Chapter 28
‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Bee-eeeee, happy birthday to you!’ The enormous cake led the procession.
And what a cake. ‘Wow! Where did you get this?’ I asked the girls as they wrestled it on to the table. ‘It puts Colin the Caterpillar to shame.’ Even with his Smarties eyes and his white chocolate face he could never compete with a blue and yellow record player fashioned from icing, with me sitting on the edge. Icing B. had monstrous cleavage, I noted. Frederick must have been in charge of the cake.
‘Shhh! Don’t hurt Colin’s feelings,’ Faith said, proffering the chocolate caterpillar from behind her back.
‘Ah, Colin, it wouldn’t be a birthday without you. Thank you, everyone!’
So it had finally come. My penultimate birthday. Fred was delighted to help me host it at his flat, but crestfallen when I wouldn’t let him use the waiters who did his friend’s party. Not that Cheeky Waiters didn’t sound like fun, but maybe not everyone wanted their martini with a twist of penis.
I awoke that morning with mixed feelings. Excited for the party, yes, but terribly nostalgic too. I thought about friends mostly, and my family, back to childhood when my parents were the centre of my universe, and to the first time I saw Mum on TV. I remembered how much I laughed with my brothers, and regretted not seeing them more since moving to London. The connection was still there, of course, but new memories were built sporadically rather than daily. I thought about Mattias. It had been a relationship full of mostly happy memories, good times and again, laughter. It hadn’t ended well, but I didn’t regret our time together. I remembered the countless girls’ nights out where I offered little useful advice but lots of useful wine. Yes, it had been a day for looking back.
‘B., will you introduce me to Marjorie?’ Faith asked. ‘I’ve heard so much about her that I feel I already know her. And is that yummy man with her The Grandson?’
‘Yesss. Now Faith, please don’t get any ideas. We’re just friends.’
‘Ideas, me?’ She grinned wickedly. ‘Hello!’ She sparkled when I introduced her to my wrinkled friend. Marjorie hadn’t stopped smiling since they arrived, reminding me how sociable she was. This was a woman who lived her life. Maybe that was the trick to happiness after all. Not knowing what you were doing or where you were going but embracing whatever came along and making the most of it. If I ended up half as remarkable as she was at her age, I’d consider myself a success. But maybe I was being too harsh on myself. I may not have known what I was doing professionally, or romantically, but did any of us, really? I was convinced that most of the people we judged as successes looked at themselves in the mirror in the mornings and thought, ‘Huh, didn’t expect to get here!’ Maybe we were all frauds, a bit, giving the illusion of competence while we frantically tried to figure out what it all meant and where we should be going. Maybe I wasn’t missing the blueprint for this life after all. Maybe there really wasn’t one, and we were all flying by the seats of our pants.
‘Thanks for coming.’ I smiled at The Grandson.
‘We wouldn’t miss it,’ he said. ‘It’s not every day a woman turns twenty-nine. Granddad was sorry to miss it but he thought it might be a bit much for him. There’s no stopping Marjorie, though. She’s so been looking forward to tonight. As have I. You look beautiful, every inch the rising star.’
‘Thanks.’ I blushed, contemplating my tuxedo. ‘I thought about having multiple wardrobe changes tonight, until I realised just how diva-esque that would be. It’s just a little music contract, after all, so I should save some ridiculous behaviour for when I go platinum. The hat is enough for tonight.’ I tipped my trilby. If you couldn’t look like a prat at your own birthday party, then when could you?
‘It’s a nice touch. So how does it feel to have all of your friends here to celebrate?’
It felt great. And they were all there, every last one of them. I even invited Foul Fiona and all the other consultants, some of whom Kat hadn’t seen in years.
I knew Gemma would make a beeline for Rebecca and the band as soon as I pointed them out. ‘It feels like an episode of This Is Your Life,’ I said to The Grandson. ‘All I need now is for my fourth grade teacher to tell everyone she never thought I’d get this far. Oh, excuse me a minute.’
Frederick was doing his best impression of a softball coach waving the batsman home.
‘It looks like there might be a bar emergency.’
‘B.! Guess who just buzzed! Only Mattias, he’s on his way up!’
‘Oh good, I’ll get the door.’
‘How can you be so calm, did you know about this?!’
‘Of course I did, Fred, I invited him. And he’s bringing his girlfriend,’ I sang over my shoulder as I headed to the door. My announcement sent Fred into another wave of hysteria.
Truth be told, my tummy was jittery. It was, after all, the first time I’d seen him since I walked out. A few months ago I was sure I would never talk to him again but, as with most bad experiences, time wore the sharp edges off, and I didn’t want bad blood between us. Not after a decade together. ‘Hi!’ I leaned in to accept his cheek kiss. ‘I’m glad you could come.’ I smiled at the young woman standing just behind him. ‘Come in, please.’
‘Happy birthday, B.!’ Shouted James from behind the woman, and from behind a bouquet of lovely lilies.
‘James, hello, come in, come in. Tsch, I said no gifts! But thank you, they’re beautiful. Kat’s just–’ Shit. Old habits were hard to break. ‘Sorry, come in.’
‘It’s okay, B., Kat and Rupert are here, I know. You told me they would be, remember?’
‘Right, sorry, come in.’
I’d wrestled with the question of inviting James. He’d been part of my life nearly as long as Kat had. She said she’d be okay with him here, and I knew she was telling the truth. She always did.
‘B., I’d like you to meet Caitlin,’ Mattias formally announced once we got inside. ‘Cait, this is B.’
She smiled genuinely, reaching for my hand and kissing my cheek at the same time. ‘Happy Birthday, B. It’s so nice to meet you, I’ve heard such nice things about you!’
‘Thanks, you too. I’m very impressed that you’re a yoga instructor. I don’t think I could ever be dedicated enough to actually earn a living from it.’
‘Oh, I don’t worry about keeping fit. It doesn’t stop me from eating like a pig,’ she said.
‘I like her!’ I smiled at Mattias.
‘Thanks. So do I,’ he said. He looked good. He looked content. Was he in love? Would it show on the face, a spot of in-love, like a spot of syphilis? Did it matter if he was? To me, I mean. I moved on and so did he. So it didn’t matter.
Except it did. All right, I had to admit it. I wasn’t willing to be quite that magnanimous. Call me a selfish cow. I was the one who realised we weren’t right for each other, the one who plucked up the courage to have that conversation, the one to leave to start a new life and eventually find what I was looking for. He wasn’t even looking. He shouldn’t have found it first. It should have been me, not him. There, I said it. Moo.
‘How are you doing?’ James asked as I cut myself another huge slice of cake. ‘This is quite a birthday, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, a lot’s happened since the last one, eh? For all of us. Are you okay?’ He looked tired. ‘I’m guessing it’s a relief to have the court thing over.’
‘I’m all right. Are we talking about Kat and Rupert, or in general? In general, work’s been hectic, but it keeps my mind off everything else. I think the judge made the right decision.’
‘That’s what Kat says too.’ The judge awarded joint custody. They were both so relieved not to lose custody that they’d started being reasonable people again, at least for the moment.
‘We could have saved a lot of aggravation, and lawyer’s fees, if we’d seen that sooner. It’s best for the boys. They’re great, adjusting well to a two-household family. I envy them, to be honest. They’ve accepted that Kat and I are no longer… that we’re divorcing.’
‘I’m sorry, James, I know you don’t want that.’
He sighed. ‘You can’t make another person feel something they don’t. Rupert wouldn’t be my first choice for her. Hell, he wouldn’t be anyone’s first choice, would he? I mean, on the surface. She’s gone for the complete opposite of me. That smarts.’
‘Oh, James, he’s not your complete opposite. You’re both smart, funny, kind, cultured. Don’t sell yourself short.’
‘Is that a salt shaker in your hand? Thanks very much for the reminder that he’s a good guy. He is, though, I know he is. Much as I hate to admit it, they’re well-suited and he’s great with the boys. Objectively, I couldn’t hope for a better stepfather for them. Subjectively, I’d rather see Kat take up the veil and live out her life happily married to God.’
‘What happened, James? Where’d it go wrong?’
He stared at Kat and Rupert. ‘I think we’re both to blame. We made such good partners that we forgot to love each other. We got caught up in our life, but it wasn’t a life together. We fulfilled our roles perfectly. I went out and earned the living, came home in the evenings to be the dad, spent weekends socializing with our friends. Kat was the perfect mother and homemaker, the one who organised the social life we enjoyed. We were a team. Do you see what I mean? I don’t know when it happened, when everything in our life became external to us. There was no “us”, no connection between us. We went through the motions of our lives. She realised it first, that’s all.’
‘And yet you were the one having the affair,’ I pointed out.
‘Ah, B., you don’t pull punches, do you?’ He said without malice. ‘Kat has always been smarter than me. Yes, I had the affair and yet never questioned why I’d done it. Kat met Rupert and within a week she’d figured out what neither of us saw during our whole marriage. I wish I’d been smarter, and that it was me with my arm around her right now.’
‘I’m sorry, James, I really am. You’re a good man. Somebody is going to be very lucky to have you.’
‘I know, B., thanks. I’m moving forward, making changes in my life where I feel I need them, and when I meet the right woman I won’t make the same mistakes again. Now come here and give Uncle James a birthday hug.’
‘I’ve warned you about that!’ I hugged my friend and said a little prayer that he’d be happy one day. Aw, hell, I couldn’t begrudge Mattias either. I took back the moo.
Ding ding ding ding. ‘Attention, please, attention,’ Frederick said from in front of the cake. ‘We are gathered here tonight to celebrate Bella’s birthday. Here’s to B., we wish you all the happiness and success you deserve. May the year ahead be the best one yet!’
‘Speech!’ Faith said.
‘Thank you, Faith. And thank you, everyone, for the kind birthday wishes, and for coming tonight. I’m overwhelmed to see so many people I love in one room. You know I’m not one for public speaking, but I do want you to know how much you all mean to me, so bear with me, because I have a few things to say. It may not be eloquent, but it’s from the heart.’
I took a deep breath. ‘Faith, Kat and Clare.’ I tipped my glass to them. ‘You are my best friends. I thank you for every single conversation we’ve ever had, for every late-night phone call, glass of wine raised in happiness or sadness or anger, for sensible advice even though it often wasn’t listened to, and most of all, for your love and support. I know that no matter what happens in our lives, we’ll be there for each other. I love you.’ Already I needed a tissue. ‘Faith, you get a special mention for being my fairy godmother. If you hadn’t had the good sense to move in with Frederick, I’d be living in a bedsit in Zone 4 instead of your gorgeous flat. And Fred, you’ve become my good friend in such a short space of time. I will always be grateful that I answered your advert and became your flatmate. You’ve found an incredible woman in Faith and I hope we dance at your wedding one day. That goes for you too, Rupert. You’ve won the prize and I hope you and Kat are happy together for the rest of your lives.
‘And Clare, ah, Clare. You did it! You made it through nine months of torture and look at your reward. For those of you who haven’t been introduced, that little peanut is Bella and today’s her two-week birthday.’ The laughter and ahhs gave me the chance to sniffle over my namesake. ‘Clare, you’re going to be the best mum in the world, and Harry, Bella couldn’t ask for a cooler dad. Speaking of dads, James, thank you for being my friend all these years, and for raising such wonderful children, one of whom is my godson, Conrad.’
Frederick, noticing that I’d drained my glass, poured me another. I was in the home stretch now.
‘Marjorie, you are a remarkable woman and a good friend, and I couldn’t be happier to have met you. Finally, I want to say to Mattias: Thank you for all our years together, and I wish you the best that life has to offer. So cheers, to every single person in this room. All my wonderful friends!’ Mattias smiled and nodded slowly as we toasted.
‘Wait just a minute!’ Shouted Fred, stopping everyone mid sip. ‘We aren’t finished yet, are we Bella? Isn’t there something else you’d like to share? What’s the matter, cat got your tongue? All right then, I’ll do it. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to announce the forthcoming CD, to be released–’ He covered his champagne-glass-cum-microphone to speak sotto voce to Gemma. ‘Hopefully in June next year, I’m reliably informed. It’s Bella Summer’s very first CD! Whoop, whoop! Give it up for Bella Summer, ladies and gentlemen!’
‘Thanks, everyone, and thanks to my amazing manager, Gemma. Fred’s right, I’ve got a record deal with EMI. It’s just one CD, but I can start recording next month, as soon as I confirm the musicians. But I have to approach them first to see if they’ll do it.’
I walked over to Rebecca, Charlie and Matt. ‘What do you say, guys? Would you consider it?’
They traded glances. ‘Of course we will!’ Rebecca beamed. ‘We’d be honoured to.’
‘Wow, I didn’t mean for you to decide right now. I figured you’d want to talk about it. But that’s great, wonderful, thanks so much, we’re going to make a CD together, yay!’
‘B., what’s to talk about?’ Matt chuckled. ‘Would we like to play on a CD put out by EMI? Duh, yes!’
‘Well, when you put it like that, I see your point. Um, I guess we need to work out payment and stuff, and I’m not exactly getting a big advance, but I’m so excited to be working with you all on this. Thank you.’
Rebecca hugged my shoulder. ‘B., I’m so thrilled for you. This could be the beginning of something big. You’re talented, and more importantly, you took the chance. Many don’t. You should be very proud of yourself for that.’
I was proud. And I was happy. Who cares that I was a year away from my fourth decade? It didn’t matter that my face had wrinkles and my upper arms waggled, or that I didn’t have a regular job like most people. My life was out there in front of me, in that recording deal, in my friends and in dates I hadn’t even had yet. It wasn’t behind me in memories.
It was still early when Marjorie and The Grandson announced they were leaving. ‘What a wonderful time we’ve had, B., thank you so much for inviting us! And thank you for the cake for The Colonel. He’ll love it.’ Marjorie was as perky as she’d been when she arrived. That woman had the regenerative ability of a Toyota Prius. ‘I so enjoyed meeting your friends. Faith is lovely, and that little baby, my, how sweet. How nice that Clare made her your namesake.’
‘I know. I was shocked when she told me. I’ve got nice friends.’
‘You certainly do, and that makes you very lucky. Oh, I nearly forgot.’ She dug around in her handbag. ‘It’s just a little something, to keep track of your thoughts.’
‘Marjorie, thanks.’ Slowly I opened the beautifully wrapped package. The leather was smooth, pale yellow, and the page edges were marbled. Inside the journal, on the first page, it read: Bella, There are many paths that make the journey. Whichever one you choose is the right one for you. Love, Marjorie.
‘Thank you so much, it’s beautiful, and I’ll use it. Some day maybe I’ll show it to little Bella, in case she has questions.’
‘That’s exactly the way it should be, my dear. Ready?’ She said to The Grandson.
He nodded. ‘Thanks, B., I enjoyed tonight, and getting to meet some of your friends.’
‘I feel like we haven’t had much chance to talk. I’m sorry about that, I’ve been running around.’
‘Perfectly understandable, you’re the guest of honour. And congratulations again on the recording deal. That’s some achievement.’
‘Thanks,’ I said as I walked them to the door. ‘So I’ll see you on Saturday? Hampton Court Palace, right?’
‘Right, see you then.’ He hesitated.
‘What is it? Would you like to take some cake?’
‘No, no, thanks. I just wondered… well, whether you might like to see me another time, not just on Saturdays. I thought maybe we could meet for a drink one evening.’
I paused before answering him. ‘Ben, we’ve become friends, right?’ He nodded. ‘That’s made me very happy over the months. You’re a great guy. But I left Mattias because I wanted to fall head over heels in love. And I like you as a friend.’
Not once in all the time we’d known each other had I thought of him in that way. Certainly, I enjoyed his company. Of course he was a nice man. And cute, in his own way. But my heart told me he wasn’t the man for me. My heart had got me this far. I wasn’t about to stop listening to it now.
‘Understood. Thanks, Bella, for being honest. You’re right, you deserve to find what you’ve been looking for. We both do. So I’ll see you on Saturday.’
‘Thanks for understanding. I’ll see you on Saturday.’ As I turned back to the party my stomach fizzed. Indigestion? Too much cake? No. Excitement. Too much life ahead of me.
Looking around the living room at everyone I loved gave me all the proof I needed that truly happy people followed their hearts. They didn’t sit quietly in the chairs life had arranged for them. They sat exactly where they wanted to, and sometimes they didn’t sit at all. They stood up and danced to the music they made for themselves.
THE END