A Real Disaster

Chapter Twelve



“So, uh, what do you like to do in your spare time?” Turner said for the eighth time.

I smiled at him as he flushed but my smile was forced.

“I’m sorry. I know I keep asking the same question but my mind went blank. I’m just so nervous.”

Nervous about what, I wanted to ask. This was our third so called date, and our first date was disastrous and the second one was going good until he held me down in bed. I tried to put it to the back of my mind but it kept coming back to me, reminding me that I didn't like Turner as a boyfriend.

“There’s no reason to be nervous,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “I think we’re close enough to skip the polite conversation, don’t you think?”

Turner flushed again as the spoon he was holding slipped from his fingers. It clattered against the ice cream bowl and others around us jumped, glaring at us. I bit the inside of my lip to refrain from rolling my eyes.

God, could this get any worse?

“Sorry,” Turner mumbled. “I guess all I know how to do is f*ck up. I mean, obviously that’s all I know how to do because that’s all I’ve been doing.”

And here comes the self-pity.

“You’re not f*cking anything up,” I lied.

I tried not to sneer as Turner rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. At first Turner’s awkwardness was a turn on; something that made him cute and vulnerable. But now… It was becoming annoying. The guy sitting in front of me wasn’t the guy I originally met and it was a complete turn off. I didn’t want to be mean to him though.

“Is it good?” I asked.

“It’s amazing,” Turner gushed.

“Oh wow, it’s late. I think once we finish we should get going. I have a lot to do.”

“Want me to keep you company in your room?” Turner said with a wink. “Or, if you’d rather, I can take you back to my place. We could pick up where we left off?”

How could I go back there when everything already sucked right where we were?

“I wish I could,” I said, feigning regret. “But I have a test to study for… A big one. If I don’t ace this, my G.P.A. will drop.”

Turner frowned and actually put his milkshake down.

“That’s a bummer. Do you want me to help you study? I’m used to pulling all-nighters. I can get us some coffee, some donuts, and we can make a night of it. Nothing else, I promise.”

“Thanks for the offer but I think this is kind of a solo job, you know?”

Turner shrugged but he lost his smile as he finished the milkshake.

“Okay,” he said after a minute.

“Not a problem. Maybe we can hang out this week.”

“Maybe,” I said lightly.

The two of us stood up and exited the place, surrounding ourselves with the cool night. I turned my head up to the stars and silently wished that things could get better.

“Do you want to do something this weekend… After your test?”

I clamped my lips shut tight, not wanting to say yes but feeling too bad to say no. Turner wasn’t a horrible guy. It was just that the more I hung out with him, the less I felt for him. We were good as friends and that was all I could do… But how could I tell him that? And what happened at his place didn't make things any better. It was a huge mistake on my part. The way it ended made it hard for me to see myself with Turner, ever.

“Turner I-”

Turner stopped and I nearly crashed into him.

“Let me guess. You think we’re great as friends but nothing else, right? You don’t feel for me what I feel for you, right?”

Too shocked to say anything, I only nodded.

“I’m sorry,’ I murmured.

“Don’t be. It’s not something I haven’t heard before… Especially after girls meet Nash.”

Turner didn’t sound angry, nor did he sound resentful. Turner just sounded… Sad. I wanted to grab his hand and tell him that it wasn’t Nash… That this had nothing to do with him. Nash wasn’t involved in my decision at all. I knew, though, that even if I did tell him that, Turner wouldn’t believe me.

“It’s fine, Lily. I get it.”

“Do you?” I asked. “Do you get it Turner?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I understand. I’m just not boyfriend material. There’s no spark, right? There’s nothing there… Or at least you don’t feel it.”

I didn’t want to ask if he felt it. I knew what the answer would be.

“I’m sorry.”

“Let’s get back to the dorm.”

Turner made a sharp left and I couldn’t do anything else but follow him.



* * *



I let myself into the dorm using my key and immediately dropped my bag onto the floor. Sabrina, who was surprisingly in the dorm studying, looked up when I walked in. She closed the thick text book, marking her page with a highlighter, and turned to me.

“Rough night?” she asked and I nodded, too exhausted to answer.

I shimmied out of my clothes and exchanged it for a baggy t-shirt and a pair of flannel pants.

“I’m assuming the date didn’t go well?”

“You would be assuming correctly,” I told her.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “It started out fine,”


“But then it just fell to pieces. He’s not for me.”

I laid out to Sabrina the whole date if you want to call it that. I started with the night before. Then from the time we left the dorm room earlier and bumped into Nash, right up until I walked into the room. She nodded and murmured as I spoke but I wasn’t sure if she was truly listening to me. She probably didn’t understand my fear of being held down by someone. She probably would enjoy it the way she talked.

“Sorry for bogging you down with this crap. I just needed to talk to someone. I really thought that everything was going well. Turner… Well he seemed like a great guy, a hell of a lot better than Nash. But after last night and today… I don’t even want to hang out with him, honestly.”

“I totally get it,” Sabrina told me. “And Turner is a nice guy. But if I’m going to be honest with you, Lily, he’s kind of dull.”

Dull? Now all of a sudden Turner was dull?

“I wasn’t going to say anything before because you seemed really into him.”

Really? She obviously didn’t understand what I was talking about.

“Whatever.”

I plopped down onto my bed and pulled a blanket over me.

Curling on to my one side, I turned off my lamp and stared, bleary-eyed at the wall. My body was tired and my eyes drooped but my mind would not stop thinking about the day, or about Turner and Nash.

Although I wasn’t going to admit it, Sabrina hit it right on the nose. I liked Nash, as much as I didn’t want to. Probably more than I should and I knew it. But there was something about him; something about the way he talked to me, that drove me to him. Up until our fight, he was the person I talked to if I needed anything, even more than Sabrina.

Nash had the air of confidence and security that I wanted coupled with the sense of adventure I craved. Compared to Nash, Turner was bland.

And he reminded me of my dark past.

But it didn’t matter.

I didn’t like Turner and Nash didn’t like me. He made that perfectly clear the other day and was obviously pissed when he saw Turner and I together. I was right back to where I started; alone. What was I going to do about it?

With that thought in my mind, I finally closed my eyes and willed my body to sleep.



* * *



A few weeks later at around three o’clock in the morning, I heard a pebble hit the thin window of my dorm room. Before I opened my eyes, I heard the second and then the third pebbles. Soon the pebbles weren’t coming one by one but instead in packs, sounding like hail. If it kept going I knew that it would wake Sabrina up and then all hell would break loose.

Stumbling up from my bed, I shuffled to the window and looked down.

Though the shadows were thick, I could make out Nash’s profile in the soft light of the flashlight he was holding. He looked serious as he motioned me downstairs.

Jesus.

I hadn’t seen or talked to him for a while, but at three in morning he’s bothering me?

The pebbles didn’t stop. I finally grabbed my robe and as I left the dorm room I couldn’t help but wonder how Nash managed to stay under my window without getting caught. Security patrolled the dorms at night and yet they didn’t catch him.

Frowning, I pulled the robe closer to my body and went down the stairs and outside. My feet were cold even in the slippers that covered them and the crisp air slithered under my robe, sending shivers through my body.

“Hey there,” Nash whispered as I got closer to him. “Did I wake you?”

His cocky grin proved that he knew he woke me.

“What do you want?” I asked. “I have to get back to bed. I have a test tomorrow.”

Nash frowned and dug his hands in his pockets.

“I wanted to talk,” he mumbled and I rolled my eyes.

“Why? Why do you want to talk? I don’t think we have much, if anything, to talk about... You made yourself very clear last time we talked.”

And by kissing that girl…

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about Lily… I came here to apologize. I shouldn’t have said any of that shit. I was…. Well, freaked out, majorly.”

“You think?” I hissed. “I think you did more than freak out.”

Nash nodded.

“I didn’t mean any of it. I should have never said what I said. I… I just f*cking miss you okay?”

Miss me? He missed me?

“Y-You miss me?” I stuttered.

He nodded.

“Yeah, I miss you. I miss you a lot actually. I miss hanging out with you and seeing you. I hate not knowing what the f*ck is going on with you.”

“Why do you care? Last time I checked, you thought I was clingy and needy.”

“I didn’t mean that shit. You make me laugh and think about things that I used to never think about. You don’t fall at my feet like all of these girls; you challenge me and push against me every chance you get.”

I found myself smiling anyway.

What the hell? How can he have this effect on me?

I should have turned him away. I should have told him that I never wanted to speak to him again but the words just wouldn’t come.

“Well, what if I don’t care about any of that? What if I don’t give a flying f*ck about how you feel or what you think?”

“Well-”

“You hurt me Nash. You discarded me like I was trash and didn’t give me a second glance. You-”

I clamped my mouth shut, biting my tongue. I was about to tell Nash something that I didn’t even realize until that moment. I was about to tell Nash that he broke my heart. He broke my heart.

I hung out with him only a few times and he already broke my heart? I couldn’t help it.

“You what?”

“Nothing,” I muttered. “Never mind.”

“No, Lily, tell me,” Nash pushed.

He brushed my arm, leaving a row of tingles. Suddenly, in the dark, I heard the rustling of leaves and heavy footsteps. By the time I turned, the security guard was standing in front of us, tapping his foot on the ground.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I just had to speak to her and it couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait.”

“Well no student is allowed to be out this late on school grounds, it’s school policy. We don’t want anything to happen to anyone.”

“I’ll get back inside…” I mumbled.

Nash grabbed my arm before I could move.

“Lily-”

“I need time, Nash,” I said. “I know that you don’t want to hear it but just give me some time.”

“Lily…”

Nash dropped his hand, shuffling back to give me ample room to move.

“Shit. Fine.”

“Thank you.”

Without another glance at Nash, I schlepped through the leaves back into the building. My hands were numb but not as numb as my heart.

Slipping through the door, I was relieved to see that Sabrina was still fast asleep. Climbing back into my own bed, I pulled the covers up, tucking them under my chin, and closed my eyes. A part of me wanted to look out the window and see if Nash was still there, waiting for me. I wanted to know whether he meant what he said and if he really regretted everything that happened. I should have asked him about the girl. I’m sure there was more than one.

But another part of me, a stronger part of me, didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let him walk all over me with a bad attitude and kissing other girls. If he wanted to be with me he would have to show me.

Though I doubt that will happen.

Despite what he said, I didn’t believe that Nash was the type of guy to come back crawling, begging for forgiveness. He thought he was too good for something like that. That was the last thought I had before I found myself in the deep black orb of sleep.