Chapter Twenty-Five
JESS
I held on to the tree in front of me while I dry heaved over and over again after my stomach was completely empty. My face was wet with tears and my throat burned. None of it mattered. Every time I’d replayed the lie I had told Jason, I threw up again. My plan to end things with him had gone much differently in my head. I had worked on what I would say to him for two days while I ignored his calls.
When the time had come to actually tell him something I knew would drive him away, I hadn’t realized how it would completely destroy me. It had been a last resort, but the determination in his voice had been more fierce than I’d expected. He hadn’t been going to go away easily. It had only made me love him more.
Then I had told him a lie that ripped my heart out. He hadn’t said another word. Not even good-bye. His silence had been enough. I knew then that he was done. I had guessed right. He wouldn’t forgive me for something like that.
Krit didn’t even know I had used him. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks. And once I moved, I wouldn’t be seeing him at all anymore.
When I went back inside, I didn’t tell Momma about my phone call. I just got in the shower and let the tears fall silently. This was my lot in life, and after tonight I wouldn’t feel sorry for myself again. There was no time for that. It got us nowhere, and I hadn’t been raised to be weak.
The rest of the week went by quickly. After dropping all my classes, I had quit my job and let our landlord know we would be out by the end of the month, which was Monday.
Momma had wanted me to tell Rock, but I wasn’t going to. Not yet. He had a family to take care of. This was our battle, no one else’s. I would tell Rock eventually, but not until we were moved and I was working. He would try to stop that. I wasn’t going to let him. It was the only way. Friday I took Momma to the doctor, then drove fifteen more minutes to the big city of Mobile. It was so different from Sea Breeze, but I felt like I was hidden from everyone. No one knew me. It was easier this way.
I headed to Delilah’s in the tightest dress I had and a pair of stiletto heels. This wasn’t like Jugs. The clientele was higher class and had more money to spend. Which meant they had high standards for their girls. I was starting at the top, but I realized that I might not make the cut, so I had a list of other clubs to go try out if this one didn’t work.
It was a twenty-four-hour establishment since many businessmen came here during their workday to relax, so I was instructed by the lady I spoke with on the phone to come to the back door and knock.
I did as I was told and the door opened up. A large man who was no doubt a bouncer looked me up and down and then stepped aside. “Dee’s expecting you,” he said without asking my name. I must have been the only afternoon appointment. That was a good sign.
“Thanks,” I replied.
“This way,” he said, and turned to walk down the hallway. I followed quickly behind him. Music from the club could be heard back here. The sexy beat to it made me nervous. I had never imagined that I would be doing this. Momma had always said she wanted better for me, so I had expected more too. Life had a funny way of proving you wrong.
“In here,” he said, opening another door and standing back to let me enter. “Dee will be with you in a moment. You can have a seat,” he told me before closing the door.
I looked around the room and realized it was a solid white room with one red leather straight-backed chair. No windows and nothing on the walls. I noticed a speaker in the ceiling. It all seemed like an odd holding room.
The door opened and a woman who was older than my mother but looked well preserved stepped inside. She was wearing a tight royal-blue dress that made my cleavage look pitiful. Her heels were covered in spikes. Her long red hair was pulled to the side, and she had startling green eyes. If this was what they expected, I was out of my league.
“You’re Jess?” she asked, looking at my body in a way no other woman ever had. She was literally studying me.
“Yes,” I replied, thankful I hadn’t stuttered.
“And you have ID to prove you’re twenty?” she asked, lifting her gaze to mine.
I nodded and started to open my purse.
“Not now. I just want to make sure you have it,” she said, holding out her hand. “I’m Delilah. Or better known around here as Dee.” She dropped her gaze back to my boobs. “You have the body. You’ll make a f*cking killing. The men here will eat you up. A face like an angel with that body is all their fantasies. But I need you to pass the test. Can’t get them all excited and then you suck at this,” she said with a smile.
She turned and opened the door. A tall, attractive older man walked inside. His hair was that distinguished gray, and although he was wearing a dress shirt, it was obvious his body was well built. Kind brown eyes met mine and I managed to return his smile.
“This is Garrison. He owns half the place. We were married once, but we’re better business partners. I find the women and he tests them. You’ve impressed me. Now you must impress him.”
Garrison walked over to the red chair and sat down. “It’s nice to meet you Jess,” he said in a deep, smooth voice.
I wanted to reply, but I was so unsure of what test she meant that I couldn’t find words. I looked back at Delilah. She waved a hand at Garrison. “The music will start up in a moment, and you have to give him a lap dance. Garrison won’t touch you, just like the guests aren’t allowed to touch you. Unless, of course, one asks for permission and pays you for it,” she finished with a wink.
I wouldn’t be letting anyone touch me. That wasn’t part of the job description. I also hadn’t been prepared for lap dances. That was up close and personal.
“Don’t be nervous. It’s just us. With that face and body, you’re not gonna have to do much to make them happy. Listen to the music and forget the man. Move to the music and enjoy the way it feels. Do it because dancing feels good, not because someone is watching you. It isn’t about them.”
But it was about them, and I would be doing it in their laps. I was going to hyperventilate.
“Breathe, sweetheart. Don’t panic on me. You can do this,” he said encouragingly.
“I hadn’t realized I had to do . . . I mean, dance so close,” I finally said.
“If you’ve changed your mind I’ll be disappointed, because I think you’ll become a favorite here, but I’ll let you leave. It’s okay if you think this isn’t for you.”
My momma needed me to. I had to make enough money to get us through this. Then I could quit. I could get another job. This wasn’t forever. No one was going to touch me. I just had to forget that they were looking at me naked. I couldn’t focus on that.
“I can do it,” I said, more for myself than for him.
He nodded. “Okay, then. Let’s start with stripping. I need to see what we have under that little bit of fabric you have covering you.”
Oh shit. He wanted me to strip for him and dance naked in his lap? My heart sped up again, and I twisted my hands nervously in front of me. There was no other way. This was the only job I could do and make this kind of money. My momma had done much worse for me.
I didn’t make eye contact with him. Instead I listened to the beat of the song, and I focused on moving my body in ways that I knew men liked. That was something I knew how to do. I unzipped the dress slowly, then let it fall forward just enough to tease at its falling off. He saw naked females all the time. I could do this. It was just my boobs.
I lifted my hands in the air and shimmied until the dress worked its way down my body and then fell around my ankles on the floor. I hadn’t been wearing a bra, and the tiny black panties I had on weren’t going anywhere. Garrison leaned back in his chair, and his eyes looked appreciatively over my body. I blocked that out.
I had only seen a lap dance on television once, so I wasn’t sure I knew exactly what to do. I figured I would dance over him without touching him.
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back as I moved between his legs and danced. I didn’t think about the fact that I was topless with a strange man in a room and I was trying to turn him on. I just did what felt good.
“Put your hands on the back of the chair and lean close without touching,” Garrison said in a hoarse whisper.
I opened my eyes and did as he said. My chest was close to his face, but I didn’t look at that. I continued to dance.
“Put your foot on my knee,” he said.
I paused. “That’s touching,” I replied.
“The bottom of your shoe on my knee isn’t actual touching,” he replied, grinning at me.
I did as I was told, and his nostrils flared as he took a deep breath. “Okay, that’s good,” he said tightly.
From the tense look on his face I was afraid I had done something wrong. “If I messed up, I can try again. It was my first time,” I started to explain, and he shook his head and let out a relieved chuckle.
“You’re hired, Jess. That was perfect. You’ll have this place so packed that we won’t have any damn seats left.”
Garrison stood up and walked swiftly across the room and jerked open the door. “You can get dressed. I’ll send Dee back in.” He hurried out, and I reached for my dress and slipped it back on. When I started to zip it, Dee opened the door.
She was smiling triumphantly. “I’m impressed. It’s been years since a girl affected Garrison on her tryout. Bravo. Let’s go to my office and get your paperwork and your work schedule filled out.”
I followed her out into the hall.
Loud moaning and banging filled the hallway as we walked down it. I glanced over at a door we passed, and I had no doubt in my mind someone was having sex. Did some of the girls do that, too? I wasn’t okay with that. I was a look-not-touch only. I needed to make sure they understood that.
“I told you that you got him worked up. Good thing Farrah was here to help him burn off some steam,” Dee said, opening a door for me to follow.
I glanced back at the room as a loud male groan echoed off the walls. “That’s Garrison?” I asked, making sure I had heard her right.
“Yes. You had him sweating and shaking when he walked out of that room. He grabbed the first girl he knew would f*ck him and dragged her into his office. No worries, though—he only f*cks the ones who want him. He won’t touch you.”
The sick knot I lived with these days was back. This was terrifying. My world was changing, and I realized my desire to feel safe was a childhood fantasy. This was my life.
JASON
Even if I never spoke to Jess again, I needed to get revenge. I wanted to hurt her as much as she’d hurt me. The more I thought about her pushing this off on me like I deserved it only made me angrier. It was like she had laid down a f*cking ultimatum that I had failed by saying I was taking Jo to that stupid cotillion. I didn’t like being controlled. My parents had been trying to control me my entire life. All I ever did was fight to be free. Jess had been one more person wanting control of me.
I had been so damn willing to give it to her too. In a way I had. I’d let her break me. Falling in love wasn’t something I had ever wanted. The only thing I had on my side was the fact that I had never told her I loved her. She didn’t know she’d hurt me as badly as she had. My pride was still somewhat intact. Not that it did me much good.
After planning on taking Jo back to my place for sex once the cotillion was over, I had failed miserably when the time actually came. I couldn’t stand to touch her. Kissing her had been bad. It lacked more than I could possibly label. She had felt wrong in my arms. She hadn’t fit right. Her curves didn’t send my heart into a wild frenzy, and the idea of getting her underneath me did nothing for me.
I had taken her home and gone back to my apartment to drink myself to sleep. Jo called the next day and the next. By kissing her, I had led her to believe I was attracted to her. How the hell she thought that after the kiss we shared, I wasn’t sure. Had she not been there for that kiss? It had been bland and boring. I focused on ignoring her at school and sending her calls to voice mail, but she wasn’t giving up that easily.
Two weeks later Winston was standing outside the door to my apartment when I got home from class. Winston was one of Jax’s bodyguards and had been with Jax since the beginning of his fame. I didn’t even look at him when I went to the door. “Good afternoon, Mr. Jason,” Winston said politely. It wasn’t his fault my brother was in there, nor was it his fault my brother paid for the apartment. I nodded. “Hello, Winston,” I replied, and stepped inside.
Jax was standing at the tall windows overlooking the small city with a soda in his hand. He turned to look at me and smirked. “You aren’t answering my calls. What did you expect?” he said.
I threw my books on the table. “I don’t know, maybe some f*cking privacy,” I replied, annoyed.
Jax let out a low whistle. “Your language has taken a downward spiral.”
My brother’s witty comments were only making me more pissed off that he was here without asking.
“I’m not in the mood to talk. To anyone,” I snapped.
Jax nodded and walked over to sit on the bar stool closest to him. “Is it Mother? I heard her basically planning your wedding to Jo.”
“She can forget that shit. Jo needs to sniff elsewhere.”
“You took her to the cotillion,” Jax said as he studied me for a reaction. I knew what he was doing. He had always tried to figure me out by reading my facial expressions. Most of the time he was accurate.
“Meant nothing. I did what I said I’d do, and now I’m done.”
“You end it with Jess?” he asked, and I felt my entire body tense up at the sound of her name. I hadn’t said it or heard it in three weeks. And I wasn’t ready to hear it now.
“Don’t,” I said, walking away from him and across the room in case I started throwing things. She was already alive in my dreams at night. Haunting me. Driving me crazy. I didn’t want to acknowledge her existence while I was awake.
“Don’t what? Ask you about Jess?”
I fisted my hands at my sides and glared at the wall in front of me. He was trying to push my buttons. No reason to react. If he thought he’d gotten to me, he would chant her name until I lost it.
“That’s over,” I snarled.
“She end it?”
He wasn’t going to let up.
“For once in your goddamn life, don’t push me. Let this go.”
He didn’t reply, and I stood there prepared for him to say more. When he didn’t, I forced my hands to open and relax. This reaction was ridiculous. I had to get control of this.
I heard Jax stand up and I turned to look at him. He put his glass on the counter, then met my glare and nodded. “I’ll leave you to your brooding since it seems to be your thing. I got the answer I came for.”
I didn’t reply as he walked across the room and opened the door. He was really just going to leave. I started to say bye, but after that encounter it seemed empty.
Jax stopped and looked back at me. “You’ve never been hungry. The decisions you’ve had to make in your life haven’t meant life or death. And you’ve never had to give up something because you had no other choice. Being my brother hasn’t been easy. I get that. Having our mother obsess over your future sucks. But you haven’t known real fear. It’s been easy for you just like it has for me. When someone loves us enough, they’ll lie to protect us. Don’t forget that,” he said before closing the door.
I stood there and let his words replay in my head. Did he think I didn’t realize I had been given an easy ride in life? Was that his attempt at brotherly wisdom? I didn’t need him telling me my problems were nothing compared to the rest of the world’s. And why the hell was he talking about lying to protect someone you love? Who was lying? Him? Mother? Me? I shook my head and jerked the fridge door open, then closed it again.
I was restless. Jax’s words were going to eat at me. He had meant something by them. Jax didn’t just say shit like that for no reason. I picked up my phone and started to call Sadie. She was the only person in his head. She’d know what he was talking about. But then she’d tell him I’d called.
I scrolled through the names in my phone and my finger hovered over Amanda’s name. She’d know about Jess.
No!
I wasn’t going to ask about Jess. Hearing about her relationship with Krit was more than I could handle. My heart wasn’t anywhere near being ready for that yet. I tossed my phone down and headed for the shower.