A Headstrong Woman

chapter Six

“Mrs. Morris, I am so sorry for your loss,” Tristan Price extended his condolences. He was the ranch’s closest neighbor and a lifelong acquaintance of Alexandria and her family.

“Thank you, Mr. Price,” Alexandria returned.

“Please be careful, Mrs. Morris, I still can’t believe he was…I’m sorry, it’s just disturbing. You know you can call on me if you need me; right?” His hazel eyes were earnest as he studied her face.

“I appreciate your concern, Mr. Price; I’ll keep that in mind.”

Tristan moved on to be replaced by another neighbor. They had started arriving bearing dishes of food not long after breakfast and morning chore time. Alexandria, hoping her responses were appropriate, was running on autopilot. The night of lost sleep was starting to catch up with her. Lilly clung to her as she had all morning; Alexandria was left to shift her from arm to arm.

“Come on, Lilly, let Grandma take you?” Carolyn reached for the toddler.

“Nooo!” the child shrieked.

“Leave her, Mama; she’s fine,” Alexandria rubbed the child’s back in small circles.

“Why don’t you go and lay down with her, Alexandria; you look exhausted,” her mother fretted.

“Maybe I should,” Alexandria agreed. She moved to the stairs and was about to take the first step when her father ushered her in-laws into the house.

Janice rushed across the room and threw her arms around both Alexandria and Lilly. She was a statuesque woman, complimenting her husband’s burly size. Her brown and gray streaked hair perfectly offset her blue eyes. Nathaniel looked like an older version of Elijah with his blonde hair and blue eyes. It was easy to imagine that Elijah would have looked very much like his father had he reached that age.

“Oh, dear, I am so sorry,” Janice cried as she held them.

“How are you, Janice?” Alexandria addressed the woman she knew only from her wedding and through letters.

“I’ve been better,” the woman admitted as she righted herself and mopped her face with her handkerchief. Janice laid her hand on Lilly’s tear stained face; her own tears threatened again.

“How’s she doing?”

“She’s clingy at moment,” Alexandria admitted.

“That’s understandable,” Janice nodded. Nathaniel had caught up with his wife at this point and hugged Alexandria briefly before placing his hand on his wife’s shoulder.

“Are you ready to go into the parlor?” his own face showed evidence of recent tears.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Janice nodded.

Alexandria trailed them into the parlor and watched as they held each other and cried. What would it be like to have that with someone, she wondered?

“Can Aunt Anna hold you?” Anna approached Lilly with her hands out.

Lilly whimpered and pulled away.

“I know you must be getting tired,” Anna commented.

“It feels right holding her,” Alexandria countered; Anna offered her a small smile.

“Hello, Mr. Stewart,” Anna greeted him as he entered the room.

“Miss. Cannon,” he greeted in return before moving to a chair on the opposite end of the room.

Janice moved to Alexandria’s side and took a deep steadying breath. “You expect your kids to outlive you,” she told them. “Can Nana hold you dear?” she reached for her grandchild.

Once again Lilly turned away.

“I’m sorry, Janice, please don’t take it personal; she’s been like this all day.”

“No, no; I understand actually. If I was around her more it would help but no, I suspect that given all she’s lost in the past two years she wants to hold onto what she has left.”

“Janice, would you and Nathaniel like something to eat?” Carolyn approached them.

“I need to; I haven’t since…since I received word.”

“Let’s try,” Nathaniel suggested as he took his wife by the elbow. He knew he would be alright but Janice tended to become weak if she skipped more than one meal.

Jonathon watched Alexandria move to look out the window; Lilly’s legs were wrapped around Alexandria like a monkey. Alexandria looked exhausted and reached to rub at her back. Jonathon stood and moved to stand behind her, his gaze met Lilly’s.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he picked up her small hand and rubbed it with his thumb. “It’s a bad day isn’t, baby?” he asked as another sob racked her body. She was too young at not quite four to understand death, or should be, but her mother’s had given the word meaning. Alexandria glanced back at him curiously.

“You’re scared your mommy is going to go away too aren’t you?” he asked her. Lilly nodded against her mother’s shoulder.

“That’s scary, I know,” he nodded. “Do you think I could hold you if I stay right here with your mommy where you can see her or go back to her if you want?” Jonathon asked. He could see her consider it. She sat up and looked at her mother and then at him hesitantly.

“We’ll stay right with her, won’t let her out of our sight. We’ll pretend we’re her shadow, okay?” Jonathon extended his arms and let her make the choice. She finally reached for him and nestled her head on his shoulder in a way that kept Alexandria in her sight.

“Thank you,” Alexandria reached to rub at her back again.

“I should be thanking Ms. Lillian; it’s a privilege to get to hold her,” Jonathon countered.

“It is,” a small smile lifted Alexandria’s lips. She moved to the settee and seated herself for the first time in several hours. “Will this day ever end?” she asked in exhaustion.

“Eventually,” he assured her.

“Good. I wish the funeral were today and not tomorrow.”

“It should have been if you want my opinion,” he informed her.

“There wouldn’t have been enough time to get the word out,” Alexandria argued.

“Everyone who really mattered would have been there and then you could have all gotten some much needed rest,” he countered.

Alexandria nodded, “I guess you’re right.”

“You’re scared too aren’t you?” Jonathon seated himself in an armchair next to the settee.

“Of course I am; my whole life has changed.”

“Yes, but you’re most scared of losing your new little charge. I can tell your heart is fully involved,” he chose his words carefully so Lilly wouldn’t understand what was being said.

“That scares me more than being a widow,” she admitted.

“There you are…well she finally let you go,” Carolyn entered the room.

“Only because I promised we would be her mommy’s new shadow,” Jonathon informed her.

Carolyn offered him a soft smile. “You’re a good man, Mr. Stewart.”

Jonathon responded with a shrug. “I love kids.”

“Well, I know Alexandria appreciates the break.”

“To some extent she does,” Jonathon acknowledged.

Carolyn frowned at him and Alexandria smiled.

“Okay.”

“I’ll explain later, Mama,” Alexandria promised.

“I’ll hold you to that. You should come eat.”

“I will sit in front of a plate of food if it will make you feel better but I doubt I can eat,” Alexandria said as she stood.

“You need to,” Jonathon informed her.

Alexandria turned to frown at him. “Don’t think that just because you were successful with my daughter that you can now start ordering me around.”

“No, Ma’am,” he quickly assured her. Alexandria turned and Jonathon and Carolyn exchanged amused smiles. When Alexandria turned back to them suspiciously they quickly schooled their features.

“We’re right behind you; your new shadows,” Jonathon reminded her. Alexandria continued to survey them a moment before turning and continuing to the kitchen.

***

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

Alexandria tuned out the pastor’s words. They were words too familiar and heard too often; she could quote them by heart. What she wanted was for someone to tell her what she was to do now. How was she to raise her daughter? How was she to be both Mom and Dad now? Who would intervene when Lilly threw a tantrum? Would she even be allowed to try? In ways Lilly had become her whole life, the thought of losing her now was nearly unbearable.

If she was allowed to keep Lilly, where would they live? On the ranch? She knew nothing of ranching, though admittedly she was a quick study. Her head swirled with these questions and more until she pressed a hand to her temple to try and steady her world. Her mother’s arm slipped around her waist and Alexandria leaned into her and welcomed her comfort.

As soon as the service was over, Alexandria turned toward the buggy she had arrived in. She had no wish to be rude but was not up to greeting anyone at moment. Before she reached the wagon, one familiar face cut off her path.

“Alexandria, I’m so sorry. I rushed back from Jasper as soon as I heard,” Lane Wilson offered his condolences.

Alexandria managed a smile for her old school chum.

“Thanks, Lane.”

“Are you okay; do you need anything?” his brown eyes searched her face.

“I think I’m okay,” she tried to reassure him.

“You let me know if you need anything. I’ll let you go home to rest, Alexandria.”

“Thanks, Lane,” Alexandria resumed her path to the buggy and climbed up into the back seat to leave room for the others. Lilly came running and strained to climb in and Alexandria helped her up and into her lap. Lilly was finally letting her mother out of her sight but not far and not for long. It took a few minutes for the others to untangle themselves from the crowd and join Alexandria. As her mother and mother-in-law discussed what to reheat for lunch Alexandria let her tired muscles relax as she sank into the seat behind her. She had refused going to lay down the night before; she had not wanted to be alone. As a result she had dosed on and off but truly slept little.

They arrived at the ranch and everyone except Alexandria and Lilly alighted quickly. Alexandria was amazed at how weak she felt when she began collecting Lilly and herself to climb down. She was aware of conversation around her, the male and female voices blending together into one sound but not of the words being spoken. Lilly was lifted down and scurried toward the house as Alexandria accepted the proffered hand to step down. As soon as her feet met the ground she felt her legs turn to mush and found the ground rising rapidly to meet her. Two strong hands grabbed her by the elbows and steadied her. She blinked up at Mr. Stewart in confusion; the man seemed to be everywhere.

“I know you’ve barely slept in the past two days, have you ever eaten anything?” he demanded of her.

Alexandria frowned at him; she was trying to register his question.

“Never mind, that’s what I thought. I’m not off to a great start here,” he muttered.

Alexandria couldn’t for the life of her figure out what the man was going on about. He kept one of her elbows firmly in hand as he escorted her in after the others.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Morris, Mrs. Cannon, but she just nearly collapsed; I think she needs food and bed in that order,” Jonathon interrupted the ladies discussion about who was heating what dish.

Both women rushed to her side and seated her at the table.

“Thank you, Mr. Stewart, won’t you stay for lunch? You have been such a huge help here the last few days and my son wrote of you and your friendship to him often,” Dorothy invited.

“Thank you, Mrs. Morris, I would like that,” he nodded his agreement and moved to the table.

“I was hoping you could show us around tomorrow so we could see the state of things around here,” Clay addressed him as he indicated the seat beside him.

“That would be no problem, sir,” Jonathon assured him.

As soon as a plate was put in front of her, Alexandria started eating; she was surprised at how hungry she felt. She couldn’t remember the last time a meal had tasted so good though later she wouldn’t be able to remember what she’d eaten. One moment she was looking at her plate of food and the next it was blurring and tilting as gasps sounded around her.

“Come on,” Carolyn pulled on Alexandria’s arm to help her to her feet. Alexandria stood and allowed her mother and mother-in-law to help her to her room and into bed. The last thing Alexandria saw as her eyes slid closed was her mother gathering her discarded items.

***

Alexandria woke to find her mother again bustling around her room, this time laying out her clothing.

“Good morning,” her mother greeted her when she found her watching her.

“I slept all afternoon and night?” she asked in surprise.

“You did,” her mother answered, “feel better?”

“I do,” she said as she sat up and stretched. She swung her feet over the side of the bed and started dressing. “I’m starved.”

“Well come on; we’ll feed you,” her mom smiled.

Alexandria followed her mother to the kitchen and took a seat at the table. Lilly was already dressed and eating and none of the men were present.

“Where are Daddy and Nathaniel?” Alexandria queried before filling her mouth with eggs.

“They and Mr. Stewart are looking things over and assessing where the ranch is at currently,” Carolyn explained as she began washing the dishes the men had stacked by the sink.

“Nathaniel and I need to discuss some matters with you when he returns,” Janice informed her.

Alexandria nodded; the bite she had just taken settled in her stomach like a piece of lead. She would know soon enough what was to happen to her.

“Would you like some help packing up Eli’s things?” Carolyn offered.

“No, thanks, I can manage it on my own,” Alexandria assured her mother.

“Are you sure? It will be a big job,” Janice worried over her.

“I’m certain.”

Janice hesitated a moment; then, her face kind and compassionate, spoke. “I’m aware that things were not altogether as they should have been between you and my son. I know he had his own room, so if that is your concern, please don’t let that stop you from accepting help.”

Alexandria set down her fork, her eyes on her lap.

“There is no reason for you drop your head,” her mother-in-law sat down beside her and dropped her gaze to meet Alexandria‘s. “Eli wrote me of the mess he had made of things and how deeply he regretted that he had hurt you. He never let go of things easily, even when he was a child. For what it’s worth I really believe he was starting to.”

“Thanks, Janice,” Alexandria tried hard to smile. “I guess I could use some help,” she acknowledged.

“You finish eating and we’ll get started,” Janice offered.

Alexandria nodded and several minutes later was ready, at least she hoped she was ready to get started.

Entering his room and going through his things felt awkward, like an invasion; theirs had not been that kind of marriage. They started four piles, one for charity, one for trash that needed to be discarded, one for Lilly, and another of things Janice wanted. It saddened Alexandria to realize there was really nothing of his that meant something to her. No, she did have one thing he had given her; the hair combs, she realized with some relief.

“It’s depressing to see one’s life reduced to a series of piles,” Janice sighed as she sank to the edge of the bed.

“There was much more to his life than these things,” Alexandria reminded the woman.

“Thank you for reminding me,” the woman blinked back tears.

“I think that’s it. I’ll strip the bed for laundry day and have Clay pick up these things for charity later,” Carolyn mused as she eyed the room.

“I want to go ahead and carry this photo to Lilly’s room,” Alexandria stood and reached for the photo of Elijah and Martha on their wedding day. She entered the room and smiled as she watched Lilly “feed” her baby doll.

“I’m feeding my baby,” she announced.

“I see that,” Alexandria nodded and moved across the room to put the picture on the nightstand.

“What’s that?” Lilly abandoned her doll and clambered onto the bed.

“It’s a picture of your first mommy and your daddy on their wedding day,” Alexandria explained. Lilly, her small face crumpled in a frown, reached out and touched the glass over the photo. She then climbed into Alexandria’s lap and clung to her.

“I love you, Lilly,” Alexandria stroked the child’s back as she laid her head against Lilly’s.

“I love you too, Mama.”

“I can’t thank you enough for how wonderful you’ve been with Lilly,” Janice spoke from the doorway; Alexandria startled.

“I think I fell in love with her the very day she was born,” Alexandria admitted. “Mama was worried about Martha; she knew how sick she had been and stopped into deliver some soup and check in on everyone. Martha had Elijah bring us up to see Lilly.

“She was so small and delicate; her little eyelashes nearly disappeared against her creamy cheeks. I lost my heart right then. I looked for excuses to come and visit.”

“I wish I could have been here the day she was born,” Janice’s face was wistful.

“Was I real little?” Lilly leaned back to look at Alexandria with interest.

“You were tiny and your hair was so downy you almost couldn’t see it, like the finest spun silk. Your mama was so proud of you, she was as puffed up as old Mr. Peacock at Grandma and Grandpa’s farm when he goes to strutting around all full of himself.”

Her description made Lilly giggle.

“I growed.”

“Grew,” Alexandria corrected, “and, yes, you did. You thought you were quite big after you learned to walk; you decided you had to start climbing everything. I thought your poor mama was going to pull her hair out.”

“I’m so glad you were such good friends with Martha, Alexandria, it would break my heart if no one could remember her babyhood. I’m afraid that the general store kept us from more than a handful of visits. Most of my information is from letters,” Janice’s smile was sad.

“Martha was one of the kindest people I ever knew and Mama probably knows even more stories than I do. It is sad that some of those will be lost.”

“Or maybe not,” Carolyn spoke as she entered the room. “This was in the bottom of the chest of drawers. I decided to double check that they were empty and found this in the back.”

She handed Alexandria a book and she opened the pages. “It’s Martha’s diary! This should be kept for Lilly.”

“Definitely,” Janice nodded.

“I wonder if there were more.” Alexandria mused.

“Maybe, we can look around and see.”

“Can I play now, Mama?” Lilly was growing impatient with the new topic of conversation.

“Of course,” Alexandria kissed the top of her head and set her on her feet. She stood and the three women moved downstairs to have a cup of coffee.

“It looks warm but it is chilly!” Anna announced as she entered the back door with Michael.

“We took care of the necessary chores at home,” Michael assured his mother.

“Thank you, Son.”

“Welcome; I’m gonna go find the men,” he kissed his mom’s cheek before slipping back out the door.

“What have you all been doing?” Anna asked as they all seated themselves around the table.

“Going through Eli’s things,” Alexandria informed her.

Anna grimaced.

“Now that that’s done I’m not sure what comes next,” Janice admitted. The women hadn’t much more than started sipping their coffee than the men came spilling into the hall shedding coats and hats as they came.

“You have any more where that came from?” Clay nodded at his wife’s coffee.

“Of course, you all have a seat and I’ll get you some coffee and some cookies to go with it.” Carolyn rose and Janice and Alexandria rose with her.

“The only thing that sounds better than coffee is coffee and cookies,” Nathaniel commented as he seated himself beside his wife.

Janice grabbed the cookies and milk and sugar for the coffee while Alexandria and her mother filled and handed out cups of coffee.

“Things look to be in good shape around here,” Nathaniel commented before taking a drink of his coffee. “Which brings me to a matter of business, Alexandria. What exactly are you plans now?”

“I honestly don’t know; I guess I’m unsure what my options even are,” she admitted and forced her hands to still in her lap, rather than wringing them in anxiety.

“What about Lilly?” he queried as he watched her closely.

Alexandria clenched her hands in her lap and took a deep breath. “I’m only her step-mother; you’re her natural grandparents so I guess it’s your decision to make.”

“I’ve seen you with her and I know how deeply you love her, Alexandria; do wish to retain custody of her?” It was Janice who spoke now.

Alexandria felt tears spring to her eyes. “I’d like to, yes.”

“I would take her in a heartbeat if I didn’t see and know how much you mean to each other but I can and do and I can’t do that to either of you.” Janice looked on the verge of tears herself.

“Thank you,” it came out a whisper. “I,” Alexandria had to stop and clear her throat. “I couldn’t love her anymore if she were my own.” Alexandria accepted the handkerchief her father passed to her.

“You are her mother, Alexandria, birth alone does not a mother make; you have a mother’s heart and Lilly has made herself at home there and you in hers. We want visitation of course,” Janice informed her.

“Absolutely! I would never dream of keeping her from you,” Alexandria assured them.

“That brings us to the next bit of business then. I want you to know you have a home with us should you ever want it or need it,” Nathaniel informed her.

“And you are more than welcome for you and Lilly to join us,” her father added.

“We’ve been discussing it this morning and what we want to know is if you wish to remain here? We know you have no experience ranching but we know you are an intelligent woman and we will be available if you need us,” Nathaniel offered.

Alexandria’s eyes widened. Run the ranch herself?

“Jonathon, Mr. Stewart, has agreed to stay on as foreman and is more than capable of helping you learn the lay of the land so to speak. With his help and your father and brother checking in, we believe you could learn to run this place by yourself.”

She glanced at Mr. Stewart and found him watching her; his expression was neutral but his eyes seemed to be conveying confidence in her. Alexandria felt her heart lift with hope, she could, couldn’t she?

“This place should be kept and maintained for Lilly,” she mused aloud.

“A part of it, yes, but I don’t think that you should work and maintain it all these years to end up with nothing. This is a large ranch thanks to Elijah’s forethought in buying up small parcels over the years. I propose we set a part of it in trust for Lilly upon reaching her majority and that the remainder should be yours. If we take that approach, you will be getting your investment and work out of it and her part will be protected should you remarry.”

“I seriously doubt that will be an issue,” Alexandria stated confidently. Her mother and father frowned but said nothing.

“Either way, I think that is the best approach,” Nathaniel offered.

Alexandria nodded her agreement. “I want to do it,” she announced; excitement was starting to take root.

“It will be difficult to run this place and raise Lilly alone,” Janice warned, “but we think you are more than capable.”

“I could stay and help with Lilly for a while, just until she learns her way around ranching. That way she won’t be worrying over Lilly’s care,” Anna offered.

Clay and Caroline exchanged glances before seeming to reach an unspoken agreement.

“That’s Alexandria’s decision, though she might appreciate your help.”

“Thanks, Anna, I think I’ll take you up on that,” Alexandria smiled in her direction.

“There are papers and things we will need to go over and sign, and there is a lien on the property at moment but if the ranch continues to do as well as it has been you shouldn’t have any trouble paying it off. I would for you if I were able.”

“Okay, I’m sure I can manage and if I have questions Daddy isn’t that far away,” Alexandria nodded confidently. She was going to do it; she was going to be independent!