“I pursued you when you were my student. I was terrible to my family and to Paulina,” he countered.
Julia looked over into darkened, tortured eyes.
“That’s in the past. We don’t need to speak of it.”
“Of course we need to speak of it.” He placed his head in his hands, gripping his hair. “Don’t you understand? I’m still being selfish. I could hurt you.”
“How?”
“What if Paulina’s miscarriage was my fault?”
Julia’s stomach lurched.
“Gabriel, we talked about this. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”
“It was my fault I was out on a bender all weekend. If I’d been home to care for her, I could have taken her to the hospital.”
“Please don’t go down that road again. You know where it leads.”
He kept his eyes on the floor. “It leads to the conversation we had in the orchard.”
“The orchard?”
“I’ve been talking to you about having a baby. But I never stopped to think about it in light of what happened with Paulina.”
“Gabriel, please. I—”
He interrupted her. “What if her miscarriage was the result of a genetic abnormality? Something I contributed?”
Julia was stunned into silence.
“I told you I wanted a child. But I never stopped to think about the risks.”
“Miscarriages are common, Gabriel. It’s tragic, but it’s true. Have mercy on yourself. There’s a reason why you had that dream about Maia. Accept the peace she offered you and let it go.”
“What if the same thing happens to us?” His voice broke on the last word. “Look at what your father and Diane are going through.”
“It would be devastating. But this is the world we live in. There’s illness and death. We can’t pretend we’re immune.”
“We can avoid unacceptable risks.”
Julia’s eyes grew sad. “So now you don’t want a baby with me?”
He lifted his head to see tears in her eyes.
“All this talk of Paulina.” Julia swallowed hard. “I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I envy her. You shared a life-changing experience with her that we might not be able to have.”
“I thought you’d be relieved.”
“Nothing in what you’ve said brings relief.” She searched his eyes. “And you certainly don’t look happy.”
“That’s because I want what I can’t have. I can’t go through what I went through with Paulina again. I can’t and I won’t. I won’t let that happen to you.”
“No children,” she whispered.
“We’ll adopt.”
“So that’s it.”
He nodded.
Julia closed her eyes, letting the implication of his words wash over her. She thought of their future, of the images she’d daydreamed about. She thought about telling Gabriel that she was pregnant, about carrying his child inside her body, about holding his hand while she gave birth to a son . . .
All the images vanished as if in a puff of smoke. Julia felt the loss immediately. She hadn’t realized how much she wanted to have those experiences and to share them with him. Now that he was telling her she couldn’t, she felt pain.
“No.”
“No?” His eyebrows lifted.
“You want to protect me, and that’s admirable. But let’s be clear, there’s something else.”
“I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“It goes deeper than that, doesn’t it? It’s wrapped up in what happened between your father and your mother.”
Gabriel stood up, dropping his shorts to the floor. He turned away, standing naked before her.
She cleared her throat. “Sweetheart, I know that you have scars. You can’t even look at the things in your desk drawer.”
“This isn’t about that. This is about choosing the risks I’m willing to take. Your father could lose Diane and the baby. I’m not prepared to take that risk.”
“Life is risk. I could get cancer. Or get hit by a car. You could wrap me in bubble wrap and keep me indoors and I could still get sick. I know that I could lose you too. And as much as I don’t want to say it, someday you’re going to die.” Her voice broke on the last word. “But I choose to love you now and I choose to build a life with you knowing I could lose you. I’m asking you to make that same choice. I’m asking you to take the risk, with me.”
She moved to him and took his hand in hers.
He looked down at their entwined fingers. “We don’t know what the risks might be. I have no idea what’s in my medical history.”
“We can be tested.”
He squeezed her hand before releasing it.
“That isn’t enough.”
“Some of your relatives are still alive. You could try to speak with them, find out about the medical history of your parents and grandparents.”