This Star Won't Go Out

and then there’s mom and dad. oh, mom, how is she? is she teaching again? is she happy? she works so hard now, everyday she’s so exhausted. she does too much. I love her, and remember to tell her that everyday. are her and dad still bickering? all they talk about now is money, since let’s face it, we have literally none. the world is in recession, and our family has ALWAYS been on the poor end, but now we’re living off of 300 dollars a month, really. dad just got a job as a mall security guard, it’s only temporary, but he seems better now that he’s not sitting at home job searching all day. I’m glad that he’s doing something. does he still have problems with depression? don’t get angry at him too much, he tries really hard and he loves you. if YOU had 5 kids and couldn’t get a job, I’m sure you’d be a little depressed as well.


oh, are you still a nerdfighter? because right now that’s a big part of your life. really pretty much all your life . . . I’m going to LeakyCon on May 21, to May 24, and I think abby or angie are going with me. if you have forgotten, it’s a harry potter convention, and I’m going to get to see all the bands I love, and hopefully meet some cool people. the only problem is I feel really guilty for doing this, because it’s so expensive. 250 dollars a person. but mom and dad know how much it means to me. it’s just crazy how bad I feel for wanting to spend so much money. yikes.


still a fan of harry potter? the movies are over by now, aren’t they? or is the last one coming out november 2011? I don’t remember. but remember that harry potter is how you made friends with a lot of people, and don’t shove him off once you don’t need him anymore. and what about doctor who? I’m just getting into that now. I feel like it’ll be a big part of my life, even though it’s just a tv show.


how are your cats? pancake and blueberry? are they doing well? did you get anymore cats? or pets? blueberry and pancake are laying with me in bed now, and they’re so warm. everytime one of them brushes against me, or lays next to me, they’re warmth and contentment make me smile. if anything has happened to them, since I know blueberry’s not the healthiest, don’t worry about being sad, or crying. and remember all the awesome times you have with them. and how’s Nibbs? do you still have him, or did you give him away? remember to show him some love, if you still have him. he’s a puppy and he doesn’t need the annoyance that’s directed towards him. you know that. are you volunteering at animal shelters, if you can? if you’re healthy enough, you should consider it.


what about, oh those silly things, boys? have you been kissed yet? amidst allllll the health problems and psychological problems, I still want to find a guy I like, who likes me back. I can’t help it, it’s just one of those stupid things I want. have you at least had a like who liked you back? geez . . .


are you still friends with alexa? and melissa? they’re the only people you’re still in contact with that have known you since you’ve been sick. they’re good friends. and even though you probably wouldn’t still be “friends” if you were healthy, they’re awesome, and you need to remember to talk to them more. if you haven’t talked to them in ages, why not do it now? and don’t be afraid to be yourself. you need friends, and there are other people who need friends. the way to get friends is to reach out.


how is your mental state? are you still as confused as ever? are you talking to god again? esther, god has been with you through everything you’ve gone through, he really loves you, and you need him. in the present you’re ignoring him, and I hate that. how do you think you made it through that radiation, when everyone thought you were going to die during the night? do you even remember this stuff?


on thursday I’m going to get another CT scan, and PET scan, and it will show how I’m reacting to the chemo. I really hope that my lungs are improving . . . I’m nervous, I’ve been feeling a little worse with my breathing lately, and I just hope and pray that it’ll be alright. hey, remember to thank your doctors. dr. smith and annette, they’re fantastic people. and they’re your doctors, don’t be afraid to tell them your worries.