My Life After Now

33

Think of Me




Thirty-two stitches and a prescription for Tylenol with codeine later, I was discharged from the emergency room.

“I still don’t understand how this happened. Don’t you use fake weapons on stage?” Dad said when he and I met up with Andre and Evan in the waiting room. Papa was at home, on Lisa duty. He was following through with his promise to never leave her alone for the next three months, and it was already driving her crazy. He’d even hired someone to stay with her during the day and canceled the movie channels just to piss her off.

“Yes, of course we do,” Andre said, glaring at me and Evan. “Where did you even get those swords?”

“In the basement,” I mumbled.

Andre’s eyebrows pulled together and he thought for a moment. “Were they in a glass case?”

I nodded.

“Dammit, Lucy, those were for display only. They’re antiques from the RenFaire museum. You should have checked with me.” He turned to my dad. “If I had known Lucy and Evan weren’t abiding by the rules, I certainly would have put a stop to it.”

“We’re sorry,” I said, trying to make amends so we didn’t have to keep talking about this. “Aren’t we sorry, Evan?”

Evan just nodded. He was staring at my bandaged arm.

“What did the doctors say? Are you still going to be able to be in the show?” Andre was a worried wreck. I felt for the guy—just when the fight scene was finally working, this had to happen.

“The play really does seem to be cursed, doesn’t it?” I said, a dopey grin on my face. The painkillers were making me silly. “Just imagine if we’d done Macbeth.”

“Lucy, please don’t talk about theater curses. What are you trying to do, jinx us?” Andre shuddered. “Now, can you be in the show or not?”

“Yes, Andre, I can still be in the show.”

“Oh, thank god,” he breathed, and gave me a giant hug, being careful of my injured arm.

“All right, let’s go home. I’ve had enough of hospitals to last me awhile,” Dad said, leading us toward the exit.

“Um, actually, I think I’m going to ride home with Evan. If that’s okay with him,” I added.

“Yeah, no problem,” Evan agreed after a brief hesitation. It was no use avoiding me anymore, and we both knew it.

Dad looked from me to Evan and back again. “I suppose that’s okay,” he said. “But come straight home, all right? We have some things to talk about.”

“I will.”

He gave me a big squeeze. “See you at home, honey.”

• • •

“Are you okay?” Evan asked the moment we were alone.

I nodded. “I’ll be fine. Probably gonna have a nasty scar, but otherwise I’m okay.”

“I am so sorry. I can’t believe I did that. I don’t know what happened.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Evan. Honestly. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“Lucy, I was the one holding the sword. I don’t know who else’s fault it would have been.”

I smiled. “Well, you more than made up for it. Thanks for bringing me to the hospital.”

“I just thought that if an ambulance came you would have had to tell them about the HIV, and I know you don’t want anyone to know,” he said quietly, looking down at his lap.

He was right. When I got to the emergency room, one of the first things the nurses asked me was if I had any allergies to medications or major health issues. I nervously told them about my HIV status, and they barely even blinked. But if I’d had to disclose that information to EMTs with all my castmates standing around and watching, I don’t know what I would have done. Evan had saved me.

I studied him closely. He seemed like he meant what he said. And he’d put himself in danger in order to protect my secret. To think that just a few hours ago I was worried about him telling people…

“You shouldn’t have touched my blood,” I whispered, my stomach still tied up in knots about that.

“I know. But I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to help you,” he admitted.

“Do you have any cuts on your hands?” Please say no, I added silently.

Evan held up his hands for me to see. “Nope. Perfectly intact.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. But maybe…I think you should probably still get tested in a month or so, just in case.” It pained me to even think the words, let alone say them. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to Evan because of me.

“Yeah, okay,” Evan said.

We sat there, letting the seriousness of the situation sizzle and pop in the contained atmosphere. Why was it that all of Evan’s and my most important conversations took place in a parked car?

“So I think Max and Courtney probably know something’s up,” he said, finally breaking the silence. “I’m really sorry. I know you didn’t want them to know anything. I was just trying to think on my feet and I thought them knowing would be better than Elyse…or Ty.”

I shook my head reassuringly. “No, you did the right thing. Thank you.” Then his reluctance to say Ty’s name registered in my brain. “About what you overheard in the hallway today…”

Evan looked away. “It’s none of my business.”

“No, it’s okay. I know you’re freaked out about it. But you should know that I didn’t put Ty at risk. I was really careful and we used a cond—”

“Lucy, please. I don’t need the details,” he cut me off.

“Sorry. I just want you to understand that you don’t have to worry about Ty.”

“Lucy, I couldn’t care less about Ty.”

I blinked. “But you were so upset…”

He looked me directly in the eye. “I was upset because you were with someone else, not because of Ty’s health.”

Wait. What?

I stared at him, my heartbeat picking up speed.

“Is that…why you were shouting in Ty’s face during rehearsal?” I said slowly, piecing it all together.

“You caught that?” He looked sheepish.

“I think everyone caught that.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, I hate that guy.”

“But you don’t like me anymore!” I cried. “You won’t even look at me half the time!”

“Lucy, I’m in love with you,” Evan said, embarrassed. “I’m always looking at you. I’m just good at hiding it, I guess.”

I gaped at him.

He looked down. “I’m so sorry about the way I treated you. I was just…scared.” The way he said it, it was like he couldn’t believe he was even admitting it.

“But you’re…not scared anymore?” I nudged.

He sighed. “I still am. But I’ve done a lot of reading, and I think I understand it all a little better now.” He took my hand.

As I considered our entwined fingers, Evan’s thumb stroking the back of my hand, I thought back to the last time I’d tried to touch him, the last time we were in a parked car together. It was only five weeks ago, but it seemed so much longer. So much had happened since then; things were different now. And, judging from the way Evan’s warm skin felt against mine, those things weren’t all bad.

“But I was a total jerk to you, and I get it if you don’t feel the same way about me. Or if you’re still into Ty or whatever.”

“I’m definitely not still into Ty.”

Evan’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Really.” But then a searing shot of pain coursed through my injured arm, reminding me that things still weren’t exactly simple. I exhaled. “But I don’t know, Evan…”

His thumb stopped moving. “You don’t know what?”

“I don’t know if you and I could ever really work. It’s complicated.”

“Because of the HIV?”

“Well, yeah. That’s the big thing, obviously. I’m in for a lifetime of health problems and medication side effects and doctors’ appointments and group meetings. It’s a lot to deal with. But also because you really hurt me, and honestly, I’m still working through that. And I know you said you’ve done a lot of research and all that, but I can’t help but worry that you’ll always be a little skittish around me.”

Evan slowly released my hand, nodding. “Okay. I understand.” He started the car and began driving in the direction of my house.

I was a mess inside. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to kiss him and have him hold me and be loved by someone as good as him. But what I said was the truth, and I had to take care of me now.

“But thank you,” I said after a while. “For everything you did today. I mean it—I’ll never forget it.”

He kept his eyes on the road and didn’t respond.

Before long we were pulling up my driveway.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, getting out of the car. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Lucy, wait,” he called out, just as I was about to close the door. I swung it open again and bent down to look at him. “Just…think about it, okay?”

I gave a tiny smile. “Okay.”