His triad is intense, so full of depth and belief in me, but my own sorrow is getting the better of me. His hand slips down my arms until they’re holding my hands and I know – much like Zane – Enzo won’t let me continue to slander myself.
“You wouldn’t feel anything you’ve had to do and you certainly wouldn’t be the girl crying by the side of her bed. You’d be pleased with yourself for the trail of ruins you leave behind. Like Giovanni is. He’s a monster. He’s corrupt through to the soul, but you, Lia, you are never going to be like him.”
"I," I begin to say but I freeze. The memories course through me like an infection, rendering me weaker and weaker. But as Enzo's hand tightens around mine, I feel some strength gravitate back toward me. "I had to kill a man and let him die in my arms. I wasn't allowed to remove the knife after I had stabbed him. Alberto kept yelling at me to drag the knife downwards, but when I started to, the man begged me to stop. That was my point of no return. It didn’t matter how many men I killed here, being there with Alberto destroyed all my hope.”
I look up and Enzo reaches to wipe my tears away. He doesn’t speak again, waiting for me to continue.
“I had all these grand plans when I came home. So many ways to make it through this life, but they all came crashing down the moment I was back here. I was going to be ruthless; I was going to make him hate what he had made of his daughter. I wanted Papà to see that I was a monster, but the moment I saw you, and then Zane, I lost it. My resolve disappeared, and I felt myself revert back to the girl you fight for. The one I want to be more like. I live with this facade, hoping and praying that it’ll make it all easier for me, but the guilt and the shame never lessens.”
“And tonight proved how it’ll never lessen, I suppose?” he asks, guessing completely what is going on in my head.
I nod my head, my lip beginning to quivering. “Every day it feels like it’s getting harder to breathe. I don’t know when the last time I drew an easy breath was and it’s scaring me to think I ever will again. Enzo, I don’t want to live like this when it’s going to be the death of me.”
I watch Enzo close his eyes as if my words have mortally impacted him.
They always say the truth will set you free, but mine just seems to scar those around me, all the while killing me. If being truthful has this effect, why would I ever confide in anyone again?
“Sometimes I wonder why we fight,” I whisper, my words almost a whimper upon themselves.
“All things worth having are worth fighting for,” Enzo preaches without a second thought, but I see even he cannot wholly believe that.
“What if you’re all out of fight?” I ask, showing that he isn’t alone.
Suddenly, my brother takes on a whole different life. The solemn, mournful look of remembrance disperses and his blue eyes liven up. It’s almost as if restored hope has entered his system and he’s now no longer dwelling on things he let go in the past.
“You’ve been broken from the scars you forgave, Lia. It’s time to stop running.”
“If you feel like you’re all out of fight, let us do it for you.” He gives a small smile, one that radiates with comfort and sincerity. “Let me do it for you, because I have all the fight in the world to give to see us out of this hell hole. Seeing you like this has me wanting to fight more. Let me fight for you.”
“You already do,” I counter, trying in vain that he might give up the crusade to protect me now.
“Not enough,” he rebukes me, shaking his head violently as he disregards me. “Let those who love you fight in your corner until you can do it again. Don’t try and silence what it is you feel because you think it’ll be better to do so. Don’t become something Papà expects, because my little sister is anything but what Salvatore Abbiati wants her to be. Until you find her again and can find that feisty attitude again, I’ll be here beating off anyone that dare touch you.”
“But where does that leave Zane?” I ask, immediately my heart throbs at the thought of how he slots into this shitty equation we call life.
“You tell me,” Enzo responds, turning the question back to me.
I shrug, not sure where to begin with answering him. I spend a few seconds mulling over it. We’re some twisted Romeo and Juliet story, but modernized and destined for more than a short-lived love affair. He’s the beginning of my end. The man who makes me feel absolutely everything. He’s the reason why my conscious sings, why my hope thrives, and he is the very reason I have to relinquish my hold on my sanity.