If I Tell

CHAPTER eight



My mind wandered, refusing to concentrate on the test lying on the desk in front of me. I flicked my pencil up and down and glanced up, catching Jackson watching me. He flashed a smile. I swallowed a desire to stick my tongue out at him and then flushed, realizing I also had an urge to stick my tongue right inside his mouth. To kiss him.

Oh. My. God. What was wrong with me? I ducked my head quickly. How could I be fantasizing about that with Jackson after what had happened with Nathan?

I tried to focus on the exam and not squirm with embarrassment every time I remembered something I’d said to Jackson in his car, but even as I finished the last essay question, I knew I wouldn’t be proud when the grades came back. I should have cared more, but I didn’t.

The bell rang, and as Mr. Dustan got up to collect the papers from our desks, I scrambled to grab my backpack from under my chair. Feet walked up next to mine. Bigger feet, wearing Converse shoes. Upside down, I stared at them.

“So. You survived?” Jackson’s deep voice asked.

I swallowed and sat up. I nodded and stood, pretending to be a lot calmer than I felt.

“Did you have a bad hangover?” Jackson asked.

It took a lot of muscles to force out a fake smile. “It wasn’t too bad.” I wondered if heads could explode from embarrassment. I considered running out of the room screaming. That might be less humiliating.

“Good.”

Go away, I thought in my head. Go. Away.

He stayed. “They say the best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk. But I wouldn’t suggest it for a lightweight like you.”

“Probably not the best idea.” I was a little too freaked for a witty comeback.

“Probably not.”

“So?” he said as if he expected me to say more.

My heart thumped in my chest. I read tiny white words on his black shirt. His tight black shirt. His chest was awesome. I squinted to read: “Sometimes when I’m alone I google myself.” I smiled and tried to make myself say something. Nothing.

“You working tonight?” he asked.

“Um. Yeah.”

He nodded but didn’t bolt to escape my lame conversational skills, probably sticking because he felt sorry for my dorky ass. At least when I was drunk I hadn’t been afraid to talk. I heard giggling behind us and turned my head.

“Oh. What’s this? Have we got ourselves a little interracial love match?” said Tina Fawcett, a nasty girl with huge boobs and a tiny IQ.

In first grade I’d invited her over for a play date when she first moved down the street from me. She’d come, but when I went to her house, she told me her father didn’t want her playing with “someone like me.” I’d gone home in tears. That was the first time I’d ever heard Grandpa swear. He told me to stay away from Tina, and I took his advice.

I remembered her voice screaming at the pool though. She had been one of the first to start the taunts, but I was lucky that she’d chosen to ignore me all these years since.

“Screw off,” Jackson told Tina nonchalantly without even looking at her.

Tina opened her eyes wide, glancing at her friends, and then she stared at Jackson as if offering him a challenge. Boys weren’t supposed to talk back to her. Her boobs were supposed to prevent that.

Jackson smiled at me, ignoring her. “Tell me you’re not a freak too.”

“You didn’t hear?” I fought to match his calm as I zipped up my backpack, ignoring the girls eyeballing us. I stepped away from my desk, and Jackson stepped aside to give me room. “Apparently my skin makes me dirty.” My heart pumped with my audacity. But talking to Ashley about almost drowning had made the memory fresher, and I wasn’t a scared eleven-year-old anymore.

Tina didn’t even flinch. “Now here’s a match made in crack heaven,” she spit out. “The druggie and the not-quite-black girl.”

My heart tripped over itself, but Jackson didn’t even glance her way. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “Remember what I said about gossip and judging?” He spoke so close that I felt moisture on my ear and smelled peppermint gum on his breath. Goose bumps covered my arms. “She’s not worth getting into it with.”

I forced myself to take another step to put space between Jackson and myself so he wouldn’t see my reaction to him. He winked and turned for the door. “I’m going this way. You coming?” He gestured right with his thumb.

“Just a minute.” I pretended to search for something in the front of my backpack. Being left alone with Tina and her friends was better than walking with Jackson. “Go ahead. I’m going the other way.”

He ignored Tina and her friends as if they were insignificant dust particles. “Sure you’re okay?”

“Fine.”

“Okay. I’ll see you at work tonight.” He hesitated and then shrugged and walked out of the classroom.

“You gettin’ it on with the bad boy?” Tina demanded as soon as he was gone.

I ignored her and watched him disappear into the hallway, sort of wishing I was, and then tried to rid my brain of those thoughts.

“Are you?” she asked.

I jutted out my jaw and glared at Tina’s smirking face. Her eyes flickered with disappointment when I didn’t show outward signs of being intimidated. Inside, my nerves were jittering like crazy, but Grandpa and experience taught me well over the years.

“Never let ’em see you sweat, Jazzie. Stand tall. Never let ’em know what you’re thinking.”

I kept my expression neutral, knowing Tina thrived on weakness. She’d ignored me for years, but I knew she marched around the school treating people like crap and drumming up hours of business for local therapists. The school psychologist should pay her a commission. And she had the nerve to call Jackson the bad boy. Worst thing he’d probably done to her was refuse to kiss her ass.

“Am I trespassing on your property?” I asked sweetly. In the back of my head an alarm silently rang. Who did I think I was, taking on Tina? “Or maybe he wasn’t interested.”

Nadine, her follower, made a tiny squealing sound. “Oh, my God, she can talk,” she said and giggled.

Tina glared at me. “Gross. I’m sure I’d get an STD just kissing him. Guys like him have been around, you know.” Tina snapped her gum and jutted her hip out.

Please, even I knew Tina had slept with half the football team.

“Well, I guess you have something in common,” I politely told her.

“Oh, my God. I can’t believe she said that,” Nadine shrieked.

Truthfully, I couldn’t believe it either.

“You’re one to talk. Hanging out with that slut Lacey Stevens.” Tina glared at me. “She’ll screw anything that moves.”

So much for flying under the radar. I blinked, surprised and slightly alarmed. How did she even know Lacey? They didn’t exactly hang in the same crowds. Did she know about Simon? Had someone else seen them?

Tina crossed her arms across her overdeveloped chest and sneered at me. “What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?”

“Why do you care who my friends are?” I asked.

Snap. Snap. She clacked her jaw, chomping on her gum. “Oh, please. Friends? And as if anyone cares about you.”

“You did say she was talented,” a girl said. Carly. I remembered holding hands with her at recess in second grade. Before it became social suicide to touch me. Or talk to me.

Tina shot her a death glance. “I said I would never act like I was cool and superior, showing off my singing and guitar like a friggin’ busker looking for spare quarters. That’s hardly a compliment.” She glared at me.

“I guess you have no choice but to hang out with white trash like Lacey. No one around here has wanted anything to do with you since you almost drowned yourself. Oh. Except that lesbian. And now the juvenile delinquent. You’re probably desperate enough to do both of them to keep them around.” The girls around her laughed, but they sounded nervous. “You sure do know how to pick ’em. I guess you don’t have a lot of choice. Half-breed and all. ”

The hair on my arms rose. I stood straighter. Every inch of my body went into flight mode, even though I had several inches on Tina in her heels versus my flat sneakers. I took a deep breath. I wouldn’t run. “You know nothing about me.”

Or my color, I silently added.

She grinned. There was no friendliness in the smirk. “My sister told me you were fooling around with some black guy. Trust me, there’s not a lot I don’t know about people at this school.” She smirked again as my head felt close to exploding with anger. “Even you.

“I heard he’s cute. For a black guy.” Tina flashed an evil grin. “You know what they say about black guys. I may consider giving it a try. Wouldn’t be hard to take a man from you.”

The girls giggled, all except Carly. She stared at Tina, frowning.

“What?” Tina said to her. “You know what they say about black guys. I’m not prejudiced.”

My heart pounded as the girls swarmed off in their group. I watched them strut away, unable to utter a word. They were pretty. A blond, a redhead, and a brunette. Carly looked back at me and kind of grimaced.

God. Would I have been forced to hang out with them and pretend to believe what Tina believed if I’d had a white father? That a group of guys were all the same because of their color? Would I be shallow and judgmental and part of a stupid school clique?

People pretended my color wasn’t what made me different. It was me, they said. I shut people out. Even Grandma and Grandpa said my skin didn’t define me; it didn’t matter. But obviously, it did.

I slowly made my way to the hallway. Carly was standing outside the door, waiting for me. Alone.

“Tina asked Jackson out,” she said in a quiet voice. “He turned her down.” She hugged her textbooks to her chest. “He likes you, and she knows it. She’ll try and take it out on you. I’d be careful. She can be really mean.”

I didn’t say anything.

She started walking away and then stopped and turned back. “I think it’s cool that you play guitar and write your own music,” she said. “I’ve heard you sing. You have a lot of talent. Tina hates it. She’s jealous. She thinks she’s a great singer, but she couldn’t even get a part in the senior musical. You should have gone out for it.”

“I’m not the school-play type,” I told her.

She bent her head. “I know.”

She turned then but didn’t move. Slowly she circled back. Her cheeks were red, and she took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know no one ever talks about what we did. But I’ve never forgotten it. I don’t think anyone has.”

My body froze in place. I dropped my gaze to the ground, wishing she would go away. Stop talking.

“I wanted to tell someone what happened to you. Back in elementary school. For a long time. But I was too afraid. I saw the way you were shunned. I’m sorry I was such a chicken. I’ve never forgotten.” She spun back around and hurried away.

I didn’t know if her confession made me feel better or worse.

***

I walked into Grinds early for my shift, repositioning my guitar case on my shoulder. I’d popped home after school and picked it up and stopped at the park to play some songs. Cold as it was in the park, playing cleared my head. My brain was swirling with old emotions better buried or picked away on my guitar strings.

I almost didn’t pick up the guitar, remembering what Tina said, that I was trying to look cool. But I wasn’t doing it to impress Tina or anyone else. Music kept me sane. Maybe the fact that it bugged her should cheer me up a little.

“So,” Lacey called out in a singsong voice from a table in the café. “What’s up with you and Nathan?”

“Nothing,” I snapped to cover my embarrassment. “Nothing is up with me and Nathan,” I repeated for emphasis.

“Is that right?” a deep voice asked. “I definitely thought something was up.”

Nathan was slouched over a chair behind Lacey’s. She opened her eyes wider and lifted her hands in a defenseless pose. “He made me,” she mouthed.

I didn’t see any restraints on her.

Nathan glared at me. “Why’d you take off on me? You ignored my calls all weekend too.”

My stomach turned. I fought an urge to rush away. I didn’t want to deal with Nathan, but I also didn’t want him thinking we had something going on.

“My cell was out of juice. You didn’t call my house,” I stammered.

“Like I’d call your house. Your grandma would freak if she knew we were hooking up.”

“We’re not hooking up.” My insides recoiled as if he’d asked me to perform live with him at a rap concert.

“Why not? I thought we were cool,” he said as if we’d been more than drinks and hormones.

Was he serious? He thought we were an item? I sighed and plunked down in the seat beside Lacey and slid my guitar under the table.

“Sorry, Nathan.” I breathed deep and searched my brain for words. “I drank too much. It was stupid. We’re friends. Let’s not get weird, okay? Can’t we pretend it never happened?” I flashed a feeble smile and glimpsed at Lacey for help.

“Pretend it never happened?” Nathan pounded the table with his fist. “You weren’t acting like a friend.”

I shrunk down farther in my seat.

“Nathan. Chill,” Lacey barked. “Leave her alone. She’s a kid. She doesn’t usually drink, and she’s not experienced.”

“She’s experienced now.” Nathan’s voice sounded ugly.

I glared at him, the echo of my heart thumping loudly in my ears. I opened my mouth to defend myself when Jackson walked up to the table.

“Hey. How’s it going?” He touched my arm, and something about it felt protective.

My skin tingled and my face burned.

“Hey,” Jackson said to Lacey. He didn’t greet Nathan.

“What do you want?” Nathan snarled.

“Relax, my friend.” Jackson sat in the chair to my left. He raised his hand. “I come in peace.”

Nathan slammed his fist down on the table again, so hard this time that it shook. “Screw you,” he said to Jackson. “And screw you,” he spit at Lacey. “And screw you too,” he said to me. “Or maybe I already did?”

“You did not!” I yelped.

“Grow up.” Lacey pointed to the exit of the coffee shop. “Get out of here until you cool off.”

I glanced around the café. All eyes were on us. I wanted to crawl under the table.

“Amber’ll ban you if you keep this up,” Lacey told him.

Nathan leaped to his feet and gave her the finger. He glared down at me and stormed out of the café.

“Hmmm. I guess you’re not on his Christmas list,” Jackson said.

A loud laugh escaped my throat, like an unexpected hiccup.

Lacey crossed her arms over her chest. “Nathan’s being an a*shole because he feels rejected.”

“Well, he must act like an a*shole a lot then,” Jackson quipped.

I giggled again but covered my mouth when Lacey scowled. I couldn’t help it. My nerves, plus relief that he’d left, made me giddy.

“You know how he feels about you, Jaz. You shouldn’t laugh at him,” she said.

“How he feels?” I turned my nose up.

“He has a thing for Jaz,” Lacey said to Jackson but her eyes stayed on me.

“He has a thing for every girl who breathes.”

Jackson leaned across the table. “Hold your breath around him in the future,” he whispered.

I ducked my head, but it was too late to hide my smile.

Lacey cleared her throat and tossed her hair over her shoulder. “I’ve gotta go get washed up before my shift.” She stood. “Don’t forget who your real friends are.” She ignored Jackson and spun on her heels and walked away.

Jackson watched her go. “I guess that doesn’t include me.”

“She should talk.” I chewed my lip, the light mood gone for good.

“I thought she was your BFF.” Jackson made quote marks in the air.

“So did I. I was wrong.”

He brushed his bangs out of his eyes. “So, how come you hang out with those two anyway?”

“Lacey is my best friend. Was my best friend,” I corrected myself. “Nathan and her go way back. They’re roommates.”

“They’re a lot older than you.” He twirled his hoop earring as he studied me. “You really shouldn’t mess around with him.”

I ducked my head and kept my eyes on the table. “I’m not. Anyhow, Lacey has been my friend since I was fourteen.” I had an urge to cry. Because she wasn’t my friend now. Not anymore. And Nathan wasn’t my friend either. I wouldn’t miss him though. He never really had been.

Jackson held out his hand. “All I’m saying is maybe you need some friends on the same page.”

“I have Ashley.”

He shrugged.

“She goes to our school. The swimmer. She hangs out at Marnie’s too.”

He nodded. “I’ve seen her around. I don’t know her. ”

I didn’t want to explain further, so I pretended to study my nails. Easy for him to talk about making friends. He’d barely lived in Tadita six months and already got invited to parties. He probably made friends by dealing. It explained the calls on his cell.

“Nathan’s not your type, and I don’t mean because he’s black.”

I glared at him. “Nathan is not my boyfriend. And that has nothing to do with it.”

“Good. He’s too old for you.”

He stared at me until I blushed and looked away.

“So who are you interested in then? Maybe you need a real boyfriend.”

My stomach flipped, and my cheeks warmed. I prayed he couldn’t tell my mind had conjured up a picture of him. Him as my boyfriend.

The trouble was that his voice sounded casual, almost brotherly, as if he was about to suggest setting me up on a blind date. Just what I needed. Love help from the juvenile delinquent I secretly crushed on. Man. I was seriously messed up.

Jackson pointed to my guitar. “How about someone who digs Neil Diamond?” He smiled and my heart actually hurt.

I leaped up, unable to sit still and listen to him trying to set me up. “We should get ready for work.” I picked up my guitar case and slung it over my shoulder.

Jackson glanced at the clock on the wall. “Yup. I guess we should.”

“It’s not really your business, you know. Who my friends are.”

He lifted his shoulder. “Fair enough. Just that I thought I was one, you know? Seems to me you’re a girl who could use some laughs.” He got to his feet and held out his hand. “After you.”

I scooted past him a little too closely, and his hand brushed against the exposed part of my skin. A shiver tingled up and down my back, but thankfully he didn’t seem to notice my reaction.

“Maybe you could play your guitar just for me someday,” he said.

“Maybe you could hand over your next paycheck.”

He laughed, but his cell rang, and he turned his back to me and answered it.

“Yeah. I got your stuff,” I heard him say into the phone.

Great. Friends with a drug dealer. Grandpa had to be rolling in his grave. Again.

***

Over the next few weeks, Jackson and I worked a lot of the same shifts at Grinds. I wondered if it had anything to do with Amber’s scheduling. She liked to nag me about needing more friends my own age and was probably stepping in. I liked talking to Jackson, but we had an unspoken agreement. Some things we didn’t discuss. Lacey. Nathan. His phone calls that I suspected had to do with drugs. I ignored them because his offer of friendship had become a pseudo-reality. My first friendship with a boy.

I kept forgetting to bring his hoodie to work, and he eventually told me not to worry about it, and I kind of claimed it as my own. I didn’t wear it, but I wrapped it on my shoulders to keep warm when playing guitar in my room.

I thought about inviting Ashley to hang at the coffee shop to show people I wasn’t as bad off as everyone thought, but she had swim practices after school. Besides, I didn’t want to subject her to Lacey’s wrath.

Ashley invited me to swim with her, but that wasn’t going to happen. She also asked me to hang with her and Marnie, but I didn’t want to be a third wheel and said no.

Lacey’s calls and pleas for forgiveness eventually tapered off. I never stayed for coffee with her or Nathan after work, and I didn’t go to parties or hang at their house anymore. The time I used to spend with Lacey I spent alone playing the guitar. I wrote some new songs, driven by feelings I couldn’t express any other way.

I kept my distance from my expanding Mom too, because when I saw her stomach, all I could think about was Simon. The secret ate away at me, but I couldn’t do anything except keep it inside and hope that was the right thing to do. Sometimes I wished I’d never been at that party, that I’d never seen Simon and Lacey.

I wondered what was worse, knowing or not knowing?