“Why aren’t you using Chad’s office?” Joe asked Anna.
“I’m not sure,” she said. “I’ve never been comfortable there, maybe because it was Chad’s space and he was so protective of it. And also, he was always so critical of my work-mess, as he called it. Whether I was studying for a law degree or working as a judge, he never quite accepted my work clutter as necessary, even though he had the only work space with a desk, credenza and door that closed. During the pandemic lockdown, I threatened to write a book on how to create efficient piles of work. He wasn’t amused, but still didn’t offer to share his space.”
“It’s free now,” Joe said.
“I don’t know why, but it still isn’t mine. I cleaned it out, made sure the counseling office got all his records and packed up our personal records, but it still doesn’t feel like mine.”
“Then get rid of it and do something else. Flip-flop rooms or something. Get a new desk. Anna, you’re a judge. You don’t have to work on the kitchen counter anymore.”
“But you do,” she reminded him.
“I’m different,” he said. “I’m a teacher and I have an office on the campus. I bring work home because it’s convenient. Detectives don’t come to my house late at night for a warrant.”
“One thing is settled,” she said. “We have too much clutter between us to ever live together.”
“We wouldn’t if you’d make yourself a home office.”
“I’ll get right on it,” she said. But she was thinking, One thing at a time.
The more time she spent with Joe, the more she realized there had been something missing in her marriage. It was especially obvious with the smallest changes—she could turn over in the night and he was immediately there. Chad had not been much of a cuddler and scooted as far away as he could get. With Joe, they had watched movies in bed together and they were always touching. Even the smallest touch was significant. Sometimes only their feet were touching, but it mattered and sent warmth radiating through her. In the morning when she woke, he was usually curling around her. But she enjoyed just as much those mornings when he rose early and had coffee ready for her in the kitchen.
Whatever the circumstances, Anna had the one thing she didn’t think she needed. She had love in her life again, and it was rich. She was relaxed and calm at her center. She fed hungrily on the sex, something she hadn’t anticipated or longed for until it happened, and the one thing she always thought she had with Chad she now realized was wanting—companionship. Anna and Joe had long conversations about everything from movies and books to politics and religion.
Anna had learned early how to support Chad and he required a lot of support, but she had never been supported. She only realized since being with Joe that even though she’d accomplished so much against so much adversity, Chad had not been proud of her. Oh, he said so, but it just didn’t ring true. There was a slight pullback, a slight curl of the lip as he said, “Oh, Anna is the accomplished one in the family.” Chad considered himself the steady one in the marriage, yet Chad was the one who had a crisis about every four years, a crisis of, “Is this all there is?” Then he would work through it and emerge both satisfied and grateful. But the six or so months it took him to come to terms with his personal crises were hard on Anna.
One early morning when Joe and Anna had to rise and go to their jobs, she turned into Joe’s arms and said, “I didn’t realize until now—I was lonely in my marriage.”
“I’m not surprised,” Joe said. “I loved Chad and he was a good friend, but he was also selfish. Focused on himself. Yet he was well-known as a great counselor because he was smart and objective. I never figured out how he managed that, but it’s true. In work he was supportive of women, in his personal life, he wanted to be catered to by his woman.”
“Huh,” she said. “Women loved Chad. Too many of them, in fact.”
“He was what we call a mother-man,” Joe said. “He wants to be the leader, the protector. He wants a soft woman who needs him, who depends on him, who just couldn’t make it without him. But that sort of woman is a lot of work so he opts for someone strong, someone who can take care of him. He once told me you were the smartest, most capable woman he’d ever known.”
“He told me that, too. I’m trying to remember if his lip curled when he said it. I know that when he said he was proud of me for being appointed to the bench he had a slightly sour look on his face.”
“It was easy for Chad, a therapist, to give lip service to wanting his partner to be his equal,” Joe said. “He was probably sincere, as long as you didn’t stray a quarter inch ahead of him in accomplishments. Anna, sooner or later you’ll see, you were the glue in the family. You always have been.”
“Chad was as involved a father as I was a mother...”
“Still, you were the binding force,” Joe insisted. “He depended on you for everything.”
And I was lonely, she remembered. And didn’t really know it until Joe became my friend and lover.
“I can’t put off telling the kids any longer,” she said. “If I wait any longer, who knows how much I’ll have to lay on them at one time! It started out with a secret sibling, now it’s a sibling with a child and their father’s old friend has become their mother’s boyfriend. Oh, and there’s a hint of a missing uncle out there somewhere. I don’t dare wait another month.”
“The leaves are changing,” Joe said. “On Saturday, let’s take a long drive north. We can talk about it in the car and stop for seafood. If you want support, I can shore you up when you tell them.”
She rubbed her temples. “It gives me a headache just imagining it.”
“Stress is no one’s friend,” he said. “Can you sneak away this weekend?”
“I’ll check with Phoebe, but I think I can. I really need this over with.”
The early October sun was bright and warm on Saturday. Joe got up early to make the drive to Mill Valley to pick up Anna. The afternoon before he bought a few snack items and drinks at the grocery store and assembled them in a basket and cooler for the road.
He called her from the car. “I realize I’m a little early and I don’t want to rush you. Just let me know when you’re ready.”
“I’m ready!” she said. “I can’t wait.”
And Joe realized they’d never spent a whole day together since they had attained this new status. When she opened the door for him, the bright shine of happiness on her face just melted his heart and he grabbed her in an embrace and kissed her till she laughed against his lips.
“I looked forward to this all week,” he admitted.
“Should we put together a little something to snack on while we drive or if we should stop?”
“I’ve already done that,” he said, grinning like a boy.
“What a guy. Then let me get my purse and let’s head into the hills.”
They chose to drive through the coastal towns north of San Francisco and into Sonoma where there were plenty of vineyards and restaurants because eventually they’d want to stop for a meal. The scenery was amazing on this bright fall day and they encountered dozens of groups of cyclists enjoying the cool fall air. The hillsides to the east of them were starting to color beautifully.
But the best part of the drive was being together in the car. When they crossed over some road construction, they had a conversation about infrastructure and what it might entail in California. When they saw a group of about a hundred cyclists gathered in a park as a resting stop, they talked about what they might have in common when it came to outdoor exercise. When they were driving through Sonoma, they talked about vineyards and wine and even stopped at a winery to buy a few bottles for later.
They talked about their parents, their kids, their jobs. They even spent a few minutes discussing catalytic converters on cars. They pulled into a rest stop but passed the picnic tables and opted for a grassy spot under a big tree.
“I feel like I’m getting to know you all over again,” Joe said.
“After we’ve been on the phone for an hour or spent an evening together, I wonder if there will come a time when we have nothing to talk about. It doesn’t seem so today.”
“There will never be a time we have nothing to say to each other, but I look forward to the time we can be quiet together. I read all the time and so do you—you can’t talk while you’re reading. But you can be together just the same. I’ve been divorced for a long time, since my kids were little, but that’s something I never had with my wife. We never had companionable silence.”
Anna laughed. “Nor did Chad and I. Chad always had a lot to say.”
“Didn’t he play the counselor card and ask you how you felt about things?”
“Very rarely,” Anna said with a laugh. “Chad always wanted to make sure I understood how he was feeling.”