“Military men?” Tanner repeated.
“Yeah, they were wearing really fancy uniforms with lots of ribbons and stuff, and I think they were really important,” Sarah babbled on. “And they called me ‘little girl,’ even though I’m not that little, and they looked really serious, and they asked if my mom was home, and I said yeah, and I asked what they wanted, and they wouldn’t tell me, but I had a bad feeling about it, so I ran and got my mom, and they whispered something to her and then she just started crying. I didn’t know what to do because I’d never seen her cry before, and she fell down on the driveway, and they didn’t know what to do either; they just stood there looking down at her and saying it would be okay, and they could help her.”
“Oh,” Tanner said softly.
Sarah went on. “I went and got Cody, I don’t even remember what I said, but I think I was screaming really loud, and he came out of the house and bent over and hugged my mom, and he asked the military men what was wrong, and they told him that my dad had died, I heard them tell him that, and then he started crying too, and I started screaming again, because I didn’t know what else to do, and I wanted to ask them if my dad was in heaven, and I wanted to ask my mom that too, but she was crying, and the military men looked mean, and I didn’t know what they’d say, and besides, they were treating me like a baby.”
Tanner was quiet for a minute, and my heart sank for Sarah. She had opened up to him the way I had to Sam, and my brother wasn’t going to answer her, simply because he couldn’t.
But then, my brother spoke, which surprised me so much that I nearly fell over. “I believe in heaven,” he said quietly. “I know your dad has to be there. Because he was doing the right thing when he died.”
I heard Sarah sniffle a little. “You think?” she ventured.
I was afraid Tanner wouldn’t answer. Then he said,
“Yeah.”
They sat there in silence for a moment, and when I was pretty sure that the conversation was finally over, I peeked my head around a chair to take a look at them. Perhaps Tanner, having spoken his entire word quota for the past three months, had gotten up and left, or spontaneously combusted from the mental exertion.
Instead, they were sitting side by side in companionable silence, staring out at the Zamboni making its slow loops around the rink, smoothing the surface of the roughed-up ice. I waited for Sarah to say something more—affter all, she seemed to be overflowing with words—but she didn’t seem to have anything else to say. After a minute, she put her head on my brother’s shoulder. He paused and then put an arm around her shoulders. From the back, they looked like miniature adults. I could hardly believe it was my little brother, the one who hid in his room, watching TV and obsessing over animals.
Maybe, I thought, he was better off than I’d given him credit for. Maybe he’d get better with or without my help and concern. Maybe I was wasting my time fearing for his mental health.
Maybe he didn’t need me at all.
chapter 18
By Friday, Sam still hadn’t shown up at school. He wasn’t calling me back either, and I was really worried. There was still a part of me that was scared it had to do with me, but I reassured myself that no one in his right mind would skip school for five days because of a girl. I’d e-mailed him twice more, but I’d gotten no reply. I was starting to feel like a stalker.
After school, I caught a ride with Jennica and asked if she’d mind dropping me off at Lucky Strikes. “Sure, but I can’t stay and drive you home,” she said. “Anne has dance practice, and I have to take her. My mom’s having a spa day, so I’m stuck babysitting.” She rolled her eyes for emphasis. “Why are you going there anyhow?”
“Just meeting the group,” I lied. I knew I should tell her that I was looking for Sam, but I didn’t want to feel any more pathetic than I already did.
Five minutes later, I was standing in front of Lucky Strikes, staring at the door and wondering if this was stupid. I took a deep breath and walked in.
It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness inside the alley, but when they did, I spotted Donna seated behind the cash register, reading a paperback James Patterson novel. She was so absorbed in the book that she didn’t even look up until I was standing right in front of her. I had to clear my throat to get her attention.
“Oh, Lacey!” she exclaimed. She peered at me. “Hi! How are you?”
I shrugged, suddenly feeling embarrassed to be there.
“I’m okay,” I said. “Um, I was just wondering if Sam is around.”
I felt stupid the moment the words were out of my mouth.
Donna looked confused. “Sam?” she said. “No, Lacey. He’s at the hospital.”
My heart caught in my throat. “The hospital?” I croaked. “What happened? Is he okay?”
Guilt flooded through me.
Donna was looking at me more closely now. “You don’t know?” she asked.