Pieces of Truth

Chapter 20

Deeper Waters

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I stared out into Josh’s bathroom as the shower ran hot along my back. Josh also had a large bathtub which I would love to soak in, but I needed the constant heat all over me, something to wash away all the painful memories that were trying to crack open in my head. I was still trying to contain my anger and hurt I was feeling about what I learned about Clint. Now that I was awake and sober, everything that happened with Clint was hitting me head-on. My heart sank even lower. How could the man I love, want to hurt me like that, or another person for that matter? Trying to get someone killed purely because they loved me and wanted me all for themselves was just wrong. I didn’t care how insecure Clint was, nothing should push someone to do that, especially out of retaliation or jealousy. I could not, nor did I want to get past that action.

Now I was back in Josh’s apartment, again finding refuge in his arms. No matter what was happening in my life, I kept coming back to Josh. Yes, I had made out with him while I was drugged at the club, and drunk last night, but I didn’t let it go any further. Why did I continue to keep him at arm’s lengths? Why did I keep pushing away the only real and true feelings I had ever known?

Why indeed?

I wish I had a sign that told me that what I was doing was right. That being here with Josh was where I was meant to be. That I was contemplating jumping into something I probably wasn’t ready for, but inside I couldn’t wait a moment longer. Yes, I’d left Clint and I knew there would be an inevitable exchange of words which would be emotional and heartbreaking, but something about this felt right, like this was the moment I wasn’t supposed to ignore or push aside. Was there ever going to be a right time for me and Josh, the right circumstances? I don’t think we would ever find a normal or right time. I’m the one who keeps getting screwed over. Why should I give a damn about waiting, and why should I even care? I wanted this, today, now. I wanted Josh. I just wish I had some small sign that gave me just a little more confidence to believe the right time was now.

I slammed the shower tap off and quickly wrapped myself up in a big white thick bathrobe and ran out of the bathroom. I raced through the apartment, my eyes darting from corner to corner, desperately trying to find Josh. He was standing out on the terrace, murmuring on his cell. I stopped to stare at him for a moment before slowly creeping out onto the terrace. He turned and saw me and quickly shut his cell.

That’s weird.

“Norah, what are you doing? Are you aware you haven’t dressed yourself?” His eyes made a quick sweep over my half-naked body before he was decent enough to stare over the terrace wall. After I stood there a minute, not moving, he turned to meet me again, his forehead crinkling in wonder as I continued to stare at him. I think he wanted to laugh at my abnormal behavior but instead just stared back.

I started to fidget with my hands as I tried to tell Josh how I was feeling, but I only managed to find a few words, which weren’t even close to what I wanted to say. “Josh I just wanted to say thank you for letting me stay here. For giving me a birthday celebration a day later, for just being...”

Josh cut in, “Oh, that reminds me.” He raised his hand, “Stay right here for a minute.” He ran inside his apartment and came back with a thin rectangular object wrapped up in brown paper, with a white string bow.

“What is this?” I said, staring at it.

“It’s your real birthday present,” he stated, pushing it towards me. “Open it.”

“Oh,” I said, slowly tearing at the brown paper, peeling it away until I saw what it was.

“Oh Josh,” I breathed softly, barely able to say his name.

Sometimes, the smallest moments in your life have the greatest impact. They soar straight into a place deep inside you, and resonate with the very core of your heart, sinking deep into your memory, to remind you later, that life and love can bring you magic you didn’t know existed.

I could only hold the frame, trying not to cry, trying to understand how he could possibly have it. “How did you get this?” I wasn’t even sure I was breathing, but my feet felt light, my mind floating from the memory of this picture.

Josh’s body shifted so he was standing right behind me. “Don’t be angry when I tell you this Nor, but the day before I left, when I was in your room and left you that good-bye letter, I kind of took this. I wanted something to remember you by. I wanted a piece of you, something as beautiful as you, something made by you. I’m sorry I took it, I just didn’t know if I’d ever see you again after I left.” My eyes lifted to Josh and then back down as he continued to explain his gift. “I just wanted to have a part of you wherever I was and wherever I went. You were always with me Norah, in my head, in my heart, everywhere. I took this with me so our souls would always be together, so they’d never forget.”

And just like that, it was as if the heavens opened up and a big ray of light shone down on me and Josh. I had my sign. Josh had given me a sketch I had done back in high school. It was a charcoal drawing I had done of my mother’s face from a portrait my Dad kept in his bedroom. Her head was tilted to the side as she stared out at the Mediterranean Sea. My father had taken her on a cruise when they were first married. Her face looked so serene and happy as her long black hair swept around her face. It was my favorite picture my Dad had of her, and I often re-sketched the picture using different artistic techniques. The charcoal version I did of the picture was my favorite sketch, and I had shown Josh the picture a million times when we were young. When I lost it, it didn’t even occur to me it had been taken. I had a lot of other sketches of that photo, but the charcoal one I did, had always been my favorite and held the most sentimental value to me. At the time I assumed I just misplaced it.

“Josh. I can’t believe you have this, and kept it all those years. I’m not angry, I’m, I’m, exactly where I should be right now.” And that was it for me. The sweet incredulous look on his face gave me all the confidence I needed to take the next step.

“Do you love me Josh?”

He looked stunned, and stepped back a bit. “Of course I do. You know that.”

I walked up to him, closing the space he had created. “No, I don’t mean as my best friend.”

His eyes grew dark as he realized what I asked him. “Norah, I…”

“Tell me.” My eyes lit up as I looked deep into his own, pleading with him not to be scared.

“Look, there are things I have to tell you first.” Josh looked so surprised and withdrew from me, not sure what to do.

I went over to the table on the terrace and placed the framed sketch down gently, and returned to standing in front of Josh. “I’m sick of all our talking. I just want to know, do you love me Josh, in the way a man loves a woman with every kind of emotion and desire imaginable? ”

Josh scanned my face, and saw I was being serious. He saw how I needed to know, right there and then. He stepped forward and looked me right in the eyes. “You know I do.”

“Say it Josh. Say it like you really mean it. I need to hear it, again.”

Josh inhaled sharply. I don’t think he knew where this had come from or where it was going, but he reached for me now, and drew my half-naked body into him, wrapping both arms around me and leaning into my face, so his forehead was resting on mine, his breath close to my mouth.

“Lenorah, it has always, and will always be you. I love you like nothing else I have ever known. You are the reason I believe I can be happy in this world after I lost everything. When I dream of the future, I only see you.”

I breathed out with loving satisfaction, then pulled out of his embrace and stepped away. Josh looked at me as if he expected me to turn and walk away from him yet again, only this time I didn’t.

I stood back, slowly undid the robe I was wrapped in and dropped it to the floor.

“I love you too Joshua.” I started walking towards him. “And I want you. Do you want me too?”

Josh looked like his mind had left his body. He was speechless. Frozen. Unable to move from where he stood.

“Josh,” I whispered.

He breathed again, regaining some rational thought, his eyes everywhere on my naked body. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this moment Norah?”

“As long as I have.”

His eyes met mine.

“I want you Josh, now.”

Josh immediately stepped forward to take hold of my body, but stopped just before he was about to touch me. “Norah, understand that I won’t be able to go back from this. Once we cross this line, there will never be anyone else for me. You are the last person I ever want to be with.”

I reached for him now. “Josh, I wouldn’t be doing this right now if I didn’t want you forever.”

“Forever?” His eyes searched mine for confirmation. I nodded. His arms went around my body. “Oh, Norah.”

Josh’s lips were on mine as we held each other in a passionate embrace. We had found a connection. Our hearts opened, our lust aligned, every cell in my body was exploding and rippling as my naked body was being held by the one person who had always genuinely looked at me with pure acceptance of who I was, wholly and solely. Finally the fear of taking that step was gone, and we were here in the moment that was about to change everything.

My hands went to Josh’s waist, lifting his shirt above his head. We paused our kiss, and opened our eyes to look at each other again. We both stood and took a step back. Josh looked at me again for any hesitation, but I only moved towards him and his pants, which I eagerly undid. Josh, finally realizing that I wasn’t about to retreat, found the confidence to take me. His hands on my back, the other lost in my tangled hair, I could hear him moan as I pulled down his boxers and they fell to his feet. Josh was naked now, his hard body and excitement pressed up against me. I paused again from our kiss and looked down. I wanted to see Josh the same way he was seeing me right now; naked, vulnerable but ready for one another. I wanted us to be open and bare in every sense. I never wanted to hide from Josh again.

I had no words when I saw Josh naked for the first time. I had imagined it, but seeing him so ready for me was mind-blowing. I had known this guy since I was thirteen and his body had been a mystery to me for a decade.

Not anymore.

And his body, including the part of him I ached for most, was everything I hoped it would be. I breathed hard as I looked at Josh. He had the same hungry yet love-filled expression. “You are spectacular Norah. Transcendent in beauty.”

“Josh.”

This time Josh grasped me with more intensity. He picked me up, my legs wrapping around his waist and he carried me back into the apartment and to the sofa in the lounge. As he lay me on the sofa, my arms went above my head, and Josh’s lips went from my mouth to my neck, and to my breasts. He held them gently while teasing me by sucking and licking my nipples.

“Ohhhh!” I moaned. I reached for Josh so I could please him at the same time. When my hands found him, he was already incredibly hard, so I gently let my fingers stroke him, running them up and down so every touch was drawn out and sensitive. Josh’s eyes flew open and looked at me as he continued to explore, suck and fondle my breasts.

“I will never get enough of this. You feel every bit as perfect as I imagined, and your touch...Norah...what it does to me...”

My body could barely take another minute without being fully connected to Josh. Josh’s head then started travelling from my breasts to my stomach. He planted kisses near my belly button, and my hips instinctively bucked, wanting his mouth to go even lower.

His mouth hovered around my opening, kissing all around it. I couldn’t help but breathe out, “Oh my God Josh, you are not even in me yet, and I feel like I’m about to lose it.”

Josh’s tongued flicked into at me, and I almost completely fell over the edge. But I was long gone. There was no going back to friendship, old feelings, ex-boyfriends. It had all led to this. I pushed him off me, and Josh stared at me, breathing hard. I also sensed he was trying really hard to maintain control in drawing out this moment for as long as possible. I lifted Josh’s chin, and spoke into his eyes. “Josh, we have the rest of our lives to do it slowly and sweetly a million times over. Let’s do what we both want to do, and just lose control in the moment. There are going to be many more moments, I assure you.”

Josh looked like his breathing actually stopped as I conveyed this wasn’t a one-off type of thing. No, this was the start of millions and millions of moments for me and Josh.

“I love you Norah.”

“I love you too Joshua. Now take me. Hard.”

Josh quickly pulled my body towards him and we both toppled onto the floor and onto the big white fluffy rug in the centre of Josh’s lounge room. His hands were a bit rougher now, but so were mine. We wanted it so badly you could taste the sexual tension built up in the very air around us. Our bodies twisted and rolled all over the rug, as we got closer and closer to being ready to become one. Finally, I was on my back and Josh was above me. I wished I could see the stars right now, because in my head, it was all I could imagine. Josh’s broad chest hovered above me. With my legs spread apart, he looked at me, his hand cupping my cheek and then his fingers ran past my lips as he watched my face, and then, Josh slowly lowered himself into me.

OH...MY...GOD!

I had that feeling you get when you feel so full it’s completely satisfying. Josh was touching me in every way that needed to be touched, and he hadn’t even begun to move inside me yet. Here we were, connected in the most intimate way possible, and it was the most perfect feeling in the world. Every inch of Josh felt right.

And then he began to move.

“Norah,” Josh kept shouting my name over and over again. I knew I wouldn’t last long. Hearing Josh say my name and feeling him inside me, like it was always meant to be, pushed me to scream like I’ve never screamed before. Somewhere in the haze, I screamed Josh’s name and he moaned mine too, but when it was finally silent, he lay on top of me, listening to my heart, and my hands were on his neck, never wanting to let go.