She had thought that her viewers would love her more for knowing that she had faced adversity and ultimately triumphed. Instead, many of them mocked her for it.
Had they ever loved her at all?
Chapter 34
Chapel Pub
Sunday, February 12
Nic sat with her back to the wall. She liked it that way. Something solid and impenetrable against her shoulder blades. And facing the door. She always wanted to see what was coming.
She was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved red shirt. Long-sleeved because her left arm was a wreck--bruised, cut, scraped--from all the elbow work she had been learning from her Thai boxing trainer. Out of old habit, Nic rested her hand over her glass of beer when she wasn't drinking it. Chapel Pub was nothing like the bars she had gone to when she was fresh out of college. Those had been dimly lit, with dance music thumping in the background. This place had white walls, dark rafters, and worn Oriental carpets, with plenty of babies and retired folks. If there was music, she couldn't hear it.
On a TV in the corner, she caught a glimpse of Cassidy with an inset of Congressman Glover over her left shoulder. The lab had taken away boxes and boxes from his offices, homes, and cars, and was now painstakingly processing the evidence, looking for paper and fiber matches. Among the evidence were a number of fentanyl pain patches. But no smoke grenades.
Nic was so nervous she felt like she might explode. Or possibly implode. Or just shatter. But she had promised that she would be here.
The main door opened, and Leif walked through. His eyes found hers in an instant. He smiled, and warmth spread through Nic.
"Hey." He sat down and poured a glass from the pitcher she had ordered. "I see you thought ahead. I'll get the next one."
"This is my limit," she said. "And that's kind of why I need to talk to you. There are things you need to know about me. Before anything happens." She wanted to add "between us," but now it seemed too presumptuous. Her hands were slick, and she wiped them on the thighs of her jeans, glad they were hidden by the table. She sighed."Look, I don't tell people this, okay? I don't tell anyone. And I would never tell someone at the Bureau."
Leif laid his hands flat on the table and leaned forward. "I'm not talking to you as a special agent, Nicole. I'm talking to you as a friend. This is for my ears only."
She looked into his light-colored eyes and thought of another pair of eyes, green ones, and her stomach twisted. Wanting to trust Leif, not knowing if she could or should. "The only person who knows everything is my mama." She dropped her gaze again. "And even she doesn't know everything:'
Leif nodded. He didn't raise his beer to his lips, and his eyes never left her face.
"It was the summer after I graduated from college. I was still deciding what I wanted to do. I was thinking about going to law school, or getting an MBA. Maybe even going to medical school. I probably could have done anything. I know that sounds vain, but I'm good at school. But nothing really called to me. And it's not like employers were beating down doors to hire an English major. In the meantime, I was working as a waitress and living at home, saving money while I figured out what I wanted to do. One night I served these two guys just before closing. One was black and one was white.
They were funny, smart, nice. At least they seemed that way." She could feel her upper lip curling as she spoke. "They invited me to have a drink with them at the bar next door after I got off work. I said yes." She swallowed. "That's how stupid I was."
"Nic," Leif protested softly.
She continued as if he hadn't spoken. "I remember having one drink. I remember ordering a second drink. After that, I don't really know what happened. Somehow I must have gotten home and made it into my bed. I woke up the next morning wearing all my clothes, but my panties were on inside out. I should have realized what that meant, but at the time I thought it was just one more weird thing I had managed while I was drunk, like getting home and not remembering it. Like getting bruises on my wrist but not remembering what happened.
"The next day I had a terrible headache, but I just assumed it was a hangover. But that night, the nightmares started. I woke up screaming, sweating. And it was the same thing the next night. And the next. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes Mama woke me up because I had woken her and Daddy up. The only thing about the dreams that I remembered was that I felt like I was trapped. Like something was on top of me. Crushing me."
Leif was completely still. His face could have been carved from stone. His eyes looked directly into hers.
"I thought it was the stress of trying to decide what to do with my life. My period was late, but I hadn't had sex in over a year. Finally I bought a test, even though I knew it couldn't be true. I just didn't want to believe I was that kind of girl. Some drunk slut."