Between Friends

Chapter 11

I stand staring at the waves wash tiny seashells onto the shore. Steven brushes up against my side with a dark haired middle-aged man who must be our tour guide. Sure enough, the man whistles at us to follow him over to two jet skis parked a few feet away on the beach. He preps us with safety tips, tight fitting life jackets and points out all the functions and controls. Steven politely ensures him he knows what to do and revs up the engine like an old pro.

We launch into the waves and I start to have a minor panic attack. I’d like to think my anxiety is from being trapped on a jet ski in the middle of the Pacific, but I know deep down it has everything to do with my guilt over Ben. I press up against Steven’s body, and wrap my arms around his waist. I grip onto his life jacket feeling the waters rumble beneath us before we take off with gusto. I want to scream every time we hit a wave and my butt goes airborne, but I remain calm and only let out a few yelps of fear.

Cruising around the coastline, I feel myself ease up a bit when Steven gives me an easy grin. We zip up to the Catalina Islands and see turtles swimming in the clear shallow waters, and dolphins jumping out of the ocean. Then our tour guide brings us over to a rockier area full of coral reef. We park the jet skis on the sandy beach surrounding the island and take a break to snorkel amongst millions of brightly colored schools of fish.

After two hours under the blazing sun, Steven suggests we pull onto a private beach and take a break. With much hesitation, I insist we go back to the resort. I am worried if we were to wander away from our tour guide, I would be subject to a much more intimate setting with Steven. His face drops at my subtle rejection, but he obliges with my request and we have the tour guide lead the way to the resort.

The whole ride back, I feel a pang of sadness over not being honest with him. I don’t like having to be this way, especially because I think he is a really great guy. It isn’t fair to him that I have no idea what was going on with Ben, and it especially isn’t fair to me. I find myself becoming angry with Ben. I want answers. I definitely don’t want to miss out on a great guy like Steven because of some going-nowhere-anytime-fast-sex with Ben.

We pull up to the beach, and Steven helps me off the jet ski. He unbuckles my life jacket and says, “By the way, you did great.”

I flash a bashful smile, “Thanks. I hope I didn’t scream too much.”

“Not at all” he laughs, “But I could tell you were nervous every time you dug your nails into my skin.”

I blush, “Sorry.”

Steven smiles and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, “Don’t be.” He pauses then adds, “I like how you always get embarrassed. It’s cute.”

I must be crimson, because my face is on fire. He gently cups my chin and tips it up to meet his gaze, “Your eyes are beautiful, and so blue.”

“Thanks” I mutter and curl my toes deep into the sand.

“You know, Jessica was right about you. You are very humble.” He says.

“Humble?” I laugh, “Oh, please.”

“You really don’t know how beautiful you are, inside and out.” Steven says and slips his hand in mine. My heart is pounding out of my chest. That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I look up at Steven glistening in the sunlight and catch him leaning in for a kiss. I feel my temperature rise and it makes me almost limp. I want to kiss him, but for some reason I just can’t do it! Then, like a drop of fate, there is shouting in the distance that distracts us. I crank my head to side just in time, to stop a potential moment of disaster from happening.

A boat is docking a few feet off the shore. Michael is shouting to us, flailing his arms and calling our names. I feel my heart sink into my stomach when I see Ben hop over the side of the boat. How long have they been there? What did he see? The thought makes my insides turn.

I pick up speed and trudge through the damp sand in the direction of the boat. Matthew and Eric slide off the backside and Michael follows as they all make their way up to the beach. I feel Steven behind me, waving to Michael and asking them where they are coming back from.

“We went on a fishing tour, and I caught four tunas.” Michael proudly shouts.

“It was beginner’s luck.” Matthew mutters, hauling a cooler full of beer behind him.

“I was able to out fish all these fools.” Eric declares glancing around at the guys, “I caught two roosters which are a way harder to catch, and three tunas.”

“What did you catch?” I say to Ben, but he completely ignores me. He tosses his t-shirt over his bare chest and looks down at me with his cold dark eyes then turns away. His silence tells me everything.

“How far did you go?” Steven asks as a lump forms in my throat.

“About fifteen miles off shore” Eric yawns, “Where were you guys?”

“We went jet skiing” Steven says. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me against his bare chest.

I feel completely mortified and worrisome, so I casually pull away and feel obligated to announce, “Yeah, Steven just approached me while I was sun tanning with the girls and insisted I join him.”

“Well that’s nice.” Michael says, “It’s seems like you two had a great time.”

“We sure did.” Steven says and flashes me a great big smile.

Ben huffs, twists his baseball cap backwards and starts to walk away.

“Are you guys going to walk back with us?” Eric innocently asks.

Steven jumps at the chance and says we’d love too. He walks alongside Michael, joyfully chatting about the dolphins we saw and the snorkeling we did. He won’t shut up about how much fun it was. Ben is already a few feet ahead, but he can definitely hear everything Steven is saying. I feel heavy and weighted with grief, and it doesn’t help matters when we walk past the same spot where Ben and I had passionate sex last night on the beach.

I say my goodbyes, and walk to my villa alone for a well-needed nap. I am not functioning well on such minimal hours of sleep. I tell myself once I wake up, I will deal with Ben. I will also deal with Steven, and I will confront my real feelings. Whatever they may be.

****

Four hours later, I wake up groggy and moody, which I blame on my conflict over Ben. But I pull myself out of bed and notice the dark evening sky through the windows. There is a note in Stephanie’s handwriting slapped on the nightstand:

Tried to wake you up, but you were dead to the world. Jessica is out with her family tonight so it’s just the three of us girls. We will be at the Sports bar drinking and waiting for our dinner reservation at 8:00 p.m. in the Japanese restaurant. Meet us if you are hungry.

Steph & Michelle xoxo

Hmmm, maybe that’s exactly what I need, some time with the girls. I think I need to keep my distance from all men for a while. I fumble my way to the bathroom and hop in the shower. I hate how the showerhead is one of those oversized rainforest nozzles that never lets out enough pressure. The water is warm, and I take deep breaths. I try not focus on anything but having a good time tonight, and enjoying the nightlife on the resort. But that’s the thing about trying not to think about something, it makes it a million times worse. So when yet another image of Ben ignoring me on the beach this afternoon, pops into my mind, I want to scream.

I scrub myself down with some of Stephanie’s expensive body exfoliating scrub. I hum the tune of “Bombastic” by Shaggy, because it’s the only song that pops into my head. When I am done, I hop out of the shower and throw on a fluffy white housecoat hanging behind the bathroom door. I brush my teeth, rub some vanilla smelling cream of Michelle’s all over my body, and smear a solid line of deodorant under my armpits. I jump out of my skin when there is a light rapping on the door, breaking me away from the mirror.

I cautiously creep towards the doorway and ask who it is, but no one responds. I start to feel a little frightened when the rapping happens again, this time a bit louder. I slowly bend down, and peak through the curtain to see if I can catch a glimpse of this predator lingering on the patio. It is too dark to make a clear visual, and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I debate on grabbing something sharp to protect myself, because here I am, alone in a foreign country about to be viciously raped and beaten by some Costa Rican who escaped from the local jail. I take a deep breath and calmly ask once again who’s there, when I get my answer.

I yank open the door, and see Ben leaning against the doorway. He looks ridiculously hot. Like, Oh. My. God. His hair is ruffled and he has the slightest amount of stubble that makes his five o’clock shadow breathtaking. His baby blue button up shirt clings to his muscles and makes me weak at the knees just thinking about all the ripples that are underneath it, “Can I come in?”

I nod, letting him push past me and into the interior of the villa. I am nervous and tense, and I can tell he is too. He clears his throat and leans on the glass paned door leaving less than a few feet between us. He crosses his arms in front of his chest and let’s his eyes travel from my feet to all the way up to my eyes. I pull my bathrobe tightly around my waist, clench it in my fingers and ask, “What would you like?”

His smug grin makes me immediately decide to retract my guilt over what happened today and throw it back at him. We never defined what we were, and no definite answer equals un-definite status. I should be able to do whatever I want whenever I want. He is not my boyfriend.

When he doesn’t answer me, I become annoyed by his intimidating stance and point my hairbrush at his face, “I don’t have to answer to you.”

“Do you like him?” Ben asks raising his eyebrows slightly.

“He’s a nice guy.” I shout, “And he actually wants to have a committed relationship.”

“And I don’t?” Ben says with deadpan eyes.

“You never have.” I laugh and lean against the desk waiting for his response.

“That’s such a lie.” He arrogantly chuckles, “I dated Charlotte Anderson for over a year.”

“You broke up with her three times in that year.” I snap, “Not to mention, when you weren’t together, you slept with other girls. So that doesn’t count.”

Ben studies my face and narrows his eyes at me, “You think you are so high and mighty. Don’t tell me I have relationship problems when you’re the one who keeps on dating loser after loser after loser. First it was Donny the pot smoking techie, then it was Will, the prostitute loving sicko, then it was Marco the snobbish dork who may have had a mild case of Autism. Don’t push your pointy little finger at me and place your judgment, because you don’t have shit figured out.”

I gasp and want to slap him, “That is so not true. I so have my shit figured out.”

“Oh really?” Ben sorts out a laugh that sends me into the red zone.

“You are a pig!” I shout, “At least I dated people and had boyfriends. You on the other hand can’t handle more than a one-night stand. I feel sorry for any girl who has fallen victim to your sleazy charm, including myself.”

“Now you’re just being mean.” Ben says and curls his lips in amusement.

He pushes up from the door and takes a step closer in my direction. The closer he creeps, the more my legs begin to tremble, “You’re mean! You slept with my friend Lydia from spin class like eight months ago and never called her back.” I shout.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Ben laughs, “Are you jealous?”

“Of course not” I lie, which seems to come natural to me these days.

“Well I am.” Ben admits and my knees buckle. His dark brown eyes lock with mine as he slowly runs his thumb along my cheek.

“You’re jealous?” my tiny voice squeaks.

“Yeah, I am. I don’t like you hanging out with Steven.” He says with frustration and runs his fingers through his hair.

My heart is pounding in my chest. Ben may have gone through a lot of women in his day, but I have never seen him so vulnerable and sincere. His eyes are desperate and uncertain as he looks at me for a response. I can barely move, let alone let words escape my mouth.

He lets out a sigh, “I know this is confusing and crazy. But right now, this is what I want. I want you.”

I am utterly speechless, but I finally take a deep breath “Exactly. It’s what you want - right now. How do I know you won’t wake up tomorrow and want something else? I know what you’re like when it comes to this kind of thing. I’ve seen it happen over and over again for the past ten years, so why would I risk a sure thing with someone who might actually want the same things as me? What about what I want Ben?”

“You can’t be serious?” He laughs.

“Maybe I am.” I say and spin around to walk into the bathroom.

“Stop playing games with me.” Ben says and follows me in, “I know all your little tricks, your little wants and desires, and I know for a fact that you would never want a house in suburbia playing wife to a doctor and making shortbread cookies for your weekend guests.”

“Maybe I do want those things!” I shout whipping around to face him and feel a single crocodile tear roll down my cheek.

Ben’s face drops in turmoil. He scratches his head and begs me not to cry, but at this point I am too far-gone that I can’t control it. I start sobbing and put my head in my hands. Ben pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me.

I am so angry with myself. Why can’t I just tell him how I really feel? Why can’t I say I love him and want to be with him? Why am I so scared? Nothing is making any sense. I can’t believe I admitted to wanting something, like being someone’s wife! What is happening to me? It frightens me how real those wants are, because I never thought I wanted any of that. But maybe I actually do want those things, because I want them with Ben.

I let him hold me as my tears subside. I gently push him away, but he holds my shoulders in a tight grasp. I wipe away the stinging tears, and feel him staring down at me. I feel small and vulnerable, and I don’t like it. Ben leans down and kisses my cheek, then kisses my forehead. He gently places his hands underneath my thighs, lifts me up, and sits me on the bathroom counter. With one hand he runs his thumb down the side of my face, and with the other he twirls my hair in his fingers. I take a deep breath, feeling my insides tingle as Ben places his lips on mine.