Chapter ELEVEN
EMMA CAMPBELL.
The name had a nice ring to it.
Liz found her thoughts on Jack’s revelations again after Tony relieved her for a late break the next morning. She decided to go across to the cafeteria for a cappuccino.
‘Nasty wind today,’ said the woman behind the counter as she heated the milk for the coffee.
‘Yes. Days like this are a real worry.’ Liz glanced out the window where the smaller branches of the gnarled old oak were dipping and waving in a wild dance. ‘Hopefully the cool change will arrive earlier and give us a good soaking.’
‘Yes. I heard there’s already been a couple of call outs for spot fires. People using tractors in long grass. Never seem to learn that a hot exhaust will start a fire quick as look at you.’
‘Thanks,’ said Liz, accepting the aromatic frothy drink. ‘I suppose Bill ’s on call, is he?’
‘Yes. He’s glad your Jack took the captain’s job. All the boys are.’ The woman rang up the till then turned to Liz with a grin. ‘Though not as pleased as you are to see him back, I suppose. How long to go now?’
Liz rested her free hand on her stomach. ‘Six weeks.’
‘That soon. It seems to have passed so quickly.’
‘That’s easy for you to say.’ Liz grinned, opting not to go into the details of her much closer due date.
The woman laughed. ‘True. How are you coping with the heat?’
‘Not too bad. I’m a bit tired.’
‘Of course you are, dear, and here’s me keeping you standing and talking. Off you go and take the chance to put your feet up while you can now.’
‘I’ll do that. Thanks.’
Not tempted to take advantage of the chairs outside because of the weather, Liz sat by the window, watching the trees as they bent and swayed with powerful wind gusts. She hoped the fire season wasn’t going to be bad this year. Jack was good at his job, but it still worried her when he was out fighting fires on the total fire ban days like today. Even the most experienced firemen got it wrong sometimes.
While he’d been in the US, she’d felt isolated somehow from the daily risks he took. He’d been so far away and so out of touch that it’d all seemed faintly unreal. And she’d been struggling to come to terms with the discovery that she was pregnant.
But now he was back and he was talking to her more than he ever had before. He’d been amazing. So much more understanding than she would ever have expected her macho husband to be. While she still yearned for a declaration of love, she did have to applaud him for the sensitivity with which he’d handled her tears last night.
Her heart skipped when she replayed the words of reassurance he’d spoken as she’d got up to go to bed last night. Liz, I’m not trapped in this marriage. I want to be here. That was almost as good as an I love you. Almost.
Poor Jack.
She would never have guessed the things he’d been through, the things that had shaped the man he’d become. He didn’t want her pity, but her heart went out to him, for the child he’d been, for what he’d suffered. His struggle to look after his little sister, and probably his mother as well, was typical of a child in his situation. He’d had responsibilities far beyond his tender years loaded onto his shoulders. Drug addicts and alcoholics were usually selfish parents.
She blew the foam away from the edge of her mug and took a sip.
No wonder he didn’t want children of his own. He’d done his nurturing so young, under dreadful conditions and with such a tragic outcome.
Jack had obviously loved little Emma deeply, been happy to be her knight in shining armour all those years ago. He’d been the one the toddler had turned to when she’d needed something. Losing her that way had left a burden of guilt that couldn’t be lifted by a few sympathetic words. No matter how well chosen or well meant they were.
She needed to be practical about supporting him. Let go of her expectation for him to be an involved father. Help him succeed with whatever connection he was prepared to make with their daughter. Make sure having a child didn’t become a burden for him, something to bring back awful memories from his childhood.
She’d been prepared to be a single parent anyway so doing the lion’s share of the parenting wouldn’t be a big deal. Any help he could give her would be a bonus. If he continued to do most of the cooking she would be content with that.
She expected to feel good for making such a commendable resolution. And she did. But at the same time she felt faintly uncomfortable—as though her altruism was somehow flawed.
And more doubts crowded in as she remembered her own advice to new mothers exhausted and suffering from sleep deprivation. She always gently chided them to ask for the help they needed from their partners, pointing out that the midwife ran an excellent set of pre- and post-natal classes. Looking back on her superior attitude made her wince slightly. How easy to say what someone else should do. How much better she appreciated the difficulties now that it looked like she might be in the same situation.
But she was used to working effectively despite lack of sleep. Being a new mother shouldn’t be any worse, should it?
She arched her spine and rubbed the muscles of her lower back absent-mindedly. Being on her feet in the clinic was making her particularly tender today. Perhaps she should do a mid-stream urine and make sure she wasn’t incubating a urinary tract infection. Not something she wanted to leave untreated at this late stage.
Lord, six weeks to go and she’d be a mother. She felt much more relaxed about the news today. And she knew that was largely due to Jack’s reaction last night. He’d been marvel ous. No wonder she loved him.
They had the prenatal class tonight. Her eyes moved to the window again. If the change didn’t arrive with rain, Jack wouldn’t be able to come.
She didn’t know if she felt glad or sorry.
The air in the car was thick with tension.
Jack glanced at Liz’s profile. Her eyes were fixed on the road ahead as though a great truth would be revealed there and if she blinked she’d miss it. Her forehead was furrowed in a ferocious frown and the full, cushiony pout of her bottom lip was drawn in. She was obviously gnawing at the miss it. Her forehead was furrowed in a ferocious frown and the full, cushiony pout of her bottom lip was drawn in. She was obviously gnawing at the tender flesh.
He wondered what was going through her mind. Was it something that had happened at work today? Or was it tonight’s class that was bothering her? She’d said again and again that she’d understand if he couldn’t come. Almost as though she’d been hoping he’d have to work.
‘Hey, I fed you before we left home,’ he teased.
Her head jerked around and her eyes met his.
‘What?’ Her liberated lip was glossy with moisture. He nearly groaned. Perhaps he should have just left her to devour it. Or he could offer to help her. He’d like that. Although he wondered how many more of those incendiary kisses his system could cope with.
‘I thought you must still be hungry the way you’re hoeing into your bottom lip.’
‘Oh.’ Her tongue came out, ran across the ruby surface and disappeared. ‘I was just thinking about…the class.’
‘Yeah, I kind of guessed that. Will it help if I promise to behave myself?’
Her eyebrows arched expressively. ‘It’s a class full of heavily pregnant women, Jack. What did you think you might get up to?’
He grinned and reached out to squeeze her hands lying clenched together on her lap. ‘When you put it like that, gorgeous, not much.’
After a second her hands relaxed in his, one turning to link fingers. The intimate action filled him with contentment.
‘Speaking of pregnant women, I went in to see Danny and Sarah in hospital yesterday. You’ve put her on bed rest as well. Some problem with her pregnancy.’ He glanced at her to see her lips pursed.
‘Hmm.’
‘How is she?’
Her fingers twisted slightly in his clasp. He knew she wouldn’t discuss Sarah’s case specifically and he didn’t expect her to, but he wanted to know a bit more about the condition.
‘Didn’t they tell you?’
‘Sarah said something about clamps.’
‘Pre-eclampsia.’
‘What is it? Is it dangerous?’
‘Potentially. But as long as it’s caught early, the pregnancy can be monitored.’ She answered his last question first and was silent for so long that for a moment or two he wondered if she was going to continue. ‘Pre-eclampsia’s a complicated condition that can cause high blood pressure and kidney problems, among other things. It can be bad for the mother as well as the baby if it’s not treated. But usually it’s picked up at the prenatal check-ups.’
‘Sarah told me you had her baby wired for sound and that he’s doing well.’
‘Yes, he is.’
He could hear the relief in her voice and sympathised with her. Treating friends must be difficult.
‘How common is it?’
‘About ten per cent of pregnant women will get some degree of pre-eclampsia. Perhaps a bit less.’
‘One in ten. That still seems high. What about someone like you?’ he asked, getting to the issue that was really bothering him. ‘You have a high-pressure job, does that put you at greater risk?’
He could feel her eyes on him, but he concentrated on the road.
‘No.’
‘So you won’t get it?’
‘I can’t say that for sure, but there’s no reason why I should.’ Her fingers flexed around his, but she didn’t release her hold.
‘But you get checked regularly to make sure?’ He couldn’t stop himself from pressing.
‘Yes. As you know, I saw Tony yesterday. There was no problem with my blood pressure,’ she said dryly. ‘It was my dates that were the big problem.’
‘Yeah.’ He turned his head and caught her wry look. ‘But as problems go it’s not so bad. You’re not worried about that now, are you?’
She shrugged. ‘There just seems so much to do.’
‘And we’ll get it all done.’ He squeezed her hand lightly. ‘Trust me.’
He was pleased when that elicited a small, reluctant chuckle from Liz.
‘I know.’ He grinned. ‘Never trust a man who says trust me.’
There was a small, companionable silence.
‘Danny’s moaning about having to give up smoking or risk another lung collapse.’
‘Hmm.’
‘Mind you, he’s a considerate moaner. He’s only doing it while he’s not in the room with Sarah.’
Liz chuckled. ‘Yes. Poor Danny. Better for him if he can stop. It won’t be easy, though.’
‘No. I’m glad he’s in hospital instead of at work. He’s trying so hard to be cheerful and even-tempered for her sake, it’s a wonder he hasn’t ruptured something.’
He released her hand so he could make the turn into the car park. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her hands clench together again. At least he’d managed to take her mind off the class for a few minutes. Her tension was starting to get to him.
Surely the hands-on part that Liz had talked about couldn’t be all that bad. Besides, he was looking forward to getting his hands on more of his wife. He’d enjoyed their kisses and cuddles over the last few days while he’d been comforting her. And she hadn’t objected either. He just had to hold on to that thought for…another three months? Four? Suddenly his joking about Danny abstaining from cigarettes didn’t seem so funny.
Served himself right.
Liz smiled weakly at the other couples who greeted them as she entered the classroom with Jack. Most of them were already slouched back in the beanbags, the women sitting between their partners thighs, their backs supported on their partners’ chests. They looked so comfortable…so cosy…Oh, God. So much more intimate than they had in the previous sessions.
‘Pull up a beanbag,’ said one of the pregnant women. ‘Julie just had to duck out and grab the video.’
Liz’s pulse jumped wildly at the thought of sitting with Jack holding her that way. She didn’t dare meet his eyes lest he read her nervousness.
‘Okay, guys. It looks like everyone’s here.’ Julie, the young midwife, breezed into the class, followed by a couple of orderlies pushing the television and video trol ey. While they manoeuvred it into position at the front of the class, she said, ‘I hope we’ve all been doing our exercises.’
‘Have we?’ Jack murmured in her ear as his hand caught hers and tugged her over to a spare beanbag.
‘Yes.’ Her voice came out as a croak.
‘Aren’t we good?’
She watched him plump the bag and sit down, his long legs spreading to form a niche for her. He held his hand out to her, a challenging look on his face. ‘Come on, darlin’. You’re making the place look untidy.’
She swallowed and sank awkwardly into position. Her breath came in short gasps as she tried to cope with having her body enveloped by his.
She could feel his hard thighs alongside her hips, the warmth of him at her back, his breath on her neck. Her light clothes were no barrier against feeling his chest expand with each breath he took.
She closed her eyes, but that made the sensations even more dramatic.
‘Hmm. I could get to like this. We’re getting a beanbag.’ The rumble of his voice sent an internal shiver through her.
Relaxing music filled the classroom. ‘You can all do your Kegels while I organise the video player. Partners can do them, too. No reason why you should lounge in comfort.’
‘What on earth is a Kegel?’ Jack growled in her ear.
‘Pelvic-floor exercise,’ she said shortly.
‘These are great for helping with the delivery, and for your recovery afterwards,’ Julie said from the front. ‘And the added benefit is they’re great for your sex life.’
Liz felt a rush of need swamp her, settling as an ache low in her abdomen. The last thing she needed to think about was sex. Not while she was snugly surrounded by her husband. Not when they hadn’t made love for so, so long. Oh, God. What was Jack thinking?
‘Bonus,’ quipped one of the other fathers-to-be.
‘Amen,’ murmured Jack.
‘Anyone had any problems? No? excellent. Okay, tonight I want to talk about pain relief. Then we’ll do our stretches and have a nice relaxation before watching the birth video.’
Relaxation? In this position? Liz suppressed the giggle that threatened to escape, half-afraid it would descend out of control into hysterical laughter.
With Jack so close to her, Liz could feel his intense focus on Julie’s talk about analgesia during delivery. She frowned as she remembered his suggestion about having a Caesarean. He’d dropped the issue after she’d reassured him but she’d been left with the nagging conviction that he hadn’t been happy.
‘Any questions?’ Julie wrapped up the segment and moved on. ‘Okay, since we’ve all got partners tonight I want to do some extended stretches.’
Liz worked carefully through the positions, keeping her concentration on her movements, trying to dampen her response to Jack’s touch. She thought she was doing well until Julie had them pretzelled into a twist.
‘Ladies, I want you to breathe into the stretch and relax.’
Just about impossible with Jack leaning over her, his warm hands on her knee and her thigh. The pressure of his fingers branded her gently.
‘Partners, you can help relax her by rubbing these points.’ Julie was obviously demonstrating the position because a moment later Jack’s hand smoothed up her thigh and across her buttock.
She almost whimpered with pleasure. His touch was wonderful. His touch was torture. She was consumed with the thought of him making love to her. Could she ask him to? Could she be that bold? But what if he thought her pregnant body was unattractive? He’d been so fantastic she didn’t want to upset the link they’d forged since he’d come home. She bit down on a sob of frustration.
She couldn’t ask.
‘Are you all right? Am I pressing too hard?’
‘No, no. S-something in my eye.’
‘Vary the pressure,’ instructed Julie. ‘Partners, massage is a tool for you to take into the birthing room. Practise it as often as you can. But don’t forget that when it comes to the actual delivery there might be times when she doesn’t want to be touched so try to tune into what she needs.’
Jack’s hands had touched her nearly everywhere. Rubbing her lower back while she knelt on her hands and knees, kneading her shoulders while she practised squatting, stroking her stomach while she was relaxing. She’d watched his face then, seen the smile that played around his mouth as the baby pushed back against his pressure. He looked…enthralled. Not at all like a man who didn’t want children. Could he be changing his mind? She looked away, blinking back the sudden urge to weep for him.
By the time Julie was ready to put on the video, every inch of Liz’s skin felt as though it had been caressed and kneaded. Exhausted from the roller-coaster of physical and emotional sensations that had racketed through her during the evening, she settled back in the beanbag with Jack.
His arms came around her, holding her, his hands on hers and his cheek beside her hair. The position was undeniably comfortable and just sitting, resting against his body as they waited for the programme to start, was bliss.
The video was a shock.
Sure, she’d delivered babies, knew all the technicalities, the correct terms, the potential problems and interventions that might be necessary for a birth. Perhaps if her path to getting pregnant had been smooth and planned, the idea of Jack being at the birth would have been a delight.
Instead, the images flashing on the screen drove home the confronting intimacy of the experience they would share in six weeks.
With her mind in turmoil, she didn’t notice Jack’s tension until the video reached the delivery scene. His fingers tightened on hers as the woman moaned in pain. The minor discomfort made her aware of the stiffness in his frame surrounding her. She looked up to see his face carved in grim lines.
‘Jack?’
‘Hmm?’ A muscle in his jaw jumped, but he didn’t take his eyes off the screen.
Liz turned back to watch the rest of the straightforward delivery. She sighed in resignation. His push for a Caesarean was probably going to take on a whole new impetus after this.
Liz searched for the words to reassure him as he slid into the driver’s seat a little later. She looked at his profile, the set jaw, the tight mouth.
His hands on the steering-wheel flexed as he sat staring moodily through the windscreen.
‘It won’t seem so graphic when you’re in the birthing suite, Jack.’
‘Why?’ He turned, focussing his brooding gaze on her. ‘Will you have a Caesarean?’
‘No. But—’
‘Or an epidural?’
‘Not if I don’t need one, no.’
‘Then I don’t see how you can give me that reassurance.’
Liz regarded him somberly for a moment. ‘What is it that’s worrying you about this?’
‘I was a big baby. My sister was a big baby.’ He grimaced. ‘We nearly ripped Janet apart when she gave birth to us. She was lucky to survive.’
‘Did she tell you that?’
‘Yes. Often.’
Was there no end to the guilt his mother had been prepared to burden him with? Liz looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. How was she going to fight the damage done to the man she loved?
‘Jack, your—Janet had an ill ness. Her drug addiction made her say things that no one should say to a child. You have to let those things go.’
She wasn’t reaching him at all. She touched his arm, feeling the tautness of his muscles. ‘Darling, you don’t have to come to the birth if you don’t want to.’
He shifted, reaching for the ignition, breaking the contact. Liz squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to let his action hurt. He’d come so far, she had to give him time. But their baby was due in six short weeks. So little time to heal all the scars his mother had left.
‘I’ll be there.’