“Apparently, in private he’s really working his emotions out,” I add sarcastically. I finally forget about my coffee and ponder Giovanni’s latest behavior. “He’s angrier, that’s for sure, but he’s not kicking up a fuss when he’s shown up. He’s just given up on trying to claim that top spot. He does make a lot of backhanded comments, though, which has me worried.” My mind begins to wander and as I sit back in my seat, I voice aloud a thought that has pondered on my mind multiple times. “Unless he’s planning something and this is just the beginning.”
“I don’t think so. He seems to just be having a temper tantrum.” Enzo’s confidence is a shocking bolt of optimism and I watch him as he remains by his comment. Usually, Enzo is good at spotting key warning signs that Giovanni is going to slip on his most psychotic side, but apparently not today. “So,” Enzo begins and I sense a massive, unwanted subject change coming, “how you feeling after last night?”
I knew it! I think wryly to myself but decide to enlighten him, so I shrug. “I have a killer headache, my brother is creating a stampede, and I’m no closer to finding a way to forgive myself than I was.” My eyebrows furrow as I watch that pity consume Enzo’s bright green eyes. They’re luminous with all the wrong emotions I like to see Enzo owe. He’s never meant to carry around the weight of my issues so prevalently. “Don’t give me that look, Enz. I’m not a quick fix.”
“I never thought you would be,” he counters, taking a leisurely sip of his drink. “However, I do think Zane is a big help.”
“He is,” I reply, smiling coyly I look away. “He really is. I know we’re a long way from perfection, but him hearing everything last night made it feel like we’re one step closer.”
“Ah, so you are a quick fix,” Enzo teases, wagging his eyebrows at me playfully. His smile replaces that look of pity he had allowed to manifest and now he’s just looking at me as if I’m not some lost cause. “You needed to accept that Zane is a help not a hindrance.”
“He’s not budging and I’m tired of denying myself everything,” I admit tenderly and reach back out.
“I have so much chaos going on inside me; I don’t want my heart to confuse anything else. Not when I’m sure of what I feel. I am done telling myself that I don’t love him. I am so done telling myself that him being here is wrong. I know his reasoning for being here, I know his reasoning for sticking by here and all the time he loves and believes in me, I can’t give up.”
I watch my brother’s face brighten, and for the first time since I came back from Italy, I properly see hope restored. In seeing that, I feel a little hope flutter to life in myself. Maybe I needed to break down to see what was really around me? I needed to lose my facade and see reality because living in the shadows and denying myself the right to feel what I wanted only blackened my view of the world. I was more dangerous refuting what I really wanted than I ever would be if I fought against every negative thing I disagreed with.
I thought coming back angry and cold would solve every problem in my life, but it doesn’t. It never would and it never will.
“So, now I have you back on the right tracks,” Enzo interjects my thoughts. “Maybe, you just need to go back to your roots. The one that Madre set,” he trails off, carefully watching me. “What do you think? Mind if your big brother kidnaps you?”
I try to figure him out. Usually I can read Enzo and Carlo alike, but I fear I’m losing my touch.
“See if you can shut that brother of yours up,” our father interrupts, walking into the room with a fearsome stomp in his step. “His mood swings are really starting to fucking tick me off.”
“Actually, Enzo is taking me out,” I begin to tell him, not willing to deal with the beast upstairs.
“Well, good, we can all ignore him then,” my father dryly remarks about Giovanni. “Zane is coming with me today.”
“I am?” Zane asks walking into the room. “I was hoping for an easy day. I was going to treat Amelia to a day out.”
My father waves off his idea with a swift hand gesture. “There’s time for that later. I have our ride outside; we’ll grab a coffee while we’re out. Bye, bambina, Enzo.”