“Because of our budget. Two teachers can’t afford to leap into a fast marriage before they can pay the bills.”
“We were going to get married in about two years,” he said. “Lately I’ve been doubting everything.”
“I didn’t sense doubt just now.”
“You know what I mean. I just need a little break! Some time alone to get my head together.”
“For an unspecified length of time?” she asked. “You wanted to shut it down. Until you wanted sex! I think you overlooked the part about being together in good times and bad. You came over to talk and had me naked in sixty seconds.”
“You didn’t fight that,” he pointed out.
“So now are you going to go away for a month until you get horny again? And then tell me you might’ve made a mistake until you get laid again? Michael, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m more than willing to do whatever I can to help you get through it but you have to decide—are you in or out? I don’t want to be your booty call!”
“You’re more than a booty call,” he said defensively. “I think of you as my very good... My only best... The only girl I’m... You know.”
“The only woman you’re currently having sex with?”
“That, for sure,” he said. “Here’s what might work. Let’s go back to just dating. Seeing each other, for lack of a better term. Let’s scrap the plans, the rings, the bigger condo, all that, and just be with each other. Maybe we’ll get back to all the other stuff later.”
“Later? Like in six months?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. “We’ll play it by ear. We’ll start over! A new beginning.”
“Except in this beginning, before we say I love you or I want to be with you forever, we’ll go ahead and have sex. Like whenever you feel the need.”
“Or you feel the need,” he said gamely.
“So instead of honoring our commitment and taking it from there, like maybe going to counseling to help you with your issues, we’ll just wipe out the plans and promises and jump right into being intimate with no strings?”
“You make it sound kind of heartless, but yeah—no strings. But of course I wouldn’t date anyone but you.”
She gave a sarcastic laugh. “That’s awful giving of you, Michael. Sounds a little like a man negotiating a divorce and saying, ‘I hope we can be friends.’ And ‘friends with benefits wouldn’t hurt.’”
“You’re being very cold,” he said. “I do love you, you know.”
“Oops,” she cautioned. “If you want to start over, you can’t say that yet. Have you by any chance talked to a professional about this problem you’ve had since your dad’s accident? You must know a ton of therapists.”
“Jenn, I just need a little space...”
“And just what do you intend to do with this space since you’ve done nothing so far?”
He propped himself up on his elbows. He crossed his long legs at the ankles. “I think you’re being deliberately difficult.”
She laughed, but not for long. “I’m going to take a shower. A long one. When I get out, be gone. And don’t take my lasagna. I’m not looking for a good friend and occasional sex. I’m looking for a man who keeps his word and would go to any lengths to work out anything we, as a couple, might face. Oh, and also a man who is at least as concerned about what I might be going through, being dumped twice in one month. Believe it or not, I had to sweep up the pieces of my heart the last time you said, ‘Let’s forget all our plans and promises until maybe never.’” She got up and walked with dignity wearing only her T-shirt. She went into the bathroom and closed the door, locking it.
This didn’t go at all the way Michael had hoped it would. He thought he would carefully explain what he needed, how he wanted their relationship to be for right now, and she would take care of it. Deliver. Give him what he needed. Make the peace between them so he could feel better.
I must not have explained it well, he thought.
Annoyed that she was acting so stubborn, he pulled on his clothes and left. And he was starving, yet he couldn’t think of eating.
Jessie had taken the only available Saturday appointment with Dr. Thomas Norton. He practiced in the city on the bottom floor of a Victorian that had been turned into apartments. Presumably the counselor lived on the second and third floors of said Victorian. It was in the pricy area near Nob Hill; Dr. Norton must be doing all right.
The ground floor was divided into a waiting area, receptionist counter, rooms for meeting clients, and she could see a kitchen down the hall in the back of the house. The receptionist asked her to take a seat and fill out the customary paperwork and provide ID and insurance information. The wait was not long once her paperwork was complete. She was shown into a small office paneled in stained oak with bookshelves and tasteful art. The room was dominated by a desk but in addition there was a small round table and three chairs. It was only moments before a sixtysomething man came into the room. Her first impression of him from his average looks and half smile that played along his lips was that he appeared safe. Then she realized that was probably a look he had worked at and perfected. He had thick dark hair streaked with gray, quite a lot of it, bushy dark eyebrows, a stocky frame and the most engaging blue eyes. They twinkled.
He sat at the table and invited her to join him by patting the place across from him. “Dr. Jessie McNichol, is it?” he asked.
“Just Jessie is fine,” she said. “I don’t know why I’m here.”
He chuckled softly. “I’ve never heard that before.”
“No, really. My father was a therapist. He died recently. Dr. Chad McNichol.”
He looked momentarily stunned. He pulled off his glasses, held them away from his face, closed his eyes softly. “I’m so sorry, Jessie. I met your father on several occasions. I’m sorry to say we never spent much time getting to know each other, but I always heard good things about him.”
“Thank you,” she said.
“Perhaps that has something to do with you being here?”
“Not really,” she said with a shrug. “I’m told I have a personality disorder.”
“I see,” he said. He put his phone on the table between them. He had a notebook in front of him, the pen casually resting atop it. He wasn’t writing. Yet. “I’m recording our session because my brain resembles a colander these days. I’ll transcribe from the recording and then delete it. I may take a few notes just to keep me on track. So, who is it that diagnosed you with a personality disorder?”
“My boyfriend,” she said. “Ex-boyfriend.”
He actually laughed, though respectfully. “I hope you benched him when he offered his diagnosis?”
“No, he benched me. Dr. Patrick Monahan.”
He was quiet a moment and then said, “Just the two of us here and yet a room full of doctors.”
“You know Patrick. He said you helped him.”
“That was kind of him,” Dr. Norton said. “Yes, I do know him. A gifted neurosurgeon. And what did you think of his diagnosis? Or would that be better termed disposition.”
“He’s probably right,” she said. “I’m hard to please. I’m easily irritated. I don’t mean to be. I don’t want to be. But I am. There you have it.”
“Is this something you feel like working on?”
“What if I said no?” she asked.
“Then I’m sure we could find something to take up the time. Most of us have multiple issues that could use polish. You would be amazed.”
“No, I wouldn’t be surprised,” she said. “My father, remember?”
“Of course. So if you could talk about anything today, what would you choose? It’s your hour and I want to be of service.”
“Well, there is one thing I have no one to talk to about. I’m an internist. A good one, some people say. But the thing is, I don’t like being a physician. I haven’t in forever.”
“Hmm. That’s a dilemma, isn’t it? Why did you choose it?”
“I wanted to excel. I wanted to be the best at something. I wanted my father, a PhD, to be proud of me. And yet he was always proudest of my younger brother, who barely got through college.”
“That must be annoying,” Dr. Norton said. “Have you any idea why?”
“I’d be guessing, but because he’s the only boy? And also, he’s so likable—never angry, never irritable...”
“There it is again,” the doctor said.
“Funny how that keeps coming up,” she said dryly.
“Do you mind if I ask—when was the first time you remember being easily irritated and angry?”
“As a child I had tantrums,” she said. “My mother called me her cranky baby. She said she worried about having another baby because I was a lot of work. So I don’t know if this is a problem I’ve always had or something I’ve always been accused of.”
“Tell me something, Jessie. When are you happiest?”
She thought for a moment. “I’m not sure. I think it’s when I believe I’m achieving something, when I expect to be praised.”