“I can’t say how sorr—”
“The only reason I’m not stomping the living shit out of you right now is because you’re carrying a baby—my ex-husband’s baby. But the more I stand here looking at how pathetic you are, I’m tempted to disregard that fact because you’re not really sorry, Amanda. You’re only sorry because you got caught. And you’re right, I will never forgive you.”
I swallowed one more Tylenol pill and washed it down. I looked at my watch and realized it was noon.
I can’t waste my whole weekend thinking about this... I need to do something...
I walked over to the pantry and saw that there was nothing inside but a box of cereal and a jar of unopened peanut butter.
Problem solved...
I stood in front of the meat freezer at Whole Foods, debating whether I should buy two or three packages of chicken. Since Ashley had recently given up her “vegan-status,” she and Caroline were on some type of “all-protein” fix and they’d been eating meat like crazy.
For the past few nights, I’d witnessed them scarf down grilled ham sandwiches, burritos, and turkey burgers like their lives depended on it.
I decided to go with three and headed for the register.
As usual, there were only two cashiers working, and since it was Saturday—the day everyone else did their shopping, I prepared myself for a long wait in line.
I picked up a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine and skimmed through the pages, trying not to laugh at the ridiculous article titles: “The Number One Thing He Craves in Bed Tonight...” “How to Break the Three Date Rule,” and “Two Hundred Sex Tricks That Will Make Him Love You.”
I turned to another page and saw an article entitled, “For ANY Relationship: How to Keep Things Spicy.” I read the first paragraph and rolled my eyes, but I kept reading:
“The key to any relationship—whether you’re young or a little more mature in age—is not communication! (Well, that IS important but we’ll get to that later.) The key is variety—within your date nights, within your displays of affection, and within your bedroom.
“Since this is Cosmo, we’re going to focus on key number three! Your bedroom!
“Sex should never be the same thing day in and day out. It should be spontaneous, passionate, and so amazingly good that you and your guy think about it for days after. (If you’re not already having sex again that is...)
“Our senior editors decided to take the plunge for you, interviewing over a thousand men for this feature. They asked each of them what they liked most about the women they’ve dated, what turns them on, and most importantly how important variety is to a relationship.
“Feel free to read exclusive interviews on the next page, but for now, we’re going to give you a list of tips to automatically boost your sex life and add some much needed variety!
“1. Sexting! Sexting is a—”
I couldn’t read anymore. I reached for something safer—Oprah’s O magazine, and searched for her most recent book club picks.
I moved up two spaces in line and cursed under my breath. There was an elderly couple arguing with the cashier about a stack of coupons.
“Excuse me?” A blonde tapped my shoulder.
“Yes?”
“Could you pass me a copy of Cosmo please?”
“Sure.” I picked one up and handed it to her.
“You know, a lot of it is crazy but some of this stuff actually works on my husband.” She laughed and walked away.
She’s got to be kidding me...
I pulled Cosmo off the rack again and read the rest of the article:
“1. Sexting! Sexting is a great way to spice up any relationship! Now, if you’ve never done it before, you may want to start off with a regular text conversation to make sure that he’s near his phone and it won’t be seen by anyone else.
“Once you’ve committed to sexting, you should simply text your guy something simple, something like “I’m sooo horny” and then say something short and naughty right after. For example: “I’m sooo horny. I wish you could see what I have on right now.”
“Once your guy sees the text, he’ll definitely text you something naughty back. Don’t let it die down after this! Continue engaging him in sexy banter all day.
“The next time you two are together, he’ll be reminded of your messages and want to live out everything the both of you ‘sexted’ about.
“Trust us, nearly every guy we interviewed said engaging in sexting was one of the best things that—”
“These are supposed to be double coupons!” “We are not paying an extra dollar!” “Where is the manager?” The elderly couple ahead interrupted my reading.
I sighed. I figured I might as well try to have some fun while I waited in line.
I pulled my phone out and sent Jonathan a text: “I’m sooo horny. I can’t wait to ride your dick again...”