at him when she said it. She wasn’t nearly that courageous. She looked down and all she could see were their feet so close together. “I don’t know. Maybe it was an infatuation or a crush. These past few days I realized there is a ton of stuff we don’t even know about each other.”

Ben didn’t say anything, although she could still feel his scrutiny, still feel him studying her. Like she was some fascinating new specimen of humanity.

“I was, what, twenty-two when I started to work for you? Hell, what girl that age wouldn’t be in awe of the mighty Ben Tyler?”

Again, nothing.

“You didn’t even see me until that one night. Never looked at me. Really looked. How could I love you when you didn’t even know who I was as a person?”

Ben shook his head. “I saw you. But Anna you were my—”

“Assistant. I know.” She felt hollow. Like she’d purposefully thrown away her most treasured possession and now she could see she was nothing without it.

He would give up on her now. He would run through her words again and realize they made sense. How could she have loved him when she wouldn’t let him know her? And he had already said he didn’t love her. Didn’t know if he could love her.

He was smarter than she was. He knew what they were, while she didn’t. All she was to him was a moment of lust for a man who had been facing death. Really, what man wouldn’t take that opportunity to have the last screw of his life?

She was pathetic to think this might have worked between them. Pathetic to think that something would change between them when, for six years minus one night, nothing ever had.

Now that she was being difficult and temperamental, he would stop trying to woo her. Stop wanting to date her. Stop thinking that they had a future. She would pop the kid out and they would set up an every-other-weekend visitation thing like all other couples who had a one-night stand that resulted in a child.

She lifted her chin, daring him to do it. To tell her this obviously wasn’t going to work out between them. But when the silence continued and she could tell he wasn’t going to be the one to say it, she opened her mouth to end this permanently.

But he stopped her with a finger on her lips, keeping the words bottled up inside her mouth.

“I have something for you. Something I think you should see. Do you trust me?”

Trust him. The mighty Ben Tyler. If nothing else, of course, she trusted him.

“Okay, what is it?”

“It’s not here. I have to take you there. Will you come with me?”

She could say no. She could say she was tired. She could say any other bitchy thought that came to her mind and let go of this night and let go of this man forever.

Instead she nodded.