“You’re saying don’t give up hope.”
The older woman patted her shoulder. “I’m saying don’t beat yourself up about this. I want you to try to relax. You’ll stay here tonight and we’ll do another ultrasound in the morning. I expect everything will be fine and you’ll go home. There’s no reason for us to believe you’ll have any other problems, but we’ll take precautions, just to be sure.”
Pia nodded.
“I’m going to have the kitchen send up some dinner. I want you to eat. Do you promise?”
“Yes.”
“I’m staying,” Raoul said firmly. “I’ll make sure she eats.”
“I suspect you will,” the doctor said cheerfully. “All right, Pia. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Dr. Galloway’s mouth straightened. “No blaming yourself for this, hear me?”
“I’ll try.”
When the doctor left, Raoul moved to her side again.
“We’ll get through this,” he promised.
“I know.”
Having him here helped, she thought, relaxing back against the pillows. He was someone she could depend on, and right now that seemed like the best thing of all.
PIA STRETCHED OUT ON the sofa and tried to get comfortable. It wasn’t that she was hurting, she just felt weird inside. Unsettled. Afraid. Unworthy. Not exactly emotions designed to make her day restful.
She’d come home from the hospital that morning. It had taken a while to convince Raoul that it was perfectly safe to leave her for a few hours. Actually, it hadn’t been her words that had done the trick—instead it had been the steady stream of visitors, showing up with flowers, cards, food and baby gifts for the remaining twins. When he’d figured out she was unlikely to be alone for more than a few minutes at a time, he’d agreed to head out to check in at his office.
Now she breathed a sigh of relief at the silence and hoped it would be hours until she next heard a knock on the door. It was a whole lot easier to feel sorry for herself and guilty when she was alone.
The second ultrasound had shown the two remaining babies were doing very well. They seemed unaffected by what had happened to their sibling. One of her visitors— Nina, the nurse from the hospital—had brought over a chicken casserole and had explained about vanishing twins. That it wasn’t uncommon to lose one baby during gestation.
Pia appreciated the attempts to make her feel better, but right now she felt mired in guilt and depression. It was possible that in time she would feel better, but she couldn’t imagine that ever happening.
There was a knock on her front door.
“Come in,” she called, hoping she sounded at least slightly enthusiastic.
Denise Hendrix pushed open the door and walked into Pia’s living room.
“Hi,” she said, smiling gently. “How are you feeling?”
Pia shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Sad.”
“Sure you are. You’re going to be for a while.” Denise held up the grocery bag she had. “Ice cream. Nearly every Ben & Jerry’s flavor. Think of it as your dairy. I’ll go put it in the freezer.”
She returned in a few minutes. Instead of sitting in the chair opposite the sofa where Pia lay, Denise sat on the coffee table and leaned close.
“You look miserable,” she said flatly. “Like you lost your best friend.”
“Or killed her baby,” Pia murmured, then shook her head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say it out loud.”
“You didn’t kill Crystal’s baby.”
“It feels like it. They weren’t real to me, Denise. I was going through the motions.”
“So? Why isn’t that enough? You’re growing children inside of you, not providing a spiritual education. Right now your only job is to take care of yourself and them to the best of your ability.” She sighed. “I raised six kids. Do you think I was fully present every second of every day? Do you think I liked it when the boys were fighting and the girls had colic? That I didn’t wish myself away to some tropical island with nothing more than a quiet room to sleep in and a good book to read?”
Pia blinked at her. “But you’re a great mom.”
“Thank you. I loved my kids and tried my best, but I wasn’t perfect. No one is. And if the babies you had implanted aren’t real to you, so what? You’ll get there. It’s not as if you’ve violated the universal pregnancy time line. This is a huge change in your life, Pia. You’ve given up so many things to honor your friend’s request. I liked Crystal a lot, but I have to tell you, there’s a part of me that thinks she had no right to do this to you.”
Pia felt her eyes widen. “What are you talking about?”
“You don’t just leave someone embryos without talking to them first. It’s wrong. She should have talked to you, made sure this was what you wanted, too. She was asking a hell of a lot, and she didn’t give you the chance to say no.”