When the Heart Lies

Chapter 24





Nick came home after nine. He was happy, the kind of happy he was when he’d had a few too many. No surprise. After about nine weeks, he’d gone back to drinking with no restraint. The way he always had. He was making the extra effort to be attentive, but even she knew it was work for both of them. It was a lot of effort just to be in love.

“Mmm…smells good in here. You smell even better.” Reaching around her waist, he pulled her into him, pressing her against the counter.

He was hard against her ass and slipped his hand around to caress her breast. Her body tensed. Not wanting him to sense her shudder of distaste, she moved to clear some dishes from the table.

His hand slid over his hair with a sigh that unmistakably spelled out his disappointment. “Where’s Max?”

“It’s nine-thirty. He’s in bed. Sorry. Do you want me to heat up dinner for you?” What made her think she could go on this way? Now, not only did she suffer, but everyone did. This wasn’t what she’d wanted.

“Nah, I ate at the office. Time got away from me. Sorry I didn’t call. I’m going up to give Max a kiss and take a quick shower. Why don’t you open a bottle of wine? I’ll be right down.” He pecked her cheek and headed upstairs.

She glanced at his phone and keys that laid on the counter. Late night at the office and a quick shower. Do I want to do this to myself? Do I even care at this point? Curiosity prompted her to pick up his phone and scroll through his text messages.

There was no name just a number. The text read, “Meet me, I miss you.”

She called the number.

Mia answered. “Are you missing me already?”

She didn’t say anything. She should’ve recognized Mia’s number, but then again, when was the last time she dialed a phone number and didn’t just click a name? Nick was smart enough not to have Mia’s name connected to the number. Too bad he never remembered to delete his messages.

Mia’s voice came through the phone again. “Nick?”

Kinsley cut the call, deleted the history, and returned Nick’s phone to the exact location where he’d left it.

There was no sense putting off talking about what she’d been holding on to for so long. Now was time to face facts: if Max hadn’t come along, she and Nick would’ve been finished a long time ago. She picked up her cell phone, put it down, and picked it up again. Taking a deep breath, she dialed. She was finally going to do this. Her fingers drummed on the countertop as she fought the urge to disconnect. Finally, an answer. She spoke up right away. “Hi. No, nothing’s wrong. I just need to talk to you. Max has a field trip tomorrow, so it’d be a good day. Any time after Nick leaves for work would be good. Okay, great, I’ll talk to you then.”

She went upstairs and was in bed reading when Nick got out of the shower. He came and sat next to her. “I thought we were going to have a drink? What are you doing in bed already? It’s still early.”

She should be angry or hurt, but she was immune to what seemed like an eternity of being told she was loved when she wasn’t. Though she wanted to, she couldn’t blame him. He knew nothing of love. How could he give it? Before Jackson, she thought she was lucky to have Nick. Lucky to have any love he was able to show her, but after being together a while, even the little love he showed was hard to believe real.

“I’m not up for a drink. I had a busy day. I’m tired. You must be tired, too. It appears you’ve had an active day.” She returned her focus to her book, scanning the page and turning without reading.

He scooted closer to her and brushed her hair back, kissing her neck. She was numb to it.

“What tired you out so much you don’t want to spend a little down time with me?” he said.

She beheld him in a sad way and felt moved to lay her hand against the side of his cheek, realizing their life together had been over long before she went to Wayde. The only sentiment she had left for him was pity. She took her hand from his face. She was no longer sad, but relieved to face the truth. They were over, and everyone would know everything soon. Clean slate. “I had a lot of writing to get done.”

He stared at her. Apparently, waiting to hear what had tired her out.

“I had a doctor’s appointment, errands, laundry, groceries, and Max. Would you like me to continue?” She was snippy.

He raised his hands in retreat. “Okay, Okay. I’m sorry. I know you do a lot. Was something wrong? You said you went to the doctor’s.”

“Just a yearly exam.”

“Did he tell you how beautiful you are?”

She flicked her eyes with a moderate amount of annoyance. “Yes, Nick. I spread my legs, and he tells me how beautiful I am.”

“Why wouldn’t he? That’s what I tell you.” He flashed his most charming seductive smile, pulled the covers over her head, then back down again around her chin, and gave her a kiss. “I’ll be up later.”

She used to think stupid shit like that meant something. And it would if the right person were doing it.

~ ~ ~

When Kinsley heard Xavier come in, she was in her bedroom and just getting out of the shower. She hurried and dried off as she called to him. Synapses throughout her body fired, screaming for her to run and forget all about the truth.

“C’mon in, I’m up here.” She threw on her robe and was toweling her hair when he knocked and came in. “I’m sorry. I’m running late. I had to take Max in for his field trip, and Nick didn’t leave until twenty minutes ago. I hope I’m not holding you up. I shouldn’t have bothered you. You have to get to work.” Frazzled, she wasn’t breathing between sentences. Her visibly shaken demeanor was unmistakable.

His head shook, but just barely. That, together with a slight lift of his empty hands made his concern obvious. “I took the day off. I’m all yours. What do you need?”

She stopped, looked over to him, and sat on the side of the bed, dropping her head into her hands.

He waited. When he didn’t get an answer, he asked, “Did something happen with Nick?”

“Something always happens with Nick. I’m not going to stay with him, but that’s not why I asked you to come.” Her face went white wash and her eyes glazed.

“I take it I should sit down?”

She nodded.

He sat in the bedside chair, leaned his elbows onto his knees, and clasped his hands together. They gazed at each other with worried expressions. She felt weak and wordless. When she looked away and didn’t say anything, he went and sat beside her, taking her hand.

“Maybe I should just start by showing you something.” She stood and walked to the closet, and upon turning back, she met his confident eyes. They gave her courage. She grabbed the small stool, stepped up, and reached above the door ledge, retrieving a small key. Her heart galloped along at a brisk pace, no longer from fear, but from the anticipation of freedom from years of carrying a heavy burden alone. Strong enough to face herself and her future, whatever her future may be, she reached beneath the bed and took out the large photo album. She’d been assembling it for years. After climbing into bed on her knees, she scooted toward the middle and patted the space next to her, encouraging him join her.

He kicked off his shoes and sat next to her, leaning against the headboard.

“I’ve wanted you to have this for a long time. Instead, I left, afraid of the truth the album held. By the time Nick and I split up, I couldn’t even open it. But you have to know—what I’m going to show you is also the reason why I had to come home. She turned her head away and was successful at blinking back a few tears. With her head still turned from him, she handed him the key.

He took the key and opened the album. Lingering at times, he turned the pages. She watched as he flipped them slowly. In his face, she saw sadness mixed with an occasional hint of a smile. He closed the album filled with photos of him and Max and threw the key into the wastebasket beside the bed. Her secret was no longer locked away and hidden.

“Thank you. This is perfect, all I’ve thought of for years. I didn’t know for sure if you knew.” He reached around her and drew her close.

Not able to hold back any longer, she buried her head in his chest, sobbing. She held him tight, feeling she might float away down a river of tears if she loosened her grip. “I’m not positive.”

He lowered his eyes. “I am. Max is our son. I presumed as much the day you and Nick told us you were going to have a child. A week after he was born, I had no question about him being my son. I had Nick’s DNA done at the same time. The samples were easy to get.” He pulled her head to his chest and tucked it beneath his chin letting out a large sigh. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what to do. You should’ve never had to shoulder this secret on your own. I didn’t want to rip your life apart. I thought that if or when you knew, you’d come to me. You and Max are everything to me. The longer time went on, the more difficult bringing the topic up became. Angela surmised Max was mine; I don’t know how. Max and I are close in ways she must’ve questioned. She started hunting around, obviously. Somehow, she got into my personal safe and found the DNA reports. I’m sure now that her finding out is what started the ordeal with Wayde. She obviously fed him all the stories about your brother. Set the whole thing up perfectly.”

“That must have been why she wanted me gone and went to such great lengths. If I had a husband like you, I might even be able to understand why. There was never a right time to tell you. I was afraid for all of us, but mostly for Max. In our hearts we both did what we thought would be best for everyone.” She looked away and then met his gaze again. “We were wrong, weren’t we?”

They held each other silently for a long time—her sobbing, and his expression sinking with every tear that fell. Secure in his arms, he took her back to a time when she thought she couldn’t bear another day of the loneliness she endured with Nick. A time when Xavier worried and cared for her every day when Nick wouldn’t—until she felt like living again. After her suicide attempt, he would check on her daily. Concerned that people would find out, Nick had insisted only family stay with her. Mostly, she was alone. Her mind wandered, back to the day Xavier carried her limp body from the bath she had been in for hours, fed her, and held her secure in his arms as she lingered in a depression prolonged by Nick’s indifference toward her. That day, she fell in love with him. Not long after, Max was conceived. In his arms now, she felt the past four years disappear. No Nick, no Jackson. She needed to share with Max’s father for just a little while. When she was able to raise her eyes to meet his, their lips came together in a sweet kiss beyond lust or physical satisfaction: a connection of love, understanding, and sadness. The kiss was good-bye.

They held each other for a long time. There were no more feelings of guilt or shame, no feeling of being madly in love. Just honesty and mutual understanding that the love they shared would always be there. Both were free to move on.

“Is the baby Nick’s?” His words were spoken with love and tenderness.

She glanced up at him. “What do you mean?” She was surprised by his knowing about the baby and spoke before thinking, implying she didn’t understand. She’d do that to other people sometimes, like anyone, but not to him, and not to Jackson. The two men were similar, she could see that now. Jackson was confident, like Xavier, and somehow, Jackson letting her share her weaknesses made her strong.

Any show of weakness to Nick and she was a burden. She was there to be his wife, the perfect showpiece. And a mother to the son he thought was his. After she took the pills he’d told her, ‘If you weren’t the needy woman you are, I would be a better man.’ And she believed him. The same way she believed Wayde’s lies. Everything was her fault; even Nick’s faults became hers. And that was just too much to carry.

Jackson made her feel sane by validating her feelings, and the way he looked at her, told her he found her not only physically beautiful, but beautiful in a way only he could see. He saw her like no one else ever had, and it made her whole and strong. What she had needed all along was to believe in herself and find a stronger man. She hoped Jackson was still available.

Xavier looked at her.

She smiled. “Your knowing took me by surprise. How did you guess?”

“Those are the same magnificent breasts I was never able to touch when I watched you grow so beautiful with our son. The child’s Jackson’s, I hope.”

“Yes.”

“Do you love him?”

“I do. Very much. I never thought anyone would be able make me feel as loved as you do.” Before she met Jackson, all she had wanted was to come home and be as close to Xavier as she could. Max having his father close and her being close to him too had meant everything to her. She would always love him. They’d shared so much. But he was her past, and today she lived in the present. The future, she still wasn’t sure of. She only hoped, again, that it included Jackson.

“I couldn’t be happier for you. Jackson’s a good man.” He hauled her in closer, in a friendly way.

“What will we say to Nick and Max? How—”

“Shh…” He grabbed the comforter from the bottom of the unmade bed, covering her and hugging her. “I’ll figure everything out when we wake up. I simply need to hold my son’s mother for the last time.” He kissed the top of her head. “My best friend.”

They fell asleep, his hand over hers, on his heart, breathing together—at peace.

~ ~ ~

When Nick opened his morning mail, he looked at the return address on one of the envelopes three times and at the contents of the letter it held several more. Usually, he didn’t drink before lunchtime. Today, he poured his first scotch at nine-thirty. Turning his chair from the desk, he watched the pigeons lined on the roof of the nearest building appearing lost in thought. After a while, he headed out.

“Hold all my calls. I’m leaving for the day.” He turned in the direction of the elevator. His assistant inquired for further instructions, but he kept walking. Stone faced, he headed to his car, got in, slammed the door hard enough to have it echo through the garage, and sped out.

He was driving far too fast when he pulled into the driveway of his home. The car halted, but not before the door swung open and the ignition cut off. The house appeared quiet. Kinsley’s car was in the driveway. He opened the front door, pushing it forcefully in the heat of anger, but he closed it slowly and hesitated at the sight of his family looking down on him from the portrait above.

He traveled the most direct route to the bar, poured himself a heavy one, and washed the liquor down in anger. After slamming the highball glass down onto the bar, he headed up the stairs as he waved the letter in the air and hollered eerily. “Your lover is mailing me from the grave, Kinsley.”

Xavier shook her. “Get up, Nick’s here!”

He jumped from the bed, as she struggled with her tangled silk robe. When the door flew open, Nick stood holding the letter in the air.

“What the—” The letter dropped and fluttered to the floor.

Xavier raised his hand in a conciliatory gesture. “Nick, we have to talk.”

“At least you didn’t insult me by saying, ‘This isn’t what it looks like.’ Just how long have you both been f*cking me behind my back?”

She headed for Nick, reaching as she spoke. “Nick, please.”

His hand flew up between them so fast, it nearly stuck her. “Shut up, Kinsley.”

He glared at Xavier. “Tell me… Dad…” He slapped his hand against his forehead. “Oh, right, how stupid of me. My father’s her dead lover.” He started en route for Kinsley.

Surprised by his aggression, she drew back quickly. But Xavier had already stepped in front of her. “No! Nick, don’t. She’s pregnant.”

Nick glanced from her to Xavier. “Is it yours? It can’t be mine; she’s been home almost three months and hasn’t let me touch her.”

Xavier crushed his lower lip with his teeth and sighed heavily. “No…the baby’s not mine.”

Nick laughed sardonically and stared at her, examining her up and down. He shook his head, sneering. “You disgust me. Do you have any idea who the father is?”

Briefly, her eyes closed, she gulped, and then opened them, forcing the words out. She looked him in the eye. She owed him as much. “The baby is Jackson’s.”

Nick dropped to the bed, his head hung between his legs, wobbling back and forth. It took a while before he looked up at her with a lifeless expression. “What have you done to our family?”

The question immobilized her. Her fists clenched in anger at her sides, and she spoke in a hard voice. “What have I done? Why don’t you ask yourself what you’ve done for a change?” She should have been asking that question from the beginning. Never again would she allow herself to be disrespected and controlled the way she had in the past.

Nick jumped from the bed, shaking his finger all over the place and hollering. “What have I ever done but love you?”

“Oh, please.” She let the words drag as she swept her hand to encompass the room. “Why don’t you ask Mia? Or one of the other dozen women you’ve been with in the last six years?”

Nick glanced away and back. “Is Max even mine?” When neither of them looked at him, he shouted. “How could you? I loved you, Kinsley.”

Her foot stomped and her fists punctuated the air following it to the floor. “Bullshit! If you loved me, then why have I felt so alone ever since the day I said, ‘I do?’” The wounded betrayed expression he wore triggered her memory. The memory of him watching her swallow a handful of pills and then drunkenly walking away. It broke her. She stood soundless until she was able to bring herself to speak. Her voice was barely audible. “If you loved me so much—why did you leave me to die?” When she heard her own words, she realized him leaving her that night was why she was never able to trust his love for her, and why she had needed him to prove his love by stopping her from going to Wayde and doing another self-destructive thing. Her already glazed eyes filled, and she began to cry. Sobs replaced the tears when, once again, she had to face the reality—he hadn’t.

Xavier reached for her when she wavered and held her steady.

“I didn’t love you?” he shouted, this time louder, his voice becoming hoarse. Infuriated, he reached down speedily, opening the bedside drawer.

Xavier dashed in front of her selflessly. “No, Nick, don’t do this!”

Nick lifted the drawer and flipped it, letting all the letters flutter to the floor. Xavier breathed a sigh of relief, as Kinsley stared at the letters, surprised and a little saddened, that Nick loved her enough to write all those letters, but was so self-loathing he couldn’t express that love and buried himself in a bottle and in the arms of any woman who’d have him. All this time she thought it was her he didn’t love, but it was himself.

Nick fixed a hard glare on Xavier. “What’d you think I was going to do?”

“I thought you were going to use that gun in there.”

Nick turned to her, his eyes glassy. “Why would I have to use a gun? She’s already dead to me. He turned to leave, and as he walked, he said coldly, “By the way, I want a divorce.”

She stood with her arms folded, focused on the letters.

“I’ll wait for you downstairs,” Xavier said, grabbing his shoes from beside the bed on his way out.

After gathering the letters, she pulled herself together and went downstairs. Xavier sat in silence as she started the fireplace. She knelt by the hearth and began tossing the letters into the fire.

“Are you sure you don’t want to read them?”

“Whatever they say will just haunt me. I’m done with that.” If she opened one, she’d sit and read them all. It was better that she didn’t. When she was finished, she went and sat across from him.

They didn’t speak for a while; they simply sat watching the letters burn and drinking the coffee Xavier had gotten them.

She fingered the sapphire. “I didn’t want to pull Jackson into all of this craziness. I guess I did, huh.”

“Clearly he wants to be with you. From what I hear, he’s been pretty down since you left.”

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and sighed heavily. Looking away from him, she cradled her chin in her hand and shook her head slowly. “I don’t know if I can face him. When he finds out who I really am, and the lies I’ve lived with, how will he be able to love me then?”

“Don’t let Nick or anyone else tell you who you are. If I’ve come to discern Jackson’s character at all, I don’t think anything will change his mind.”

“If I can stomach telling him, maybe I’ll talk to him Friday at Scar’s gallery opening.”

They sat for a while longer.

“I have to get Max soon.” She took a moment. “What the hell have I done to his life?”

“It wasn’t just you. Let me get him. I’ll keep him for the day. You rest. We’ll work it out together.” He stood and held his hands out for her to take.

She took them and stood facing him.

“Kinsley… I—”

She flattened her lips and nodded. “I know.”

I need you to hear the words for the last time. “I love you. I will always be here for you, if you need me.”

She wrapped her arms around him tight. It took a minute before she was able release him. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

“My car’s out back.”

She hoped the week ahead would instill the courage she’d need to face Jackson.