His Love Endures Forever

Fifteen




LEVI HAD NEVER FELT MORE UNCOMFORTABLE IN his life, and he wasn’t sure how or why he’d agreed to this. He glanced around the waiting room filled with pregnant women. This is no place for a man.

Danielle latched on to his hand, and he didn’t pull away, even though public affection made him a little uncomfortable. But he knew why he was here.

Ever since he’d spoken with his father a couple of weeks ago, Levi and Danielle had spent a lot of time in the bedroom. And it seemed like Levi would agree to most anything while they were in there. He scratched his chin with his free hand as he recalled their conversation last week when Danielle had asked him to come to the doctor’s office with her.

Danielle waited until today to tell Levi that he would come in for her examination, then they’d run a machine over her stomach and tell them if the baby was a boy or a girl. If the first part wasn’t frightening enough, the second part seemed downright unnatural. He glanced down at his black slacks and long-sleeved blue shirt. The only part of his Amish attire that he’d shucked was his hat. His hair was still in the traditional cut, and he wasn’t sure he could keep his britches up without suspenders. Danielle had suggested a belt, but Levi kept the suspenders. He wondered if everyone could tell he was Amish.

He reminded himself that he wasn’t actually Amish, even though he and Danielle had attended worship service recently. But it wasn’t the same, and Levi was working on feeling at peace about all that.

His mother still hadn’t been by for a visit, but Emily had come by twice. God bless his sister. She’d brought homemade bread, cookies, a pot of stewed chicken, and a batch of creamed celery. Danielle hadn’t seemed offended at all, and for the next three nights they’d eaten the way Levi was used to eating. He was praying every night that Emily would find time to teach Danielle to cook. Emily had learned from the best. Their mother.

“Don’t look so nervous.” Danielle squeezed his hand as she leaned over and whispered to him.

“I’m not nervous,” Levi finally said as he asked God to forgive the small lie. He forced a smile, wishing he were anywhere but here. He was sure his father had never had to do this before. Jacob and Emily were delivered by a midwife, and Levi had often heard his father tell of how he waited on the front porch until they were both born. And even though Levi and Betsy were born in a hospital in Middlefield, Daed had been outside in a waiting room, and to Levi’s knowledge, he’d never been to a doctor’s appointment with their mother.

Levi swallowed hard. “I just don’t know why you’d want me in there when they . . .”

Danielle smiled. “Okay, listen. You don’t have to come in for the exam, but I really want you to be in there to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Remember the other day, when the baby kicked and you got to feel it? That was cool, huh?”

“Ya. That was cool.” He smiled at the recollection, feeling relieved that he wouldn’t have to go in while the doctor examined her.

“Then that’s that. I’ll come get you when it’s time for the ultrasound.”

“And they will be able to see if it’s a boy or a girl?” Levi took a deep breath. “Or if anything is wrong with the baby?”

Danielle gave his hand another squeeze. “Don’t worry. I’m sure nothing is wrong with the baby.” She paused. “I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. I just want a healthy baby.”

The whole process made Levi nervous, but he nodded. His wife’s beautiful face was aglow, and if it would make her happy, he’d suffer through it.

It was about ten minutes later when they called Danielle’s name. Danielle Detweiler. He liked hearing that.

About a half hour later, a nurse came out and called Levi’s name, motioning for him to follow her. And he did. On shaky legs.

Danielle was lying on her back, her head propped up with a few pillows, with electronic gadgets all around her. He frowned, thinking she looked sick.

“I’m fine, Levi,” she said as the nurse left them alone, promising to be back shortly with the ultrasound machine. “The doctor said everything is okay, but I’ve kinda gained a little too much weight. So I’ll have to watch that.” She frowned, but Levi thought she was perfect. And how could she be gaining weight when he was sure he’d lost weight? His appetite just wasn’t what it used to be. Except maybe when Emily came calling. He smiled to himself, wondering when his sister’s next visit would be.

A few minutes later, the nurse lifted Danielle’s shirt to reveal her slightly enlarged tummy. Levi felt his cheeks warming, but he reminded himself that Englisch men watched this kind of procedure all the time. That’s what Danielle had told him.

He thought about the life she was carrying and how he’d be raising this child as his own, and suddenly he couldn’t wait to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl. But it feared him that something might be wrong with the child, and Levi knew that the machine would tell them that too. He held his breath as the older woman doctor squirted a thick goo over Danielle’s belly, then ran a round piece of equipment over her stomach. He watched the screen as gray images moved around. There was only a slushy sound, and Levi wondered if that was normal. Within a minute, there was a faint rhythm that got stronger as the doctor moved the wand.

“There it is,” the doctor said. “A good, steady heartbeat.” She looked up at Levi and pointed to the monitor and circled a pulsing image. “Do you see this, Daddy?”

Levi blinked a few times. Daddy. That sounded nice. He nodded as he watched the tiny life inside of his wife, a miracle, a blessing from God. Then he looked at Danielle as her eyes filled with tears.

“Is everything okay with the baby?” Danielle bit her bottom lip.

The doctor smiled. “Everything looks perfect.”

Relief swept over Levi like sun rays on a wintry day.

“Do you want to know what it is, a boy or a girl?”

Danielle looked up at Levi, and he nodded.

Levi couldn’t breathe. Any second, he would know if they were going to have a girl or a boy. He wasn’t sure Danielle was breathing either.

“Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Detweiler.” The doctor smiled. “You are having a boy.”

Danielle looked up at him as she squeezed his hand. “We’re having a son, Levi.”

It was everything Levi could do not to cry. It was the strangest feeling. He knew in his heart that he hadn’t created this baby.

God had.

And He had chosen Levi to be the father.

“Be a father to this child, Levi. He will do great things in the future.”

Levi heard the voice loud and clear, and if he’d ever doubted that the Lord’s hand was resting on Him, Danielle, and the baby . . . he didn’t anymore.

“Have you picked out a name?” The doctor smiled as she packed up the ultrasound machine and cleaned off Danielle’s belly.

Danielle looked up at Levi. “Maybe.”

The doctor smiled. “I’ll be eager to hear it when you’ve decided. Danielle, just check with the receptionist on your way out to make your next appointment.”

Danielle nodded, then looked back at Levi as the doctor closed the door behind her. “I’d like to name him Joshua, if that’s okay with you?”

Levi swallowed hard. He doubted that Danielle knew the biblical meaning behind the name, that Joshua succeeded Moses as leader of the Israelites, leading the people to the Promised Land. Danielle probably didn’t know that Joshua was the Hebrew word for Jesus.

“I think that is a great name.” He shifted his weight, reaching for her hand. “What made you choose it?”

She sat up and pulled her shirt down. Then she shrugged. “I don’t know.” She let go of his hand and slid off the table. She pulled on her shoes, then picked up her purse from the chair. Reaching for the door, she stopped and faced him. “Actually . . .” She pushed her hair behind her ear. “I woke up the other morning with that name in my head.”

Danielle smiled before walking out the door and down the hall. Levi stood there for a few moments before he followed her. God had given her the name. Just as surely as he’d just spoken to Levi.

About an hour later, they pulled into the driveway, and Levi shook his head as he looked around the yard at all the work that needed to be done. He was glad they’d repaired the porch steps, which had been a priority since Danielle was pregnant, but there were still cracked windowpanes and a fence surrounding the front yard that was about to topple over. And that was just the outside. He recalled the pristine way his family kept their property and comforted himself, knowing it would take time to have their own place looking like that.

But when he followed Danielle into the living room, he couldn’t help but eye the paper plate on the floor next to one of the rocking chairs, two half-empty glasses, and an Englisch magazine with a pretty woman on the cover. As they made their way to the kitchen, Levi scrunched his nose. Something smelled unpleasant.

“What’s that smell?” He gazed upon the stack of unwashed dishes that had been there for several days.

Danielle put her purse on the counter as she turned to face him. “What smell?”

“Something smells bad.”

She walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. “I don’t smell anything.”

Levi cringed. He was thankful that his mother hadn’t seen the way they were living. “Want me to help you clean up the kitchen?” He was used to being at work all day, coming home to eat, bathe, and read his Bible, then before he knew it . . . time for bed. Today he was off work to go with Danielle to the doctor, and for the first time, made himself take a good look around. Didn’t his new fraa know how to clean house? Even though she worked most afternoons, she still had the mornings to do a little cleanup.

Danielle walked into the living room, slid the paper plate on the floor over with her foot, and sat down. “No, that’s okay. I’ll get it done tomorrow.”

Really? Levi sat down in the other rocker and reached for his Bible on the makeshift table next to him. A cardboard box.

“Why do you still read the Bible every day when you don’t have to anymore? I mean, since you’re not Amish.” She cocked her head to one side.

Levi marked his place with his finger. “I just like to. I think about what I’ve read, talk to God, and pray about things on my mind.”

“Like what?”

Levi closed the book. Danielle rarely wanted to talk about anything to do with God, even though he knew she felt God’s presence sometimes, just like she had at the little church where they’d been married. Or maybe even that morning, when she’d decided on their son’s name. “Uh, well . . . today I’m thanking the Lord that the baby looks healthy and that everything went well at the doctor.”

Danielle kicked the rocker into motion with her foot. “Hmm . . .” She laid a hand across her stomach.

Levi missed the family devotion time with his parents and Betsy. “Do you want to . . . uh, pray with me?”

She shook her head. “No. But you go ahead.” She leaned her head back against the rocker but turned her head to face him. “Is that bad?”

He shrugged. “No. It’s not bad.” He opened the Bible again but couldn’t focus. Holding his spot, he said, “Do you pray? I mean . . . ever?” He held his breath. Please, God, let her say yes.

“Sometimes.”

Relief washed over him.

“You know how I feel about all the God stuff.” She paused, biting her bottom lip. “But sometimes I feel . . .” She shrugged. “I dunno. Like maybe there is Someone out there far, far away that I just can’t reach. Maybe I don’t try hard enough. Or maybe I’m not worthy.”

This was the most he’d gotten out of Danielle about God since he’d known her, and it thrilled him to be having this discussion. “None of us are worthy, Danielle. Only Christ’s sacrifice made us forever-worthy.”

“Then why do it, the praying, the talking to Him?”

Levi closed the book and twisted his body in the chair to face her. “Because when you feel the Holy Spirit, or when God answers a prayer, it’s an amazing feeling, and you know you’re a part of something so much bigger than just yourself.”

Danielle stared at him with a blank look for a few moments. “Do you see how you’re acting?”

“What?”

“You’re so excited talking about God.” She frowned. “And I just don’t get it. I don’t feel it, Levi. And I don’t know if I ever will.” She shook her head. “But I will never, ever do anything to interfere with your, uh . . . relationship . . . with God.”

Levi hung his head for a moment, but quickly looked back into her beautiful green eyes, noticing the small scar on her cheek. He tried to understand how her past had affected the present and possibly their future. He’d always been taught that God had a plan. Levi wondered if he’d been in Danielle’s shoes, if he would have questioned God’s plan too. But her being tolerant of his relationship with God just wasn’t enough. He wanted her to know God; anything less was cheating herself out of the most beautiful part of life.

“Will you do me a favor?” Levi reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers.

She smiled. “I’ll do anything for you.”

“Pray with me, then.”

He felt her try and edge away, but he kept a firm hold, pretending like he didn’t notice.

“Oh, okay.” She bit her lip again for a second. “But you’ll have to do all the talking.”

Levi smiled. “No problem.” He bowed his head, unsure if she was doing the same. He closed his eyes, and before he spoke aloud, he prayed that the Lord would touch Danielle somehow, that He would give Levi the right words to get through to her.

“My dear Lord in heaven, today I thank You for Your many blessings . . . for Danielle, and for our baby Joshua, a true miracle and gift. I pray, Lord, that You will guide our hands to be gut parents and that we will raise our kinner according to . . .” Levi had almost said the Ordnung when he remembered that their children wouldn’t be raised Amish. “To be gut Christians. I pray that You will bless our food, the work of our hands, and that we will be generous and kind to all those we meet. I ask You to bless this new home of ours and all who come here. And, Lord, I pray that You will bless my marriage to Danielle. Please keep Your hand on us and help us to stay on the path You’ve chosen for us. Amen.”

Within a matter of seconds, Danielle had jumped from her rocking chair and into Levi’s lap. She buried her head against his chest.

“Ladybug?” He tried to ease her away, but she kept her face against his shirt, now damp with her tears. “Danielle, what is it? Why are you crying?” He ran a hand the length of her hair. “Tell me.”

She kept her head buried in his chest as she mumbled, “I don’t know.”

“Did I say something in my prayer that upset you?” He tried again to get her to sit up and look at him, but she clung to his shirt and kept her face buried.

She shook her head. “No, Levi. You didn’t upset me. I just feel . . . emotional.”

Levi pulled her closer. “That’s a gut thing.” Levi smiled, stroking her hair. “Sometimes, I think when God is reaching out to us, it can be a little overwhelming.”

She eased away, and Levi began to kiss away her tears.

“I’m sorry I’m crying.” She swiped at her eyes. “I must seem dumb.”

Levi smiled before he kissed her on the mouth. “No. It’s not dumb at all.”

“I just . . .” She shrugged. “I don’t know how to explain it, so can we not talk about it anymore?”

“Okay.”

She buried her face in his chest again. Levi knew that his new wife might not realize it yet, but the hand of the Lord was on her. It always had been. But maybe this was the first time that she felt Him near.

What an amazing feeling.

Levi pulled her closer. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, thank You . . .


AN HOUR LATER, Danielle was at her little church, sitting in the front row. She’d told Levi that she was going to the store for milk, and that was true. But now here she was. Unsure why. Again.

She took a deep breath, crossed her legs, and stared at the front of the church. As she kicked her foot into action, her thoughts were awhirl. When Levi had prayed for them, she’d felt hopeful, but scared at the same time. What if she allowed God into her heart and He let her down again? Was the payoff worth the risk?

And what was in the back of her mind, something that seemed buried in the memories of life with her mother? It was like a seed that had sprouted and was climbing through thick soil, stretching for daylight, but never quite making it to the surface. Sometimes, like today with Levi, it felt like the topsoil was beginning to loosen and crack, but the light still seemed out of reach.

God, was I a bad child?

It was the only thing that came to mind.

She could barely remember when her father was alive, even though she was eleven when he died. Why was that? She knew she’d felt loved when he was around, which was far too seldom. He’d worked a lot. But why couldn’t she remember much else?

I’m going to go now. I’ll probably come back.

She stood up and walked out of the church.


LEVI ANSWERED THE door, excited to see Emily, and even more excited that she was carrying a large bag. “I hope that’s food.” He rubbed his hands together before he pulled her into a hug.

“Ya. It is. Mamm said you looked thin at worship service.”

Levi eased away from Emily and closed the door behind her, giving it a hard kick. “She barely spoke to me or Danielle.”

“It will take her some time, Levi. She’ll come around.” Emily handed him the bag. “Is Danielle here?”

“Nee. She went to town to get milk. She’ll be back soon. Doesn’t take long when you have a car.” He offered a weak smile, a little embarrassed by the luxury. Then he remembered the way the kitchen looked. He scooped up the paper plates and glasses on the floor in the living room. “Here, sit. I’ll put this in the kitchen and be right back.”

Levi hurried to the kitchen, put the bag on the counter, and stuffed the plates in the garbage. When he turned around, Emily was standing in the doorway.

“Sorry about the mess.” Levi glanced around the kitchen.

“Ach, it’s okay.” Emily smiled. “I stopped by unannounced.”

Levi shook his head. “It’s not okay, but I don’t know what to do about it.” He walked to where his sister was standing and whispered . . . even though no one else was around. “I don’t think Danielle knows how to clean house.”

Emily grimaced. “Really?”

Levi waved a hand toward the sink full of dishes. “Or this just doesn’t bother her. I don’t know. And I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but . . .”

Emily untied her black bonnet and pulled it off her head, then straightened her white prayer covering. “Maybe she wasn’t taught how to clean properly.”

“I don’t know.” Levi shook his head. “Martha kept a neat house, but I think she had to stay on Danielle about cleaning up after herself. Danielle’s mentioned that.”

“Maybe she’s just tired. I hear that pregnant women are tired a lot.” His sister got a faraway look in her eyes. Levi knew how much Emily and David wanted a baby, and it just hadn’t happened yet.

“So, what’s in the bag?” Levi tapped the brown paper bag, then took a peek inside, inhaling deeply. “Bread. I’m so thankful.”

“And some chicken and rice casserole and a pecan pie.” Emily frowned. “Does it hurt Danielle’s feelings when I bring food?”

Levi laughed. “Nee. I think she’s as grateful as I am.” He faced his sister. “If you ever have time, maybe you can teach her some of Mamm’s recipes? She’s been trying to make bread, but it never comes out. We eat lots of food out of boxes and from the freezer. And what I wouldn’t do to have some meatloaf . . .”

“I’ll be happy to.” Emily nodded at the lantern Levi kept on the kitchen counter. “How is Danielle handling not having electricity?”

“Doesn’t really seem to bother her. She charges her cell phone in Martha’s car when she comes to visit or at their house when she goes there. And I told her I liked her hair with the natural wave, so she doesn’t straighten it with that iron anymore when she’s at Martha’s.” He pulled the bread out of the bag as he talked. “But I did tell her I’d put in some solar panels when I can afford it.”

Emily grinned. “Well, since you’re in the business, I’m sure Daed will give you a gut deal.”

Levi leaned against the counter. “I guess I’m enjoying living the way I used to live for as long as I can.”

Emily touched Levi on the arm. “I know all of this is new and strange for you, Levi. But I continue to pray for you every day. I think what you’re doing is honorable. And you will be a gut father.”

“It’s a boy.” Levi smiled. “We went to the Englisch doctor today, and they told us we’re having a boy. We’re naming him Joshua.” He knew pride was a sin, but the feeling was abundant just the same.

Emily wrapped him in her arms for a quick hug. “Ach, that’s wonderful, Levi. Joshua will be a lucky little boy to have you in his life.” She stepped back. “Now, I need to go. Enjoy the food, and tell Danielle that I will be happy to show her how to make bread and some of your favorite recipes. If you’re sure she’d welcome that idea.”

“Danki, Emily.” He followed her out of the kitchen and through the living room to the front door.

“No problem. I don’t have anything else to do.” She sighed.

“God will bless you with kinner soon. I know it.”

Levi watched Emily walk to her buggy, and he thought about everything she’d been through. The rape back in Middlefield, her enduring the trial. It had been a horrible time for all of them. Emily still had a small scar above her eyebrow from the incident, about the same size as the scar on Danielle’s cheek. But God had lovingly healed Emily and sent David into her life. They were a wonderful couple, and Levi was going to remember to say an extra prayer for his sister, that the Lord would bless them with children soon.

For the first time, he thought about the similarities between Emily and Danielle. In so many ways, they weren’t anything alike, at least not to someone who didn’t know them. But they’d both suffered abuse. Levi tried to picture Danielle being abused over and over again. The thought caused his jaw to tighten as his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

Levi hoped he never laid eyes on Danielle’s mother. His new wife hardly ever mentioned her, and he hoped Danielle was healing, but Levi wasn’t sure he could keep in accordance with the Ordnung around the woman.

Once again, he remembered. I’m not Amish.

And that thought weighed heavily on him. He wondered if he’d ever stop feeling that way. He’d preached to everyone about how he could take his faith with him wherever he went, and he had, but his heart hurt, knowing that he was leaving behind the tradition of his people. A way of life he loved.

Danielle walked in the door, her eyes wet with tears. He’d been so lost in thought, he hadn’t heard the car pull up.

“What is it?” he asked, pulling her into his arms. “What’s wrong?”

She clung to him. “I stopped by Martha and Arnold’s on the way home. I got a letter from my mother.”