If I Tell

CHAPTER nineteen



I walked into Grinds clutching Jackson’s hoodie close, inhaling his smell and trying to be brave. I checked behind the coffee counter. He was working. I slowly walked toward him. He glanced up and his eyes gave me a sense of his hostility, but I forced myself to keep moving. Mission. I had a mission. He deserved an apology. I planned to ask for his forgiveness. See if he could give me that, see if we could go back to being friends. It was all he’d wanted from me anyway. I’d take it. If he could forgive me. That part of the decision wasn’t mine.

I thought about what I’d been rehearsing. I’d start with a joke. Jackson couldn’t resist a laugh.

“Hey,” I said. “What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?”

He blinked without even cracking a smile. Remembering my resolve, I stood straighter. I wouldn’t want to run from this.

“De-calf-inated.”

His eyes didn’t even sparkle.

“I’m sorry,” I started to say, but he’d flipped on the espresso machine and nothing I said would be heard over the racket. I waited until the noise died down.

“I’m so sorry about the awful things I said,” I told him when the machine went silent. I swallowed and took a deep breath. “I don’t think you’re a faker. I mean, it’s not your fault you don’t look biracial, and there’s no way you should act, and you totally deserve sharing the heritage. I was just trying to hurt you. It was stupid. And immature and I didn’t mean it.”

He slowly drizzled chocolate over a coffee drink but didn’t look up.

My cheeks warmed and I took a deep breath. “The thing is, I was embarrassed for, um, kissing you. And I just kind of popped when I found out you had a girlfriend. I mean, it’s no excuse, but I’d been holding so many things in, and when I got mad at you, everything seemed to come to the surface and I went for your blood. It wasn’t fair.”

I waited but Jackson kept working, not looking at me. “I guess I read our relationship all wrong, and when I realized you had a girlfriend, it mortified me. See, I was kind of dumb, and I thought there might be something more than just friendship.” My cheeks blazed but I made myself keep going. I’d practiced the speech in my mind a million times. “I’m stupid, and I lashed out at you to cover up my own humiliation. I didn’t mean what I said. It’s not true. None of it. I’m very sorry.”

I understood a little of how Nathan had felt now. Why he’d lashed out at me. Lacey had said he had a thing for me, and it was unrequited just like me with Jackson. It hurt, but I wouldn’t let that be an excuse to act like a total jerk.

Jackson lifted the coffee drink he was making and placed it on the counter. A woman stepped out from behind me, gave me a compassionate glance, and reached for her coffee. I forced myself to stay still and not run away in horror. The woman took her drink and left, but first she smiled at me with sympathy.

I took a deep breath. “I had a stupid crush on you, but I’m totally cool with being friends. I mean if you want…I mean, I won’t expect anything more of you. But I’d like to be friends. If you can forgive me.”

People did it all the time. Hung out with unreciprocated loves. Stayed friends. Jackson and I had so much in common, and I really liked talking with him.

I held out his hoodie. “Here. I brought this back.”

“Hey, Jaz, long time no see.”

I swiveled. Lacey stood behind me, her hands clasped in front of her.

“Hey, Lacey,” I said, biting my lip and wishing she’d disappear. The girl had the worst timing.

Lacey squirmed on her feet as if she were nervous too. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you forever. Can I buy you a drink?”

I glanced at Jackson.

“You should sit with her. She needs to talk.” Jackson said, and his expression was unreadable. “And keep the hoodie. I don’t need it.”

I swallowed my disappointment. I’d hoped for forgiveness, maybe even an offer of friendship, but I guess I’d gone too far. He wasn’t going to give either. “Okay. Well. I’ll see you around, maybe at school.” At least I’d apologized. I’d tried. I was proud of myself for doing it, for making an effort to be more forgiving and open.

I turned to Lacey and made a show of checking my watch. I didn’t want to spend too much time with her. “I guess we can sit and chat for a minute, but I can’t stay long. I have to babysit my brother.”

“Can I buy you a drink?” she repeated.

“Nope. I’m good.”

“Something else?” Lacey shifted from foot to foot.

“Nope. I’m fine.”

Her eyes filled with tears, and her face looked pained before she glanced down at her hands, studying her nails.

“Uh. You okay? You going to get something?”

“No.”

“Okay, well, let’s just sit then,” I told her.

Lacey followed me to a table in the café and plunked down in the seat across from me. “I quit drinking,” she blurted out as soon as her butt touched the chair.

I realized right away she didn’t mean coffee.

“The thing is that I got really drunk a couple weeks ago and ended up in the hospital.” She smiled sadly and wiped under her eyes. “It was pretty bad.”

I reached for my charm bracelet and twisted it around. “Oh, Lacey. I didn’t know. Are you okay?”

She smiled again, but it didn’t light up her red eyes. “Yeah. I mean, I guess it’s good. It made me see how bad off I was. You know, rock bottom and all that. Anyhow. That’s not the part that I wanted to talk to you about. I hooked up with a guy.” She bent her head and covered her mouth with her hand, covering a shy smile. “Not my usual hookup. I mean, he’s a friend. He took me with him. To a meeting.” She rolled her eyes. “AA.”

She lifted her hand in a wave. “Hi, my name’s Lacey, and I’m an alcoholic.” She laughed self-consciously.

I blinked. “Wow. I mean, that’s good, you know, if it’s what you need.”

“It is. I’m trying to deal with things better. You know, just like they say, one day at a time.”

I nodded. “You’ve had it tough. I’m glad for you.”

Her fingers snaked across the table, reaching for me. “I’m truly sorry. About what happened. You know, with Simon.”

God. It seemed so long ago. A lifetime ago. I held her hand for a moment but then gently pulled away. “You know you didn’t sleep with him, right?”

Her eyes lit up with relief. “I didn’t?”

“No. He left. He didn’t want to cheat on my mom. Not all the way.”

“Thank God. I wasn’t sure. You know my blackouts.”

“I know,” I told Lacey. “I’m glad you’ve stopped drinking.”

“Me too.” She cleared her throat. “And that’s even better that it wasn’t so bad because I kind of hoped we might, you know, be friends again someday. You’re the best friend I ever had.”

I stared down at the table before I looked up at her.

She sat up straighter, reading my expression and trying to hide her disappointment.

“No. I mean, I’m really trying to forgive you, Lace. You definitely aren’t yourself when you drink. Drank. I know that. And I’m so sorry about what happened to you when you were younger.” I chewed on my thumbnail.

“But…” I realized the truth and trusted myself to tell her. “I can forgive you, and I do. I forgive you, but I can’t hang out with you. Not like before. I don’t want to have to worry about awkward meetings with you and Simon or my mom finding out what happened. She couldn’t handle it right now. I kind of have to look out for her.”

I rubbed my guitar charm, hoping I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to tell Lacey about my mom’s sickness. I wanted my mom to have her privacy until she started to get better. Someday, but not now.

Sometimes keeping secrets was the right thing to do.

Lacey’s eyes glistened. “That’s okay. I understand.” She exhaled in a big puff. “I kind of hoped I could erase everything with an apology, but I guess ‘sorry’ can’t fix some things.”

“I’m sorry too, Lacey. I have to learn when to trust myself, when to believe in myself. I’m glad you’re doing that too. You’re being brave.”

She smiled, but she wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek. “Thanks.” She got to her feet. “I should get going. I have to work soon.” She paused. “Is it cool if I keep working with your grandma? I really like working with those kids. It makes me feel…like I’m helping someone.”

“Of course.” I smiled at her. “You’re totally going to do this, you know. Kick the drinking and feel better about yourself.”

“Yeah.” Lacey chewed her fake fingernail, a familiar old habit that I hadn’t seen in a long time. “I guess I’ll see you around. That’s okay, right?”

We both stood, and I gave her a quick hug. She smiled, looking like a shadow of her old self. “Did you hear I got a new roommate? A girl. She’s in AA too. Nathan took off. He went to Phoenix after some girl he met online. Some girl from your high school dumped him and he was devastated, but he thinks this new girl is the one. He always thinks the girl he’s into is the one.” She laughed. “You know, believe it or not, I think Nathan is really looking for true love.”

I attempted a smile. “I hope he finds it, then.”

Lacey grinned. “Yeah, and you too. I’ll see you around. Okay, Jazzy?”

I watched her leave, sad but also lightened by a sense of closure. She’d be okay without me, and I’d be okay too.

I glanced behind the coffee counter. Jackson had disappeared. With a sigh, I walked to the exit. I glanced behind me and then walked outside. I’d hoped for more from Jackson, but at least I’d said my piece. In a way it was kind of fitting that I couldn’t forgive Lacey and he couldn’t forgive me.

I started toward the sidewalk and then looked up and stopped dead in my tracks.

Jackson’s car was parked illegally in front of the coffee shop, blocking the sidewalk. He was leaning against the car, his arms crossed in front, staring at me.

“Didn’t you talk to Ashley?” he called out. “She was supposed to talk to you.”

“Uh, I talked to her at school. She told me you were having lunch together.”

“Yeah. But what else?”

“Nothing. She took off for an exam. I haven’t seen her since.”

Unsure of where to look or even which direction to walk in, I took a tentative step forward.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he told me.

“Ashley? Um, yeah. I know.” I frowned.

He laughed. “No. Carrie. She’s not my girlfriend.” He pushed a hand off his car and brushed back his long hair. “I broke up with her before I even moved to Tadita. It’s been over for a long time.”

“But she said she was your girlfriend.”

“I know. She wouldn’t let go. Carrie’s got some issues. I told her we were breaking up before I went to rehab, but she hung on. Then Grams and I moved right away, and Carrie still had some of my stuff, and I still had some of hers. She was calling me a lot, and I felt sorry for her because of some of the stuff that had happened when I was doing drugs. She showed up unannounced the night you were at my place. Grams wanted me to take it easy on her. I had some amends to make. Sometimes I was a jerk. I was a different person then.

“She’s going to rehab, but she’s struggling and holding on to the past. I assured her we are over for good. I set her straight. Told her I was interested in someone else.” He stepped toward me. “I gave her back all her stuff, and she went home.”

“Oh.”

“You owe me an apology.”

“I said I was sorry,” I said in a soft voice.

“Yeah. About calling me a faker. What about calling me a druggie? I’m not dealing anymore. Just so you know. That pissed me off. I haven’t touched drugs since I left Whistler. I don’t do them, and I don’t deal them.”

I groaned. “It’s just that you got so many calls, and I heard you saying you had the stuff. It seemed so obvious…”

Jackson looked puzzled and then smacked his head with his hand. “Carrie. She was calling all the time using excuses like some CDs of hers I had and a couple of books. She used every excuse she could come up with to call. If I acted all mysterious and tried to cover it up, it was because I didn’t want you to think she was my girlfriend. I should have just told you the truth.”

I took a deep breath. More secrets that we should have told each other. “I’m sorry. For what I said…” I stopped, blushing.

Jackson grinned. “That I’m a stupid crush or a drug dealer? Or that I don’t deserve to be black?”

“I can’t believe I said any of that. Funny how I’m like everyone else, jumping to conclusions based on appearance.”

I started full-on babbling but stopped when I saw his smile.

He took a step toward me. I clung to his hoodie and fought a desire to flee him and run to safety.

“Let’s get one thing clear. You have never been just a friend to me.” He stepped closer. “You didn’t make a mistake when you kissed me. You surprised me, but I kissed you back with everything I had, and it was the best kiss of my life. It took all my friggin’ will to pull away. I only did because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself. I thought it wasn’t the right time for you.

“I’ve been waiting for it to be right. I didn’t want to be, you know, a way of getting by, of coping with the bad stuff. I wanted to stay friends a while longer because you really needed one, and then I planned to bust out my moves later.” He grinned, but his smile faded quickly. “But not telling you the truth about Carrie, not trusting you to understand was stupid, especially after you talked to me about Simon.”

“I should have asked you about the dealing, instead of assuming. I guess I have to learn to trust people too. And myself. Even Simon.”

“Simon?”

“I talked to him, and he did mess up that night like you said. He was embarrassed and guilty, and it was just a kiss, nothing more. I should have gone to him. Asked him about it.”

He took another step and we faced each other, almost nose to nose. He leaned down and spoke right to my face. I smelled coffee on his breath but it was delicious. “You’ve intrigued me since the first time I saw you hauling around that guitar of yours at school. I mean, obviously I’m into guitars. And girls with guitars are a given. Especially since you’re okay to look at and all.” He grinned and reached out and pushed back a curl from my cheek. My stomach swooped.

“I watched you distance yourself from everyone and wondered what made you that way. I mean, I could tell you were biracial like me and I heard about you living with your grandma, but there was more. From the first day I laid eyes on you, there were sparks.” He spread out his hand like each finger was a firecracker and fireworks were going off. “I couldn’t figure out how to get to know you better at school since you didn’t seem to talk to anyone, so I applied for a job at Grinds to meet you.”

My mouth opened in surprise. “You did?”

“I wanted to get to know you. I didn’t want to come on too strong or move too fast and scare you off. I didn’t want to be all ‘Hey, I’m biracial too, so let’s hook up.’ I wanted to tell you, but after I gave you a ride home that night, I saw you had a lot going on. I wanted you to get to know me and not the reputation. I have this messed-up past that follows me around now. I thought it might scare off a nice girl like you. And it did.”

His phone rang and he cursed, but he pulled it from his pocket. He glanced at the number and smiled. “Oh, look. It’s my drug dealer.” He handed the phone to me. “Answer it.”

I frowned, but he nodded and grinned. In a leap of faith, I clicked the phone on.

“Hello?”

“Jaz? Why are you on Jackson’s phone?” Ashley’s voice asked from the other end. I smiled and pulled the phone away from my ear. “Ashley?” I mouthed to Jackson. He lifted his shoulder and tilted his head innocently.

“Um. Why are you calling Jackson’s phone?” I asked Ashley but kept an eye on him.

She ignored me. “Did you finally tell him you were an idiot?” she asked.

“Um. Maybe I am an idiot, but why are you calling Jackson’s phone? Are you two all best friends now?” I fake-glowered at Jackson.

“Did you finally make up?” Ashley demanded. “Did you tell him you didn’t mean what you said? That you’re not as narrow-minded and stuck-up as you sounded?”

“Maybe.” I smiled at Jackson.

“And he told you he’s not with Carrie. That she’s been stalking him.”

“Well, he didn’t say stalking.”

“He should have. I met her, and she was kind of scary. Anyway, forget her. You are with Jackson! That is awesome. We are so going on a double date with Marnie,” Ashley said. “The four of us. She’ll be so happy. Jackson has been killing us with his misery.”

“Jackson has been hanging out with you and Marnie?”

Jackson reached over and took the phone from my ear. “Quit giving away my secrets,” he said to Ashley. “Jaz and I need to talk.” He grinned at me and told Ashley we were busy and we’d talk to her later and hung up the phone.

“So you’re all best buds with Ashley now?” I asked when he clicked his phone off.

He smiled. “You know I can’t resist lesbians.”

I punched him in the arm. “And she can’t resist criminals.”

He wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head in his chest, feeling shy. I inhaled the same scent that still lingered on his hoodie, the smell of him. Of boy. Not bad boy, not good, just boy. I didn’t want to move out of his arms.

“So Ashley is happy,” he said. “And planning double dates?”

“She’ll dye her hair rainbow colors to celebrate,” I said to his chest.

Jackson stepped back and gently took me by the shoulders and moved me in front of him. He lifted my chin with his finger. My skin tingled under his touch.

“I’ll wait if you need time,” he said. “But I want to be more than your friend.”

“There’s no waiting.” I smiled and then groaned. “I’m so sorry about everything I said to hurt you.”

He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “I forgive you.”

“My life is still very messy,” I warned.

“I’m okay with messy.”

“My mom is sick,” I told him. “Postpartum depression. She’s in the hospital. Simon and Joe need my help.”

“Joe?”

I grinned. “My brother. They finally named him. After my grandpa.”

He nodded. “That’s cool. So you’ll be helping out, right? Things are better with you and Simon?”

“Yeah. They need me.”

“Is she going to be okay?”

I shrugged, wishing I could be certain. “I hope so.”

Jackson reached down and took the hoodie from my hands. I watched as he unraveled it and then gently pulled it over my head. I poked my arms through the sleeves, the first time I’d ever worn it properly on my body.

He reached for my hand and tugged on it. “Hey. Come on. I’m parked illegally here. Can I take you somewhere?”

“You know anything about babies?”

He looked a little frightened, and I laughed. “I could use some help babysitting in an hour. I won’t make you change diapers, but I want to be there for my family. I promised Simon I’d look after Joe. So he could visit Mom. You could keep me company.”

He twirled his hoop earring. “Sure. But later you’ve got to come and meet my grandma. She’s going to eat you up.”

A spark of anticipation ignited in my chest. I wanted to meet her even though it terrified me. “I hope so. My grandma already called you handsome and polite.”

“She has impeccable taste.” He chuckled. “You have no idea what you’re getting into with Grams.”

I shrugged off my nerves. “Piece of cake.” I was lying. But it wasn’t a bad lie.

He grinned at me. “Whatever, right?”

“Yeah,” I said, grinning wider. “Whatever.”

He took my hand. I threw my head back and laughed, and the sound that rolled out from deep inside me echoed loudly in the air between us.

And then Jackson leaned forward and kissed me.