chapter Thirteen
I pulled myself off her and began pulling on my jeans, running my hands through my hair. What had I done? I allowed myself to steal a glance at her. She lay sprawled out on my once white sheets, rubbing her wrists gingerly. The small spattering of crimson marring the vision of an angel. I grabbed her clothing and tossed them to her, not wanting to look at what I had done any longer.
I grabbed the small torn piece of fabric that was once her panties and slipped them into my dresser. I left the room without glancing back at her. She deserved better.
I poured a drink and swallowed it quickly, running a hand roughly through my hair. I sickened myself. Just as I was wallowing in my own self-pity, two delicate arms wound themselves around my waist. My stomach turned at the intimate contact. I wanted to apologize to her, to beg her forgiveness but the words wouldn’t come. “Don’t” was all I could manage.
“Did I do something wrong?” She asked. Her words cut through me. How could she think she did something wrong? What kind of f*cking monster was I? I couldn’t breathe. I drank down another shot. My mind raced as my body grew numb. “I’m going to go. I don’t live far from here.” Her voice muffled in comparison to my own thoughts as I cursed myself.
The next sound I heard was the sound of the front door closing and Emma was gone. It was the middle of the night and I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I let her leave.
Without a second thought, I chased after her. I got in my car and made my way down the main road. It took only a moment to see her, a perfect fallen angel walking amongst us unworthy humans. My headlights creating an angelic halo around her. I hated myself for prowling after her. I told myself it was for her. It wasn’t safe for her to be out at this time of night. The truth was, it was less safe for her with me.
“Get in” I yelled but she began to walk faster. “Get in” I called out again.
“F*ck off” She yelled at me, her face full of disgust. I slammed the car into park, my anger beginning to boil over. I jumped out of the car, wearing only my jeans. She stopped, looking at me as if I scared her. I should. “Leave me alone!” She pushed passed me. I clenched my fists and went after her.
“Let’s go!” I said, grabbing her arm and pulling her towards the car. Why was she being so goddamn stubborn? Did she not know what kind of men were on these streets? I was on these streets. I opened the door and waited. She quit fighting against me and slid inside, defeated. I closed her door and made my way around the car. Clenching my jaw, I slammed the door behind me. She jumped at the sound. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I didn’t want to scare her.
“I shouldn’t have let you leave.” I said, trying to sound calm.
“Which time?” She asked, her words filled with hatred. I gripped the steering wheel tightly, trying to keep my composure.
“I’m no good for you, Emma.” She looked at me, holding my gaze briefly. I hoped she could see the regret in my eyes.
“Yeah, I get it. You don’t want me.” She was on the verge of tears. Her words hurt. It was like being slapped in the face. Something I deserved.
“I don’t want you?” I couldn’t help but laugh, darkly. “Emma, I just had you.” She had no idea how badly I wanted her. More from her than I would ever allow myself to take. “Is that what you wanted for your first time? Some person tying you up? F*cking you and humiliating you?” I was disgusted with myself.
“That’s obviously not what I pictured but I… enjoyed myself.” She replied shyly. Her words travelled through me, stirring something primal inside of me.
“I know you did.” She bit her lip and tucked her hair behind her ear. What the f*ck am I doing?
“It’s not like we couldn’t try it again.” Her face flushed red. I swallowed hard. I couldn’t let her make this mistake again. I shook my head. She grabbed for the door, ready to run.
“Emma!” my voice came out panicked, I grabbed her arm, desperate to keep her from leaving. “I didn’t mean I don’t want to do it again, I just can’t give you what you want. I can’t give you what you deserve. What happened back there is all I know. There will never be anything more than that with me. I do not get close to people. I don’t care for people.” I lied. I was a f*cking liar and a coward.
“Then why are you here? Why not just let me walk home?” She could see right through me.
“I don’t know.” I replied, letting her arm slip from my fingers. I knew what she wanted to hear. A f*cking coward.
“Good night, Mr. Honor.” She slipped out into the darkness.
“William” I called after her, wanting to show her she was right about me, that deep down somewhere she had broken through. There was something different about her. Something special.
“What?” She asked, turning back towards me.
“My name is William. Please get back in the car. It’s not safe out here for you.” I would never forgive myself if something happened to her. She stood there, deciding which fate would be worse. “Please” My pulse quickened as she took a step closer to the car.
We rode silently through the city as I took her to her aunt’s house. I relished in the last few minutes of smelling the flower scent that lingered around her. Her house was empty and dark, but Emma didn’t seemed phased by it. I’m guessing she was left to her own accord more often than not.
“Thanks” She whispered as she exited. I couldn’t look at her. I probably would be the cause of years of therapy for her.
I pulled back onto the road, turning the radio up to drown out my own conscience.
“I really miss you hair in my face, and the way your innocence tastes”
I lumped formed in my throat and I switched off the radio and rode home in silence. I couldn’t give her anything but heartache.