My Life After Now

34

Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina




Dad and Papa were waiting for me when I went inside the house, identical masks of concern superglued on their faces.

“What happened?” Dad asked.

It took me a second to realize he was talking about the accident at school and not about what had just passed between me and Evan. “You already know what happened—I got sliced up with a sword.”

“Come on, Lucy, you know what I mean. Was anyone exposed?”

The image of Evan’s hands saturated red flashed before my eyes, and I winced. It’s okay, I reminded myself. He didn’t have any open cuts. He’ll be fine.

“No,” I lied, and immediately felt a spasm of guilt. I hated lying to my dads. But they couldn’t know how badly I’d screwed up. Trying to shift the direction of the conversation, I added, “But I did get really dizzy on stage today. That’s kind of what caused the accident.”

Papa’s jaw clenched. “Is that the first side effect you’ve felt?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been really tired lately, but that could be caused by a number of things.” I shrugged. “It wasn’t so bad. Or it wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t been in close proximity to sharp metal objects.” I grinned.

“It’s not funny, Lucy,” Papa said.

“No, I know. But it could be a lot worse,” I pointed out. A little dizziness and fatigue seemed like the least offensive of any of the side effects Dr. Vandoren had listed. I’d take them over chronic bouts of diarrhea any day.

“How’s your arm?” Dad asked.

I shrugged again. “’Tis not so deep as a well,” I quoted Mercutio, and headed toward the stairs.

“By the way, Max called,” Dad said.

I dug my heels into the carpet and spun around. “He did? What did he say?”

“He wanted to see if you were okay. He sounded worried.”

Worried. About me? Or was he freaked out about the whole don’t-let-anyone-touch-Lucy’s-blood thing?

Probably best not to call him back tonight. I needed time to figure out what the hell I was going to say.

• • •

I still hadn’t managed to come up with a believable explanation when I found Courtney and Max waiting at my locker the next morning. I almost escaped back the way I came, but I saw them see me.

I swallowed nervously and cautiously approached. “Haven’t seen you guys around these parts in a while,” I said.

They both just stared at me with big, fretful eyes. Yeah, they definitely knew something was up.

“How’s your arm?” Max asked.

I patted the thick bandage under my sweater. “I’ll live.”

“I called you last night,” he said.

“I know.”

“Oh. Okay.” Max’s glance darted to Courtney. He gave her a say something look.

She cleared her throat. “We, uh, cleaned up the mess yesterday like Evan told us to.”

I gave her a tight smile. “Thanks.” But I wasn’t about to elaborate.

I watched and waited as my two former best friends worked up the courage to ask me the question we all knew was coming.

Turned out Max was the braver one. “So…what was that all about, anyway?” he asked nonchalantly, tracing the floor tile edges with his toe.

Just make something up. Anything, the voice in my head urged.

But my mind was blank. All I was aware of was the endless mob of students flowing up and down the hall, pushing past us, all potential eavesdroppers.

I couldn’t tell them the truth, and I couldn’t make up a lie. I had no choice—there was only one way to get Max and Courtney off my back. Fighting against every instinct I had, I built up as much courage as I could and let it explode out of me.

“What do you care?” I yelled. “We’re not friends anymore, remember?”

Max flinched. “We’re just worried about you.”

“Oh, all of a sudden you’re worried. Well, maybe it’s too late, Max. Ever think of that?”

He held my gaze. “This isn’t you, Lucy.”

I let out a short laugh. “How would you know? You have no idea who I am anymore!” I slammed my locker door and left them there, bewildered.

Just keep walking, I ordered myself. And don’t look back.

The pain stabbing my heart was a thousand times sharper than any sword. But I’d bought myself some time. I would just have to come up with a good lie before they cornered me again.

• • •

The thing was, I hadn’t planned on it happening so soon.

I was setting my props backstage when Max tapped me on the shoulder. “Lucy.”

I steeled myself for another fight and whirled around to find him and Courtney standing uncomfortably close. I gave them both the evil eye. “What?”

“I talked to Evan,” he said with emphasis.

I sucked in my breath sharply, my heartbeat instantly doing the hundred-meter dash.

What did Evan tell him? Did they know? What were they thinking right now?

I searched Max’s face for clues but came up empty. He was always the best liar out of the three of us, because of his uncanny ability to remain reactionless during pretty much any situation. Courtney’s expression, on the other hand, was more revealing. She was chewing on the inside of her cheek—a telltale sign that she was troubled. Yes, something had definitely changed since this morning.

How much had Evan told them? Surely not everything. Not after all he went through yesterday just to protect my secret.

I had to find out what they knew.

“We can’t talk here,” I said. “Come with me.”

I coaxed the lighting team out of the light booth and shuffled Max and Courtney inside. We were alone. No chance of anyone overhearing. But that meant there was also nowhere to escape to. I’d never been claustrophobic, but I was suddenly feeling trapped.

I took a few long, deep breaths to steady myself, and then got straight to it. I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. “What did Evan tell you?”

“He didn’t say much. Just that it’s some sort of…medical issue. And that we should ask you to explain the rest,” Max said.

I let out a sigh of relief. A nondescript medical issue. That could mean anything. I could have something totally benign, like hay fever. Or high cholesterol. Or low blood sugar. Yes, that was it! My blood sugar was too low and that was why I’d gotten lightheaded. Evan had just overreacted, he was so sweet—but no. Of course they wouldn’t buy that. It didn’t even make sense.

“I’ve been going through it all over and over in my mind,” Max continued, scratching his head. “You have some sort of medical issue that is too big for Evan to tell us about. And yesterday he acted like your blood was dangerous. The only thing I can think of that makes blood dangerous is AIDS. And I know you don’t have that. So what is it, Lucy?”

I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. He was so close to the truth, and yet he thought it impossible. How could I possibly confirm a truth so unbearable that he refused to even hypothetically consider it?

I met his gaze, my eyes stinging with tears.

Whatever he saw in my face, it made his own expression solemn. I could see him retracing his words, trying to figure out what he’d said that would have made me cry.

Courtney caught on before Max did. “You don’t…actually have AIDS?”

I looked down and rubbed my eyes hard with the heels of my palms, pushing back the moisture, not caring that I was probably smearing mascara all over my face. When I couldn’t stand the stupefied silence any longer, I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned to Courtney. “Not yet,” I said. “But I will.” If the meds didn’t do their job, anyway.

“HIV?” she whispered so softly that it was barely audible.

I nodded, gulping back the tears that were threatening reappearance. Max sank down to the floor in shock and Courtney just stared at me. I quickly looked away—I didn’t want to see the moment when disgust replaced the disbelief written on their faces.

“How?” I heard Courtney say.

There was no reason not to tell them the rest now. I fixed my gaze on the lighting board, fiddling with the little dials and knobs as I forced the word to pass through my lips. “Lee.”

The gasps of understanding came right away. Even after nearly two months of not speaking, all I had to do was utter one little name, and they understood exactly what I meant.

Just then Andre’s voice came through the speaker system announcing five minutes to places, and the lighting crew started pounding on the door. I wasn’t even in stage makeup or costume yet—it was the perfect excuse to get the hell out of there. I swiftly unlocked the door and let the displaced techies inside. “We have to go,” I muttered, not meeting Max or Courtney’s eyes, and bolted toward the balcony exit.

“What the hell did you do to my lighting board?!” one of the board operators yelled. I ignored him and kept running.

But Courtney and Max’s footsteps pursued me. “Lucy, wait!” Courtney called out.

I pretended not to hear.

“Lucy! Stop!” she yelled again.

There was something in her voice—something surprisingly authoritative—that made me stop in my tracks.

Here it comes. I held my breath as I braced myself for their hastily devised excuse as to why we couldn’t be friends after all.

But without a sound, they wrapped their arms around me and held me tight. All at once, the walls I’d put up around me collapsed and for several long minutes I was enveloped in warmth, security. It was the best feeling in the entire world.

I could have stayed there all day, but we pulled apart at the sound of, “Places!”

That’s when I saw the tears in their eyes. “Don’t cry,” I said. “Please.”

Max nodded and cleared his throat. “Come on, Luce,” he said, taking my hand, “let’s go put on the best show of our lives.”

The relief that flooded through me was so great that my radar barely even registered Elyse standing in the shadows of the balcony, her face stricken with pure terror.