Reason to Breathe

5. Fading





When we pulled in, the parking lot was filling with cars, and spectators were making their way to the ticket booth in a steady drove. A jolt of panic rushed through my body. I knew I was being ridiculous - this was only a high school football game - but I might as well have been walking to school naked. Sara jumped out of the car and yelled to a group of girls who were lost in a giggling conversation while heading toward the stadium.


“Sara!” they screamed in unison and ran to her, receiving her with hugs and gleeful babble. I followed behind her, suddenly feeling overly exposed in the fitted sweater - the fashionable scarf doing little to conceal the low neckline.

“Emma?!” Jill Patterson exclaimed in shock. Everyone turned to gawk at me. The fire ignited in my cheeks. I knew the artificial color would be unnecessary.

I forced a smile with my lips pressed together and waved casually.

“Wow, you look great,” another girl declared in disbelief. The rest of the girls offered similar gushing compliments.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, wishing I was invisible again.

Sara linked her arm through mine and led us to the ticket booth with a prideful smile. I took another deep breath and prepared myself for whatever the night presented. Unfortunately, there were many more reactions of astonishment and gawking

There was a lot of stares, whispers, and comments about my presence and transformation, but not a lot of conversation. It was evident no one knew what to say to me any more than I knew what to say to them. So I sunk into the metal bleachers and engrossed myself in the football game. Sara cheered for Jason and watched as much as she was allowed. She was often drawn away by just about everyone passing by, including some of the parents who were there to support the local high school football team or their son who was on the field - or bench. I couldn’t get over how many people she knew and how effortlessly she’d come up with a witty remark or a kind sentiment. I should’ve taken notes.

During the third quarter, I decided to get a hot chocolate while Sara walked off toward the school with Jill and Casey to use the restroom, talking and giggling about something. While I waited in line, I scuffed the ground with my foot, lost in the booming voice of the announcer calling the last play as Weslyn continued to move the ball down the field.

“Not a bad game, huh?” His voice carried through the cheering crowd and the deep voice of the announcer. I turned to find Evan behind me, holding his camera.

“No, it’s a pretty good game,” I replied, struggling to find my voice. The sweater suddenly felt stifling as my cheeks set aglow once again, ignited by the frenzied beating in my chest. “Are you covering the game for the paper?” As soon as I said it, I knew it was a dumb thing to say. Of course he was covering the game - I assigned him the coverage!

“Yeah,” he said holding up his camera, dismissing my ignorance. “I thought I heard you didn’t go to the games?”

“I’m staying over Sara’s tonight,” I answered, thinking that would be enough of an explanation for him as it was for everyone else. But he appeared confused. I paused to recall the answer Sara had prepared.

“I’m usually so busy with school and everything that I don’t get out much. It worked out that I could tonight.”

The line continued to move forward, I stepped up. Evan followed.

“Oh,” he replied. I could tell he still wasn’t satisfied with my answer. “Are you and Sara going to the party after the game?”

“I think so,” I said tentatively. “Are you?”

“Yeah. I’m supposed to follow some of the guys from the soccer team over there.”

I nodded, not knowing what else to say. I turned back toward the counter, thinking this would give him the opportunity to escape and go back to taking pictures of the game. I remained facing forward, not looking back to see if he’d walked away. I ordered a hot chocolate and turned to find him still waiting for me.

“Do you want to walk around with me while I take a few more pictures?” My heart stopped again. I wished it would decide if it was going to pound out of my chest or fall out. The stopping and starting was getting to be a bit much.

“Sure,” I heard my mouth say, before my brain registered what I’d agreed to do. He smiled, and my heart took off beating at its exhaustive pace again.

“So, you’ve decided to talk to me,” Evan observed, looking at the ground as he walked next to me.

“I shouldn’t. But, it’s only a matter of time before you see that I’m not that interesting, and you’ll let me fade into the background like everyone else.”

He laughed and studied me, uncertain if I was serious. I was bewildered by his reaction.

He drew his eyebrows together with a smile and said, “I actually think you’ve become more interesting now that you’ve decided to talk to me, whether you should or not.” I groaned. He smiled bigger and added, “Besides, I don’t think it’s possible for you to fade. Well, at least not in that sweater.”

All of the blood in my body rushed to my face. “It’s Sara’s sweater,” I confessed, looking at the ground to conceal the drastic color change.

“I like it,” he admitted. “It’s a good color on you.” Maybe talking to him wasn’t such a good idea after all. This was way more than I bargained for. What was I supposed to do with a comment like that? I took a sip of my hot chocolate, and sucked air between my teeth as the scalding liquid soaked into my tongue.

“Too hot?” he observed.

“Yeah – I don’t think I’ll be able to taste anything for a week.”

He smiled again. I decided my heart had been tortured enough by his smile and stared back at the ground.

“I have a bottle of water in my bag, by the team’s bench, if you want.”

“No, that’s okay, thanks. The damage is done.” Before I knew it, we had circled back around and were walking in front of the bleachers where the cheerleaders encouraged the crowd to spell “Weslyn”. I glanced up into the stands to locate Sara. She waved to me and pointed to Evan with her mouth open in disbelief. I shrugged in return, turning away before he noticed.

“Have you met many people yet?” I asked, trying to sound casual. It occurred to me that maybe he kept harassing me because he didn’t know anyone else. Why he chose me was another mystery.

“Actually, I have,” he answered sincerely, to my dismay. “It helps to be on the soccer team and involved with the paper. It gives me an excuse to talk to people. Someone’s always eager to fill me in on who’s who. That’s how I learned more about you – which was harder than I thought it was going to be.”

Before I could question what he found out, he continued with, “So you’re name’s actually Emily, huh?”

I nodded with a slight shrug.

“Then how come everyone calls you Emma?”

It had been awhile since anyone needed this explanation, but I found myself being more honest than I had with the others. "My dad used to call me Emma."

And I left it at that, and so did he.

We’d passed the bleachers and were standing in their shadows along the track. The cheering and announcing drifted away with the quickening of my pulse as panic raced through my body. I needed to know what he’d found out about me but was afraid to know at the same.

Unable to stop myself, I finally asked, “What else could you have possibly learned about me?”

He smirked and replied, “Besides the obvious – your perfect GPA, involved in three varsity sports, and all of that?”

“Yes, besides that.” I held my breath. No one besides Sara knew about my life, right? There was no way he could know. Then why was I so paranoid?

“Well, you intimidate most of the guys in the school, so you never get asked out. The girls think you’re stuck up and that’s why your only friend is the most popular girl in school. It’s assumed that no one else is good enough for you.” My eyes stretched wide as he continued. “Your teachers feel bad for you. They think that you put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect and are missing out on what high school’s all about. And your coach thinks he’s lucky to have you, and is confident the team’s a shoe-in for state champions this year as long as you don’t get injured.”

He became serious, noticing the awed look on my face. “But you’ve only been here a week,” I whispered. “People actually told you this?”

Evan paused in confusion before he asked, “You didn’t know any of this?” I could only stare at him. “I figured the reason you keep to yourself was because you were so confident, and you didn’t care what anyone thought of you. You really had no idea what they say about you?”

I shook my head. “Honestly, I never gave it much thought because it wasn’t important to me. I just need to get through high school.”

“Why?” he asked slowly.

It was the question I couldn’t answer, and the reason I shouldn’t talk to him. I was saved from having to lie when the crowd erupted as the announcer declared a touchdown for Weslyn. I looked up at the scoreboard to see Weslyn’s numbers change to 28, as the visitor’s remained 14. The clock held steady with less than two minutes remaining in the fourth quarter.

“I should go find Sara,” I said. “I’ll see you later.” I walked off before he could respond. There was so much to take in, and I didn’t know how to absorb it all.

I located Sara along the sidelines, behind the rope that separated the field from the track.

“There you are!” she exclaimed. “Did you see Jason run in that last touchdown?”

“I didn’t have a good view,” I confessed. She clapped and yelled for the defense to stop the ball.

Then she pulled me aside, away from the crowd. “First,” she said intently, “you are going to repeat every word of the conversation you had with Evan before we go to sleep tonight. Everyone’s been talking about you two. I think half the school already assumes you’re dating.” My mouth dropped open.

“I know, it’s stupid,” Sara huffed with a shrug. “No one’s ever seen you talk to someone besides me so much before. So most of the girls hate you, and the guys don’t get what’s so great about him. It’s actually kinda funny.”

“Great,” I grumbled, rolling my eyes.

“Anyway, after the game, I’m going to wait outside the locker room for Jason to ask him to go to the party. Will you wait with me?”

“Sure, but I’m not waiting by the locker room door. That’s all you. I’ll sit on the stairs, okay?

“Okay,” her eyes sparkled. “I can’t believe I’m doing this!”

“He’s going to say yes,” I assured her.

“I hope so.”

The air horn blared to declare the end of the game. There was a final cheer from the home crowd, congratulating the team for their win. The guys celebrated with chest bumps, and shoulder pad punches as they headed to the locker room.

Sara and I lingered while the crowd filed out through the gates. A few people asked if they’d see us at the party, to which Sara confirmed emphatically. Sara began silently wringing her hands as we got closer to the locker room. It was almost entertaining to see her this nervous. I’d never seen her so uncertain before.

“Wish me luck.”

“I’ll be right here,” I promised, climbing the steps to observe from above.

Sara paced back and forth in front of the open double doors. Every so often she glanced up at me anxiously, and I’d return an encouraging smile. Before long, the guys started coming out of the locker room, showered, dressed, and carrying their gear bags over their shoulders. Most of them greeted Sara as they exited. It was evident a few of the guys hoped she was waiting for them, only to be disappointed when she’d respond with a casual greeting.

Then the damp golden hair of Jason Stark walked through the doors. I held my breath in anticipation as Sara said, “Hi Jason.” Her voice didn’t project its signature confidence, but her smile made up for it.

“Hi Sara,” he responded. She’d definitely taken him by surprise. I listened intently.

A second passed - he was about to walk away when she finally asked, “Are you going to Scott’s party?”

He was caught off-guard again. “Um, I don’t know. I didn’t drive, and I think Kyle wanted to go home.”

“I could drive you if you want to go,” Sara blurted. I gasped. What was she thinking? She only had two seats in her car. She glanced up at me quickly and cringed in apology.

“Ah, I guess I could do that,” he agreed slowly. “You don’t mind?”

“No,” she answered casually. “I think you should celebrate your win.”

“Okay, let me find Kyle to let him know. I’ll meet you back here in a minute.” When he walked into the locker room, Sara looked up at me, jumping up and down, and opened her mouth to release a silent scream. I laughed.

“It sounds like you’ll need a ride to the party,” the confidently charming voice concluded from the bottom of the stairs. Startled, I whipped around to discover Evan looking up at me.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“How do you do that?” I shot back.

“What?”

“Appear out of nowhere. I don’t even hear you coming, and then all of a sudden, there you are,” I accused.

“I guess you just don’t pay attention. I think you’re too busy attempting to fade.” He chuckled. I scowled back in annoyance. “Well, do you want a ride to the party? Unless, you’re going to sit on Jason Stark’s lap?”

“You saw that? Do you usually go around eavesdropping?”

“I was taking victory shots after the game for the story and was heading to the locker room to get the rest of my things. I happened to notice they were having a moment, and waited here until it was over,” he defended. “Besides, it looks like you’re the one spying from up there.”

“I’m being supportive,” I snapped.

“Sure.” He laughed. I clenched my jaw, trying to contain my aggravation.

“Well, do you want a ride?” Evan persisted.

“Fine,” I said through my teeth. This only fueled his laughter before he walked toward the locker room. Why did he find me so funny? It annoyed the hell out of me. Then why was I driving to the party with him? Especially after hearing the latest gossip. If I showed up with him, it was only going to make it worse.

What did it really matter at this point? According to Evan, I wasn’t well liked by just about everyone – so who cared what they said if I pulled up with Evan? But I did care. Not being liked was so much worse than being invisible. I took a deep breath and blew it away before it could hurt. I didn’t need to know what people thought about me.

Before I could think too much more about it, Sara ran up the stairs. “Em, I am so sorry. It came out before I had time to think about it.”

I could see Jason waiting for her by the locker room.

“It’s okay. Evan’s giving me a ride,” I assured her.

“Evan? Really?” She narrowed her eyes and examined me.

“Don’t worry, I’ll see you there. Okay?” I forced a supportive smile to put her at ease.

“Okay,” she said, still hesitating.

“Really. Go. I’ll be right behind you.” Sara gave me a quick excited hug and skipped back down the stairs to Jason. I watched them walk off toward her car, already in conversation.

“Ready?” Evan asked from the bottom of the stairs. I jumped again. “You honestly didn’t see me coming from the locker room?”

“I guess I wasn’t looking for you,” I bit back.

“Let’s go.” He held out his hand, inviting me to take it. I creased my forehead in disbelief and walked past him. My rejection didn’t seem to faze him as he walked alongside me to the parking lot. Nothing about Evan made sense. But for some reason, I kept finding myself with him.

He approached a black BMW sports car. I never really paid attention to the cars in the lot. Most of the residents in town could afford luxury cars to complement their ginormous houses – so of course their kids also drove cars to reflect their parents’ success. Diversity in Weslyn came down to what you drove, not your ethnicity. So, I was a minority, especially since I didn’t have a car. Forget that, I didn’t even have a license.

Evan opened the passenger door for me, making me pause before I entered - not accustomed to the chivalrous gesture.

“Do you know where we’re going?” he asked as he closed his door.

“No, don’t you?”

He laughed. “I just moved here. I don’t know where anyone lives. I thought you would at least know that much.” I didn’t respond.

Evan rolled down his window and hollered to a couple of guys he recognized, “Dave, you going to Scott’s?” I couldn’t hear the answer. “Do you mind if I follow you?”

Evan started the car and drove around to get behind the silver Land Rover.

“I didn’t ruin your night, did I?”

“No,” I answered casually, removing the scarf from around my neck. “But if you don’t mind, I’d rather not talk about what other people think of me anymore, okay?”

“Never again,” he promised. “So what are the parties like in Weslyn?”

I snickered. “Are you seriously asking me?”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “Well, I guess we’ll both find out tonight, won’t we?” I didn’t answer.

“If you want to do something else, I’m up for anything,” he offered. I looked over at him, my lungs paralyzed.

“No, I want to go,” I lied, almost choking on my words. “Besides, I’m meeting Sara there, remember?”

The Land Rover pulled away from the school, and we started down unfamiliar back roads. Evan turned on the radio. I wasn’t expecting to recognize the voice of a female singer bellowing about how life sucked to the strums of a heavy guitar. He turned it down so he could talk. What else could he possibly have to say to me?

“Where did you live before you moved here?”

I hesitated to decide if I could tell him without backing myself into a corner.

“A small town outside of Boston,” I replied.

“So you’ve always lived in New England?”

“Yup,” I answered. “Where in California are you from?”

“San Francisco.”

“Have you lived anywhere else besides here and San Francisco?”

Evan let out a short laugh. “We’ve moved just about every year since I can remember. My dad’s a lawyer for a financial conglomerate, so his job takes him wherever he needs to be. I’ve lived in New York, different parts of California, Dallas, Miami, and even in several countries in Europe for a few years.”

“Does it bother you?” I asked, relieved to be talking about him instead of me.

“It didn’t used to. When I was younger, I’d get excited to go somewhere new. It didn’t bother me when I left my friends behind because I was convinced that I’d see them again, eventually.

“Now that I’m in high school, it’s not as easy. I made some decent friends when we moved to San Francisco two years ago, so it was harder to leave. Also, I don’t want to keep fighting for a position on the sports teams. My parents offered to let me stay there to finish, but I decided to give Connecticut a chance. I can visit my friends during the breaks. If I don’t like it here, I’ll move back.”

“By yourself?” I asked in amazement.

He smiled at my reaction. “I’m pretty much by myself as it is anyway. My father works all the time, and my mother is on every fundraising committee from here to San Diego, so she travels a lot.”

“I’m sure Weslyn doesn’t even compare to San Francisco. I’d choose California in a second.”

“Weslyn’s… interesting.” He looked over at me with his infamous grin. I was glad it was dark so he couldn’t see my scarlet cheeks. I looked out the window, still having no idea where we were.

“I hope you’re paying attention to where we’re going, because you have to figure out how to get yourself home,” I warned.





“What, I’m not driving you back to Sara’s?”

I wasn’t sure if he was serious.

“This isn’t a date,” I blurted, knowing I shouldn’t have said it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

“I know,” he said, almost too quickly - instantly making me regret saying it. “I figured Sara would drive Jason home.”

“Oh,” I whispered. I felt like an idiot.

“I can offer to drive Jason so you and Sara can leave together,” he suggested. “That may be easier for everyone.”

We were quiet as we followed the Land Rover down a long driveway lined with cars, or it could have been a private road for as long as it was. Evan pulled behind the Land Rover and shut off the car.

“If this is going to be weird for you, I can go in by myself so no one knows we came here together,” he offered. I must’ve really offended him.

“No, it’s okay,” I said softly. “I shouldn’t have said that about it not being a date. I haven’t been as filtered as I usually am, especially when I’m around you for some reason.”

“I’ve noticed,” Evan teased. “I never quite know how you’re going to react. It’s one of the things that makes you so interesting.” His flawless smile reflected in the soft light of the driveway’s lanterns.

“Let’s get this over with,” I said under my breath as I opened the car door.

“Do you really want to do this?” Evan asked as we approached the house.

I took a deep breath and replied, “Yes, it’ll be fun.” I forced a smile. It wasn’t convincing, but he didn’t call me out on it.