If I Tell

CHAPTER four



The holidays came and went. I managed to avoid my mom and dodge her calls until she caught me off guard by calling my cell from an unlisted number. I’d just finished a shift at Grinds, and when I answered and heard her voice, I swiveled on my chair away from Lacey. She’d parked herself at my table and was across from me, sipping coffee and flipping through a celebrity magazine.

I zoned out as Mom went on and on about me not returning her calls. She kept talking, but I didn’t pay attention until I heard her calling my name.

“Jaz? Jaz? Are you listening?”

I refocused on her voice. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said Simon wants to take us out for supper tomorrow night. Do you think you could possibly make it this time?” Even over the phone her crankiness was tangible. Pregnancy seemed to be catching up with her fast. “You haven’t seen him since Christmas.”

“Uh. Sorry. I already have plans.” I chewed my fingernail and swirled back to face the table but kept my eyes off Lacey.

Mom blew out a big breath of air. “Okay,” she finally said, her voice strained as if she was trying really hard not to freak out on me. “So when? What’s your work schedule like this week?”

“Busy, very busy.” I said, and glanced up. Lacey was pretending not to eavesdrop as she licked her finger and flipped a magazine page.

“Come on, Jasmine. You’ve ignored Simon since you found out we’re pregnant. He’s tried giving you space, but he thinks you’re still mad at him. He’s going to be the father of your brother or sister and your stepfather, so deal with it.” She sighed loudly.

I chewed my lip. “He’s not my stepfather unless there was a wedding I didn’t hear about.”

“Well, he might be someday. Jaz, what’s the matter? You and Simon used to get along great. What’s going on? Is it the baby?”

“No. It’s nothing. I’m just super busy. Actually, I’m working on homework right now, so I should really go.” I wanted to hang up. Forget Mom and her stupid baby. Forget her stupid boyfriend and the kiss I couldn’t wipe out of my memory no matter how hard I tried.

Lacey looked up and raised her eyebrows, but I ignored her.

“We need to work this out,” my mom said.

“There’s nothing to work out.”

“What’s wrong with you?” she snapped impatiently, definitely not sounding like her usual self.

“Nothin’. I’ll talk to you later.” I pressed End.

“Whatever,” I said, even though the phone had no dial tone. I shut it and threw it on the table.

Lacey smirked at me. “Homework?” she asked. “I didn’t know you lied.”

“You want me to tell her the truth about why I’m avoiding Simon?” I asked.

Lacey looked down at her magazine, pretending she wasn’t the reason for my new case of liar, liar, pants on fire. My leg bounced up and down under the table, and I fought the urge to get up and bolt.

Hands slid over my eyes then, blocking my sight. “Hey, sexy,” a deep burly voice growled in my ear, tickling my earlobe. “Want to run away with me?”

“Hey, Nathan.” His voice was his most distinctive quality, rich and powerful, like a radio disc jockey’s.

Nathan and Lacey were two misfits who’d been friends in high school. For once I was glad he constantly orbited around Lacey and always flirted with me. Usually it made me uncomfortable, but right then he was a welcome distraction.

I pulled his hands off my eyes, turned to him, and smiled. He grinned down at me, looking a little surprised by the friendly welcome, but he gave me his trademark two-fingered “hang loose” sign. Bracelets dangled from his dark wrists, and gold chains twirled in layers around his neck. He had giant, fake diamond earrings in both ears. Bargain-basement bling. Nathan’s impression of big-city black. He’d visited New York a while back and returned to Tadita using gangsta slang.

Most people around here just ignored him or stared at him like he was from another planet. Eventually he toned it down. Once when he’d been drunk, he’d told me that his cousin in New York accused him of acting white. I guess that’s what brought on the change. “I ain’t white,” he’d told me as if it was a bad thing. How was that supposed to make me feel? Had he looked at my mom lately?

“How’d you know it was me?” Nathan turned his chair backward and straddled it.

“Besides the fact that you reek like a forest fire from all your chain-smoking?” Lacey threw down her magazine. She made a face at him, but it was an old argument.

The tiny old house that the two of them rented was messy and smelled like smoke, but despite her complaining, neither of them seemed to care. They’d moved in after high school, both needing to get away from home for different reasons: Lacey because stepfather number two developed an intense interest in her well-being, and Nathan because his stepfather used him as a punching bag.

Nathan discovered that his thrill for heights could make him serious money in the construction business and had found a house he could afford to live in. Lacey followed, and he let her pay a third of the rent instead of half.

“Your hands feel like sandpaper,” I said, thankful for the interruption. “And how could I mistake that voice? Anyhow, I’m smarter than I look.”

“You look smart enough to run away with me.” He grinned. “Nothing stopping you.”

“Except about four years.” Lacey leaned across the table to smack his head. “She’s jailbait. Leave her alone.”

“Jaz is wise beyond her years,” Nathan said, running a hand across his shaved head.

“Too wise to fall for your crap,” Lacey said.

I ignored the insults flying back and forth and sneaked a peek behind the coffee counter. In the Pit, Jackson was whipping up a special coffee for a regular customer. He smiled a half grin and tugged at his earring. He truly rocked the apron with a complete lack of effort. I lifted my fingers to wave at him and then blushed harder.

He wasn’t even looking at me. He was beaming at a skinny blond girl approaching the counter. I tucked my hand in my lap and dropped my glance to the table. What did I expect? He’d wave and then leap across the counter and ask me out?

So what if he was nice to me? So what if my insides fluttered when he flirted with me? Which he did on a regular basis. Was I actually crushing on him? As far as I could tell Jackson flirted with every girl who came within ten feet of him. I thought about Grandpa. He would definitely not have approved of a drug dealer. But then I remembered my vow not to listen to the rumors about Jackson and frowned.

“I want to go to a party,” I announced, interrupting Lacey and Nathan, who thankfully had been too busy arguing to see my lame wave at a boy not even looking at me. “Who will buy me some beer?”

They both stopped talking and stared at me as if I’d suddenly sprouted fairy wings.

“What? It’s not like I’ve never been to a party before,” I said. The anger in the pit of my stomach wouldn’t go away. I intended to drown it.

“No,” Lacey said. “But you’ve never demanded to go to one in that voice before. You sound totally grouchy.”

“And you’re not usually the beer type, kid,” Nathan added.

“More like Dr Pepper,” Lacey said.

“Well, things change,” I said. “I’m bored. Bored with coffee. Bored with school. Bored with everything.”

I didn’t add that I was bored with Grandma’s nonstop chatter about the new baby. Bored with Lacey talking about herself. Bored with Ashley training for swim meets with no time for me outside school.

Lacey’s eyebrows arched. “You sure everything’s okay?”

“Fine. I just want to have some fun for once. Is that so wrong?”

“Can’t blame a girl for wanting to have fun,” Nathan said.

Lacey twirled hair around her finger. “That was your mom on the phone earlier? How’s she doing? With Simon and the baby and stuff.”

“Who cares?” I didn’t meet her eyes. I didn’t want to talk about them. Especially not with her.

Nathan grinned. “Marnie’s having a bash tonight. We can go there to party.”

I pushed back on my chair and jumped to my feet. “Good. Will you buy me some beer?” I pulled a crumpled twenty from the front pocket of my jeans.

Nathan grabbed the money. “I’ll buy two cases if that’s what you want.” He untangled himself from his chair and slung an arm across my shoulder.

“Nathan, she’s just a kid,” Lacey said.

“Thanks, Nathan.” I didn’t squirm away from him like I normally did. I glared at Lacey. “I already have a mother, you know. In fact, I have two.”

“I’m just sayin’.” Lacey held up her hands. “Whatever. It’s your hangover.”

“Like you said, she’s young. Hangovers don’t last. Come on.” Nathan led me toward the exit.

I glanced back at Jackson. The blond he’d been smiling at had vanished, but he was talking to someone else. I put a little wiggle in my walk. As if I knew what sexy even looked like.

***

“Whoa. Slow down a little.” Lacey chugged the remains of a beer and squished up beside me on an old brown corduroy couch in Marnie’s living room. I leaned over to the cooler in front of us and grabbed another bottle, twisting off the cap and pitching it on the carpet like a normal irresponsible party person. I felt pleasantly dizzy.

I giggled, an unnatural noise. Even my stomach loosened, like I’d relaxed a fist inside. More likely, I’d drowned it. Why hadn’t I done this before? Drinking made the party much more interesting. For once I’d become one of the fuzzy, happy ones.

Usually I hung back and observed the older kids crammed into Marnie’s small house. Stoners hung in the kitchen and drinkers in the living room, while couples hooked up upstairs. When Ashley was there, she’d hang out with me and we’d talk about music or I’d play guitar, but for some reason she wasn’t at this party. Just as well.

“Hey, good looking.” Nathan slid onto the couch, pressing his leg suggestively up against mine. He always did that to tease me and I always moved away, but this time I left my leg where it was, feeling the warmth. The connection.

He put his hand on my knee and squeezed. I reached over and squeezed his knee back, giggling.

“Whoa. You are getting hammered,” he said.

“Got a problem with that?” I swallowed back a hiccup and grinned.

He slid an arm over my shoulder. “Not even a little if it makes you this friendly.”

I leaned against him. Drunk, I relaxed as his fingers massaged my shoulders, working out knots.

A song blared over the speakers in the living room. I couldn’t name it if I’d tried, but I was feeling it. Lacey jumped up from beside me and grabbed the hand of some guy standing with his buddy near the couch.

“Dance with me,” she demanded and pouted her lips in her practiced sexy way. She wiggled in front of him, shaking her money-makers.

The guy’s friend punched him on the shoulder in a congratulatory salute as he pulled Lacey to the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the tiny living room. The two of them immediately started grinding.

Nathan rubbed my neck to the beat of the song and we watched Lacey.

“He is so getting lucky tonight.” I leaned against Nathan. “Lacey is such a sure thing.”

He laughed his agreement.

I closed one eye to focus on them as they moved to the beat of the song blasting on the stereo. I wondered what it was like. What sex was like.

“I don’t blame her this time. That boy is seriously hot,” I slurred.

Nathan stopped massaging my neck and leaned toward my ear. “You’re not interested in guys like that.”

I studied the guy dancing with Lacey. Tight T-shirt. Low riding jeans. Boots. Long blond hair and stocky build. The polar opposite of Simon, thank God.

“No. Tonight I think I am.” I hiccuped and giggled, finding myself terribly funny.

“Nah. Stick with your own kind.” He buried his face in my neck, tickling me with his breath. “Did I mention I’m deep and intellectual?”

I punched him on his shoulder. “My own kind? I don’t have my own kind.” I poked my finger into his scrawny chest, brave from the liquor surging through my veins. “And anyhow, who said you’re deep and intellectual?”

“I know I am.” He blew softly in my ear. “You may not be all black, but you’re all beautiful.”

“Gee, thanks.” I hiccuped again and supported myself against him.

“You’re black enough for me,” he whispered.

“Not anyone else. And by the way, who said construction workers are intellectual? That’s not a job qualification. And the only time you’re deep is when you smoke too much dope.” I shook my finger at him and took another swig of beer. “Don’t you know that’s very bad for you?”

“You don’t need a degree to be smart,” he mumbled.

“Tell my grandma that.” I lifted my bottle in a salute and imitated her voice. “Jasmine, the most important thing you will need in the world is a college degree.”

He laughed. “Yeah? Well, a brother knocked up your mom when she was sixteen. That didn’t require a degree.”

“Seventeen. And she got her degree after I was born. Instead of raising me, she let my grandparents do it.” I raised my bottle in another toast and took a big swig.

“I guess she kind of sucked at being a mom.”

I laughed until beer leaked out of my nose, which made me laugh harder while I mopped it up with my sleeve. “You think?”

“I saw her and Simon the other day. He was rubbing her belly like he’d done something really great.”

“Ha! A lot of talent it takes to get my mom pregnant. Not like he’s the first.” I turned my attention back to Lacey and her dance partner.

Nathan touched my hand. “You pissed? About your mom being pregnant?”

“Why would I care?” I leaned back as the room spun in pleasant circles.

“I don’t know. You’ll be a sister. Maybe that’ll be cool?”

“Nathan. Shut up about my mom and Simon.” The conversation detracted from my happy buzz.

He lightly stroked the back of my hand. Nice little jolts rolled over my skin. I lifted my bottle to my lips, watching Nathan. His eyelids looked droopy, almost sexy. When he slowly licked his lips, an unexpected surge rushed through me.

Nathan?

I was drunk. Very drunk.

He reached for me, took the bottle from my hand, and leaned forward in slow motion. I watched his head move toward me. His full lips pried mine open. They were soft and wet. I tasted smoke. I inhaled the smell of beer on his breath.

He pulled away from me, sighing and smiling. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long, long time.”

An alarm rang in my head, but it was fuzzy. How far was this going to go? I didn’t say anything. For a minute, I dropped my eyes and enjoyed being wanted.

He leaned down and pressed his cheek against mine. “You okay? I mean, is this okay?”

I didn’t answer, which seemed to pass for shyness. He stood and pulled on my hand. “Come on. Let’s go somewhere a little more private.”

I wondered if Nathan could take away my emptiness. I held his darker hand and allowed myself to be led stumbling toward the stairs, passing couples dancing or making out. Nathan slid an arm around my waist when I tripped. He led me up the stairs into a dark bedroom.

“Jaz,” he whispered. His hand touched my hair, and he rubbed it gently between his fingers. He looked almost sinister in the dark. “You’re so beautiful.”

My eyes slowly adjusted to the blackness. A dresser was covered with clothes and pushed up against the wall. Behind a tiny door to the right was a small bathroom. And in the middle of the room a big bed mocked me.

“Marnie’s room,” Nathan whispered and licked my neck.

I guessed he’d been there before and I had an urge to laugh at how ridiculous we were acting. Making out and sneaking off to Marnie’s messy room in the middle of a drinking party. He kissed me again on the mouth, sticking his tongue in deeper. I tried to feel a little bit of the glow I’d felt earlier. Zilch. Nausea zipped from my stomach to my throat.

I pulled away, my buzz fading. I opened my mouth to tell Nathan I’d never gone past kissing a boy from a different school in eighth grade. A boy who later told me it had been a dare to see if he could get the skinny black girl to kiss him. He’d won twenty bucks, thanks to me.

Nathan shushed me before I could get out a word and pulled me toward the bed in the middle of the room. A cheap floral bedspread covered it, the colors faded and worn. Like me. I wanted to curl up in a little ball inside the covers.

Nathan kissed me again and I resisted, but he didn’t seem to notice. He pushed me back so I was sitting on the bed. I tried to squirm away, but he chuckled and bent over, making funny noises in his throat.

“Don’t be shy. It’s just me.” The weight of his body pressed on top of me. His necklaces dangled down against my skin. “You want this. You want it.”

Did I? Was this what I wanted?

Claustrophobia strangled me. My stomach lurched with nausea. I pushed my hands against him but he resisted. His ribs poked against my skin. My hip bones ached as he crushed against me.

“No, Nathan. I don’t want to,” I whispered.

He groaned. “Oh, baby, you do. This is exactly what you want. It’s okay. I love you. I love you.”

My eyes closed. This was all my fault. I’d gotten myself into this mess with my own stupidity. I held back tears and shame as he struggled to undo my tight jeans.

“No.” I reached down to push him away.

“It’s okay,” he interrupted. “You’re beautiful. Let me see you.”

He grabbed my wrists and held them back. I shook my head.

“No,” I said but it came out weakly, without conviction, and he didn’t hear me. No one heard me. God. I was such an idiot. I deserved this. I gritted my teeth, and tears spilled down my cheeks. I was alone. Violated. Exactly what I deserved.

“No,” I said louder. “I don’t want to.” I brought my knee up. Not enough to hurt him but enough to alarm him.

He groaned and moved back. “Hey.” He stopped struggling and collapsed on top of me. “What the hell?”

I stared at the ceiling. His full body weight took the breath out of me, and I pushed to get him off. He rolled over and up onto his elbow. His dark skin, even darker in the shadows, made mine look pale, almost white. I stared at it, aching.

“What are you playin’ at?” He sat up, rubbing his bald head.

I blinked back fresh tears and bit my lip but didn’t answer.

He pushed himself off the bed, shaking his head. “You’re a tease.” He swore as he zipped up his pants. I didn’t even know they’d been undone. “You’re lucky, you know. Not everyone would stop after the way you were leading me on.”

I swallowed hard to keep bile inside. “Thank you,” I said with as much sarcasm as I could muster.

“Shit.” He shook his head again and coughed. “I forget how young you are sometimes. Seventeen.”

I sat up and hugged my arms around myself.

The corner of his top lip turned upward. He reached for my hand. “Not many chicks are still innocent at your age. I kind of like it. I guess I can wait for you. For a little while.”

I pulled away, pretending to scratch behind my back.

“Don’t worry. This wasn’t a onetime thing,” he said softly. “I’m into you.”

I shook my head quickly back and forth. No. It was definitely a onetime thing. Alcohol induced. I wanted no part of doing that again. My head swam from the amount I’d drunk. So much for forgetting my problems. I’d just made them worse.

As I got up, the charms on my bracelet clanged softly against each other. I hoped dead people couldn’t see what was happening. Grandpa Joe would have keeled over at my behavior. Well, keeled over again.

“You need a drink?” Nathan asked.

“No,” I said quickly. “Go on down. I’ll be there in a minute or so.” My cheeks flamed, and I willed him to go away.

He leaned over to kiss me, but I turned my head so he kissed my cheek. “I’ll meet you downstairs,” I repeated.

“Sure. Okay.”

He reached for my hand. “We’ll finish this.”

I flinched. As soon as he closed the door, I ran to the bathroom, barely reaching the toilet before the contents of my stomach spewed out.

Great. Just great.

After cleaning up, I tiptoed through the hallway to the kitchen back entrance. My bare feet hit cold pavement and I winced. It didn’t matter. Grandma would kill me, but I’d rather go home shoeless than face anyone inside the house.

I stumbled, my fuzzy head struggling to focus in the cool of the night air.

I concentrated on walking forward, shivering and wrapping my arms around myself. The pavement was a cold reminder of what a bad idea running away in my bare feet was. I had more than two miles to walk. In a T-shirt and jeans and no shoes.

Stupid. I didn’t even have my cell. I’d left it in my backpack in Nathan’s car. The lights from an oncoming car shone behind me. I hunched my shoulders, trying to be invisible and willing the driver not to notice me.

The headlights glowed bright. A surge of panic raced through me. The car slowed as it approached.