Reason to Breathe

6. Different Planet





As we neared the front steps, we spotted Sara and Jason sitting off to the side, along the stone wall. They were deep in conversation with red cups in their hands, oblivious to the party happening inside.


“Hey, Sara,” I said as I walked over, breaking her entranced attention.

“Emma, I was waiting for you!” she exclaimed as she jumped up from the wall and went to hug me, but restrained herself when she saw my body tense for the embrace.

Sensing Sara wasn’t quite ready to give up her moment with Jason, I declared, “We’re going in. Find me inside later.”

“Okay.” She replied with a beaming smile that could only mean that I wasn’t going to see her for awhile.

I was so wrapped up in my anxiety that I didn’t realize Evan had grabbed my hand upon entering the loud crowded space - not until he was leading me through the entanglement of bodies. I didn’t pull it away as we squeezed through the bodies, in fear that I would be stranded if I let go. Wide-eyes followed me through the crowd - evidently, not everyone who was here was at the football game or had received the circulating texts.

The house was the typical huge estate that belonged in Weslyn, with an open floor plan that was conducive to throwing a large party. There were only two rooms in the front of the house that were encased with walls - the formal dining room, and another room with a large wooden door, which appeared to be locked.

We squeezed through to the back of the house where we found the kitchen. The island in the kitchen was lined with different colored liquor bottles and soda, ending with a large stack of red plastic cups next to a tap handle.

“Want something to drink?” Evan yelled, still holding my hand.

“Diet whatever’s fine,” I yelled back.

He left me standing on one side of the bar to get our drinks at the other end, instantly consumed by the crowd within the few feet it took to reach the sodas.

“Holy shit! Emma Thomas?!” I heard someone yell from across the room. I froze, afraid to look. His exclamation caught the attention of a few other people; they evidently were amongst the few who hadn’t heard that I was at the party since they couldn’t stop staring at me. I spotted a guy from my Chemistry class as he fought his way through the crowd, parting the bodies with his red cup.

“Hi, Ryan.”

“I can’t believe you’re here!” he exclaimed, throwing his arms around me in a tight embrace with alcohol rolling off his breath. Great, he was drunk. I tensed, unable to react to his breach of my personal space until he finally let go.

“Wow, this is so great,” he said with a ridiculous smile on his face. “I was hoping to see you tonight. I heard you were at the game. Do you want a drink?”

“Hey, Ryan.” I heard Evan say from behind me. I turned toward him with a panicked expression, but he didn’t pick up on it. Instead he handed me one of the cups he was holding.

“Evan!” Ryan hollered, in a volume too loud for how close we were standing to him. He put his arm around me and zealously pulled me toward him, making me spill my drink – he was oblivious. “Evan, you know Emma Thomas, right? She is the coolest person.” I gave Evan my wide eyed look of despair - he raised his eyebrows, finally getting it.

“Yes, Ryan, I know Emma,” he said, grabbing my hand, and pulling me carefully away from Ryan. “We actually came here together.”

Ryan appeared confused and then shocked as he released me. “You did? Oh, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.”

“It’s okay,” Evan assured him. “We’re going outside. We’ll see you later.” Evan turned toward the sliding doors that led to the deck.

It was a little less crowded and definitely quieter, leaving the music behind in the house. We found an empty section of railing and leaned our backs against it, watching the craziness inside.

“I’m sorry about that,” Evan finally said, leaning on his forearm to face me. “I had no idea why you’d given me that look. I didn’t know Ryan liked you.”

“Neither did I,” I confessed quietly. “Thanks for getting me out of there. I’m way out of my comfort zone with all of these people.”

“Really?” Evan shot me a teasing smile. “I don’t think I noticed when you could barely force yourself through the front door.”

“Okay, so I’m here for Sara,” I admitted with a sigh. “She’s wanted to ask Jason Stark out since the beginning of the year, and this was the perfect opportunity. I’m here for moral support.”

“It looks like Sara’s doing just fine without you.” Evan smirked. “I think you’re the one needing the support.”

I scowled up at him with a mocking smile. “Thanks a lot.”

“Mathews!” a male voice yelled from the door exiting the house.

“Hi, Jake.” Evan greeted the voice with a shake of his hand.

“It’s good to see you,” Jake stated. “No way, is that Emma Thomas?” I smiled awkwardly and nodded.

“Wait, did you come here together?” he asked, looking at Evan with a sly grin.

“I brought her here to meet up with Sara,” Evan explained.

“Wow, I can’t believe you’re here.” Jake shook his head while looking me over. “Can I get you something to drink?”

I raised my cup. “Thanks, I’m all set.”

“Maybe I’ll see you inside, and I can refill it for you,” he said, flashing his teeth. I froze, trying to understand what was going on. I swore I was on a different planet. And on this planet, people noticed me, and some noticed me too much. I desperately wanted to be on the other side of the locked door of the room at the front of the house.

“Did you guys see the fire pit they have around the side of the house?”

“No,” Evan replied.

“It’s pretty cool, you should check it out,” Jake encouraged. “I’ll see you later.” He winked at me before he turned away. I stood there, stunned.

“Did he really just wink at me?” I asked, completely astounded.

“I think he did,” Evan confirmed with a small laugh.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” I suddenly realized. “I’m so glad I’m finding more ways to entertain you. This is horrifying for me. I don’t think you quite get that.”

Evan looked at my distraught face, straightening out his smile. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I can tell you’re not enjoying this. Let’s go check out the fire pit; it’s probably less crowded.”

“Evan, you don’t have to stay with me. You should go in the house and meet people. It looks like the entire junior and senior classes are here. I’ll be fine.” I tried to assure him with one of my forced smiles. He looked at me doubtingly. I really did have to work on faking it, didn’t I?

“How about this - I’ll walk down to the fire pit with you, and then I’ll make a round inside the house before coming back to check on you?”

“Okay,” I agreed reluctantly. As much as I hated the thought of being alone at this party, I wasn’t going to ruin Evan’s night by making him feel obligated to babysit me. I was used to being invisible, and I could sink into the shadows again – even on this planet.

The deck became more crowded as we moved toward the stairs that led to the backyard. Evan grabbed my hand to lead me through.

“Evan?!” an excited female voice exclaimed. Although he was still holding my hand, we were cut off by a person in-between us, so I couldn’t see the owner of the overly excited voice. “I’ve been looking for you.”

I squeezed through in time to find Haley Spencer with her arms flung around Evan’s neck, pulling him into her well-developed body. One hand was holding me and the other was holding his cup, so the embrace was not returned. An unwelcome heat turned in my stomach. I quickly shook off the insecurity and attempted to release his hand - but he held on tighter and pulled me closer.

Haley stepped back, keeping her hands on the back of his neck. “We were just going inside to get another drink. Join us.” Her eyes met mine, then traced along my arm. Her eyes tightened when she realized that my hand ended in his.

“Oh,” she said, quickly dropping her hands from his neck. “I didn’t know you were here with someone.” She eyed me up and down cynically.

“Sorry, Haley,” Evan said sympathetically, “we were just heading down to the fire pit.” He pulled me a little closer, wrapping his arm around me. My breathing stopped as I remained immobilized by his side.

“I guess I’ll see you later then,” Haley almost sulked. She flipped back her hair before strutting into the house, followed by the two aghast girls who’d been standing next to her.

Evan turned to face me, his hand still on my back, drawing me in so we could talk as people squeezed by us. It remained difficult to breathe while looking up at him, with my heart continuing to pound through my sweater.

“Still want to go to the fire pit?”

I nodded with wide eyes.

As he turned to head down the stairs, I missed his hand, and we were separated. In that brief second, I was aggressively pulled in the opposite direction, with the exclamation, "Emma Thomas! I heard you were here.” The tug dragged me right into the large frame of Scott Kirkland.

“I can’t believe you came to my party. This is the best night ever,” he declared in slurred speech. Perfect - he wasn’t just drunk, he was obliterated.

“Thanks for having me, Scott.” I tried to step back from his strangling embrace. “It’s a great party.”

He peered down at me with his half closed eyes and breathed heavily in my face. “Would you go out with me?”

“Um… that’s really nice of you.” I struggled to find the words while pushing him away with a little more force. “But…” The panic rose in my stomach and spread into my chest. I started breathing faster as I remained trapped against him. I needed to get away from him, but he didn’t show any signs of releasing me.

“Hey, Scott,” Evan greeted Scott with an overly emphatic pat on the back. “This is a great party.”

“Thanks, Evan,” he slurred. “Evan, this is Emma Thomas.” Scott captured me against his body with one arm. I had no idea he was so big, or strong, for that matter. I almost fit entirely under his arm. I looked up at Evan in despair, trying to squirm away - I wasn’t making much headway.

“Yeah, I know,” Evan began.

“Emma and I are going to go to homecoming together,” Scott declared, interrupting Evan. “Right, Emma?”

I was finally able to back my way out from under his arm. My face was bright red, and my hair clung to my cheeks. He lifted his arm in confusion, searching for me.

Evan took my shaking hand and gently guided me next to him. I tried to regain my breath, overcome with the sudden need to sit down.

“Emma, I think Sara’s looking for you.” Evan scanned my face in concern. “Scott, we’ll be right back.”

Before Scott could respond, Evan held my hand tightly and led me down the stairs. My knees buckled slightly, but I recovered and kept my feet moving beneath me. We went around the corner, and I collapsed on the stone wall under the deck.

Evan crouched in front of me and looked up, trying to meet my eyes. “Are you okay? That was crazy. I’m sorry I lost you.”

I took a deep breath and tried to will my hands to stop shaking. I couldn’t understand why I was so worked up. Evan gingerly took my hands in his and looked at me intently, trying to get me to focus on him. I stared straight ahead, desperately needing to pull myself together. I barely noticed he was there.

There was something about the crowd, the smell of liquor rolling in the air swirled with cigarette smoke that transported me to another place - a place I could barely remember, but I had a feeling I didn’t want to return. There was no space amongst the bodies. No space to breathe or move without being touched and jostled. The confinement and groping created a storm that erupted before I knew how to contain it. I shivered, not wanting to remember what was beginning to stir.

“Emma, look at me,” he soothed. “Are you okay?”

I found his blue eyes and began to focus. My face became hot when I realized what I must have looked like to him. I tried to stand up, and he backed up to give me space, but my legs weren’t as ready as my mind. I wobbled - he caught me by my elbows and pulled me into him to steady me.

I felt his breath against my face when he peered down to examine me. “Maybe you should sit down again.” But he didn’t move to let me go.

My pulse quickened with the warmth of his body against me as my hands rested on the hard curves of his chest. I looked up at him, but he was too close. I panicked and backed away. He let me go easily.

We stood still for a second, until I finally said without looking up at him, “I’m fine, really.” I was mortified as my quivering body betrayed me. I must have appeared so pathetic.

“This was probably not the best first party for you,” Evan said gently. “Maybe you should try something with about ten people before you jump to a hundred.”

I pressed my lips into a smile and shrugged. He offered a warm smile in return.

“Do you want to leave?”

“No, you stay,” I encouraged, determined to regain my composure. “I’m fine. I’m going to sit by the fire.”

We continued to walk around the corner, where a cut stone patio lay next to the dark silhouette of trees along the perimeter of the property. In the center sat a stone wall encasing a blazing fire. There were two dozen chairs around the fire, but only half were occupied. I sat down in a chair on the opposite side of the small group, who were talking and giggling in low voices.

“Evan,” I pleaded, “go have fun. I’ll wait here for Sara. Thank you for bailing me out tonight, but I can take care of myself. I swear.” His delving eyes tried to read my face, making me wish I could disappear and erase the whole night. I stared into the fire, unable to bare his silent inquisition.

“I’ll be right back,” he assured me. “I’ll find Sara and get us something to drink, okay?” The careful tone of his voice fueled my embarrassment. I still couldn’t look at him as he walked toward the house. I couldn’t believe I let him see me like this, unable to fend for myself. I fumed in disgust at my vulnerability. I didn’t want Evan to think I needed protecting. I pulled back my torment and let the numb blanket envelop me, pushing away the stirred memories, the noise of the crowd, and the trembling that still lay beneath the surface. I stared at the flames licking at the darkness and everything was lost as I sank deeper into nothingness.





“You know it’s raining, right?” Evan asked from the seat next to me. I looked around, snapping back from my empty place. I was the only one sitting in front of the dwindling flames. A steady, cold rain pasted my hair to my face, causing me to shiver. Evan stared at the few defiant flames that remained, ignoring the rain while holding his black camera case.

“Are you going to stop talking to me?” Evan asked quietly.

A smile spread across my face, turning my head toward him. “No.” I started to laugh.

“What?!” he asked, surprised by my reaction. A half-smile crept across his face as he tried to get the joke.

“I get accosted by a drunken bear and completely freak out, humiliating myself, and you‘re afraid I’m not going to talk to you?!” I laughed again.

Evan smiled lightly, still not getting the humor in my explanation.

“Why were you humiliated?” Serious once again.

I shrugged - hugging my knees into my chest, trying to suppress the shivering. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to explain my vulnerability to him. He waited patiently for me to find the words. I took a deep breath.

“I saw the way you looked at me, and I know how I must have come across, reacting like that.” I looked down. “I hate that you keep seeing me at my worst. This really isn’t me.”

“Emma!” Sara hollered from under the deck before Evan could answer. “You’re crazy. Get out of the rain!”

I suddenly realized I was wearing Sara’s cashmere sweater and jumped up to join her.

“Sara, I am so sorry. I completely forgot I had your sweater on.”

“I don’t care about the sweater,” she replied. “What are you guys doing out there? You must be freezing.” Evan joined us under the deck.

“Getting some fresh air,” Evan answered with a smile. He was rubbing his arms, registering the cold.

“You’re a bad influence on her,” Sara scowled at Evan, which turned into a smile. She wasn’t good at being mad - probably as bad at it as I was at delivering my forced smiles.

“Ready to go?” she asked me.

“Where’s Jason?” I asked, not sure if I should be concerned.

“He rode home with one of the football players,” she explained with a twinkle in her eye. I knew I was going to get a good story in the car.

“Let’s walk around the house,” I suggested. “I’d rather not go back inside.”

We ran to Sara’s car, trying to avoid being in the rain as much as we could. When we got in, Sara started the engine and turned on the heat full blast. Evan leaned against my door, remaining in the rain while waiting for me to roll down the window.

He bent down to peer in through the opening. The water ran down his artistically structured face, dripping off the tip of his nose over his shivering blue lips. My breath escaped me as I took in his steel blue eyes.

“Can I call you tomorrow?”

“You can’t actually,” I grimaced. He looked confused. “It’s complicated. I don’t exactly have phone privileges.” I hated to say it out loud, but I didn’t want him to think I was rejecting him.

The questioning look didn’t quite leave his eyes, but he tried to respond understandingly, “Okay, then I’ll see you Monday.”

“Yeah, Monday.”

He lingered a second too long, and I couldn’t breathe again.

“Good night,” I finally exhaled. “Get out of the rain before you freeze to death.” He stood up and casually raised his hand to wave as I rolled up the window. He ran back into the house.

“No way! Was he going to kiss you?” Sara shrieked, breaking my lingering stare. “Emma, I swear if I wasn’t in the car, he would have kissed you.”

“No, he wouldn’t have,” I dismissed her. My heart collapsed at the thought of Evan leaning in just a little closer. I shook it off.

“You need to share details,” she demanded as we pulled onto the road.

“You first,” I insisted.

Sara didn’t hesitate. The entire ride home, she gushed about her time with Jason.

It was dark inside her house when we walked in.

“I think we beat my parents home.”

“What time is it?” I asked, having no idea how much time had passed since we left the house earlier in the evening.

“Eleven thirty.”

It was earlier than I thought. That meant I was only at the party for a little over an hour. It seemed so much longer. But now that I looked back at it, I didn’t really do much. Evan and I didn’t have a real conversation the whole time we were there. I was too busy trying to avoid being grappled by drunken idiots.

I got ready for bed and scrubbed at the remaining make-up that the rain hadn’t already washed away. If I were caught wearing makeup, I would probably need it to hide what Carol would do to me if she saw any traces of it.

Last year, Sara had given me a few samples of lipsticks she didn’t want. I tried them on, but ended up wiping the colors off with a tissue. When I returned from practice that evening, Carol confronted me with the tissues removed from the bathroom trash with accusations that I was trying to sneak around wearing make-up behind her back after she had already told me it wasn’t allowed. She called me a whore and other derogatory names as she squeezed my cheeks together so tightly in her hand that my teeth ground into the soft tissue until they bled.

So I’d rather have raw skin from scrubbing off the evidence than to face a second round over the make-up issue.

As we lay in the dark, Sara insisted, “You have to tell me what happened with you and Evan tonight.”

II had hoped that Sara would be so lost in her night with Jason that she'd forget all about me, and we could avoid this conversation. No such luck.

I stared into the darkness above me, not certain where to begin.

“I talked to him,” I confessed. I was quiet for a moment.

“Please don’t make me drag this out of you.”

“I found out he’s from San Francisco and that he may move back if he doesn’t like it here.” I added, “I can only hope.”

“What do you mean?” She sounded confused. “It looked like you guys really connected from where I was sitting - you know, his almost kissing you.” My cheeks warmed at the mention of the close proximity of his face to mine when we said good night.

“Sara, I can’t do this,” my voice grew stronger. “I barely talked to him. He spent most of the night rescuing me from drunken hormonal gorillas. It was pretty pathetic.

“I don’t want to like him. I don’t want there to be anymore moments where he may kiss me. I need to stay away from him.”

“I am so confused,” Sara confessed. “I thought we had a plan. And who was hitting on you? Now I feel bad that I wasn’t there.”

“Don’t,” I said with an edge to my voice. “That’s just it. I don’t want to be protected or looked after. I should be so much stronger than to need you or Evan Mathews to stand up for me. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to look at him on Monday.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Sara said quietly. I heard the hurt in her voice. “I know you don’t want me protecting you, you’ve made that clear way before tonight. But I feel bad because I knew how hard tonight was going to be for you, and from the sounds of it, it was pretty horrible. I should’ve been there as your friend, that’s all.”

“But it shouldn’t be horrible, Sara. It was just a stupid party, and I freaked. I could barely function.” I sighed in frustration. I was glad it was dark so she couldn’t see the tears welling in my eyes. I clenched my jaw and swallowed the lump in my throat. I took a calming breath to be rid of the dizzying emotion, while wiping my cheeks dry. Safe again, I turned away from Sara.

“I’m sorry, Sara,” I said softly. “It’s been a long day, and I’m being ridiculous. We have to get up early so I can get home to do my chores. Let’s just get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered.

I was afraid that sleep wouldn’t come easily, but with all that my psyche had fought throughout the day, I was exhausted.