This Star Won't Go Out

Ahh yes, here comes mister serious for a visit—and look he brought Mr. Sober and Mrs. Pleasefeelsorryforme! Wow, what a party. :’\

A while ago, I think on Wednesday the 12th . . . Mom and Dad went to the doctors. They came home with some news! Yeah.—The “!” just exaggerates how upset I am. >: (Quoth Mom (as I can remember) who quoth the doctor. Quoth, “We found more cancer than we suspected in your lungs. Our plan is to do a large dose of radiotherapy in January, to give Esther’s lungs time to re-fix themselves.” Unquoth. Of course that was a ginormously brief summary, it was way more hesitant, emotional, longer, more detailed, but yeah. I didn’t cry until the ’rents left the room after telling me. Me and Angie (I told her it all) hugged and cried. :\ Anyway, what it means is the cancer is more advanced than they thought—more spread. Oh yes, I also have a teensy kidney stone. Doctor Jessica Smith said it will most likely dissolve and I’ll “urinate it out, without noticing . . . may experience little or no discomfort . . .” but I’m really worried for it.

All yesterday I read some of Exodus . . . it was interesting. I read of Moses and God seems so stern. I didn’t know he was so strict! Like with the pharaoh . . . why did he cause him so much pain?? Couldn’t He (God) have used Moses to open pharaoh’s heart?


September 17, 2007


Hey . . . tru? I don’t want to grow up. It’s so hard. Abe’s so oblivious to the pain we experience once we understand more . . . He’s so lucky! Do you know that—I’ve been noticing this for a bit, but—people/adults talk, and I now find their discussions interesting. But they talk like . . . well, here’s an example . . . “So I talked to Bob today, and he said Aunt Ronda has cancer now. Yes, terrible.” “Joy said Opa’s cancer has spread!” “Esther, did you know Keri’s mom’s dad has cancer now, too?” and cancer pops up in so many conversations and the ’rents talk so openly about “he died of this cancer, and her of that . . . ” that I feel so sad, like I’m gonna die! Oh, didn’t I tell you? Before, when I had NORMAL THYROID CANCER, I fell into the 99.6% >—(around there) of kids who cure fine. And OK I fall into the 0.4% of kids who cure, and then it comes back again sometimes and they die, or they die right away, or they are as Mom put it, “you fall into the ’unsure category.’” Fun, eh? So I could die. Scary . . . But I feel so peaceful. I truthfully think a lot of the time it’s worse for the friend or family member who doesn’t have cancer, and isn’t used to having a different person with sickness and weakness, or when they die . . . But oh it’s just difficult being so different. I don’t mind as much as I used to, but if it hadn’t spread, I might’ve been cured now . . . so it’s getting to me a bit again. Other than that were all fine! : D tired—g’night.

xoxo <3 Esther Earl



Bubble Girl,

MEDWAY, MASSACHUSETTS, 2009


Thursday, September 20, 2007


Hi : ) sorry about being such an emo-sounding person, it’s just I’m always quite depressed at night, and also you’re the only person . . . thing? . . . I can release my sadness to.