Shadow in Serenity

thirty-six


Logan was the life of Jason’s party, and as Carny videotaped his shenanigans with the children, she realized she wouldn’t have expected otherwise.

“Do it again, Logan!”

“Throw me!”

“It’s my turn, Logan!”

The children’s happy voices rang out over the music playing at the picnic table as they jumped on the trampoline Carny had given Jason for his birthday. Without inhibition, Logan bounced on the trampoline, dribbling the kids like basketballs.

Not once had he seemed nervous about the fact that she was taping him — and he wasn’t embarrassed about looking foolish — but later when they assembled the children around the picnic table to cut the cake, when she got her camera and began flashing pictures, she noted a touch of apprehension. Logan managed to escape most of the pictures she took, and when she cornered him, he shoved on a pair of big nose glasses she had given as party favors, and evaded the camera once again.

Annoyed, she finally got him alone. “Tell me something, Logan. Why don’t you want me to take your picture?”

“Because I’m not very photogenic,” he said. “The pupils of my eyes always come out with this demonic red glow. And I have that old superstition about photography stealing your soul.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“What’s the big deal? You got a picture of me in Houston.”

“It didn’t come out,” she said. “I accidentally deleted it.”

“Likely story.”

“Let me get a picture of you and Jason together now. It would mean a lot to him. All I want to do is put it up in his room.”

“Now who’s being dishonest?” His amusement faded, and he gave her a sober look that spoke volumes. “You want it so you can check me out. Do you want a fingerprint while you’re at it? How about my dental records?”

She set her hand on her hip. “Do you have them?”

“No, Carny. Do you have yours?”

“Well … no.”

“All right, then.” She felt a wall going up between them, and she didn’t like it. Finally, he said, “Go ahead. Take the picture. I don’t have anything to hide. You’ve got me all over that videotape.”

Backing away, she brought the camera to her eye. “Smile, Logan. Act like you’re having fun.”

Logan forced a smile, and she flashed a few pictures in a row. Finally, she lowered the camera. “Thank you.”

His smile disappeared, and a melancholy seemed to fall over him. For a while, he sat on a lawn chair away from the kids. She didn’t like the change, and she kicked herself for bringing it on. Finally, when he got up to help her clean the picnic table of plates and cups, he stopped her and made her look at him. “Tell me something, Carny. You do believe me about the park now, don’t you? You don’t think I’m going to skip town with all this money anymore.”

“You still could,” she said. When he sighed, she wanted to take her words back. “But no, I’m not expecting it anymore.”

“Then why do you want my picture?”

“I’d just like a keepsake. I take pictures of all my friends. If you don’t have anything to hide, then I don’t get why you’re hiding from the camera.”

“I’m just disappointed that you’re still trying to see if I’m on the Top Ten Most Wanted list.”

She tossed the last of the plates into a garbage bag and put it into her garbage can. “Other people don’t worry about pictures, Brisco. You sound worried.”

“Carny, what if people held your past against you? Reminded you of it every time you turned around? Never trusted you because they knew what you were before? What if they spent a lot of time digging up your dirt and made lists of all the scams you helped pull off?”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Yes, you are, even though you know people can change.”

“So you are avoiding having your picture taken?”

He rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. “You know what? Be my guest. Take a picture and send it all over the country. Make billboards of it. Put it on YouTube, if you have nothing better to do with your time.”

A football rolled to his feet, and he reached down and scooped it up. “They’re calling me,” he said, and headed back to the boys.


That night when Logan was alone, his mask fell, and the nonchalance he’d feigned about being photographed began to weigh heavily on his mind. He should have known he couldn’t stop her attempts to photograph him forever. That was probably the only reason she’d invited him to Jason’s party.

And he’d believed it was because she wanted him there.

Jack hopped up onto the bed next to him, and Logan stroked his rich coat. “Don’t worry, Jack. Logan Brisco doesn’t have a record. But if they match my picture to Lawrence Cartland …”

Here he was, on the verge of doing something legitimate, something that he was pulling off with hard work, ingenuity, and the talent that he’d used to the wrong end so many times before. Carny was beginning to trust him, and that was one of the biggest victories in his life. But it was a hollow victory.

If she sent that picture in to the police, and they shared it with the FBI, someone might make the connection. If the FBI heard he was at it again, they’d come after him and blow his cover, ruining the one shot he had at legitimacy. He had already served time for his previous crimes, but if they thought he was committing fraud again, they’d consider it a parole violation.

In the interest of starting an honest life, he considered breaking into Carny’s house and deleting the video and pictures again. But that was absurd.

He threw his arm over his eyes and tried to imagine how she would feel if the FBI came to her and told her that she had been right to suspect him. That he’d even served time for his sins?

The times they had shared would seem like another con to her. The conversations they’d shared, the camaraderie, the laughter … it would all seem cruel. She deserved so much better.

For the first time in his life, he wished he could erase his past. The time with Montague, when he’d learned how to be a criminal. The people he’d hurt, despite Montague’s rules. Those rules — what a joke. The people they’d scammed were people just like these in Serenity. Though Montague assured himself that no one was really getting hurt, they’d always known better. They just wouldn’t let themselves think about it.

The fortune the Feds had taken from him when he went to prison had paid restitution to most of those people, but the pain of what the scams had done to their lives was only hitting him now. Seeing those crimes through Carny’s eyes made them all seem so much more real. If she learned about his past, she would realize that she’d been right about him all along. She would feel as if she had been fleeced — and why? Because she’d let down her guard. She would hate herself for getting close to him.

She deserved a decent man who could make her proud. Not some ex-con who had deceived her from the start.

Jack slid off the bed and ambled to the door. “Need to go out, boy? All right. I need some air anyway.”

Logan opened the door and walked Jack out. The dog needed no leash. He went where he wanted to go, avoiding the streets and staying close to Logan. But having no leash also gave Jack freedom, if he chose to take it. If he wanted to run away, he could.

That was how Logan had been with Montague.

For the first time, he realized that Montague had taken a huge risk in taking in a young runaway. It had broken his own rules, making it more likely that he could be identified. Yes, Montague had reaped the benefits of having Logan helping him. But taking responsibility for a kid was a huge commitment for him.

Truth was, Logan had been scamming people before he’d met Montague, so he couldn’t blame his mentor for turning him into a criminal. He’d known right from wrong. He’d voluntarily gone along with Montague’s crimes because he liked making money. Like Jack, he could have left at any time. But even before Montague died, it had been a lonely life. Ironic that he’d found a place where he wasn’t lonely and wanted to plant roots, but his own sins were going to keep him from it. Carny would find out the truth, and he would lose everything. There would be no redemption in her eyes.

He walked up the street, Jack sniffing and scampering along beside him. He passed the hardware store and the barbershop and Lahoma’s hair salon and felt a longing in his soul to do the right thing for those people. He was trying to turn their investments into something that would make life better for them. But it was about to blow to pieces.

He was tired of running. Tired of lying. Tired of faking it.

He reached the church, its steeple illuminated on the dark street. He sat down on a bench near it, watching Jack explore the bushes.

When Carny had come here with Abe Sullivan, had she told people straight out who she’d been? Did they all know of her colorful lifestyle right up front? Or had she felt like he felt tonight? Worried that people would find out and run her out of town?

She talked about being washed clean and forgiven. But was there such a thing available for him? No, of course not.

Jack came and lay down at his feet, but Logan didn’t want to go back to the inn just yet. His eyes strayed to the cemetery where Slade Hampton lay. Had Jack forgotten that they’d planted his master in the ground there? Or was he simply aware that Slade wasn’t really there, in the ground, that his body was just an empty shell?

He’d seldom considered it before, but as he sat outside the church that taught of redemption, he wondered if it could be true. They had talked about Slade’s soul going to heaven. The people in this town seemed to believe it, and as innocent and naive as they were, they weren’t stupid.

He looked up at the steeple, then beyond it to the stars sprinkled so beautifully across the sky. The universe was an artist’s canvas, so carefully crafted.

“I wish you were real,” he said to the sky. “That you really could wash me clean. That a person like me could really start over and live in this town, and have a woman like Carny, and be a father to a boy like Jason. But there isn’t enough water in all the world to wash me clean of the stains on my soul, is there?”

As if in answer to his prayer, he saw a star shoot across the sky. He caught his breath. Was that a sign, sent by a benevolent God who heard his prayer? No, it couldn’t be. As much as he wanted it, he knew better. It was just a meteor.

Tears filled his eyes, and he dropped his gaze and leaned forward, elbows on knees, and looked at the sign for Deep Waters Christian Church, illuminated with two spotlights. There was a verse beneath the name, something he hadn’t noticed before. He sat up and squinted, reading. “Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Water. He looked back at the sky, struck by the words. Was that the water that would wash him clean?

Somehow, deep in his spirit, he knew the answer. He’d been right that there wasn’t enough water on all the earth to wash him clean. The water that would wash him clean wasn’t earthly water. It was divine.

He memorized the reference — John 4:13. Maybe there was a Bible in his room.

“Come on, Jack,” he said. “Let’s go back.”

His pace was faster, more purposeful, as he headed back to his room.

When Jack was back on his bed, Logan pulled out the bed-table drawer. As he’d expected, he found a Gideon Bible there. He consulted the table of contents, found John, and read in the fourth chapter of a woman who met Jesus beside a well as she was drawing water.

She too was someone stained with sin, yet Jesus had given her hope. He’d given her living water. He hadn’t turned away.

Maybe there was hope for Logan too.

Fresh tears assaulted him as he sat beside his bed and spoke directly to the redeemer of his soul. “I’m sorry I’m a cheat and a liar,” he whispered. “But since you’re my only hope, I’m going to trust that you’re real. If you could just wash me clean …”

To his amazement, he did feel something happening. A lifting of guilt. A cleansing. A lightness in his soul. Tears rolled down his face. It was real. His mother had known it when she’d taken him to Sunday School all those years ago. Maybe from her place in heaven, she was bending God’s ear, begging him to direct her son. Maybe that was why he’d wound up in Serenity after all.

But believing he was clean wasn’t enough. There were things he had to do to make it right. It was time to tell the truth.