Shadow in Serenity

seventeen


Carny pulled her motorcycle into Logan’s motel parking lot, pulled off her helmet, and straightened her hair.

She didn’t like being confused. It disturbed her, and it blurred the lines and grayed all the colors. It made her feel unbearably vulnerable.

But these new developments with Logan had thrown her. How could a con artist give back a hundred thousand dollars that no one even knew he had? How could he take up the care of a grieving dog, when he had to stay on the run?

In the hours since the funeral, the remote possibility that Carny could have been wrong about Logan had tiptoed through her mind, then finally taken center stage, forcing her to come face-to-face with it. No matter what else he was, Logan Brisco was a man with a heart, as well as a conscience.

He didn’t answer immediately after she knocked. Just when she was about to give up, the door opened.

The room was dark, lit only by a small lamp in one corner. She felt like an intruder. “Carny,” he said, clearly surprised.

“Did I wake you up?” she asked.

He ran his fingers through his hair. “No. I was just reading. Jack was asleep in my lap, and it took me a minute to move him.”

She came into the room and saw Jack, curled up on the bed, looking up at her with sad, sleepy eyes. “Is he all right?”

“He will be. We’ve kind of been bonding.”

She smiled and turned back to him. With his face half in shadow, half in light, he looked almost compassionate, and almost as vulnerable as she felt. “You know, you’re blowing all my theories about you. I hate it when that happens.”

He breathed a laugh. “Well, I guess something good came out of all this.” He went to clear the books off a chair so she could sit down. “Where’s Jason?”

“He’s at Nathan’s. I had to go over to Betsy’s to take her some casseroles I made. She’s going to have a lot of company for the next few days.”

“That was sweet.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what you do in Serenity when there’s a death in the family. You don’t know what to say, so you bring them food. Anyway, she asked me to send all this stuff over to you.”

She handed him the bag, and he reached into it.

“It’s just Jack’s food and the blanket he likes to sleep on, and his bowl. Familiar things … to make the transition a little easier.”

Logan took the bag and set it down on the table. “I fed him a hamburger for supper. He ate some of it, but he didn’t have much appetite.” Dropping into his chair, he rubbed his face.

“A lot of responsibility, isn’t it?” she said softly. “I mean, after being alone for so long, suddenly having to worry about someone else.”

She could see that he was in a reflective mood, and his guard was down. Why that fascinated and attracted her, she wasn’t sure.

“A few years ago, I knew a fourteen-year-old kid who had no home, no place to go, and no money except what he could make hustling pool,” he said softly. “And someone came along, at just the right moment, someone who had every reason to keep going and not look back. But he stopped and took that fourteen-year-old kid in, made him his partner, and taught him to believe he was somebody. You know who that kid was?”

“You,” she said without a doubt.

“Yeah. And if Montague Shelton could encumber himself with a fourteen-year-old runaway, then I can take care of an orphaned dog.”

For a moment, Carny couldn’t think of a reply. His eyes were weary and defeated.

“Tell me about your parents,” he said suddenly.

She couldn’t tell if he was changing the subject, or if it was connected. “What do you want to know?”

“Are they still living? Do you see them? Talk to them?”

“Yes, on all three,” she said. “I may have wanted to escape their lifestyle, but they’re still my parents.”

“Do they approve of your becoming an upstanding citizen?”

“I’m not sure they believe I have,” she said with a rueful smile. “I think they’re a little doubtful that things will work out for me.”

“Do they love you?”

Her smile faded. “Of course they do. I’m their daughter.”

“Lots of parents don’t love their children.”

“Well, mine do. I’m their only child. There was never any question that they loved me.”

“Then why did you leave?”

Sighing, she got up and walked across the room, then turned back to him. “We came to Serenity, and set up next to this little church. It was really cold one Sunday morning, so I went in to get warm. And what I heard there changed my life.”

“What did you hear?”

“That to Jesus, I’m not just the inconvenient daughter of petty thieves. I could be the child of a king. They told me I could be forgiven for everything I’d ever done. That I could have peace.” She blew out a laugh. “That’s when I started to dream … that I could have a real home, and real friends, that I could stay in one place, and belong there, and raise my children to belong. When Abe came along, he said all the right things. He seemed like a man who cared about the same things, and could give me those things. So I married him and stayed in Serenity. The marriage turned out to be a bad idea, but staying in Serenity was just right.”

“I envy you,” he said.

“Why? You can do the same thing.”

“Not really. I’ll always be an outsider.”

“It doesn’t take a lot to be an insider in Serenity,” she said. “They’re very accepting people. You’ve already seen that.”

Sliding down in his seat, he leaned his head back. “Do you ever miss it, Carny? Traveling, I mean? Do you ever miss the gypsy life?”

“Never. I spent too many years wishing for a backyard where I could plant a tree and watch it grow. The first year I had my house, I planted three trees in the yard. In a few years, they’ll be big enough to climb.”

“But what about your husband? Being a widow wasn’t part of your plan.”

She sighed. “No, it wasn’t. But you know how it goes. You make lemonade.”

Again, that contemplative silence filled the room, and she wondered what he was thinking. Her eyes roved around the room and landed on the books he had stacked on the table. She scanned the titles; they all had to do with amusement parks.

“Why all the reading?” she asked.

“Just trying to anticipate any problems that might come up,” he said. “It’s kind of like comparing notes with others. I was particularly interested in seeing how other parks have affected the communities around them.”

Again, she was at a loss. His interest indicated that he was sincere, that he wasn’t a fraud, that he had every intention of building a park.

But her instincts said otherwise.

As if he could read her conflicting thoughts in her expression, he asked, “What are you thinking?”

She sat back down. “Oh … I was just thinking that my parents have good hearts. My father used to have a miniature horse he exhibited in a freak show, and he sometimes let it in our trailer when it was cold out. And lots of times I’ve seen him give a kid a free teddy bear for his girlfriend, just to help him earn points with her.”

“What’s your point?” he asked, as if he knew that it somehow related to him.

“My point, Brisco, is that compassion doesn’t necessarily preclude fraudulent behavior. A con artist can save a cat from a burning building one minute, then turn around and rob someone blind in the next minute, without one stirring of conscience. That you may have a good heart doesn’t mean that you’re a good person.”

“It doesn’t mean I’m a bad one, either.”

“No, it doesn’t,” she said. “And there’s the problem. I’m having trouble deciding which you are.”

“Maybe you just need more data,” he suggested quietly.

“Maybe so,” she said with a smile. She stood up. “Well, I have to go now. I have to get Jason to bed.”

He got up and walked her to the door and paused a moment before opening it for her. “I like you like this,” he said.

“Like what?”

“Sweet, soft, gentle … even if you are still suspicious.”

She didn’t like the warmth burning on her face. “I’ve got to go now. You are coming to the lesson tomorrow, aren’t you? It’ll be the first one in the cockpit.”

“Jack and I will be there,” he said.

“Jack’s already taken the course,” she said. “I taught Slade two years ago. Jack has enough hours in the air to get his own license.” Then, winking, she said, “See you later.”

As she walked out to her bike, she felt him watching her, and her face warmed again. She didn’t look back until she was on the motorcycle, pulling out of her space.

Logan was leaning on the rail above her, watching as she drove out of sight.