My Life After Now

31

There’s a Fine, Fine Line




Alone again. Naturally.

Wasn’t there a song about that? I should have learned to play it—it was my theme song lately.

I didn’t hear a single peep from Ty all weekend.

And even though there was so much other stuff—more important stuff—going on, my brainwaves were consumed by him.

Saturday night, I began my medication. I had to take it on an empty stomach, and Dr. Vandoren made it clear that because it could make me feel sick, it was best to take it before bed rather than in the morning. So, starting now, ostensibly for the rest of my life, I would have to stop eating by eight p.m. in order to take the pill at ten.

As I took that first pill, I wasn’t thinking about the side effects or what this meant for my life. All I could think about was Ty. Would he notice if I started feeling sick all the time? If he asked me out to dinner, would he think it was weird when I told him I had to go on the early side? Maybe I should keep the prescription bottle hidden, in case he saw it the next time he was in my room…

The pill slid down my throat, and for an instant, everything remained still.

My dads and I looked at each other. It was like we were waiting for something to happen, like I would immediately look healthier or something. Or sicker. But everything was the same.

Papa spoke first.

“All right, then,” he said, clasping his hands together. “Anyone up for a movie?”

“Actually, I’m going to head to bed. Love you guys,” I said.

“Love you too, honey,” Dad and Papa said in unison.

I checked my phone again one more time before crawling into bed, fully aware that Einstein’s definition of insanity was repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different result.

• • •

When Lisa came home from the hospital on Sunday, I stayed closed away in my room all day, staring at my computer and waiting for Ty to log on to instant messenger. He didn’t. That night, I finally broke down and called him, but it went straight to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. It was an enormous effort just to bring the phone from my ear and press “end call.”

I was utterly worn out. I’d spent so much energy thinking about Ty these past two days that I had gone into overdraft. Or maybe it was an effect of the medication. All I knew was that I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.

I laid my head down on my desk and let the barriers down against the one thought I’d actively been avoiding. Could Ty really have just been using me to get ahead in his career? After all, he hadn’t come crawling back until I’d gotten the commercial.

But, I weakly argued with myself, he’d seemed so genuine when he told me he missed me. He was exactly the same Ty Friday that he’d been when we were officially together. Was he really that good of an actor? Or (and it killed me to even think this) had our entire year-and-a-half-long relationship been an act?

Was being with the best actress in the school really all that mattered to him? Were Elyse and I some sort of conquests for him?

I shook the thought from my mind. Our time together was real. It had to be.

But then Monday afternoon rolled around and brought with it a fresh dose of clarity.

Because of the lingering effects of the snowstorm, we’d had a two-hour delay in the morning, and homeroom was canceled. So it was dress rehearsal time before I saw anyone from the drama club.

I was sitting on the edge of the stage lacing up my costume boots when Ty and Elyse walked in. Together. Holding hands.

I almost fell into the orchestra pit.

“What the hell?” I shouted. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared.

Ty immediately dropped Elyse’s hand and I actually saw him glance at the exit, like I was really going to let him escape. Fueled by a much-needed burst of adrenaline, I leapt off the stage and stormed his way. In the seconds it took to reach him and Elyse, understanding took hold of me. My fears had not been unfounded at all. By the time we were actually face to face, I was more scared than mad.

“Follow me,” I said, and led them into an isolated hallway. “What’s going on?” I asked quietly once we were alone.

Ty’s eyes darted around nervously. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do, Ty.” I nodded toward Elyse. “Does she know?”

Elyse was looking back and forth between us. “Do I know what?”

I stared at Ty and slowly breathed in and out. “I thought you weren’t with her anymore?”

“I…changed my mind,” he said.

“Right.” I nodded slightly. “Because I said I couldn’t get you a part in the commercial.”

He wouldn’t look at me. Nothing more was said for a long second. I was waiting for him to confess or at least offer an explanation. He was probably waiting for me to go away.

“Okay, seriously, what is going on?” Elyse asked.

I looked at Ty. “Do you want to tell her or should I?”

He just kept staring at his shoes.

I let out an exasperated sigh and turned to Elyse. “As much as I don’t like you, you deserve to know the truth. Ty came over to my house on Friday and we had sex.”

Elyse stiffened and audibly sucked in air.

“He told me you guys weren’t together anymore,” I defended myself. But then I realized something. He hadn’t said they’d broken up. He’d just said things “weren’t working.” I had substituted my own meaning for his words. Well, no way I was going to admit that now. “Or something to that effect.”

Elyse looked to Ty, her face stricken with disbelief. “Is that true?” she whispered.

Ty shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe.”

“But we were together all weekend. How…how could you do that?”

Oh god. He was such scum. He went right back to her after me. My eyes were suddenly wide open and, for the first time, I saw him clearly. I couldn’t believe I’d fallen for his whole charade.

Amazingly, I actually felt bad for Elyse. Her face was sallow, her lower lip trembling, as she waited for him to say something. She was heartbroken.

“Listen, Elyse,” I began, not quite knowing what I was going to say. I worked out my own feelings as I spoke. “You actually got the better end of the deal. At least you can still get out early. Imagine how I feel—he had me wrapped around his little finger for almost two years.” I shook my head, ashamed, thinking about how much I’d loved him, and the part having my heart broken by him played in my decision to go home with Lee. “And then after everything, he shows up on my doorstep, tells me a few lies, and I immediately fall right back in his trap. Trust me, you don’t know how lucky you are that you’re finding out the truth now.”

I moved to place a comforting hand on Elyse’s shoulder, but just then there was a loud crash down the hall. My heart stuttered when I saw who had made the noise. Evan was there, his face pale, hastily collecting the sack of prop swords that he had dropped.

“I…uh, sorry,” he muttered.

“Evan…I…” I didn’t know what to say. How much had he heard?

But before I could form actual words, he turned and ran back in the direction he’d come.

I stood there frozen for a short moment, putting everything together.

Evan had heard me say I had sex with Ty. He was the only person in the school who knew about my HIV. He was scared to even go near me. And now, for all he knew, I’d given it to Ty.

I turned back to Elyse and Ty. “You guys figure out the rest. I gotta go.”

I had to find Evan before he said anything to anyone.