Shallow Breath

20

Desi




On the night of the argument, Hester tries again and again to speak to Desi, but she has wedged furniture against the door of her room. She is finished with talking. She doesn’t want to understand her parents’ point of view; she does not want a reason to excuse or condone them as they stand by and watch Rick tear his family to pieces. It is wrong, and should be stopped. Where can she have learnt this from, she wonders, if not from them?

She cannot sleep that night. Thoughts swirl around her head like a vicious tide. She has always known that her father is impassive and implacable, but her mother has shocked her. Hester is the most compassionate person she knows, and yet to defer to Charlie in this … well, perhaps she is weaker than Desi had realised.

Charlie’s words are ringing in her ears:… you’re nothing but a stupid little girl. How relieved she is that they have no inkling of Connor and his offer; that she can hang on to her escape route and keep it undamaged by their slurs. While Charlie had never befriended her, she hadn’t realised he thought so little of her. It surprises her how much it hurts.

Eventually she falls asleep for a little while, but wakes soon after dawn has broken. Hester knocks at the bedroom door. ‘I’ve made you some toast and tea,’ she says. ‘Your dad will take you down to the cafe when you’re ready. He didn’t mean what he said last night. Try to let it go.’

Her words grate on Desi even further. If Charlie didn’t mean it, why doesn’t he tell her that himself? The way her mother speaks to her, with that wheedling tone, it’s as though she thinks Desi is the one being unreasonable. She is glad that Jackson has already gone to school. Out of all of them, he is the only one she would have difficulty facing this morning.

In the car, they sit in stony silence, until Charlie flicks through the radio stations and finds one of his contemptible country channels. He is probably playing it to annoy her. In her wildest dreams she had hoped he would apologise, but it’s soon clear that he has no intention of doing so. She hugs her rucksack to herself. Neither parent has realised it is larger than usual. Neither parent looks hard enough at her any more to notice these things.

Desi goes about her chores in the cafe quietly that morning. She will have to post a letter of apology to Rachel, who has always been kind to her and doesn’t know she’s about to be abandoned. But Desi is determined not to stay under the same roof as her father for another night.

She is planning to leave at lunchtime, while she has a few hours of light to help her on the first leg of the journey, but then Rebecca comes into the cafe.

‘Do you want to have lunch?’

Desi doesn’t want to raise her suspicions by saying no when she has no reason to. They go and sit together on the wall behind the shops, overlooking the marina.

Two dolphins surface in unison. ‘I wonder how they feel about being back,’ Rebecca says, before taking a bite of her sandwich.

Desi shrugs. ‘Perhaps they’re disappointed that the gate is closed again. Or maybe they’re happy to be safe. But it makes me sad watching them. Their adventure’s over. The rest of their life is predictable.’

‘I don’t know,’ Rebecca says. ‘At least they’ll get regular meals and veterinary care. Who knows where the others are now. They might be dead. Predictable is surely better than that.’

They are silent for a while as they eat. ‘Your mother was at our house for a while last night…’ Desi says eventually. ‘Until your dad came to fetch her. Is she okay?’

‘Don’t, Desi.’ Rebecca will not look at her. Instead, she picks up the wrapper of her sandwich and screws it up tight. ‘I’ve got to get back now,’ she says. ‘I’ll come down again tomorrow, see if you’re around.’

And she walks away.

Desi remains sitting near the marina for another few minutes. Why does Rebecca keep rejecting her help? Why are all the people she knows burying their heads in the sand, while Rick gets away scot-free? How do they live with their consciences? And how will she live with hers, if she joins them?

She would stay if there was anything she could do. But she has spent years encouraging Rebecca to talk, and nothing changes. Rebecca has been dating Theo for a few weeks; perhaps he will have more success. As for Desi, it is time to put herself first.

Yes, she says to herself, breathing in deeply. You are doing the right thing, Desi. Be strong.

She takes a final glance at the dolphins, and tries to be happy that they are going to be looked after for the rest of their lives. It won’t sink in; she cannot feel uplifted. She picks up her bag and walks quickly away from the shopping centre, towards the main road out of town.




It is a long trek along Breakwater Drive to Wanneroo Road, and Desi is soaked with sweat by the time she reaches it. She has never hitched before, and it is hard to pluck up the nerve to begin sticking her thumb out as the trucks approach. She has heard too many stories to believe this is a good idea, but she has no other choice.

Her first ride is with an old-timer called Harry, and he berates her all the way for hitching alone. Taking her under his wing, when they reach a rest stop he speaks to other drivers and arranges the remainder of her journey as far as the Overlander, the outback roadhouse six hundred kilometres from Perth that marks the turn-off towards the Shark Bay peninsula and Monkey Mia. By the time she sets off on the second leg, darkness has fallen and she tries to sleep. There is one hard bump as they speed along, and she opens her eyes.

‘What was that?’ she asks the driver, who she can barely make out beyond a bulky silhouette.

‘If I stopped for roos, I’d never get there,’ he snaps.

She shivers, tries not to think about it. But she cannot sleep again. Instead, she witnesses the headlights picking out dead marsupials that line the verges like macabre route markers, their bodies ravaged by scavenging birds, leaving only empty pockets of fur and whitened bones.

The Overlander is just a servo with a rugged campsite, but when they arrive there late she is grateful to get some hot food. She lies down on a bench, and a tourist couple take pity on her and offer for her to go with them up Shark Bay Road to Denham as soon as it’s light. It is only a couple of hours’ journey, but she is glad to get out of their car, since the man drives terrifyingly fast with their stereo on full volume. On the last part of the trip, she takes the morning supply truck between the town of Denham and Monkey Mia. She had expected more questions, but people here are accepting. ‘So you’re on the dolphin pilgrimage?’ asks the woman as they head out of town, and when she says yes it seems nothing else needs to be said, and they travel in comfortable silence.

Desi is dirty and exhausted by the time she is dropped off at the caravan park. It is still early morning, and the office isn’t open yet, so she can’t even ask for Connor. She hurries down to the beach, unsure whether her legs are trembling from tiredness or something else. Now she has reached her destination, the whole trip seems crazy. She has so little money that if she can’t find Connor she will probably have to turn around and go straight home this afternoon.

She wanders down to the beach, where a few people are already in the shallows. She sits on the cool sand and watches the water. She is so, so tired, and slowly she drifts off.

She is woken by a shout. ‘They’re here!’

Desi opens her eyes to see more people arriving at the water’s edge. Excitement douses her drowsiness. She leaves her pack on the sand and walks down towards the sea.

There in the shallows, the water less than knee-deep and clear as polished glass, a large silver-grey dolphin is lolling on its side, one small, very human-like eye perusing the people above her. As Desi joins the group, the dolphin glides slowly past her legs, close enough to touch, and for a moment Desi is the focus of this languid assessment. As more people join in, the dolphin continues to swim up and down the line. A few people reach out to touch her, which she doesn’t seem to mind until one person gives her an affectionate rub on the head. She jerks away, lifts her tail and slaps it against the water, and then swims to join three more dolphins who wait in parallel lines beyond reach.

‘You know what’s special about this place?’ says a voice behind her. ‘Every day that they come in here, it’s their choice.’ She turns around to see Connor smiling at her. ‘I thought it was you,’ he says. ‘You look … exhausted.’

She is so relieved to see him. Her heart races as she musters a nervous smile in return. ‘I came to see if the research assistant position is still open.’ Behind her back, she crosses her fingers.

Connor glances at a tall young man standing next to him. ‘I guess you’ll have to ask my current research assistant about that,’ he laughs. ‘Desi… this is Pete.’