‘Are you OK, Carmel?’
Carmel Costello looked around her sadly. The room was beautiful, it was something most women could only dream of. She had walked into this room once and felt that she had finally got it all, had finally made it. Yet it meant nothing to her now, at this moment in her life. It was as if the house, the cars, the lifestyle she craved were nothing more than an illusion because, until tonight, she had never felt such acute loneliness. Patrick had disappeared and left her alone at his own party, and that had hurt her more than she had thought possible.
Oh, everyone was enjoying themselves and they would assume that Patrick, being Patrick, had important business to attend to; it wasn’t in any way a slur on her. But it had hurt. Being left alone for so long and putting on a brave face was difficult when all she really wanted to do was stab him through the heart. She had not realised how much she had wanted him to be beside her, how much that would have meant to her.
It was nice being comforted by young Josephine. She believed the girl meant well and wouldn’t broadcast every word spoken by her to the nation. She could trust her, she felt that and, for the first time in years, she let herself say what she really meant – she needed to get it off her chest.
‘I’ll be all right in a minute, Josephine. It’s just sometimes I could kill Patrick. He’s left me out there on my own for hours. It’s our night – he could at least remember that. I feel such a fucking fool.’
Josephine sighed. ‘Tell me about it, Carmel. Michael’s on the missing list as well, and Declan too. It has to be work. Something that needs sorting sooner rather than later. You’re right to be upset, but I bet you it’s something very important. Patrick worships you, anyone can see that.’
Carmel could see the girl was trying to make her feel better, and she appreciated that. It was kind of her to try and lift her spirits. But Carmel was feeling truly grieved. Josephine was too young and too innocent to understand the life she was getting into. She would soon learn the reality. It was easy to be so cavalier when it wasn’t her husband who had left his own party.
‘Listen to me, Josephine. Michael is just like my old man – he will always put his work first. Unlike most men, the work they are involved in can’t be left till the morning. The world they live in means they are on their guard every second of every day. Literally anything can happen and, when it does, they have no choice but to make sure any problems are sorted, pronto. It means you had better get used to being alone most of the time, get used to worrying that the Filth will somehow take him from you, get used to looking over your shoulder constantly because you never know what the future might hold. You have to learn to look out for number one so that, if the worst does happen, you have made sure you have covered your own arse. It’s a world of illusion, a world of pretending and putting on a front. It’s a world that I really wish I had never entered. It’s a world I craved, and one that I now feel trapped in.’
Josephine was shocked at Carmel’s words – at the vehemence and also the truth of them.
Seeing Josephine’s face, Carmel felt awful, sorry now that she had ever spoken. ‘I’m sorry, Josephine love, take no notice of me. I’m just angry, that’s all. I have a houseful of people, and Patrick has bloody well left me to it, and on our anniversary, if you please.’
Josephine just hugged the woman tightly once more, aware that Carmel regretted letting her guard down, showing her weakness, admitting her unhappiness.
‘Listen, Carmel, I know I come across as a bit wet at times, and I know you have just told me the truth. But I love Michael and, no matter what happens, like you with Patrick, I will always stand by him. So don’t worry about me. I’m stronger than I look!’
Up close, Josephine could see the fine lines around Carmel’s eyes, and she could sense the woman’s sadness. For the first time ever, she had seen the real Carmel Costello, and it had been a real eye-opener. She felt desperately sorry for her, more so because she knew how much Carmel Costello valued her reputation as a woman always in control.
‘Come on, Carmel, let’s get back to the party, shall we? If I was you I would go in that office and give him a piece of my mind!’
It was the right thing to say and Carmel laughed. ‘You’re right, Josephine. Come on, let’s get back downstairs.’
But her words stayed with Josephine; she knew that she would never forget them.
Chapter Twenty-Four