Once I’m alone, the quietness taunts me. Now, abandoned and isolated, every fleeting emotion I tried to ignore comes back with a furious vengeance. The one that wins above them all is guilt. It reigns on, destroying every fiber of me, rendering me weaker than I already feel. I tore apart another woman’s happiness just to get a glimpse of mine. I have never been shown the true effects of my actions until then. Of course, my mind had wondered if families were out there somewhere looking for those who have been killed due to the name of the Dio Lavoro. But never had I dwelled. Pippa was all my hits incarnate. She represented more than Marius’ death. She was the biggest person to tear me down because she was living proof that I’m a destroyer. I destroy lives, loves, families, and futures. My destruction knows no end because of who I’ve become.
I slip from my bed and pull my knees up to my chest. The ice melts from around me, thawing out my entire being, and I’m left with the mess I kept so well hidden. I’m not brutal or heartless. I’m damaged and doing anything to not meet my own death sentence. Yet in doing so, I’m only slowly killing myself. I ruin people’s lives merely to see a new day – how long can I live with that destructiveness guiding me?
Burying my head in my hands, I cry unashamedly. Now, after months, I don’t care who sees, who will hear me, or who will find me. Cathartically, I shed every ounce of shame, grief, and horror I’ve lived with along with the woefulness that’s become a vast friend of mine. My legs pull closer to my chest and I try my fucking hardest to make myself as small as possible. I release my head, only to wrap my arms around my legs and bury my head into the concave my legs have formed.
I hear feet pad across the wooden flooring of my room, traveling closer, the speed fastening until arms wrap around me and I find myself in the solace Enzo always offers me. I didn’t think it was plausible to cry harder than I am, but I dissolve furthermore. I collapse against his chest, my hands gripping his top, as my cries turn into howls and I just let everything flow free.
He holds me, his hand rubbing soothing circles onto my back, as he remains silent and just listens to my every cry. Unquestioningly, he becomes everything I need and without me so much as trying to verbalize what it is I actually want. My big brother is so much more than the heir to the Abbiati name. He’s the warrior, the protector, the lover, the one who morphs to become whatever we need him to be. He’s the true father of this dysfunctional family and I cannot thank whatever God is looking down on me for allowing me such a man to call my brother. I would’ve sunk into the deepest pit of hell without him to keep me steady and strong.
“Talk to me,” Enzo speaks, but only when my cries begin to soften. He pulls himself away from me, keeping me close enough to look, but far enough to get an explanation from me. “What’s brought this on?”
"I'm a monster, Enzo, and the only reason I can see why is because I had my heart broken." And that’s the truth of the matter. Everything that has happened until this point is a doctrine of effects because I was allowed to follow my heart and I wore it so proudly on my sleeve for Zane until he took off and left me shattered and impressionable.
"Twice by the same guy," he states, trying to make it sound like I'm an automatic exception that should be pardoned.
"I'm not the only person to go through that. But I lost so much in one day, and before I knew it, I was too far gone. I know I'm not worth a savior anymore. I know I don't deserve one and I don't deserve some form of redemption. I'm a killer and there are only two scenarios for people like me," I say and look up at my brother with watery eyes and trembling lip. "Prison or death."
“No,” he whispers aghast. “Lia, you cannot let whatever our father has presented you with to define what you become forever. We have all done things we are not happy with, things that will haunt us for life, but you cannot allow that to decide where you end up in life.”
“Why not?” I ask back, my voice a pained rasped. “I destroy people’s lives, and for what? To get some small glimpse of satisfaction from a man I call Papà?” I look at him, my incredulity mounting. “Do you know how disappointed Madre would be if she were to be here now? She’d hate us all for allowing Papà to rule us like he does. He ruined us, Enzo. He ruined me.”
“You aren’t ruined,” he admonishes, not allowing my statement to burrow itself into him. “We aren’t ruined, Amelia. I won’t allow it. Do you hear me? I stayed in this family to make sure there was some sort of future. I didn’t want it to take this long, but it has. The girl who first fell in love with Maverick might be gone, but she’s replaced by a stronger being.” I start to shake my head, which forces his grip to tighten onto me. “Yes, you are. I know there are some unspeakable things you’ve done, things that you seem hell-bent on believing have warped you, but if that were true, you wouldn’t fight back anymore. You would let Papà have his way and you wouldn’t think twice about other people who stand in your way if you were giving up. You wouldn’t be remorseful, you wouldn’t see yourself as a sinner, and you certainly wouldn’t be sitting here professing you’re a monster.”