Everything Leads to You

Ava is swept away by Grant and Vicki, and I notice Charlotte watching me from across the room. She glances at Ava and then back to me and I nod yes. And living is beautiful. And she smiles because she knows.

The lights are already set up. Charlie’s camera is on its tripod, pointed to our opening frame. In the bedroom, Grant is applying Ava’s makeup while Vicki is standing back, assessing. I begin the last-minute steps to make the set perfect. I look into the monitor the way Morgan told me I should, and our first shot looks just as I had hoped. I prepare the first props: one of the ceramic plates with a piece of toast, a ceramic mug of peppermint tea. My toast comes out a little too brown, and when Ava sees it a few minutes later she smiles.

Her hair is straight, falling over her shoulders. Her eyes are lined with shimmery brown eyeliner and her lips are shining.

I will be able to make toast for her in the mornings.

I will do my best to get it right.

“Okay,” Theo says. “Ava, remember, we can take as long as we need to get this scene. And you don’t need to overthink it. It’s just Juniper, existing in her apartment. We’re getting to know her through her actions and her surroundings, so just, if you can, make yourself feel like you’re home.”

Ava nods. I watch her through the monitor. I wish I could tell Theo that the idea of home isn’t always simple. It isn’t the comforting direction he meant it to be. But, on the screen, I see Ava looking around at the set I’ve created for her. She moves from one place to another, lifting up the objects of an imaginary girl. And then she looks at me.

“Yeah,” she says. “I can feel that.”

“Okay, good.”

Ava takes a seat at the tiled table. She has a book of poetry. She has her toast and her tea.

“All right,” Theo says. “Are we ready?”

“Yes,” Michael says, holding the sound equipment.

“Yup,” Charlie says, from behind his camera.

“Okay,” Theo says. “Roll camera.”

“Camera rolling.”

“Roll sound. Scene three. Take one. Action.”

The room holds its breath. Ava turns to a page and silently reads.

In a few weeks, Toby will come home, and he’ll say, So tell me what you did. And I’ll show him this footage, and it will look so professional, so beautiful. It might take him a few seconds to recognize that these are his walls holding up the framed portraits of strangers. His table, hidden under a bright yellow tablecloth. His windows with sea-blue curtains instead of their usual shutters.

He’ll grin, say, You made a movie, of course, how perfect. And I’ll say, No, that’s not it. He’ll cock his head, waiting for more. I’ll take my time, keep him guessing.

Then I’ll say, I fell in love.





Acknowledgments



Though I had been interested for a while in writing a novel about two girls in love, it wasn’t until I went to Minnesota in the fall of 2011 that I decided for certain that I would. I was spending a few days in a suburb of Minneapolis, visiting a high school that had chosen my first novel, Hold Still, as a school-wide read. As part of my visit, I met with the school’s Gay Straight Alliance. Seated in a large circle in the library, the students told me about their lives and asked to hear about mine. They taught me how important it is to share stories about love and hope, a lesson for which I thank the Champlin Park GSA; the students of Champlin Park High School; Terri Evans, Media Specialist extraordinaire; and all the RHRR committee members, past and present.

Katie Byron is not only my favorite production designer, she’s also to thank for so much of this novel. A close friend of my dear friend Vanessa Micale, Katie was who I turned to when I realized what Emi’s calling would be. In a series of passionate and illuminating e-mails, Katie described every position within a film’s art department. She told me about the lengths she’s gone to when working on films with small budgets, the challenges, the strategies, and “the love.” I thought I was turning to Katie for technical advice on a small aspect of the story, but what she shared with me altered the trajectory of the entire novel. I’m sure I’ve gotten many technical things wrong, but I hope that I’ve captured the spirit of the work.