36
Always You
SARA HAD COME OUT OF EMMA’S ROOM HOURS ago and told me she was going to be okay. That was it. Then she went upstairs with Jared.
There was nothing okay about the horrified look in Emma’s eyes when Jared asked that question. He’d apologized over and over, but I still couldn’t talk to him. Of all the questions he could’ve asked, he had to ask the girl who’d survived being strangled that question. The girl who had been tormented for years at the hands of a sadistic woman.
I couldn’t stay mad at him. He wasn’t thinking of Emma’s past, just of the hilarious answers any other person would have come up with. He had no idea she was going to react that way. When she’d pushed her chair away, her whole body was trembling. Sara had reached her before I did, and so she was the one who was there for her. And I stayed away, and let her.
But now I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to check on her. To lie next to her and hold her. I knew I could keep her safe, if she’d just let me. But something kept me on the hammock, staring at the stars, instead of knocking on her door. There was still too much we hadn’t told each other.
I pushed my foot against the deck, rocking the hammock gently as I scanned the dark sky, the stars shifting beneath the swift veil of clouds. I wasn’t looking forward to telling her what had happened when she left. I knew she needed to know, but it didn’t make it any easier. But maybe if I opened up to her, she would do the same – and tell me what she was still keeping from me.
Jonathan’s text made my stomach turn. I hadn’t been able to get the words out of my head since I’d read them. I do forgive you. I miss you. Would give anything to hear your voice right now.
I never did like him … or trust him. Apparently, I’d had a good reason not to. She’d confided in him. She’d trusted him in a way she couldn’t trust me. But there was more to it than that … Please say you forgive me?
Something had happened, and before we could move on, before we could completely forgive each other, she had to tell me what that was. He wasn’t here for her now. And from the sounds of it, he wasn’t planning on being in her life. But whatever he’d done, it had changed her.
I couldn’t sleep. I stared into the dark, thinking about Jonathan. My heart thumped loudly in my chest, the lingering violence I’d witnessed clinging to me. For two years I’d pushed it away, refusing to confront what we’d done. I wanted to believe that protecting him was the right choice. I’d held Jonathan’s secrets as my own, as I’d promised I would – convincing myself that my silence was justified. My body shuddered at the memory of the charred remains of the house where his family had died, burned alive. I could still see the torment in his eyes when he confessed to the arson. There wasn’t any punishment that could destroy him more than his own guilt and sorrow. I knew what that hate did to a person. That venom still tainted my veins.
Needing fresh air, I grabbed a throw from the end of the bed and went out to the patio. I pulled the blanket tightly around me, but it did little to ward off the shivers. I focused on the overcast sky, wondering where Jonathan was now and if their screams still haunted his dreams. There was an anxious part of me that couldn’t let him go. A part of me that still needed to find him, even though I had no idea where to start.
My ears picked up a squeaking sound. I listened intently and heard the squeak again. Pushing the gate open, I walked quietly around to the main deck. Evan was lying in the hammock, slowly rocking back and forth.
‘Hi,’ I said, startling him. He jumped up and practically tipped the hammock over. I cringed. ‘Sorry.’
‘It’s okay,’ he assured me, trying to shake it off. ‘Now I know how you feel when it happens to you.’
‘Funny,’ I commented, making a face. ‘Can’t sleep?’
‘No. Thinking,’ I explained. ‘And you?’
‘Same,’ she answered, moving closer, a light green blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
‘Want to talk about what happened tonight?’ I proposed as she came into full view, standing next to the hammock.
Her darkened eyes flickered in contemplation. ‘I’m not sure I can.’
‘You can sit at the other end if you want.’ I scooted further up on one side of the hammock.
Emma eased herself over the edge, manoeuvring towards the middle so she wouldn’t tip us. She leaned back and bent her knees, her feet by my side.
‘Will you tell me something I’ve always wanted to know?’ I asked, having thought about it so many times over the years.
‘What’s that?’ Her voice was careful and quiet. I could feel her tensing. She drew the blanket in tighter as if to protect herself.
‘What were your nightmares about?’ I asked, reflecting on the nights I’d been by her side when she’d awoken in a sweat, screaming. Her torment had always haunted me. I couldn’t protect her from what waited for her in her sleep.
Emma released a smooth breath, blowing it out through slightly pursed lips.
It had been over a year since I’d had a nightmare. Their disappearance coincided with the increase of the emptiness. I couldn’t be tormented with images of my death when I was no longer afraid of dying.
‘They were about dying,’ I explained, trying to keep my voice calm. ‘About being killed in some way over and over again, and I’d wake just before my last breath. But it felt so real, the fear and helplessness, not being able to get away from her.’
‘Her?’ Evan repeated, with a bite in his tone. ‘They were about Carol?’
I shivered, her name slicing through me like a smooth blade. ‘Usually.’
‘I hate that woman,’ he said with an edge in his voice. ‘I can’t tell you how close I came to hurting her that night.’
I propped myself on my elbows, jostling us slightly.
‘George knew. He saw it in my eyes and stood between us, afraid I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I made myself concentrate on you to keep calm.
‘But if you hadn’t breathed. If you had –’ He swallowed. I could feel his entire body stiffen against the hammock.
‘Hey.’ I redirected his attention. ‘But I’m here.’ I set my hand on his leg.
‘Why did she hate you so much? What made her want to hurt you?’
I filled my lungs with the cool, damp air. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Don’t you want to know? Don’t you want to understand what made her such a psychotic bitch?’ Evan’s words were weighted with pent-up anger.
‘No,’ I answered, my voice low. ‘There isn’t an excuse or explanation in the world that would make it right, that would help me understand why she hurt me. I don’t need to forgive her. I need to figure out how to keep living – otherwise she should have killed me.’
I raised my head. ‘What? Why would you say that? You don’t think you deserved to die? Do you, Emma?‘ I asked, my chest pounding.
‘I wouldn’t say it like that exactly,’ she replied, her voice monotone and distant, like she was speaking about someone else. ‘I’m not sure what I deserve. But I know I’m not doing a very good job living.’
I was disturbed by her defeatist tone, but before I could say anything, she added, ‘I have a tattoo to remind me. I drew it when I was still suffering from the nightmares. It’s supposed to keep me from getting lost. To help me hold on.’
‘Can I see it?’
Emma sat up, and I straddled the hammock, pressing my feet on the deck to keep us steady. She scooted between my legs with her left side facing me, pulling up her T-shirt to expose the ink inscribed under her ribs. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to provide enough light to see the intricate details of the waning moon with a sleeping male profile. The entire outline was the same words repeated over again: ‘It’s only a dream.’ The script was fine and ran together in a cyclical chant, until the lowest point. A set of words disrupted the perfection. ‘Open your eyes and live.’
I reached out with my finger and traced the swing hanging off those words, small and delicate. Her skin erupted into a chill of goosebumps at my touch.
‘Maybe I should get one that says, “She’s still breathing”,’ I murmured as she lowered her shirt. She turned towards me in a sudden motion.
‘When you said that you have nightmares that I was gone, you meant that I died?’
I preferred not to reflect upon the many nights when I’d arrived too late, finding her limp and pale. ‘Not always,’ I admitted reluctantly. ‘Sometimes I can’t find you at all, no matter where I search. I usually wake up in a panic. The others … when I’m not there in time … feels like someone’s tearing my heart out.’
I couldn’t get in a breath as his eyes sifted through those nights of despair. I could only imagine what it was like to be forced awake by a nightmare, only to find that it was true. I ran my hand along his cheek, and his eyes focused on mine, surprised by my touch.
‘I don’t want you to hate me. I want you to forgive me,’ I gasped. ‘I want you to love me again.’ His eyes shone. ‘But I don’t know how to let you if I can’t forgive myself.’ I paused, my lip trembling. ‘It always comes back to forgiving, doesn’t it?’
‘It does,’ he sighed, cupping my hand and holding it against his warm skin. ‘I never stopped loving you, Emma. I just don’t know how to love you enough.’
A tear spilled over my cheek. ‘Why would you say that?’
‘If I did, you’d trust me with all of you.’
I bowed my head, pulling my hand away. ‘I’m afraid. So afraid that if you see who I truly am, you’ll hate me. And I can’t let that happen. I only exist because of you, Evan. You’ve saved me more times than you know. I’m so afraid I’m not worth the breath you gave me. I want to be so much better than this girl in front of you. I want to deserve you, to let you love me. I just don’t know how.’
‘You don’t have to let me, Emma. I already do. You just have to love me back. With everything you have. And that’s all I need. I need you. All of you.’
The raw intensity of our unfiltered words was consuming. I was terrified and exhilarated all at once. She was finally opening up, exposing herself to me, and I couldn’t have asked her to be any more honest. But at the same time, I was disturbed by what she was saying. And I was fearful about where this was heading.
There was a heartbreaking sadness in her eyes. Emma slid away from me and off the hammock. I watched her walk towards the stairs, where she turned and waited for me. I followed her down to the beach, accompanied by the sound of the volatile waves crashing to shore. We walked for some time, our eyes on our feet.
‘I need to be honest with you.’ My voice finally broke through the silence. ‘If we’re going to have a chance of moving forward, then I have to tell you everything that happened after you left. It’s not going to be easy to hear, but I need you to listen … to all of it.’
‘Okay,’ she said quietly, her voice nearly swept away in the ocean breeze.
I sat on the sand, and she lowered herself next to me. Feeling the pressure of her body huddled tight against my arm, I stared out at the coursing waves.
‘When you left me like that, in that house. That awful house. I was so angry. I couldn’t understand how you could disappear from my life without a word. That anger overpowered any other feelings I had for you. I wanted to let you go. I was convinced you’d chosen him.’
‘Jonathan?’
‘Yeah,’ I replied, trying to relax my shoulders. ‘I didn’t know what to think. But after what he said that night, about how you confided in him, with secrets you could never tell me … I just assumed.’
‘It wasn’t like that,’ she insisted.
‘Then what was it like, Emma? What happened between you two?’ I begged. ‘Did you love him?’
‘No, I didn’t love him.’ Her eyes glistened as they flickered in the dark.
‘But he loved you,’ I said in a whisper.
‘He thought he did.’ She looked away. ‘And I do care about him.’
‘Still?’ I asked. She didn’t answer. My fists clenched against my knees, the text flashing through my head.
‘Why does he get to forgive you, when you didn’t want that from me?’ I asked, the edge in my voice rising to the surface. Emma turned towards me, her eyes flashing with shock. I wanted her to tell me. I needed her to. ‘Are you going to tell me what happened?’
Emma’s eyes pooled with tears. She shook her head slightly and looked back out at the water.
I closed my eyes to collect myself and asked another question that had been plaguing me. ‘What did that letter say, Emma?’
Anger still lingered in Evan’s voice.
‘You know about the letter?’ My stomach hollowed. Evan knew way more than he was supposed to … about everything.
‘I found the envelope, and I tore my mother’s office apart looking for the rest of it. We never talked about it, and she never told me. Not until last week, when she admitted that it existed. That letter changed my life. I think I deserve to know what it said.’
I pressed my forehead against my bent knees. ‘It doesn’t matter any more.’
‘I don’t want to be angry, Em. I want to forgive you. But first we need to be honest … about everything. I still don’t understand how you thought that leaving wouldn’t destroy me. Because it did. You couldn’t have hurt me any worse.’
I stifled a sob and clutched my knees harder.
‘I know this is hard. But I need you to keep listening, okay?’
‘I’m listening,’ I murmured, barely audible.
‘After you left, the school made up some lie that you chose to leave for Stanford early, and wouldn’t be at graduation. But everyone knew. They were all at the party where we never showed. They saw my face when I came back from Cornell a few days later. My cuts were barely healed by graduation. No one knew the details, but they figured that whatever happened to me had something to do with why you left. And then … I had to give that f*cking speech, the valedictorian speech you were supposed to make.’
‘What about Ben? He was the salutatorian,’ I questioned, feeling increasingly ill the more he spoke.
‘He refused.’ Evan shrugged. ‘I don’t know the exact details, but I ended up having to give a speech that was supposed to encourage everyone to go after their dreams. How was I supposed to convince them to look forward to their futures when I couldn’t see two steps in front of me? It was a disaster.
‘And then I went to Yale. I wanted nothing to do with you, so I didn’t fight it at first. It wasn’t in me to care any more. I’d go to classes during the week, and spend the weekends at home … with Analise.’
‘Analise?’ My voice broke.
I lifted my eyes towards the shifting sky and gathered myself. Knowing how much I was hurting her was killing me, which was the reason I didn’t want to share this with her to begin with. But I was convinced it was the only way we’d finally be able to heal.
‘She was always a friend. She cared about me. And so we’d hang out, and she’d try to take my mind off you. And I let her. By Christmas the worst of my anger had disappeared. But then I wanted answers. I needed to see you, so I could ask you why. I tried to come out here over break, but my parents wouldn’t let me touch my savings, and my father eventually took my car away when they realized how determined I was.
‘I couldn’t reach you. The McKinleys were as evasive as everyone else, and Sara didn’t even pick up my calls. I was so cruel to her after you left, basically taking it out on her, forcing her to avoid me completely – even while she and Jared were still dating. I wasn’t myself, and I was dragging everyone down with me in my misery.’
I paused to look over at her. Emma was clutching her knees tightly to her chest as her body trembled.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, wanting to comfort her. But I couldn’t bring myself to touch her … not yet.
‘Keep going,’ she murmured, her voice strained.
This was torturing her. Guilt was her poison, and I was pouring it down her throat. I continued with the honesty, hoping in the end she could let it all go.
‘Analise tried to rationalize with me, about how it was your choice and that I needed to respect it and leave you alone. But she didn’t know you – not like I did. It was hard for her to see me go through it. I think it was right around the beginning of the next year that we started dating. She was finishing her senior year, and I was … I wasn’t doing much of anything. If she wasn’t there to make me, there were days I wouldn’t get out of bed.
‘I can’t even imagine what that was like for her. I have no idea why she wanted anything to do with me.’
The thought of her comforting him, convincing him to let me go, made my chest want to cave in on itself. I squeezed my legs tighter to keep from falling apart.
‘She tried,’ he continued, as much as I wished he’d stop. ‘But she wasn’t you. And as long as you were out there somewhere … I couldn’t let you go until I got the answers I needed. At least that’s what I convinced myself. When she saw the transfer application to Stanford that broke her. She thought I was going after you. And on some level, I guess I was. She had every right to hate me. But then, inexplicably, she forgave me.
‘Something went wrong with the transfer. I should have suspected something, but I didn’t. She eventually confessed to withdrawing the transfer because she wanted to keep me from getting hurt again. I was furious. She’d become yet another person making decisions for me. So I stopped talking to her, and we never saw each other again … well, until she showed up at my house the day of Rachel’s funeral.’
‘She did?’ I asked in shock. ‘Why?’
‘She knew you were in Weslyn for the funeral. Maybe she wanted to be there for me, in case I … But … I wanted to be there for you.’
‘Did you … love her? Forget it. I don’t –’ I stopped, clenching my teeth together. ‘I don’t want to think of you with her.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said soothingly. ‘I know subconsciously that’s why I did it. To hurt you. And that’s so messed up. But she was a good friend, Em, as much as you didn’t like her.’
‘I know,’ I muttured.
‘So I’m not perfect in all of this. I’ve done some pretty awful things to people I cared about. I ruined a good friendship with Analise. I slept with Catherine, even though I never cared about, or even liked her. She was just another in a line of catastrophic choices. All because I was desperate to get over you. But they were my choices. Your choice was to leave. The rest were mine.’
My body shook as I bent over and cried into my arms.
I didn’t want to hurt her any more. There was only so much honesty a person could take, and she’d reached her limit. But I wasn’t done. I knew if I didn’t finish now, she wouldn’t understand, and I’d risk losing her for good.
‘The nightmares started last summer when I realized I wasn’t going to Stanford in the fall. I’d broken things off with Analise, and I was convinced you were never coming back. I wanted to move on, to try to live a life without you, but I wasn’t living. Emma –’ She lifted her tear-stained face. ‘I’m not supposed to live without you. And you’re not supposed to live without me. We’re in this life together. Without each other, we’re not really living.’
‘Why did I have to know?’ I asked in a broken voice. ‘Because it hurts to think of you with … them, to know what I did to you. It’s like you’re squeezing my heart with your bare hands. I know I deserve it. But why tell me?’
‘Because we need to always be honest, even when it’s hard. And you need to know that I’m not perfect either. I’ve screwed up, and I’m so sorry. But it’s done now. And whatever you’re holding on to that makes you think I’ll hate you, I want you to be able to tell me, and know that even if it hurts me, I’m not going anywhere.’
‘You can’t say that,’ I argued. ‘Evan, what if I did the most awful thing you could imagine? I don’t know if you could still love me.’
‘But I know you, Emma. I do know you. Your heart won’t let you do anything that could make me not love you. And I’ve seen your vicious side. I was there when you confronted Rachel. I’ve seen how ruthless you can be. It’s a side I don’t like, but you don’t either. So I’m not afraid that’s who truly you are. Because it’s not. It’s the hurt and pain lashing out, needing to make someone else feel the way you did all those years. It’s not good, Em. But it doesn’t define you.’
My heart was pounding erratically. He was offering a safe place for us to open up and tell each other what we knew would hurt, owning up to our faults with the expectation of letting go and moving on. An exchange of our most awful mistakes. But I was holding on to something far darker than he could imagine, and it would change the way he looked at me. I couldn’t do it. I knew if I did, I’d lose him forever, and then I’d be worse than nothing.
‘I’m not ready,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’
I could see her fighting with it, the decision to tell me whatever it was that still held her captive, keeping her from me. I knew in every muscle of my body that it had to do with Jonathan. Something did happen between them. But she had to be the one to tell me. And as long this secret still loomed between us, I wouldn’t be able to completely forgive her. I also knew I couldn’t breathe without her.
‘I’ll give you time. But we’re not going to be able to move on if you can’t tell me everything.’ Her eyes dipped sorrowfully. ‘Come here.’ I held my arms open, and she moved between my legs, leaning her back into me so I could wrap my arms around her. She laid her head on my arm, and I kissed the top of her head. ‘We’ll get through this. I believe in us.’
Emma wrapped her arms around mine and squeezed. ‘I want to believe.’
‘Look at me.’
She twisted around to face me. Her eyes were raw from crying, and her breath trembled with each inhale. I ran my finger along her damp cheeks. ‘I love you.’
I peered into his intense blue eyes. They bared all that was vulnerable and pure in him. The part that just wanted to protect me, to encourage me to be better, to make me happy. He revealed it so plainly, my chest swelled with a flittering warmth. If I knew anything, I knew he loved me.
‘And you love me.’ He stated it as the truth it was.
‘I do. Loving you is the only certainty in my life. I will never stop. But it was because of how much I love you that I ended up hurting you so badly. I only wanted you to be happy, and be rid of my destructive life. And you’re so beautiful and perfect – even with your flaws. I couldn’t destroy you too.’
Evan laid his hand on the side of my face. ‘Stop trying to protect me from your life. I knew exactly what I was getting into. I never doubted you loved me, not ever. All I want is for you to trust me, Emma. Please.’
‘Trust isn’t going to save me,’ I told him, pressing my forehead against his chest as he hugged me tight.
‘Let’s go back to the house,’ Evan said, nestling his chin into my hair.
I helped her off the sand and held her against my side as we walked back into the house. Disclosure was draining. Every part of me ached.
‘Will you stay with me tonight?’ she asked in a hush, leaning in to me. I could feel the energy seeping from her.
‘I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I did,’ I said, pulling the smallest smile from her exhausted face. I led her into the room, and she practically collapsed on the bed, kicking her shoes off with her toes. I slid the covers out from under her and after removing my shorts and shoes, slid in behind her, pulling her to me so I could feel her heart beating against my chest. ‘Emma?’
‘Hmm,’ she murmured, already half asleep.
‘When can I kiss you?’
I was too exhausted to move, but that one question released an unexpected surge, and I was suddenly very much awake. I rolled over to face him, and he grinned at me. ‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’ I smiled softly, running my hand into his hair. ‘You can kiss me now.’
My heart stammered as his lips pressed against mine. So familiar, but different at the same time. Our passion increased as he pulled my lip into his mouth and slid his tongue in mine.
Heat surged through me as her lips teased mine, her tongue caressing in a slow sensual pace. I gripped her tighter, having wanted, needed, to taste her for so long. My pulse raced as I leaned into her, sliding my hand along her back. She gasped as the pressure of our bodies intensified. I opened my mouth and teased the spot below her ear with my tongue. She released a small sound of pleasure that drove me crazy. My breathing picked up as I found her lips again, pressing against them with urgency.
I knew that we needed to stop, but the more she breathed in quick pants, the more my body responded, not wanting to pull away. She dug her fingers in my hair, and I was consumed by the softness of her lips, the touch of her tongue – her subtle floral scent intoxicating me. Emma wrapped her leg around me and tilted her head back to expose her throat, inviting me to take it. I trailed my mouth along it, tasting the salt on her skin.
She reached for my boxers, and that’s when I knew this wasn’t that moment. We were raw and hurt, and this wasn’t going to heal us. I gently moved her hands away and whispered in her ear, ‘I want you so bad, but we need to stop.’
I sank into the bed. ‘I know,’ I breathed, trying to recover. I was so caught up in the need for him, wanting him, that I couldn’t stop even when the resounding voice told me, Not yet.
I leaned over to see his face, to run my hand over his cheek and caress his lip with my thumb. I stared into the depths of his eyes, and my entire world steadied as I lay there in his arms – exactly where I belonged.