“That wasn’t my intent.”
“But you did it just the same.” She wiped her eyes with her hands, shifting her body away from him. “You get to go home to your young, pretty girlfriend knowing that she could give you a child, if that’s what you want. Vasectomies are easily reversed, but what happened to me can never be undone.”
Gabriel hung his head.
“I’m sorry. For everything.”
Reluctantly, he stood to his feet. He moved to walk past her, but she caught his hand.
“Wait.”
Gabriel looked down at her, his eyes wary.
“I met someone. He’s a professor. He helped me get a job teaching English literature while I finish my PhD by extension.”
“I’m glad.”
“I don’t need your money. I won’t be withdrawing from the trust fund again.
“Keith is a widower with two little girls. One is seven and the other is five. Can you imagine? They call me Auntie Paulina. I get to dress them and do their hair and have tea parties with their dolls. I met someone who loves me. And his girls need me. So even though I can’t have a child, I’m still going to be a mother. Or at the very least, an auntie. I forgive you, Gabriel. But I won’t have this conversation again. I made my peace with the past, as much as I can.”
“Agreed.”
She gave him a genuine smile, and he brushed his lips against the top of her head.
“Good-bye, Paulina. Be happy.”
He released her hand and walked away.
Chapter Forty
August 2011
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Going for a run?” Julia glanced up from the breakfast table to see Gabriel clad in his jogging clothes and shoes. He was wearing a crimson Harvard T-shirt and black shorts that hung loosely from his hips.
“That’s right.” He crossed the room in order to kiss her.
“So—are we going to talk soon?”
Gabriel turned away and began disentangling the earphones that connected with his iPhone. “About what?”
“About what’s bothering you?”
“Not right now, no.” He removed his sunglasses from their case and quickly cleaned them with the fabric of his shirt.
Julia bit her tongue, for her patience was almost at an end.
“Have you made an appointment to see your doctor?”
“Here we go,” he muttered, placing his palms flat on the kitchen island and leaning into them, head bent and eyes closed.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
He didn’t move.
“No, I haven’t called the doctor.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t need to see him.”
She uncrossed her arms. “But what about the vasectomy reversal? You’ll need to speak with him about that.”
“No, I won’t.” He straightened, nonchalantly picking up his sunglasses and placing them on his face.
“Why not?”
“I’m not having my vasectomy reversed. I’d like us to pursue adoption. I know we can’t adopt Maria, but I’d like us to look into adopting a child when you graduate.”
“You’ve decided,” she breathed.
A muscle jumped in his jaw.
“I’m protecting you.”
“But what about all our conversations? What about what we talked about in the orchard?”
“I was wrong.”
“You were wrong?” She scrambled to her feet. “Gabriel, what the hell is going on?”
“Can we please not do this right now?” He began walking toward the door.
“Gabriel, I—”
“When I get back,” he interrupted. “Give me thirty minutes.”
She bit back an angry response.
“Just tell me one thing.”
He paused, looking at her through his sunglasses.
“What’s that?”
“Do you still love me?”
His expression grew pained. “I’ve never loved you more.”
And with that, he opened the door and fled into the warm morning air.
“How was your run?” Julia greeted a hot and sweaty Gabriel as he entered the kitchen.
“Good. I’m just going to take a shower.”
“Care for some company?”
He gave her a half-smile. “After you.”
Julia preceded him up the stairs and they entered the master bedroom together.
He sat on a chair, pulling off his shoes and socks and peeling away his shirt.
“Did running clear your head?” She studied him intently. The sheen of perspiration was visible on his tanned skin, his muscles rippling with every movement.
“Somewhat.”
“Tell me what’s troubling you.”
He sighed loudly, squeezing his eyes shut. Then he nodded and she sat on the edge of the bed, waiting.
He placed his forearms on his knees, leaning forward. “My whole life I’ve been self-centered. I don’t know how anyone could stand to be near me.”
“Gabriel,” she reproached him. “You’re eminently lovable. That’s why women fall at your feet.”
“I don’t care about that. It’s all based on appearances. They wouldn’t care if I was selfish so long as I gave them a good f**k.”
Julia grimaced.
“I know you. I know all of you and I don’t think you’re selfish.”