But for Chad, such a social creature, being shut in at home with Anna and no one else took its toll and his mood became darker and darker. He became more miserable by the day. They did not see their kids—Jessie was at the hospital or her practice every day, Michael and his girlfriend saw only each other and taught school remotely, Bess continued in law school, masked up. It was a long, hard, lonely spring and summer, and fall.
“Chad slid into one of his morose periods when the governor appointed me to the vacancy in the Superior Court. And once the vaccine was approved and being shipped, the first thing he did was make a reservation for a rafting trip in Idaho. With a group he didn’t know. He was betting travel would be allowed in April 2021. The fact that he didn’t swim didn’t concern him. ‘There will be life preservers,’ he said.” She shook her head. “I said, ‘Swimming is not your strong suit.’ And he said, so snottily, ‘As you should know.’ There were times I thought he was one-upping me. As if he were jealous. Then I would think that was impossible.”
“I think it’s entirely possible,” Joe said. “He was a man, after all. He might have gotten the idea you didn’t depend on him.”
“Joe, I couldn’t depend on him! First of all, he was unfaithful. Once for sure and possibly other times. And he had bouts of melancholy. It was very tiring.”
“But you didn’t complain?”
“I tried not to, but I got so tired of hearing him complain and whine that life just wasn’t giving him enough. I’m afraid the last couple of years were a huge challenge and I’m sure I bitched a lot. I’m very sad about that. By the time he died, we weren’t in a good place. That was when I started to realize how ridiculous it was for us to live together if we didn’t enjoy each other’s company at all! I suggested that when he got home from his trip, we should talk about a separation.”
“And what could Chad have done to change that?” Joe asked.
She thought for a moment, taking a leisurely bite of her dinner, chewing thoughtfully. “He could have said he didn’t want that,” she finally said. “That in itself would have made a huge difference. He might have given some thought to what he was leaving for me to handle alone—like a secret daughter and granddaughter. Just explaining all that to our children is stressful. I don’t want them to be angry with him and yet I can’t make excuses for him, either. But most of all...” She stopped for a moment and chewed her lip. “It might have been nice if he had ever once appreciated me. I know I was far from perfect but I made a lot of sacrifices for the sake of our marriage and family.”
“Gratitude, then?” he asked.
“If he’d shown the least bit of gratitude for anything, it would have made a difference, but what I wanted from him was simpler than that. I wanted him to see me. I longed for him to see who I really am and love me that way. That probably makes no sense.”
“It makes perfect sense,” he said with a kind smile. “To be accepted as you are.”
“He was counseling couples who were struggling with marriage, just unable to make it work, and I always thought it was simple. Respect, acceptance, compromise and commitment. I understand the need to be reminded of those things. I understand the need to work on them every time they seem to slip away. But at the end of the day, those are the things you need to do. Some days it’s easier than others.” She twirled her fork around in her food a little. “It’s very lonely when you think your partner, your spouse, isn’t willing to give those simple things to you even when it’s difficult.”
“And you felt Chad didn’t?”
“I felt Chad couldn’t. Because he was busy thinking of himself.” She looked at him with sad eyes. “I had decided it was time to think of myself, too.”
TEN
Jessie hadn’t seen Patrick in almost a week. Five days, to be exact. He’d gone to Boston for a neurosurgery conference where he was presenting and he called her a couple of times, but they hadn’t talked long. He said he was exhausted, which of course he should be if he had prepared a presentation, delivered it and was thrown off his body clock due to the time difference.
He didn’t even want to talk? She was beginning to feel taken for granted, or rather, feeling not quite that important. It was a familiar feeling.
She had everything worked out in her mind. She would be with Patrick forever. They might never marry, that was all right. He was too old, in his mind, to start a family, but she had never really longed for children. As long as she had Patrick, she could be happy. He hadn’t quite reached her expectations, but it was still early in their relationship.
She knew he was now back in town. He said he’d be in surgery for several hours on his first day back and he was starting at six a.m. so, regrettably, he might not be able to see her for another day or two. But couldn’t he at least let her know he was back, was thinking of her, couldn’t wait to see her?
She called him a few times, but was forced to leave a message on his voice mail. She thought even if he was terribly busy he should have time to send her a text. So she sent him a few texts. The first few said, I miss you so much. The seventh said, Are you ignoring me?
She was working all day, of course. She had patients to see, lab work to review, specialists to call, even an office meeting with the other doctors, and yet she had time to text and call. At the end of the day she went to the hospital to check on a couple of patients, though she didn’t have to. They were thrilled to have the added attention and she reassured them they were going to be fine. But her real purpose was to see if Patrick’s car was in the parking lot.
And it was not!
She drove by their favorite taco shack and his car was there. She parked in the parking lot and walked into the restaurant. She didn’t have to go very far—Patrick was seated at their table with an attractive woman. Patrick was wearing his scrubs, like he was barely off work, but the woman was dressed richly. She wore a camel-colored pencil skirt, heels—not in-the-clouds high, but three inches, anyway—a lightweight ivory sweater with a cowl neck and a fashionable leather belt over the sweater. Her brown hair was supershort and she wore gold hoop earrings. She had a briefcase and some papers on the table, but Jessie immediately thought that could be a decoy. She walked into the restaurant, to the bar area, and ordered some nachos and tacos to go. While she waited, she watched Patrick. He never looked around to notice her. In fact, he never seemed to notice anything but his nachos, tacos and the woman.
The woman shared his nachos. How sweet.
When Jessie was leaving with her takeout, he finally noticed her. He frowned; she glared. How dare he! He didn’t have time to even text her? But he could have dinner with a sexy woman?
Her fury grew as she drove back to Mill Valley. This, too, was familiar. She’d been down this exact road with more than one boyfriend. By the time she got home, there was a text from Patrick.
I’ll give you a call tomorrow. I’ve been slammed today and I’m going back into surgery tonight. I won’t get home before midnight.
And she responded, Yes, I saw.
He did not text back an explanation or excuse, and although she was melting down from within, she didn’t say or do anything more. But she wanted to.
It was nearly seven the next evening by the time her doorbell rang. Having thought ahead a little, she had brought home pizza and wine and beer, knowing exactly what he liked—what type of beer, what toppings, even that he preferred thin crust.
By the look on his face, he wasn’t going to be impressed by her thoughtfulness.
“Patrick!” she said.
“We have a problem, you and me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want you to hear something,” he said, stepping into her town house. “Let’s sit in here,” he said, throwing an arm wide, indicating her living room.
“Would you like a beer or glass of wine? I picked us up a pizza...”
He just pressed Play on his phone. Where the hell are you? You should be back by now! I’ve called several times and went straight to voice mail. I know you’re home by now! You said you had patients but surely there’s time in your very busy schedule for a call or a text to at least tell me you’re back! I had hoped to at least see you for a little while. If you can fit me in.
“I was frustrated...by not hearing from you...”
“I told you I was getting in from Boston late, that I had a full surgical roster for the next day and was operating on the east coast time change.”
“Did... Didn’t you get to rest in Boston?”
“No, Jessie. Boston was not a vacation, it was work. I was in conferences or meetings day and night. Not only was I presenting, I had meetings with colleagues to discuss spinal cord surgical procedures and other professional matters. There are not that many opportunities for one-on-one discussions.”
“Sorry. I, ah, was anxious to see you after being apart and—”
“Did you hear your tone? Accusing and reprimanding?”
“I...ah...”