Chapter Four – Aston
“For the tenth f*cking time, I did not sleep with Megan this weekend. I didn’t even try to.”
Braden looks at me. “She seemed more pissed at you than usual in class.”
I shrug a careless shoulder. “Probably because I pissed her off more than normal on Saturday night.”
Ryan grins. “She did look like she wanted to wring your balls after you spoke to her at the bar.”
“Yeah, well, even if she did wring them I wouldn’t have been hard pressed to find someone to make it better afterwards, would I?”
“Shit, man.” Braden shakes his head and sits down. “Was I really this much of an a*shole before Maddie?”
Ry throws his cell in the air and catches it. “Yep.”
“Difference with me and you, dude,” I say. “Is that I can admit I’m an a*shole. You thought you were f*ckin’ Jesus or somethin’.”
“That’s because I am – behind closed doors.” He grins like the smug bastard he is. “At least you didn’t try it with Megan.”
“I don’t know why you’re so worried. Megan has more brains than to bump uglies with this ass.” Ry cocks his thumb in my direction, and I flip him the bird.
“You say this, but I’m the only one here with my freedom left. Your girls have your dicks in the palms of their hands,” I remind them.
“And what magical damn hands they are.” Ryan snickers.
“What? You never felt a magic hand before Lila?” I throw at him. “I guess I’m the blessed one.”
“Blessed with the ability to snake your way into bed with anyone you want to,” Braden continues.
“Because you don’t have the same ability,” I reply sarcastically.
“One day, Aston, you’re gonna end up just like us.”
“If I ever end up as p-ssy-whipped as you, please, f*ckin’ punch me.” I snort. “But that’s not gonna happen, trust me.”
Being p-ssy-whipped means feeling – and I don’t do that. I don’t let myself do that, and the one girl that could make me is the one girl that’s off-limits.
And that’s a good thing. If I can’t have her, I can’t feel for her. If I can’t feel, I can’t hurt her. Because I would, eventually. Eventually, the walls would build back up, push her out, and I would fall back on the only feelings that matter.
The physical ones.
You’re just like her. It’ll be all you’re f*ckin’ good for.
“Dude?” Ryan claps his hands once. “You there?”
“Yeah.” I pull myself from my head. “Thought I saw somethin’.”
“You say you won’t find anyone, but you will,” Braden continues. “Trust me. And it’ll be the girl with balls big enough to stand up to you and put your dick it’s in place.”
“If there’s a girl that can tame me, I’ll welcome the challenge.” I lean back. “I’d like to see someone try. Gotta feel to be tamed, boys, and I don’t feel a thing except for whoever it is in my bed on a weekend.”
“I didn’t feel anything. Then I had to play Maddie.” Braden pauses, running his hand through his hair and focusing on me. “Some things are just too real to be ignored.”
I grunt. “Whatever. Don’t you two have something better to do than sit here and tell me I need love in my life?”
“Probably.” Ry grins again. “But this is way more fun.”
“What’s fun?” Lila asks, strolling into the room and looking at Ryan.
“Annoying Aston.” He reaches for her, gripping her hands and pulling her down onto his lap.
She groans. “You do realize an annoyed Aston usually equals sex, which means there’ll be a pissed off girl hounding us?”
“Really?” I sit up straight. “Girls do that?”
Lila’s eyes are as flat as her voice when she turns to me. “Yes. Like they think that because I’m Ryan’s girlfriend, I have a VIP pass inside your head. I don’t, thank God, but they don’t get that. They all want to know why you don’t call.”
“Hey, I never promise to call. I don’t offer, and they don’t ask. Half of them don’t even leave their numbers!”
Lila raises her eyebrows, and both the guys laugh.
“They don’t!” I insist. “It’s not my fault. How the f*ck can I call if they don’t leave their number?”
“Maybe they want you to ask for it.”
“If I ask for it, then they’d expect me to call.”
“The problem is…?”
“I won’t call. If I ask for it, that’s misleading.”
She sighs and drops her head, looking back at Ryan. He fights his smile. “Is there no way to attach a warning to him?”
“Like what, babe?” Ryan sputters.
““Sex addict a*shole who won’t call, so don’t even bother?””
“That would seriously damage my reputation!” I protest.
Lila rolls her eyes and shoves herself off of Ryan’s lap. She heads towards the door, stopping and looking over her shoulder at me before she passes through. “You hardly have a stellar reputation, Aston. What you need to do is have one night with a nice girl. You never know – you might like it. It might change your a*shole perspective on things.”
“Eh, she’s got a point.” Braden shrugs.
“A*sholes.” I stand and follow her through the door, taking the stairs two at a time up to my room.
I’m so f*cking done with that conversation.
I had one night with a nice girl. That one night has ruined me because I can’t imagine being with anyone else other than her now.
The guys see the Aston I want them to see. They don’t see the f*cked up mess inside – they don’t see the real Aston. I don’t intend to show the real me to anyone. Ever.
You aren’t worth shit.
I let my bedroom door swing shut behind me, pushing back the echo in my mind.
I know I’m not worth shit. I don’t need a ghost from my past to remind me of that.
~
I had shivered in the corner, waiting, wondering. The thin blanket I wrapped around my body did nothing to block out the chill coming from my open window – the open window my six year old body was too small to reach.
She said she’d come back. She’d promised she would, but she took too long and he went to find her. I didn’t know his name, but he said she was gonna get it this time. He was angry.
I rubbed the top of my leg, flinching and trying not to cry at the stinging pain there. It was always my fault. This time it was because mommy took too long and I cried. I don’t know who he is but I don’t like him. He hurt more than the last one. He had bigger arms to hit me with.
“Mommy?” I whispered into the silent darkness. I was scared. Alone and scared. Where was my mommy? Why wasn’t she home yet? I rubbed at my eyes to stop myself crying.
I wanted Mommy to come home before he did. If he came home first he would hurt me again.
“Mommy?”