“I was going to the court to play basketball, just like every day. I didn’t intend to like the game. I just wanted to embrace the one thing I was good at besides what I was taught to do. I would even sneak out in the middle of the night to play so I wouldn’t have to sleep. John finally caught me one night, so he put up the hoop in the back. It didn’t stop me from leaving, though because I wasn’t willing to accept anything from him. I didn’t want to have to say thank you because what the hell would I have to be thankful for? Eventually the nightmares stopped and I could sleep again…until you came along.”
He gripped the mantle once before letting go to face me. His eyes were burning bright with silent fury.
“You looked so innocent that day. So sweet and nurtured like you never had a bad day or did a bad thing. You reminded me of everything I was and what I wasn’t. That night I had nightmares again for the first time in weeks. But this time was different. It was you in my nightmare now, not her or any of them. I told myself that none of it was real anymore and that I wouldn’t hurt you or anyone. I didn’t want to be a bad person.” He released a dry laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. “I knew then that she got to me.”
I desperately wanted to ask about this mystery “her”. Had she been a girl or a woman?
“I wasn’t prepared to see you again. I thought—I hoped, that maybe you were just passing through but then I saw you again on the playground. You were going to save Buddy when no one else would. Not even his sister would try.” He swallowed hard and took a deep breath, averting his eyes.
“There is nothing more in this world that I hate than a hero…” his gaze caught mine once more as he said, “not even you.”.
“Is that why you pushed me?”
“When I tried to stop and you wouldn’t listen, I wanted to punish you. After I pushed you, I realized I could hurt you and that I would never be good and I hated you for it. I didn’t expect you to stay. I thought again that you would go away but you never did and I was stuck with the constant reminder of who I was every time I saw you. No one could make me feel that way but you so I tried to break you. I guess it backfired because as we grew older I began to want something different from you and suddenly making you cry wasn't nearly enough. I knew I couldn’t have you because you weren’t meant for someone like me and that pissed me off.”
My mind was raced with questions. I didn’t know whether to be mad at him or sad for him. No child should have those types of thoughts or think of themselves that way, especially at that age when your childhood is so crucial to your future as an adult.
“Say something,” he demanded.
“Who was she?”
‘What?” His eyes shifted away and his face paled.
“You said you had nightmares again but about me and not her. Who was she?”
He took a deep breath and ran his hand down his face. “She was someone who didn’t deserve what happened to her.”
“Was?”
“She’s dead.”
“The girl in the picture,” I said. He nodded as I stood up and walked over to him but he took a step back, retreating from me until his back hit the bookcase. I took his face into my hands and kissed his lips softly before gazing into his eyes. I saw heat and emotion flash in his eyes and felt his body shift toward me.
That’s good baby. Stay with me.
I wanted to ask him about his nightmares but decided against it. I didn’t want to risk it. His moods shifted around like a ticking clock except no one would know what came next.
“When did you first see me?”
“At Pies, Shakes, and Things, two days before the playground. I was riding by on my bike and saw you on the other side of the sidewalk with your Aunt. It was your voice that caught my attention. You were singing along to Sweetest Thing by U2. I sat there on my bike and listened to you try to hit every high note. It was the first time I could remember smiling ever. I didn’t see you for long because you went into the shop. I wanted to follow you in. I almost did.”