This Star Won't Go Out

In the spring of 2009, Esther mentioned that she had written a letter to her “future self.” As she explained the concept, I listened, thinking nothing more than that it was a genius moneymaker idea for someone else. I think I responded with something like, “That’s nice, dear,” and then promptly forgot all about it. At the time, I simply had no idea how serious and mature my fourteen-year-old daughter’s thoughts really were. Two and a half years later—on December 1, 2011—I opened a new e-mail and read these words, “this is a letter for the future Esther, that I will get when I’m . . . seventeen.” She went on to explain that she’d sent it to our account “just in case” she wasn’t around to receive it herself. At that moment, I remembered the brief conversation we had had. And then the sobbing began. Her every word was soaked with meaning, every phrase making it harder to catch my breath. I felt suffocated and ran outside to phone Lori, who was meeting with someone at a local café. I wanted to be sure she didn’t open this final message from Esther in public.

—ESTHER’S DAD





futureme.org


this is a letter for the future esther, that I will get when I’m . . . 17. so you know that I’m really bad with words. I have emotions but I’m pretty bad at getting them out on paper. but this email is for you, and you’ll understand most of what I’m saying (I hope).


yeah. I’m 14 now. I’ll be 15 in 4 months. future me, I hope you’re doing better than present me. I hope that if you still have your cancer, at least it will be gone enough for you to be off oxygen. and if it’s not, just remember to use that Ocean Spray to keep your nostrils moist :] and I hope you’ve tried to talk to more people that also have cancer. in the world, there’s not ONLY boring people with cancer. there are people that are awesome, but maybe you just haven’t met them yet. you never will if you don’t try. do you still even have cancer? do you still feel sick? are you back in school after missing so many years of it?


in the present, I’m a lazy person. I mean, with the health issues there’s the fact that I can’t do much, but come on man, I hope you’ve gotten off your butt! you’ve finally started doing physical therapy in the present, but you keep trying to get out of it. I hope in the future you are more strong willed and go through with things. remember how you always wanted to do something for the world? remember that? if you haven’t done something amazing, don’t forget to try. the worst that can happen is you fail, and then you can just try again until you succeed. those words don’t work on me now, but just try to remember them.


graham is doing good, he’s 13 in present, a teenager. and when you get this he’ll be . . . 15. wow, that’s older than I am at present. his speech problems have gotten better, and present me is a lot nicer to him now than past me. I’m glad of that. how is he in the future? is he doing good? give him a hug. play some games with him. he loves you and I hope you pay more attention to him. and abraham? he’s what. 8 now? man, that’s old. is he a sports maniac? does he play basketball, baseball, soccer, swimming—all the things he wants to do now? and is he a brainiac? he’s so smart right now. he says the pledge of allegiance perfectly and can draw and say every letter of the alphabet. and he’s learning to read.


oh, and evangeline/angie? are you friends with her again? when you were 12 and she was 15, you guys were best friends. we told each other everything. but ever since I got sick we haven’t talked as much. I think maybe that might be because . . . I don’t know . . . her problems seem unimportant compared to my health? maybe. I don’t know. I wish that we could be best friends again. it’s kind of awkward to hang out with her now, though. is that gone? please make an effort to become, or stay, friends with her. you need each other. is she 20 now? holy cow. seriously? that is soo old.


abby is 19 now, oh no, she turned 20 yesterday. wow. twenty years old. I forgot to tell her happy birthday yesterday . . . I never expected the day to come when my sister has a two at the beginning of her age. it’s weird. future me has a sister named abby who is 22, eh? she’s of legal drinking age now, haha. she’s at gordon now, and she wants to be a PA. she came with me when I got my g-tube switched, and held my hand as they freaking pulled the life out of me (I could be exaggerating a little). she got kind of woozy and fell off her chair, but I think that’s because it was me, someone she knows, in pain. I think she’ll be an amazing doctor if she goes through with it. cheer her on, with whatever she’s doing.