Shallow Breath

18

Desi




It is January 1992, and through Christmas and New Year Desi has not stopped thinking about Connor’s offer. Once he is gone, distance lets the doubts set in. Does he mean it? She hardly knows him, and his conversation is hard to read. What if he had been teasing her? Is she being naive? Would she call the caravan site only to hear him laugh at her?

Even if he was serious, it has been weeks since she saw him – has she left it too late already?

And yet, as she takes orders and wipes down tables, she keeps asking herself, what if this is her ticket out of here? She can all too easily picture herself on a boat with Connor in golden sunshine, a dozen dolphins leaping and frolicking around them.

She tells no one about the offer, hiding her secret away as tight as an oyster guards its treasure. She desperately wants to share it with her mother, or Rebecca, but she knows they will mar the dream with practicalities. Neither of them will want her to go; they will only begin thinking of ways to persuade her to stay, and she is worried she will be swayed by their entreaties. She fears that they might actually be able to talk her out of it.

The way she is thinking surprises her. It is as though her mind is already made up – but if that is the case, then why isn’t she doing anything about it? It is as if she is standing high on a precipice, trying to see through the surface of the rippling, beckoning water beneath her. Waiting for some sign before she jumps.

The days slowly lose their charm, rolling on in monotonous sunshine, until Desi finds herself praying for a storm. For the first few weeks of the year, it is as though she is split in two. Her body operates on automatic pilot, fulfilling her shifts at the cafe, visiting friends, going down to the marina to watch the dolphins. But her mind is elsewhere, skimming the sea, or eyeing the telephone, asking, Dare I? Dare I?

In the end, two things push her into a decision. The first happens on the morning of 13 January, when Rebecca knocks on the door of the closed cafe in obvious excitement, soon after eight o’clock, when they are still setting up for the day.

‘They’ve opened the gates,’ she announces.

Desi looks behind her to her boss, Rachel, who nods. She pulls off her apron and runs with Rebecca down to the quayside. The crowd is gathering; the locals don’t want to miss the send-off.

Desi is full of the emotion of the moment. She thinks of all the years, all the shows, all the people who have met and loved these beautiful creatures, whose good will travels with this little group into the deep, dark waters of the Indian Ocean. She hopes that it might make a difference somehow, buoy them up and lend them strength on their journey. She glances towards the trainers watching on one side, who have put months of energy into the build-up to today. She tries to imagine what they are going through as they stand together in a group, talking and waiting.

The dolphins are circling close to the open gate, but none of them gives any sign of venturing through. Desi shades her eyes and waits, Rebecca next to her.

‘Why won’t they go?’ Rebecca asks.

‘I don’t know,’ Desi replies. But then she imagines herself with them in the cloudy water, sensing not only freedom but the danger of the unknown. Do they comprehend that once they go through there may be no going back?

Desi waits for half an hour, but doesn’t want to leave Rachel alone once the cafe is open. She trudges reluctantly back to work, after Rebecca promises to update her if anything happens. For once, her morning isn’t filled with thoughts of Connor’s offer but of the dolphins a few metres away, plucking up courage.

Rebecca comes in a couple of hours later. ‘They’ve taken the boat out, tried to entice them through the gate with fish, but they don’t seem that interested,’ she said. ‘The young ones swam about fifty metres, and then swam back. I’ve heard that they’ll leave the gate open now – they’re free to go when they’re ready. Perhaps they’ll just stay close to the marina.’

‘I don’t think the trainers want that – it’s dangerous for the dolphins to hang around when there are lots of boats in the area,’ Desi answers. But she is glad to hear they are still there. She knows it can’t go on forever, that this is the beginning of the end, but she is grateful they are safe for a little while longer.




‘There’s still something fishy about freedom’, shouts the front page of The West Australian newspaper the next day, with a picture of one of the dolphins appearing to smile for the camera. As people realise their release will not be as punctual or coordinated as one of their shows, the excitement dies down, and progress reports begin to come in snatches. First, Rajah leaves on his own. Two days after that, the rest follow the boat out. They split into smaller groups, and the trainers begin the busy work of trying to track the dolphins by boat, plane and reported sightings as they swim free.

Once they’ve gone, Desi keeps up with the news as best she can, though it isn’t hard in the first weeks, since the dolphins are a popular topic in the cafe. There are some triumphs. The juveniles are sighted with pods of wild dolphins. Frodo and Nero are two hundred kilometres further south, playing with people on a beach at Dwellingup. But then disturbing reports begin to trickle in. Mila and her calf are spotted forty kilometres away at Hillarys, both losing body weight fast. And Echo is in trouble nearby, begging for fish and beaching herself at Ocean Reef. She is the first dolphin returned to the sea pen, quickly joined by Rajah, who has reappeared in poor condition after his extended sortie up the coast. Two weeks later, Mila is recaptured too, after her calf disappears. They are a rag-tag three, milling about in confined space again, as those in charge decide what to do with them.

In the cafe, as the days go by, Desi hears about them less and less. Immigration is the new dish du jour, after a boat full of refugees made landfall in the Kimberley. The group stumbled around undiscovered in the desert for days before two of them eventually reached an outback station. They are now in custody, while emergency services try to locate the rest.

But then the rumours begin – the three dolphins in the sea pen are to go to a nearby aquarium at Hillarys marina. As it becomes substantiated, a petition begins to keep them in Two Rocks. ‘They are our dolphins,’ Desi hears a few people say. ‘They cannot take them.’



January spills over into February, and still she waits. She has left it too late now, surely. She develops a strange obsession with the telephone, urging it to ring, pretending she doesn’t know that it has to be her that takes the first step. She spends her days sweating in the cafe: it is still so warm. When will the weather break?




After the long build-up, the storm is swift and unrelenting. The rain is ruthless, turning the roads into paddling pools within hours. After work, Charlie collects her in his ute and they drive home in silence, the water tracing rivers down the windscreen in the dim light. Charlie’s face is grim, while Desi is praying they make it all the way down the track – she can’t think of anything worse than getting bogged with her father in the twilight.

About halfway along, another ute catches up and begins to tail them, its lights bouncing into their car in the gloom. Desi twists around to see it driving far too close, and glances at her father. She notices his eyes flicking towards his rear-view mirror, but he doesn’t say anything, nor does he speed up or slow down. His jaw is a fixed line as he stares hard ahead.

The ute keeps up its tailgating all the way along the track to the house. As they pull up, Desi hears the harsh slam of a door before she has managed to get out the car, and then Rick is stomping towards them.

‘Where is she?’ he roars, marching up the steps and barging into the house, the stench of stale beer trailing in his wake.

Charlie ambles after him – much too slowly, Desi thinks. Fear makes her unsteady on her feet as she runs up the steps to the verandah, out of the rain. She can already hear raised voices inside.



‘Get out here, woman! Get in the car now!’

There is no way Desi is going in there. She tries to hide around the corner of the house, but she cannot miss what is happening.

Rick bangs through the door, dragging Marie after him, his fingers digging into her arm. She has curled into herself, cowering, but Desi still spots the livid bruise on her cheek. Next comes Charlie, then Hester, in tears.

In wretched silence, Rick hauls Marie to his ute and pushes her in. He marches round to the driver’s side and climbs up. The tyres spin as he reverses, mud splashing from the wheels, and they are gone.

Desi is astounded. Last time she had borne witness to Rick’s brutality, at least Marie had fought. This time she acquiesced without a word. Not only that, she’s shocked at her parents for letting them go. But they will do something now, surely. After years of holding the knowledge to herself, she is so relieved that she’s no longer alone with it.

‘Go after him, Charlie,’ Hester begs.

Charlie checks around the campsite, as though to see who might be watching, but the rain means most people are cowering inside.

‘Not my problem,’ he replies, and disappears through the door.

Hester stares at Desi, her face full of anguish.

‘Mum … do something,’ Desi pleads, thinking of Rebecca at home, unaware of what is hurtling her way.

But Hester bows her head, then goes to follow her husband.

‘Mum!’

Hester turns back. ‘What can I do, Desi?’

Desi moves closer. ‘Call someone. Call the police. If they go round there and see him drunk and in a rage, they might be able to stop him.’



And then a deep voice comes from the doorway. ‘Stay out of it, both of you. I mean it.’

Shocked, Desi turns to face her father. She can see Jackson behind him, his worried eyes flitting from Desi to his mother for guidance.

‘It’s none of our business, Desi,’ he says, before walking off again.

Desi is overcome with rage, racing after her father through the kitchen and into the living room.

‘Desi …’ her mother’s warning tone trails after her, but it sounds very far away.

‘Dad, it’s been going on for ages. He’ll hurt her. I’ve seen it. Rebecca sometimes has bruises too. Marcus as well, probably. Please … we have to help them.’

Her dad shows no surprise at what she’s saying, just flicks the television on and sits down in his armchair. ‘We will not get involved, do you hear me?’

Desi cannot believe it. She opens her mouth without thinking. ‘You disgust me,’ she says levelly, hands on hips, pinning him with a stare full of enmity.

She hears her mother’s intake of breath. At the doorway, Jackson begins to cry and Hester hurries him away.

As soon as they have gone, Charlie gets up and comes close to her, grips her by the arms, his fingers pincering her flesh. ‘You think you know everything, Desi, but you’re nothing but a stupid little girl, obsessed by playing mermaids with a bunch of dolphins. This is the real world. It’s about time you joined us, and stopped meddling in other people’s business. Find something useful to do with yourself, for Christ’s sake. You can start right now by getting out of my sight.’