The Sins of the Mother

Chapter 16


The next morning when they got up, Amanda acted as though nothing had happened. She didn’t ask Phillip where he’d gone, or what he’d done. She appeared as though everything was normal, and talked endlessly about the party she wanted to give for her induction. And before that, she wanted to give a Labor Day party in the Hamptons for some important people. It was obvious that she was shifting gears and preparing to enter a whole new world. Clearly, she felt truly important and she expected him to go along with her and do the things she thought necessary to showcase her new status. She told him there would be a printed notice of her appointment in The New York Times on Sunday.

“And don’t forget to buy a new suit for my induction,” she reminded him as they both left for work. She had a lot to do at the office. She had to hand off all her cases to her partners before she left. She acted now as though Phillip’s life were insignificant and the only one that counted was hers. “You should let your mother know,” she said as they left the house. “She may want to give me a party too.” Amanda expected to be celebrated by everyone she knew, and although she wasn’t fond of her mother-in-law, she thought that a party hosted by her would be fitting and attract some important people. Amanda was now the new homecoming queen, and Phillip was her slave. As far as she was concerned, she had one-upped the Graysons in a major way. Phillip found her arrogance unattractive and didn’t tell her that he and his mother weren’t on speaking terms at the moment. The last thing he wanted to do, given her affair with Peter Williams and how he felt about it, was ask her to give Amanda a party. It would just have to wait.

When he got to his office, he went through his messages and e-mails, and he could feel his wallet burning a hole in his back pocket. He knew what was in there and how he felt about it. He finally took it out and looked at the slip of paper Taylor had given him. Her handwriting was bold and clear, and it was easy to read the number. He had no intention of calling her, and didn’t know what he would have said if he did, but he couldn’t help himself. It was an impulse that was stronger than he was. He called her number and heard it ringing. He wanted to hang up but couldn’t. And he had no idea what to say. She answered on the third ring.

“Taylor?” His voice was barely more than a whisper.

“Yes?” She obviously had no idea who it was, but she sounded as innocent and open as the night before. He could still see her smiling at the table next to his at the café downtown. She looked as bright and new as spring.

“Hi. It’s Phillip Grayson,” he said, feeling stupid. Then what? Now what was he going to do? “I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed meeting you last night.” He hadn’t done this in twenty years. “I just thought I’d say hello.”

“Well, hello,” she said, with a smile in her voice. “I enjoyed it too. I was just opening all my boxes. I’ve got books stacked up to the ceiling. I think I’m going to have to go to The Factory and buy a bookcase.” She was laughing, and he could just see her, surrounded by books.

“Maybe we could go together,” he suggested, and then felt stupid again. That was all he needed, to show up at one of their stores with a pretty young woman. Everyone there knew who he was. “Actually, I was wondering if you’d like to have lunch with me today. Does that work for you?” She didn’t hesitate for an instant, which told him that she didn’t mind how old he was. But she still didn’t know he was married.

“That sounds great. Where would you like to meet?”

He suggested a restaurant in the West Village, and they agreed to meet at one o’clock. She sounded bouncy and young and alive, and he felt like an idiot when he hung up. What in God’s name was he doing? He had no idea. He had never done anything like it before, but he felt as though a force more powerful than he was making him do it. He had to see her again.

After that, he asked his secretary to find him their current catalog. He wanted to take it to lunch with him. He was going to help her pick out a bookcase and have it sent to her. He felt protective of her, and he wanted to make life easier for her. She brought out his best instincts. And it was such a small thing to do. His secretary had the catalog on his desk a few minutes later. And he arrived ten minutes early for lunch.

She was wearing a pink cotton skirt when she walked into the restaurant, with a white blouse, and her shining hair cascaded past her shoulders. She looked like a shampoo ad, and she was wearing the same sandals she’d worn the night before. It was hot outside, and she looked crisp and immaculate as she walked across the restaurant toward him with a smile.

“Thank you for coming,” he said as he stood up, and she sat across from him in the booth.

“I’m happy to get out of the mess in my house,” she said brightly, and he remembered the catalog then and handed it to her.

“I thought we could pick a bookcase for you, if you know what size you want. It’s a lot easier than going to the store. I can have it delivered to you.” She looked first surprised and then pleased. He was being so nice to her, and she looked up at him with a shy smile.

“Will you get in trouble for this?” she asked him kindly, and he laughed. She was so innocent and young and looked so concerned. “I want to pay for it, of course.” She didn’t want to take advantage of him.

“No, I won’t get in trouble. It’s not a big deal, I promise. And I get a big discount. I’d like to give it to you as a gift, if you’ll let me.” She felt awkward about it, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“Well, it’s a big gift to me,” she said gratefully, as she looked through the catalog and found one that was exactly the right size and showed him. It cost ninety-nine dollars, and he was sure he could have it for her by that afternoon. They marked the page, and then they ordered lunch. She asked for a salad again, and this time so did he. And when it came, he couldn’t eat. He just wanted to talk to her. He was nervous. His palms were sweating, and by the end of lunch, he knew he had to level with her.

“Taylor,” he said, when the waitress poured them both iced coffee, “I want to be honest with you. I think you’re the most amazing young woman I’ve ever met. And I have no idea what I’m doing here. I just knew I had to see you today. You knocked me flat on my ass last night.” It was the most honest he’d ever been, and she looked touched.

“I did? I don’t know how, I didn’t do anything.”

“Yes, you did. You’re like a breath of fresh air in my life. I’m old enough to be your father, but I feel like a kid with you. Everything about you is so decent and wholesome and alive. I suddenly realize I’ve been dead for twenty years. But there’s something I have to tell you. I have no idea what it means to us, if anything. Or where we go from here, if we do. I’m married. I have been for nineteen years. We have no kids. My wife didn’t want any. She’s an attorney. She’s an extremely bright woman, I’ve always respected her. I’ve never cheated on her, and I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself about our relationship until recently.

“I don’t love her, I don’t even like her. I hate to admit it, but it’s true, and I’m not sure she’s in love with me. I can’t live that way. I haven’t said anything to her, or done anything about it, and I don’t know if I will. And then you walked into my life yesterday. I saw you at the café, and all I want to do now is see you again. But I don’t want to get either of us tangled up in a bad situation. Do you suppose we could just meet for lunch for a while or have coffee until I figure out what I’m doing? I promise you, if I’m going to stay where I am, I won’t see you again. I just don’t know. It’s as honest as I can be with you right now.”

Taylor thought about it for a long moment and nodded. She didn’t want to get into a bad situation either. She had never dated a married man, and she didn’t want to start now. She liked him, but she had thought he was free. At least he had told her the truth. She respected him for it, and she knew it couldn’t have been easy to say.

“I guess that would be okay, if we just do lunch and dinner. I like you,” she said sincerely, “I think you’re a nice man. And no one should be with someone who doesn’t love them. You deserve as much happiness as anyone else.”

“So do you,” he said gently and took her hand in his own. “I promise I’ll figure this out as soon as I can. Maybe nothing will ever happen with us, but I’m grateful just to know you.”

She beamed when he said it. “Me too. And maybe we can just be friends.” Phillip didn’t say it, but that wasn’t how he felt about her. He wanted to make love to her and hold her in his arms. He had never felt about Amanda as he did about this girl. He felt as though he’d been hit by a bolt of lightning the night before.

“I give you my word, Taylor, I’m not going to drag you into a mess. If it’s going to be a mess, I’ll disappear.” She looked sad when he said it, and he brought her fingers to his lips then. “I’m not going anywhere,” he reassured her, “except with you.” He had the strange feeling that Providence had dropped an enormous gift in his lap, and he didn’t want to lose it. He felt like this was meant to be. He paid the check when they were finished, and then looked at her with deep affection. “When am I going to see you again?”

“I don’t know.” She was feeling a little overwhelmed. He was a powerful person, and this was a lot to digest. She would have liked to tell her sister about it, but she wouldn’t approve. A married man? No way. Even just as friends. But she could tell that Phillip wanted to be more than just friends with her, and she was attracted to him. He was a very handsome man, even if he was a little square. But she liked men who looked like him. Her brother was cut from the same cloth, and was a banker in Milwaukee, with a wife and three kids, and he was ten years younger than Phillip. Her sister was forty-three, and had four kids.

“How about lunch tomorrow?” Phillip asked her as they left the restaurant, and she looked up at him with a rueful expression. “Is that too soon?”

“Yes … no,” she corrected. “I don’t know.” He was so comfortable to be with, and so protective, that she was already falling for him, and they had only just met. This was crazy, for both of them. And even more so for him. He had a wife. He didn’t seem married to her, but he was. At least he didn’t have kids. She didn’t want to be a home wrecker, but in a way she was anyway. She felt guilty and happy and excited all at once. And it was hard to resist the attention he lavished on her. He had sworn to her he had never done this before, and neither had she. She had had a boyfriend for four years in college and grad school, and they had broken up the year before. She hadn’t met anyone she cared about since.

And then he remembered something else. “What’s your address?”

“You’re coming to my house?” she asked, looking nervous, and he laughed as he put an arm around her shoulders. He would have liked to, but he knew it would be the end of his good intentions, if he did.

“No, silly. I want to send you the bookcase.” She laughed too and jotted it down for him. “I’ll see what I can do, if we have it in stock.” If they did, he was going to get a private delivery van to bring it to her. It was all he could do, a small gesture, to give her something she needed, to make her happy.

“Thank you,” she said simply.

He looked at his watch then and realized he was half an hour late for a meeting. “Lunch tomorrow?”

“I—uh—yes!” she blurted out. She wanted to see him too.

“Café Cluny,” he said quickly before she could change her mind, and kissed her lightly on the lips. He hailed a cab, which came to a screeching halt beside them, and he opened the door and got in. He was smiling at her, and she looked dazed. “See you tomorrow, one o’clock,” he called out the window, and she waved. He called the warehouse on the drive uptown. They had the bookcase. Then he called his secretary, told her to get a delivery truck, and gave her Taylor’s address. It was all taken care of in less than five minutes, and then he called her and told her about the delivery, so she could be there. “I’m sorry I was so rushed. I was late for a meeting. Thank you for meeting me for lunch. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I think you’re the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met.”

“You don’t even know me yet,” she said, sounding confused.

“I hope I will,” he said, and meant it. “See you tomorrow, Taylor.”

He rushed into the building, and slid into the meeting nearly an hour late. His brother, John, was at the conference table, but his mother wasn’t. It was a finance and design meeting, about production costs, and she wasn’t expected to attend. When they left, his brother looked at him strangely.

“Are you okay? You look weird.”

“I am weird,” he said vaguely. “Amanda got appointed to the federal bench yesterday. She’s reorganizing the world.”

“Have you calmed down about Mom?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.” But in light of what he was doing with Taylor, or might be doing, or could do, and wanted to do, his objections to Peter Williams seemed strange even to him. Maybe this was how those things happened. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about it yet. But at least he hadn’t slept with her. And he wasn’t going to until he worked this out in his head.

And when he got home that night, Amanda was making lists. For parties, for social events she wanted to attend, committees she thought she should join, things she wanted him to do.

“Did you tell your mother?” she asked as she looked up from what she was writing.

He shook his head. “I didn’t see her today.”

“You could have called her.” As far as Amanda was concerned, this was big news, and the whole world was supposed to celebrate her. She had told her partners and everyone she knew with an e-mail blast.

“I have no idea where she was,” Phillip said honestly. And with that, she handed him a list of everything he was supposed to buy, sign up for, and do. It was quite a list. He felt like he had enlisted in the marines.

He opened a bottle of champagne for her then, because he felt guilty about his lunch with Taylor. Amanda didn’t know, but he did. He handed her a glass of champagne, and she looked pleased.

“Thank you, Phillip.” He toasted her, and tried to force Taylor from his head. The image of her refused to move.

“So where did you go last night?” she finally asked him. She didn’t apologize for her comments. All she wanted to know was where he went.

“I walked all the way down to the Village, had a burger, and took a cab back.” It was true. What he didn’t tell her was that he had met the most enchanting girl he’d ever seen.

“Sorry if I pissed you off,” Amanda conceded, “but it’s true. It would look a lot better for me, and my status, if your mother made you CEO. I’d like you to ask her to do that,” Amanda said simply. She saw no reason why Olivia wouldn’t step down in order to further her daughter-in-law’s career. She saw it less as an important step for Phillip than as an accessory for her, but of course it would benefit him too. It was a win-win for them, and Olivia was of retirement age after all.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” he said coolly. “I’m sure she’d be interested to hear your ideas.”

“I think the pressure should come from you. Maybe you should threaten to quit.”

“And then what? What if she lets me? We turn the whole company upside down so you can say you’re married to a CEO? What if she fires me? Then your husband would be unemployed. That might look worse.” He was only half-joking.

“She’s not going to let you quit, Phillip. You’re her son.”

“And my mother is not going to relinquish her seat as CEO, even for you. And I’ve told you, I don’t want her job. Mine is tough enough. Hers is a lot worse. I’m in no hurry to step into her shoes, even if you think that means I have no balls. She carries more responsibility than anyone I know, in any corporation, and she does it pretty damned well. I’m not sure I could do her job. In fact, I’m sure I can’t. So that’s a problem for you. If you stick with me, all you get is a CFO. I guess that’s bad news for you.” He was being a lot tougher than he had been with her before, and he knew it was time. She had been insulting enough.

“I didn’t realize you were giving me an option clause. ‘If I stick with you.’ Is that a message, Phillip?” Her eyes narrowed as she asked.

“You always have that choice,” he said clearly.

“Is that a threat?”

“No, but I’m not going to have my life, wardrobe, and career remodeled to suit you, because you just became a judge.”

“It’s a pretty big deal,” she reminded him with a surly tone.

“Yes, it is. And I’m proud of you. But I’m not going to pay for your induction with my balls, as you put it. They belong to me, not to you. They’re not part of the deal.”

“Then what is? Are you willing to use some of the Grayson money to make contributions for me, that would help my career? That’s the least you could do, if you’re not willing to ask your mother for a better job.”

“I don’t know how much ‘Grayson money’ I could commit. My mother makes those decisions, and the board. And if they don’t like the sound of it, they don’t do it. It’s not up to me.”

“That’s what I mean, Phillip. You have no clout there at all.” She looked disgusted by what she was hearing from him.

“I have some clout, but not much. I never said I did. One day, but not now. You’re a little premature. My mother is still very much in charge.” It occurred to him as he said it that he hardly knew Taylor, but he couldn’t imagine her asking him how much “Grayson money he was willing to commit.” Even twenty years down the road he couldn’t imagine Taylor having that kind of toughness. He was astounded at Amanda’s nerve to ask.

“I think we’ll need to talk about this again,” Amanda said, with a very chilly tone in her voice.

“We can, and I’m certainly willing to, but it’s not going to get you far.” Amanda said nothing to him after that. She finished her glass of champagne and went upstairs and took a bath. They were having dinner with one of her partners that night. And when they got to the restaurant, she made him feel like a nobody. She made it clear to everyone at the table that she was the star. And Amanda referred to him several times as “only the CFO.” She was having a good time, but he was seething when they got home.

“Is that what I have to look forward to now? Humiliation whenever we go out, because you’re now a federal judge, or about to be? It’s going to be a little wearing if that’s the case.”

“Then ask your mother for a better job,” she said coldly. This was war. It was Amanda after his mother, using him as the weapon of choice. It was a miserable situation for him to be in. She was trying to pressure him into demanding the job of CEO, by humiliating him until he did. Phillip had no desire to enlist for that. Amanda didn’t know it, but she was signing her death warrant with him.

And he realized that night, when they went to bed, that they hadn’t made love since they had been on the boat. Her attitude wasn’t conducive to his wanting to make love to her. He was examining everything now, scrutinizing it under a microscope, because he had met a girl at a café the night before, but also because Amanda had been out of line for too long, and now she was worse. His mother’s concern expressed on the boat hadn’t fallen on deaf ears. She had asked if Amanda was enough for him. He no longer knew. He was asking himself that question now. He just wasn’t sure.

They didn’t say a word to each other in bed that night. She didn’t try to seduce him, nor he her. He didn’t want to give her any “rewards” for her bad behavior, and she left him so cold now he wasn’t even sure he could get it up, and he didn’t want to try. And Amanda seemed satisfied the way things were. She had intimated that she didn’t want to sleep with him until he got a better job. And he wasn’t about to be blackmailed by her. They had come to an impasse. Phillip couldn’t sleep all night and left the house for work before Amanda got out of the shower.

He was looking tense when he met Taylor for lunch that day. The night before with Amanda had left him in a bad mood. But the moment he saw Taylor, it was dispelled, and within a few minutes he was laughing with her and felt like a boy again.

“You’re amazing!” she said as soon as he arrived.

“So are you.” He was smiling at her and reached for her hand.

“No, I mean really amazing,” she said to him with wide eyes. “The bookcase arrived at six o’clock last night. And it’s perfect. The delivery guy assembled it for me, and he put it in the right place. All my books fit, and they’re off the floor. Wow! You’re a miracle worker,” she said gratefully, and he smiled. It was such a small thing to do for her, in the context of his life, and he was glad he had.

They talked about her childhood over lunch, and her parents dying in a head-on collision when she was eight. Her sister had just gotten married and she went to live with her, and stayed there until she went to college. Her brother had been sixteen and had lived with them too until he left for college two years later. She said her brother-in-law was a saint to put up with them all. And she mentioned that their family was very close. And then she asked about his. Listening to her had put his life somewhat in perspective. His mother had been away a lot, but she wasn’t dead. They weren’t orphans, they had a wonderful life, and they’d been doted on by their father and grandmother. He realized now that in contrast to her life, his had been easy. The comparison embarrassed him.

“My mom was busy a lot,” he explained, “she traveled constantly for work, so my father and grandmother brought me up most of the time. She lived with us, and my mom was home between trips. I have two sisters and a brother, and it sounds like my oldest sister is about the same age as yours, and my youngest sister, whom I don’t see anymore, is a little younger than your brother.”

“Why don’t you see her anymore?” She looked sad for him, as though it were a circumstance she couldn’t even imagine, since her family was so close, even without their parents, or maybe because of it. Phillip wondered.

“It’s a long story, but she got very upset when my father died. She was mad that my mother wasn’t there. She was away on a business trip when Dad died, so after that, my sister moved to London. She was twenty. My mother and grandmother see her when she comes to town, and my sister saw her a few years ago, I think. I haven’t seen her in about ten years. She keeps her distance. We don’t have much in common. And families are complicated sometimes.”

“I know,” she said, looking sympathetic. “I had to work after school to pay for college and graduate school. My parents’ insurance money ran out before that, and we used it to pay for my brother’s college education. But it all worked out,” she said with a sunny smile, as his heart went out to her, and he felt like a giant spoiled brat. And Amanda’s demand for a “commitment of Grayson money” for her charitable causes in order to advance socially seemed flat-out disgusting. Taylor was real, Amanda just wasn’t. And Phillip had been blessed all his life. He would have been mortified now to tell her who he was and what they had, and why the bookcase he’d had delivered to her was nothing to him, all thanks to his mother. Taylor’s life put his into perspective very quickly.

They talked about her time in the Peace Corps then, and he said he’d just been to Europe, to Italy and France. He didn’t tell her he’d been on a three-hundred-foot yacht, he just said they’d all been on a family vacation, except for his youngest sister. She was impressed that they’d all gone together. There were so many things he couldn’t tell her about his life, because if he did, she’d be shocked by the lifestyle he took for granted. He realized that as he listened to her.

And she mentioned that she was fluent in Spanish. They had almost put her in a Spanish-speaking program in Spanish Harlem. She was excited about the job she was about to start, and talked a lot about it. And he hated to leave her at the end of lunch. She said she couldn’t see him the next day. She had to go to a teacher’s orientation meeting at her new school, but she was free over the weekend. He was dying to see her, but thought he had to spend time with Amanda. He didn’t know her plans, although she was very busy right now, getting ready to leave her office, and handing off her cases to others.

“What about dinner on Monday?” Phillip asked her, and Taylor said that would be fine. “I’ll call you over the weekend if I can get away.” She grew quiet then, and he looked at her. She looked sad, and it cut through him like a knife.

“Sometimes I forget you’re married,” she said quietly.

“So do I. We have a very strange marriage. I let it get that way, and now I don’t know whether to end it or fix it.”

“You should probably fix it if you can,” she said fairly. She didn’t want to destroy his marriage, and had told him that the first day.

“I don’t know if I want to,” he was honest with her.

“Because of me or other reasons?” she asked softly.

“Both. I think I married the wrong person. I think everyone knew except me. I thought her coldness was a challenge. Now I realize it’s impossible to live with. It’s like living in an igloo.” And in the face of Taylor’s warmth, he didn’t want to try. “I’ll figure it out soon. I swear.” He needed to anyway. He couldn’t go on like this forever, and Amanda’s demands were becoming increasingly outrageous. Taylor was just making the situation more acute. She was the catalyst he hadn’t expected. But all the problems with Amanda were there, and had been for a long time, even if he hadn’t wanted to see them.

When he left Taylor, he kissed her gently on the cheek, and promised to call her over the weekend, just to say hello. And as it turned out, Amanda had planned to stay in her office and work all weekend, and hadn’t mentioned it to him. He called Taylor on Saturday afternoon, and they went for a walk in Central Park, stopped at the model boat pond, listened to several bands, and lay on the grass. She had brought a blanket with her so they could. They stayed until six o’clock, just lying there and talking, and looking up at the trees. And at one point, he rolled over on his side, propped up on his elbow and bent down to kiss her. Her lips were so soft, they seemed to melt into his. He thought he had never tasted anything so sweet in his life.

He took her back downtown then, and they had dinner at the Minetta Tavern, an old favorite of his. And then he dropped her off at her place, and went home. It was ten o’clock, and he got in five minutes before Amanda. He had just turned on the TV, and she assumed he’d been there all evening. He was in a daze after the hours he’d spent with Taylor and their kisses in the park. It suddenly made him feel crazy when he saw Amanda. His situation had become a nightmare overnight.

“Are you okay?” she asked, staring at him intently.

“I’m fine.”

“You look sick.” She could see something, but she couldn’t identify it. And she wasn’t wrong. His stomach had just turned over at the thought of what he was doing. And he didn’t want Taylor to get hurt. She didn’t deserve it. He even felt sorry for Amanda. She was being such a fool. She was playing a high-stakes game, and she was going to lose if she kept pushing.

He went to bed early that night, and fell asleep immediately, exhausted from the tension he was feeling. And when he woke up in the morning, Amanda was gone, without leaving him a note. She was completely wrapped up in her own world these days, with total disregard for him. She had waited for her appointment to the bench for a long time, and it had gone to her head completely. Her narcissism was total. There was no one but her on her planet.

He met Taylor downtown again, and they decided to do something different and fun. They pretended to be tourists in New York, which she was. They went to the top of the Empire State Building, and he kissed her there, with the city at their feet, and then they took a ride on the Staten Island Ferry. He had never had such a good time in his own city. Everything he did with her was exciting and new. And no matter how much time he spent with her, he couldn’t get enough of her. She was the drug he had become addicted to. His whole life had turned topsy-turvy in a week, and hers along with it. And she hadn’t told her family either. They were both keeping it a secret. He because he had to, and she because she knew her brother and sister wouldn’t approve. It was a strange situation for them both, and a dangerous one for her. She could easily be the one to get hurt, and they both knew it.

And the following week, they kept meeting whenever they could, lunches and dinners, and stolen moments. They went back to Central Park, and sat in Washington Square with the students. They went to the café where they’d met, and the following weekend Amanda worked again, and he spent every waking moment with Taylor. Their romance had gone on for two weeks, but they were seeing each other almost every day, and Phillip still had no idea what he was doing. Amanda appeared to be oblivious to his indifference and change of mood. Part of him wanted her to stop him before this went any further and save their marriage to prove that she loved him, and part of him hoped she wouldn’t. She had no idea what was going on and was totally self-involved, more so than ever. Her hour of glory had come. And everyone was making a fuss over her at her office. She seemed to have forgotten that Phillip existed. And he had filled the void with Taylor. She filled his heart like air in a balloon until he felt like he was going to explode with excitement.

On Sunday they went to a street fair in Little Italy, ate lemon gelato, and then walked back toward her apartment. She offered to show him the bookcase, and he felt a little foolish parading past her roommates who were all young students, but he agreed to go up for a few minutes. And when they got there, no one was home.

The apartment was small and sunny, and crowded with old fraying furniture, most of which they’d gotten at garage sales, found on the street, or bought at Goodwill. Her bookcase from The Factory looked regal compared to everything else in the apartment, and he was touched by the simplicity in which she lived. Her room was neat as a pin, and spotless. It looked like a young girl’s room. Her clothes were in the closet, carefully hung on hangers, her desk was organized, her bedspread was a pink one she’d brought from home, and there were cushions on the bed that her nieces had made her. He took her in his arms and held her as soon as they walked in. Her hair smelled as fresh as it always did, and he loved nuzzling her skin and feeling her close to him. She was wearing a halter top and a denim skirt and flip-flops, and he was wearing jeans, and before he could stop himself, he was pressing her against him, and starving to hold her naked in his arms, and all she wanted was him.

He kicked the door to her room closed behind him in case her roommates came home, and seconds later, their clothes were off, and they were engulfed in passion and couldn’t stop until their bodies had exploded together and they lay panting in each other’s arms, breathless and unable to move. Phillip had never wanted anyone as badly as he did her, and Taylor had totally abandoned herself to him. The dam had finally broken, and the flood tides couldn’t be reversed. He was so in love with her, he couldn’t think straight.

“Oh God,” he said as he rolled slowly away from her and looked into her eyes. They were the eyes of a woman surfacing slowly from the depths of passion. “I’m so sorry … I didn’t want to do that.” But they had had no choice, and they both knew it.

“I’m not sorry,” she said softly, and meant it, slowly catching her breath again. “I love you … even if you never leave Amanda. At least we’ll have had this.” And then he worried about something else.

“Are you on the Pill?” She nodded, but they had both been trusting to have unprotected sex, and neither of them was worried. Everything about this felt right. And then he realized something else as he held her close to him again. “I want babies with you,” he whispered into her neck. He had never said that to any other woman, nor wanted to. Children were the one thing he had known he didn’t want, until now with Taylor. He felt as though he had waited for her all his life. And what he had just said told him what he had to do. “I’m not going to let this thing go on like this for long. I’m going to straighten it out soon.” And she believed him. She somehow thought that he would. She trusted him completely, which was what every woman involved with a married man had thought before her, but she knew that this would be different. Phillip loved her. She was sure of it. And she loved him.

They made love again that afternoon, and he hated to leave her after he did. He went home feeling as though he had a stone in his chest, consumed with guilt. He hadn’t wanted to make love to her until he was free. And now everything was more complicated, and he had no idea what to say to Amanda or when. He took a sleeping pill before she came home that night so he didn’t have to see her.

But she was there in the morning, looking bright-eyed and excited about everything she was doing, and talking about her induction as usual. He had a headache and a hangover from the sleeping pill he’d taken the night before.

“What do you want for breakfast?” she asked him as she made toast for herself. She never made breakfast for him, and he almost said “a divorce,” but he didn’t have the guts. He had to think about what he was going to do first. He had known Taylor for two weeks, and he was about to end his marriage of nineteen years. Was he insane? Was he wrong? Was this what he had been waiting for? He no longer knew. He wasn’t in love with Amanda, but he no longer felt sane either. He felt as though he had gone crazy in the last two weeks.

“I’ll eat something at the office,” he said, and walked out of the kitchen. She was humming something when he left, and the first person he saw in the hall when he got to work was his mother. He was so distracted he walked right past her and didn’t see her. And when she called out to him, he turned around looking glazed.

“Are you all right?” she asked him with a look of concern. She had never seen him look like that, and they hadn’t spoken since their argument over Peter. “Are you sick?” She was genuinely worried, and he just shook his head.

“No … no … I’m fine … a summer cold … it’s nothing.” And then he remembered. If it hadn’t been for Taylor, he wouldn’t have said anything or understood, but who was he to cast stones now? And his mother was single—he wasn’t. “I’m sorry,” he muttered darkly.

“What about?”

“About Peter … I didn’t know … I’m sure you know what you’re doing.” She was even more worried about him after that. Phillip, the Great Carrier of Grudges for All Time, had given in far too easily. She wondered suddenly if there was trouble between him and Amanda.

“Is Amanda all right?”

“She got her appointment to the federal bench. She’s over the moon about it.”

“Congratulate her for me,” Olivia said, still searching her son’s eyes for some explanation of why he looked so ragged, but there was none, and he hurried away to his office a few minutes later, as though he were afraid to talk to his mother.

She was so worried about him that she mentioned it to Peter that night. He was sure there was some simple explanation, and he was happy to hear that he had apologized. He didn’t find that strange at all. He owed it to her.

“Maybe he’s in love,” Peter said, only half-joking. Stranger things had happened.

“Phillip?” His mother laughed at the suggestion. “It’s the one thing he’s most afraid of. He’d rather have his heart ripped out with a tweezer. I’m not sure Phillip could tolerate being loved. That’s why he married Amanda. The human iceberg. I think Phillip is afraid of feelings. He doesn’t want to be hurt or disappointed, so he stays with her and feels nothing. It’s incredibly depressing.”

“You never know, things change. Maybe one day he’ll find the right woman and leave Amanda.”

“She’s far more likely to leave him,” Olivia said bitterly, which was unusual for her, but she didn’t like Amanda, “if she finds someone with more money.” It was an ugly thing to say, but she was convinced it was true.

She continued to worry about Phillip, but she was busy. A strike at one of their Texas stores had turned ugly, and there was the threat of looting. They had had to hire security guards and close the store temporarily and she wasn’t pleased. Peter had convinced her not to go there herself, he didn’t want her to get hurt, and for once she agreed.

She stopped at a bookstore a few days later, to pick up some books Peter said he wanted, and she was reading the flap copy of a novel for herself when she glanced up and saw Phillip walk into the store, with a pretty young woman. She looked half his age and was gazing at him adoringly. And Phillip looked besotted. Olivia stared at them in disbelief, and then darted behind a bookshelf so they wouldn’t see her. And then he kissed her. Olivia suddenly understood why he had backed down about Peter. She wondered if this was serious or just a fling. She had no way of knowing, and she didn’t want to ask him. She waited until they left, paid for her books, and called Peter as soon as she left the store and told him what she’d seen.

“I told you he was in love,” Peter said, chuckling.

“I don’t know if he’s in love or having an affair, but I hardly recognized him. He looks crazy about her. She looks very young and she’s very pretty.” But now she was even more worried about him. If his wife found out, it was liable to get ugly. And expensive.

“He’s a big boy, Olivia,” Peter reminded her. “He’ll figure this one out for himself.”

“I suppose so, but he certainly wasn’t being discreet. He kissed her right in the bookstore. Anyone could have seen them,” just as she did. Even Amanda, if she had walked in.

“Maybe he’s serious about her,” Peter suggested.

“I don’t know what I wish,” Olivia said with a sigh. “I’d hate to see him go through a divorce, but I’d hate like hell to have him spend the rest of his life with the ice queen. He deserves so much better.”

“Then maybe he’ll get it,” Peter said simply. “He’ll do whatever seems right to him. Now when are you coming home for dinner?” He had gotten to Bedford before she did and was cooking dinner.

“As soon as I can get there. I stopped to pick up the books you wanted, which was when I saw Phillip.” She was already driving home.

“Well, never mind him, get your ass home, woman. I miss you.”

“All right, I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she said, smiling. They hung up, and she got on the highway, and was home less than an hour later. As she pulled into her driveway, it was nice to see the house all lit up and know that Peter was waiting for her. She was lucky she had him, and she knew it. And all she wanted for her son was that one day he’d find the love of a good woman, one warmer and kinder than Amanda. And all she could do now was wait to see what would happen. Life was even stranger than fiction.