When the Heart Lies

Chapter 22





Jackson left a note on the pillow.

“I won’t say goodbye. Because it isn’t over.” He signed the it, “Forever lost to you, – Jackson.”

Kinsley stared at the paper, hoping that new words would appear “I went for coffee. Be back soon.” Anything. Anything to indicate she’d see him one more time. When a cupboard door slammed, she dropped the note and gathered the sheet, covering herself as she ran to the kitchen. Scar stood at the sink.

“Scar.” Her voice faded along with her heart.

Scar turned and gave her a somber smile. “I thought you should get up because we need to be at the airport in an hour and a half.”

When they arrived, the plane was about to board. She ran back to Scar and hugged her for the last time. “Take care of him for me.”

Scar smiled. “He doesn’t need to be taken care of.” And that was why he was so perfect for her.

Scar was right. Jackson would be fine. Already, she wondered where he was and what he was doing. Did he still feel her touch all over him, as she felt his?

The flight passed in a flash, the only thoughts crossing her mind were of Jackson and Max; everything else seemed inconsequential. The flight attendant’s voice instructing passengers to refasten their seat belts for landing pulled her from her thoughts.

The plane would land in twenty minutes. Only twenty minutes to get herself together. Never having thought what facing Nick again would be like, she wasn’t prepared. If Max came with him, the reunion would be easier, and she could focus on him.

As she walked down the jet way, her stomach flipped. She feared she might vomit from the mix of dread and anticipation. The railing supported her as she tugged her bag from her shoulder and moved off to the side to allow the others passengers to pass. Her dizzy head hung at her chest, and she held her stomach. After all the passengers exited, a flight attendant approached her.

“Are you okay, Miss?”

“Yes, I’ll be fine. I just needed a minute.” She saw Nick first. Exhaling long, the way she did during her labor with Max, she walked toward him. It seemed strange to be looking into his eyes again. Not just strange—awkward. Her worry pulled at her temples, threatening a headache.

Max ran to her. She swooped down and plucked him up into a tight embrace. Nick came and joined them. She sensed his awkwardness. He gave her a perfunctory kiss.

“How’d the flight go?

“Oh, a little bumpy.”

If she hadn’t met Jackson, she’d be happy to be home and ready to put the past behind her. Not to go back to her old life, but on to a better one, a life where she’d tell Nick —no more women and a lot less drinking. He didn’t think she knew about the other women, and he was unaware his drinking tore her up inside when he slunk into their bed after downing a half bottle of scotch and ignoring her all night. Maybe she’d even find the strength to face the past. Taking all the blame would change. Ready or not, she’d get herself to that point.

The car ride home was quiet, except for Max’s input. There were brief glances, short smiles, and bits of small talk between her and Nick. He was pretending in the same way she was.

“Dad planned a little family dinner. Mia will be coming. Just the four of us. He wanted us to welcome you home”

Her brow crinkled. “Tonight?”

Xavier was always trying to fix things. If he only knew how broken they were. The kind of broken she didn’t think she could hide much longer. She could’ve before, but not after Wayde. She had to face herself. First, she’d take some time and make sure her thinking was clear.

“Dinner’s not until eight, Dad’s cooking, and you love when he cooks. The staff is off. Even Jonathan. You don’t need to worry. Everything will be okay. C’mon.”

“Okay. I wish Mia wasn’t coming. I don’t want to face anyone so soon. The last few days have been a lot to deal with. Besides, Mia is more your friend, and after this …”

“Since when? You and Mia have always been friends. She loves you.”

No, she loves you. “I’m sorry, she’s a good friend. We’ve just … grown apart.” She wasn’t about to get into it with him about Mia, and it would change nothing.

“Well, get out from behind your computer more. What the hell do you want to write all the time for anyway? You have everything you could want.”

With a flash of her eyes, she folded her arms over her chest. “I don’t write for the money.” Sometimes, she wondered if he knew her at all.

Nick’s face hardened, and he stretched one arm out stiff against the steering wheel. “I’m sorry. I understand writing is your hobby. I just want you to be happy. Spend more time on fun things. Let’s not get off on the wrong foot. I’m glad you’re home. We’ll talk when Max takes his nap. He should be ready for one by the time we get home.” He reached out, took her hand, and held it between them. “All right?”

“No nap!” Max proclaimed loudly.

They laughed. They loved Max. That was something. No, there was more. She’d try to love him like she used to. He probably did love her, but simply didn’t grasp how to show it. About two weeks before Nick left the house, they made love. Usually they had sex, good sex, but the connection was never about him loving her. Making love was different. He said I love you as they made love that one afternoon, and for the first time in years, she believed he meant the words. She couldn’t remember if it was their last time together. It seemed like it.

Before the suicide attempt, before Max and the affairs, she thought she couldn’t live without Nick. More than once, the thought crossed her mind that she felt the same way about Jackson. Time would change things. This go around, she knew she didn’t need Nick or Jackson. Her strength would be what carried her from now on. She stared at the sapphire. Nick wouldn’t even notice the ring. Stuff like clothes and jewelry blew by him, and she was glad because despite not needing Jackson, she wanted him and loved him. The ring signified their connection, but the reminder wasn’t necessary. They were silent the remainder of the ride home.

Déjà vu overwhelmed her when she entered the house. They could’ve been returning from the grocery store. After putting Max to bed, she went down to the deck. The day was cool and crisp. She breathed deeply, filling her lungs with the fresh air. She loved the fall. It was good to be home, good to be safe and secure. Maybe she’d tell Nick about the book; possibly, he’d recognize her writing wasn’t some stupid hobby.

Nick surprised her, coming up from behind. He put his arms around her waist and leaned his face next to hers. She pushed away thoughts of Jackson. She had to. This was real life.

“I want us to try,” he said.

She turned to faced him. “I do, too. A lot has happened; can we get past everything?”

They regarded each other, both questioning.

“I’ll get us some coffee and start a fire. We can talk,” he said.

They gave each other a half nod of understanding. When he headed to the kitchen, she looked out onto the lake, sighed, and headed to the living room.

She leaned back into the cushy sofa with her feet tucked under her, and grabbed a throw. Once Nick started the fire and brewed and served the coffee, he sat next to her. They sat in quiet for a few minutes.

“So where do we start? Was it awful?” he asked.

“How’s Max adjusting to being home?”

“I guess avoiding the question means you don’t want to talk about what happened? He’s doing great. He’ll be fine. I worry about you, though. If you need to talk, I’m here.”

Where were you eight months ago? When I wanted to talk. She willed herself not to think so negatively.

He kissed her cheek and moved to kiss her lips. She didn’t move away, but turned her head a bit. Being with Nick again would take some time. Jackson was fresh in her memory.

Nick blew out a breath and leaned back into the sofa. “I only want to make things better.”

Sex had always been what fixed them. Until the next time. This time had to be different.

“I do, too. I’ll need some time, though.” The problem was she didn’t know how much time adjusting would take.

His fingers played in her hair. “Okay. Take whatever time you need. Do you want to take a nap?” He took her hand and weaved his fingers with hers. “I promise I’ll leave you alone. I just want to hold you next to me.”

“Nick.”

“I promise.”

The bed was hers. It was home. Comfortable and familiar. She’d try to remember what being in love with Nick felt like. Max was close to his father, and that’s what mattered most to her. Or did it? She wasn’t sure anymore.

~ ~ ~

Once they arrived at Xavier’s, Kinsley was glad to be there. Xavier was in the kitchen, already putting the final touches on the meal. The whole house was chock-full of aromas, and seeing Xavier cook, as he always did on special occasions, took her back to simpler times. The warm ambiance of being with family surrounded her. Max, as always, climbed up Xavier’s leg for a hug, and as usual, he dropped everything to welcome him. Once Max got his fill, Xavier came to her, embracing her in a bear hug while rocking back and forth.

He held her at arm’s length and studied her, smiling. “Welcome home. I missed you, and you are looking beautiful as always.”

Xavier always made her feel special. He was one of the kindest men she’d ever known. Not without faults, but special. Her eyes started to tear up, and he hugged her again. This time, the hug was firm and secure.

“Thank you for sending Jackson and watching over us.”

He patted her shoulder reassuringly and returned to preparing the meal. He always had an easy way with her, if only she and Nick could communicate so well.

“Mmm, everything smells so good. What are you cooking?” she asked.

He smiled warmly. “Brandy glazed, peppercorn steak, French onion soup, asparagus, and twice baked potatoes. You’re hungry, I hope?”

She rubbed her hands together, anticipating the meal. She hadn’t thought about eating all day, and the smell reminded her stomach of her neglect. “Yup.” She smiled, and for the first time since she’d come home, the gesture wasn’t forced.

Mia knocked on the glass door and entered. She carried some sort of dessert. While balancing the platter in one hand, she shrugged her jacket off of one arm, slid the circular container onto the countertop, and wriggled out of the thing completely. Before addressing anyone, she took her time smoothing the jacket shoulders as she placed it over the back of the chair. She turned to Kinsley, smiling, but not connecting. “Kinsley, good to see you.”

“You too.” She didn’t know what else to say.

After a few seconds, they leaned into an awkward, non-connecting hug with air pats on the back.

The reunion was difficult because she was sure everyone was baffled and appalled at her having left to live with Wayde. If another woman had done what she did, she couldn’t deny and hated to admit it, she would be a little judgmental.

Mia turned to Max. “Hey, you’ve gotten big! Can I get a hug?”

Max gave her a big hug.

As if the awkwardness were his cue, Nick said, “Kinsley, I think Max should go up to the nursery now, it’s a little past eight, I’ll take him up.”

Max slung his body to the ground, swinging, and let out a whine of disapproval.

“No, I’ll take him up.” Kinsley held her hand out, and Max reluctantly clasped it and headed off with her.

After a short while, she returned. Dinner was already on the table. The conversation ended when she walked in, and the atmosphere was uncomfortable. What made me think I could just waltz back into my life with no missed steps?

“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting. Max wanted a story.”

Xavier stood and pulled out her chair. “We just sat down, so you’re right on time. I hope you were able to get some rest after your flight.”

She slid into the chair, adjusting herself a bit longer than necessary to avoid direct eye contact with anyone. “I had a long nap.”

At first, the conversation started with small talk. Everyone tiptoed around discussing safe topics, making sure not to refer to her six-month absence. Until Nick finished his fourth scotch.

“I suppose I should be jealous Kinsley just spent six months with another man.” The muscles in his face grew taut. The confrontation began. He continued eating, stabbing, more than cutting into, his steak.

Xavier and Mia became silent, and the clinking of the silverware ceased.

“Are you going to tell us what happened, Kinsley? Or are we just going to wonder what the hell went on down there while you were gone?” When Nick’s words were met with silence, he swatted the air and went back to his steak. It didn’t hold his attention long. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Perhaps the question should’ve been why you chose to spend the last two days with Jackson instead of your husband?”

Xavier’s open hand landed with a thump onto the table, and he raised his brow, glaring at Nick. “Nick, do you need to do this now?”

Kinsley pushed her plate away and made direct eye contact with Nick. Placing both elbows on the table, she clasped her hands beneath her chin. “Don’t worry, Xavier. If Nick wants answers, he’ll get answers. What do you want to know Nick?”

After sitting through most of the meal avoiding conversation, Mia cut in. “Xavier, this has been a wonderful meal. Can I bring dessert out? I made a cheesecake.”

Nick glanced at the three of them and huffed as he stabbed into another piece of steak. “The hell with it. I don’t want to know. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Let’s forget it ever happened.”

“Good idea. Drop the issue,” Xavier said, and then looked at Mia. “Let’s dig in to that cheesecake.”

Mia bounded from her chair, and without a word, she served coffee and dessert. The rest of the meal was like being in church, quiet as sin.

“Would anyone like more coffee? We can move into the living room?” Xavier asked and got a resounding, ‘No.’ The breath he appeared to be holding while waiting for an answer let out in a steady stream of relief, and he tossed his napkin onto the table.

“We’ll be going now, I’ll get Max,” Kinsley said, relieved to put an end to the night.

“Do you want me to carry Max down for you? I think he’s put on about ten pounds since I saw him last.”

“Great. I’ll be up right behind you. I just want to warm the car a little. The air’s kind of chilly, and I’ve gotten use to the heat.” She went to the car, needing a minute alone to stifle the jagged breaths begging to release full on sobs. It didn’t take long to decide crying wasn’t going to help. She started the car, left it running and headed back into the house, still dry eyed and a tad more confident.

Xavier waited for her in the nursery. When she crossed the room, she didn’t notice him at the bedside watching Max sleep and began straightening the books and blankets. She jumped when he laid his hand on the back of her shoulder.

“I’m sorry Nick ruined your night, Kinsley. He can be an ass sometimes. Are you going to be okay?”

The soft colorful blankets she’d begun folding and stacking were getting extra attention. Finally, she stopped and faced him. “I’m fine. Don’t apologize for him. He’s been drinking, and he has every reason to be hostile. Earlier he seemed fine; I’d hoped he’d stay civil. I expected his anger to come out at some point. Sorry the scene had to happen here. I should’ve confronted him and Mia about the affair they’ve been having for over a year.”

“Humph, nothing gets past you does it? How did you find out?”

She crossed her arms over her chest and eyed him questioningly. “C’mon, are you telling me you didn’t know? Mia happened to be one of the reasons I left. The affair must’ve gotten more serious. They can barely look at each other, and Mia hasn’t looked me in the eye all night.

“I only found out recently. I’m sorry. Do you think you’ll stay with him?”

She turned from him and refocused her attention on smoothing the wrinkles from the already perfect pile of blankets. “A lot will depend on Nick. I’ll do my best to stay. The drinking has to cut down, and the cheating has to stop all together, but I do want to try. I want Max to live a normal life.”

He turned her around to face him, looked at her earnestly, and gave her a hug. “I’m here if you need anything. I’m going to Texas tomorrow. Angela’s being transported to a facility for rehab, but I’m only a phone call away.”

She stepped back, mouth open, with a worried brow. He had become the shock absorber in her marriage. And right now, she imagined the road ahead was sure to be rocky. “How long will you be gone?”

“I’ll be gone a while, about six weeks. Don’t worry. Like I said, I’m a call away.”

She nodded. “So Angela was really behind all of this?”

“Yes, she’s been paying Wayde off for over thirty years. The payments made things clear, to me at least. But the investigators have found no concrete proof she was involved with the kidnapping, at least not yet. They know she was being blackmailed, they’ll pursue the case until they are satisfied the kidnapping was solely Wayde’s idea. If you want to pursue legal action, I would understand.

“Thirty years? What’s clear about that?”

He walked over to the open door, closed it, and returned to her. “I’d rather Nick not find out about this. I know I can trust you not to tell him. When I had an extended stay in Amsterdam thirty-two years ago, Angela had an affair with Wayde. She never told me, but when she was pregnant with Nick, things didn’t add up. I recognized that much. By the time I had DNA tests done, Nick was already a grown man. I should’ve dealt with my suspicions when I first doubted the timing and got everything out into the open. We’ve been living a lie. We could’ve dealt with the situation and undoubtedly had a better marriage and a happier life. I would’ve stayed with her. I loved her, but the questions always came between us. I realize that now. I suspect her experience is what changed her; he must have been blackmailing her all this time.

“I’m so sorry. At the cabin, Wayde told me he was Nick’s father. I thought he was lying to me, or at least that’s what I wanted to think. No, I don’t want to pursue anything. I’m sure Angela had plenty of punishment over the years dealing with Wayde.” How could she punish Angela when she herself had done such awful things to protect her son from her secrets?

He shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. This all happened a long time ago. As far as I’m concerned, Nick’s my son, always has been. I appreciate your leniency with Angela, though. What the police will do, they will do. Keeping secrets isn’t a good thing for anyone involved.” He laid his hand on her shoulder. “It’s hard to face them. You understand, don’t you?”

She looked down and away. “Yes, very hard.”

He lifted her chin. “If someone loves you, they’ll face the truth with you. When you’re ready, you just tell them. I wish I’d tackled the issue of Angela’s betrayal head on. Trust me, things will work out.”

She took his hand and studied him for a long time. “I trust you.”

As her hand held his, his thumb slid over the sapphire a few times, and he examined the ring. “This is gorgeous. Have I seen this one before?”

She’d never lie to him because he was too good to her. “No, you’ve never seen it.” She knew the statement would be enough for him. Besides, she didn’t want to tell him how much she needed a reminder someone loved her, and she sensed he was already aware. “Be safe on your trip. I’ll miss you. We should talk when you get back.”

“I’ll look forward to a long chat soon. You know,” he stopped mid-sentence, lifted his finger and aimed toward the bed, “let me get Max for you, and try to get him into the car without waking him.”

~ ~ ~

When Kinsley returned from putting Max to bed, Nick was on the sofa with another drink. She turned to go back upstairs. “I think I’ll take a bath and head to bed.”

Nick hung his head, swiping his hand through his shiny curls. “I’m sorry, okay. Things haven’t been easy. I’ve missed you, though, and I’m glad you’re home. I’ll join you soon.”

She continued up the stairs and drew a bath. Slowly at first, she dipped one foot, then, inch by inch, she entered and sank into the hot water. The sultry wetness enveloped her. The scent of wild flowers filled her nostrils, and salts from the soothing water layered like silk against her skin, leaving her head emptied of all thoughts.

Nick came in when she was still soaking and stood with his forearm bracing his weight against the doorframe. His brooding stare promised a quarrel.

“Don’t you want to talk to me? About any of it?” he said.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything, tell me anything. I want you to talk to me. I’ve missed you. You have no idea what it’s been like for me.”

“And you have no idea what it was like for me. Hand me my towel, please.” She took the towel and wrapped it around herself.

“You’re wrapping that damn towel around yourself like I’ve never seen you naked. Don’t look, don’t touch, is that how it is now?” Shaking his head, he turned to leave.

She followed shortly. After she climbed into bed, she braided her hair to one side and slipped beneath the covers. Normally, she’d read a while, but nothing was normal, and she turned to go to sleep.

“I can’t stay in this bed without holding you,” he said. “Don’t shut me out. Please don’t.”

She hurt for him because of what Xavier told her, and she felt horrible she didn’t ever want anyone but Jackson to touch her. How can I forget him? She had to. She turned and went to Nick.

“To hold you is so comforting.” His face nuzzled into her neck the way he’d always loved to fall asleep with her, and he threw his leg over her, reining her in close. But this time the closeness was troublesome, rather than comforting.