Sometimes that old feeling slips back in. Of being invaded and misunderstood. Of being outside your body but still in the room, like what you imagine a spirit does immediately after death. You used to own the night and put it to good use, during that sweet spot after your father could no longer tell you when to go to sleep and before you shared an apartment with someone else. Is togetherness killing your productivity? When’s the last time you stayed up until 4:00 A.M. testing the boundaries of your consciousness and Googling serial killers?
But then you remember how hard it was, that moment between wakefulness and sleep. How the moment of settling down was almost physically painful, your mind pulling away from your body like a balloon being sucked into the atmosphere. He settles that. He tells you that your day was rich enough and now it is time to wind down. He helps you sleep. People need sleep.
You’ve learned a new rule and it’s simple: don’t put yourself in situations you’d like to run away from.
But when you run, run back to yourself, like that bunny in Runaway Bunny runs to its mother, but you are the mother, and you’ll see that later and be very, very proud.
I WOULD LIKE TO gratefully acknowledge the following people, who were instrumental in the writing and publication of this book:
Peter Benedek, the greatest friend and champion. I owe you so much, which is why I give you 10 percent of all my money. Jenny Maryasis, you are a most literary and forthright woman in a world full of dummies who lie. Thank you both.
Kimberly Witherspoon, thank you for encouraging me to take up all the space I need, both in a chair and on the page.
Jodi Gottlieb, who really keeps it classy.
Susan Kamil, Gina Centrello, and the rest of the Random House femme-squad. A beautiful bunch.
Andy Ward, you are the best editor a girl who uses the word “vagina” a lot could ever ask for. Your careful, attentive, and brilliant work on this book has had an impact far beyond these pages. Hi, Abby and Phoebe ?.
David, Esther, and the whole Remnick/Fein clan: your friendship and wisdom have been a balm to my soul. Thank you for the endless humor, encouragement, and matzo brie.
Joana Avillez, you draw the world I wish to inhabit. This book is a document of our twenty-five-year friendship.
Ilene Landress, who keeps me going, keeps me on time, and makes me very happy
Jenni Konner: my best friend, my partner in work and crime. It’s not a coincidence that shortly after I met you I stopped losing my voice. Every day, thank you. I love you, Mack and Coco!
My family: Your art, humor, and love are my reason. I’m sorry I keep doing this to you. Laurie and Tip, I’m done at least until you die. But Grace, you aren’t off the hook quite yet.
Aunties SuSu and Bonmom, Grandma Dot, Uncle Jack, the cousins who are here and who are gone, Rick and Shira and Rachum.
Jack Michael Antonoff. These words would never exist if not for your love and support. Thank you for making a life and home with me.
Isabel Halley, Audrey Gelman, Jemima Kirke—friends and muses. The funniest and prettiest of them all.
A hearty thank-you to all the brassy folks I interact with every day on the Internet, who have supported my self-expression, challenged me plenty, and confirmed my ultimate hope that the world is full of kindreds.
I have received help, encouragement, and inspiration from many. This list includes, but is not limited to: Ericka Naegle, Mike Birbiglia, Leon Neyfakh, Alice Gregory, Miranda July, Delia Ephron, Ashley C. Ford, Paul Simms, Charlie McDowell and the Roon, Murray Miller, Sarah Heyward, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Judd Apatow, B. J. Novak, the New Yorker magazine, Glamour magazine, Rookie magazine, HBO, Mindy Kaling, Alicia Van Couvering, Matt Wolf and Carl Williamson, Teddy Blanks, Roberta Smith and Jerry Saltz, Taylor and all her songs, Polly Stenham, Larry Salz, Kassie Evashevski, Richard Shepard, David Sedaris, Zadie Smith, Tom Levine, Maria Santos, Ariel Levy, Kaela Myers, Maria Braeckel, Tom Perry, Theresa Zoro, Leigh Marchant, Erika Seyfried, and Lamby.
LENA DUNHAM is the creator of the critically acclaimed HBO series Girls, for which she also serves as executive producer, writer, and director. She has been nominated for eight Emmy awards and has won two Golden Globes, including Best Actress, for her work on Girls. She was the first woman to win the Directors Guild of America award for directorial achievement in comedy. Dunham has also written and directed two feature-length films (including Tiny Furniture in 2010) and is a frequent contributor to The New Yorker. She lives and works in Brooklyn, New York.